Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

[BackForABit]

I know everyone thinks their children are centre of universe and grandparents shouldn't necessarily have to match that level of enthusiasm but I'm feeling a bit sore that both sets of grandparents are just so uninterested in my children.

I have two DC, mid primary age and both are severely disabled (autism, learning disabilities, ADHD etc). I really understand that they can be difficult to connect with in a typical way and they are physically very difficult to look after (no understanding of certain things so they throw stuff everywhere and make lots of noise). However, I try to mitigate this by never EVER asking family to watch them by themselves, inviting over to our (adapted) house, paying for their hotels sometimes, etc.

I asked inlaws what dates they wanted to come see us in summer (at their convenience) and they kept saying "oh we'll sort something out" then didn't. Now I've asked about next half term and they have just ignored my message. It's been over a year (it might actually be 2 years) since they saw one of my DC and they saw the other one briefly for a couple of hours when I drove 5 hours to a hotel near them (to be fair this was for selfish reasons because the DC were driving each other crazy and I had to separate them). My own parents are a bit better but it usually takes a bit of pressure.

In laws don't ask for photos (quite the opposite), updates, nothing really. Just feel a bit sad about it.

AIBU just to stop trying with inlaws? AIBU with the whole thing about this?

I'd go low contact with them, you are probably are now anyway. I'd stop all efforts to promote contact and refocus that energy at building a community closer to home, support groups and respite / specialist babysitters so you can regroup / have some downtime.

When speaking to your parents I would set expectations that you obviously can't meet any of their future needs as they grow older due to your responsibilities and suggest they plan for that.

It hurts, but I've found the above is the best way to move on.

I honestly don't know why I always just keep going back for more. You're all right, they've made their position pretty clear whether it's about the disability or not.

IMO - do what works for you and your family. Invite them and be pleased they don’t reply. Less work for you.
Being parent of NT child can be lonely journey .. but perhaps not having to cater to whims of visiting in-laws during visit is a silver lining.
send them photos. Updates. Just keep them in the loop.
just you be you & let them Be them.

I agree step away. Don’t arrange and don’t contact. Send Xmas cards etc if you want to. Leave contact to their son.
I did exactly the same with two
children no disability, which I do think can make things harder from a friends experience, and the in-laws and actually as the kids have got older the in-law GP’s are pretty good now. Mine were always great though so kids never felt the lack of GP

What is preventing you from point blank asking them what the matter is? Cruel to treat g children this way, specially if the kids feel it too.

But, they don’t want to see you. Why are you trying to force them?

It really isn’t though. They are not interested and have lost nothing. OP has and should start to process that rather than trying to force something that just isn’t there.

I don't think I'd get a truthful answer they go on and on (in Christmas cards) about how much they love us.

I think you need to stop forcing them to come and force them to have you over. I really don’t think it’s very helpful at all, on the contrary it’s quite an aggressive tactic that is bound to put people off.I would hate if family members told me they were coming to stay or asked me which dates I want to come to them if I hadn’t already made it known I wanted to do that. Definitely take a step back and see what happens. You can’t force relationships, even with family. It is a shame though but it’s their loss.

I honestly don't know @GladLemonFish

I completely agree. From your second post OP you've basically said PIL especially were seemingly unbothered about contact/visiting/sharing your lives from the get go. To present it now as entirely because of the DCs needs is a big reach.

It honestly sounds like they've got an MO for their lives that suits them, it's how they've always been not a sudden change so YABU to expect a complete 180 just because "grandchildren" .

It's not how you want it but, their lives, their choice, you don't get to tell them how to be.

I think accept they are as they are and move on.

Actions speak louder than words, though x

Absolutely agree with this.

I'm so sad for you all, what disappointing grandparents for you as well as your dc.

I've been tearful today as I feel like I have no one so I'd focus on your core family and I'd endeavour to never ask, offer or beg again. Hopefully your DC don't understand or realise but honestly it does sound rubbish all round. Even if they weren't that fussed before you'd hope they'd step up to offer support when you've been given children with extra needs.

It sounds like your dh has accepted it more than you? Don’t do this to yourself. You have enough as it is.

With my own parents it definitely is about the disability. They've been honest and said how stressful they find it.

I am probably making assumptions with my inlaws about it being disability related. My life is sort of consumed by disability (e.g. most of my other relationships are with SEN families) that I'd assumed this was relevant. It may be that they're just not interested at all.

We did used to have huge problems that FIL's wife seemed to not understand that DC's needs came first, e.g. where we go, or if they're screaming we have got to get out of the situation ASAP and she made it really clear how much she disliked this.

My ex MIL was a bit like this. She'd go on about what an excellent grandmother she was but only ever saw the DC at my house for an hour at her convenience. As the DC got older they dreaded her coming. She showed zero interest in them at any other point. Never got in touch to see how exams, new schools, results day, interviews etc etc. she'd just rock up, talk about herself for an hour then tell everyone what a wonderful relationship she had with us all.

DC are grown up now and have very little to do with her.

You need to stop trying. They're not interested. Your DC don't need people like that in their lives and neither do you.

If they have other gc? Do they like those gc?

No other GC and DH is an only child so never likely to have more

You go back for more as you are a nice person that’s trying to fix relationships 💐

I have a question it sounds like your dh is hurt by his parents. Do they have other children could it be he's not their fav son. Which is bad I know but some are like this

I am so sorry to read this. I've heard of grandparents struggling with diagnosis's but from the age your children are they should have come to terms with this by now. Also my parents are the kind to only come when invited but you have initiated the GP's coming! So sorry they are not being a source of support for you.

I think they are now just causing stress to you so you should leave contact down to them and stop contacting them.

He's an only child. They say they love him all the time but I think they're all quite selfish people actually and I doubt they made him feel loved.

You say FIL’s wife. Are his parents divorced? Is his Mum still around and is she the same?

Yeah divorced. Urmm, his Mum is better than his Dad, she will come if I ask tbh but it does take me offering dates, which as a poster pointed out is quite an "aggressive strategy". She has also ignored me asking about half term though.

No body, my parents included, acts like my DC are actual children with personalities beyond "autistic". I know logically they're not obliged to love them but I am so sad about it.