Dreading seeing other Mum at school

[Lh5956]

Hello, I know this probably sounds silly to most, but I'm feeling so anxious about the school year starting again in September. Mainly because most of the Mums can be so cliquey. Also, I'm almost 8 months pregnant & I feel so hormonal & extra sensitive with lots of things right now. Please be respectful.

Anyways - to explain, there's a mum at my child's school, her child & mine are great friends which I've always been happy about. When they were in nursery together etc, we would have met up alot & had each child over at eachothers houses etc. Last year the contact started to dwindle away, & I found it was me making most of the effort trying to make conversations etc & planning to meet up etc. Next thing, I was going on to Facebook & instagram & seeing the mums social media posts & photos about other meetups with other kids from the class, having them round to their house etc & this started to happen on several different occasions.

'That's OK' I thought - they're entitled to meet up with other people, 'but she's just gone all picture no sound with me', which hurt as I thought we were starting to become gd mates... after months of this, I ended up blocking her social media, even after just unfollowing her, as it was starting to upset me seeing all of the photos, especially during the school holidays when my child was asking about meeting up with them.

Now, fast forward 8 months & I've had a text inviting my child to their bday next month. Which is OK, I'm happy to let my child go as it's their friend, & I've let her know my child will be going.

I feel stupid as if I've overreacted by blocking her, but I did it out of self preservation - it was making me dread going to the school each day & waiting for my child while this mum pretty much ignored me & had her other mum mates to talk to. I constantly felt like I had to rush away after the pick up. That's why I didn't want anything to do with her, I didn't want to see any of that anymore. I just don't know how to handle this going forward... should I just do nothing? Has anyone gone through anything similar like this with a mum friend?
I feel really anxious around her now, especially as we were fine at the beginning. It's really affected my confidence 😔

It sounds like she's happy for your kids to be friends but she doesn't especially want your company. And maybe the kids are friends rather than BFFs - that can happen, especially in the shift from nursery to school.

You're absolutely right to block her on SM since it's clearly getting to you, but more generally do the school run with headphones in so that you can smile and wave rather than chat, if that's a concern, and once your little one arrives perhaps see about other groups for new mums etc so that you can meet new people.

I will probably get piled on for this knowing mumsnet, but I really don't think blocking other school mums on social media is good advice. It's not going to make life easier for your child. If the other mum realises you've blocked her, she'll quite possibly feel hurt - she will obviously take that as a sign not to bother with you which will have knock-on effects for your child's friendship.

You can mute people on social media, meaning their posts won't come up on your feed, but the other person will not be able to tell you've done it. Much more sensible.

I also think branding other mums as "cliquey" for the crime of having other friends who they like to spend time with isn't conducive to good relations or mental wellbeing.

Well I wouldn't know how else to describe these particular mums, after the way they have acted over the last 2 years - only bothering with each other, no smile or hello back when I've smiled and said hello, & pretty much looking straight through me at my own child's birthday party's. I just think acting that way in general is rude.

And it is my own social media account - not my child's - I've blocked her for the very reason that she hurt me by dropping all contact. I've never and wouldn't ever stop my child spending time with hers.

She obviously has found friendships she gels better with

It's life... move in from it and find other friends.

Just move on you are a grown adult there is a big world out there focus on other things

Kids can fall in and out of favour, so I don't set up play dates if DS isn't getting along at the time. I like lots of people and it really doesn't mean I don't like the mum. Other mums do it too; all quiet for a bit when busy then a flurry of texts to arrange a play date. I think honestly that you've taken it all much too seriously and wound yourself up unnecessarily. If your child wanted to play with their child, then you really should have extended an invite for the sake of the kids.

Take some big breaths, smile pleasantly at everyone and accept the birthday party invite. If you want a friend for yourself, then invite that person for coffee or drinks without the kids.

I avoid all the playground crap like the plague. I smile, I do play dates, I let the kids sort their own issues out.

in 25 years of school gate experience I’ve made maybe 2 long term good friends who are my friends because we have things in common, not just kids the same age.

I have dozens of FB ‘friends’ who I sometimes do things with but are more fleeting company rather than good friends.

Youre being way too over sensitive and it will be a long few years if you don’t relax a bit.

One thing you can guarantee, she isnt giving it the airtime that you are. She's probably seeing other friends because thats what suits her right now. With the greatest respect, you're overthinking, you need to let it go, be polite when required and move on.

I feel stupid as if I've overreacted by blocking her,

indeed

You said you figured that she was entitled to do what she wanted

but then you decided to block her

silly and petty of you

Don't block her!!! I'd unblock her now!

You were friends in nursery

and then school starts and suddenly for some… friendship group enormously increase. It did for me! but it didn’t for you. and you begrudge it for her

And if she does, they won’t be friends on whatever platform it is anymore so that’ll be just as weird.

- it was making me dread going to the school each day & waiting for my child while this mum pretty much ignored me & had her other mum mates to talk to.

read this back op

this woman can talk to the hell she likes

the fact you seemed to have only had her to talk to you is your problem

Is this honestly how grown women behave?

I’m very sorry you feel this way, it is hard when friendships don’t pan out how you’d hoped, or when it feels other people have been chosen over you for a friendship.
Muting her would have removed her posts from your feed, so in blocking her were you hoping for another reaction? Perhaps hurting her as you had felt hurt?

My view on school mums is the same as with neighbours. Avoid drama at all costs, as invariably it causes way more hassle and impacts your life happiness - you can’t avoid having neighbours and you can’t avoid school drop off. So I would unblock her, let the children carry on as they are and try and move on. Any kind of breakup of a friendship is hurtful if you weren’t the instigator, as the sting of rejection is painful. I doubt very much she is giving this any headspace at all and so for your own well-being I’d move on, and make new friends who value you.

Thank you, out of most response I've had I think this has been the most helpful. Of course I have other friends etc & I do chat to other mums - I do realise that friendships move on, it's more about the way she just dropped me for other people, that's what has hurt me. Thank you for your advice.. maybe I just expect too much from other people at times, as I wouldn't have treated her that way.

- it was making me dread going to the school each day & waiting for my child while this mum pretty much ignored me & had her other mum mates to talk to.

so if you have other friends to talk to at the school gate, what on earth is your problem with this woman talking to others?

maybe I just expect too much from other people at times, as I wouldn't have treated her that way.

she became better friends with others

she did nothing wrong. nothing

I'd leave the playground politics to the kids tbh🤷‍♀️

Maybe ditch social media entirely.... you sound a bit too sensitive for it

She did nothing wrong, she made some new friends and they seem to gel better. You say you've got other friends so why don't you just concentrate on them or finding some new people.

I don't understand why you blocked her, you said you unfollowed her so then you wouldn't have seen her posts. Did you still go and check her page and then feel awful when you saw the pictures?

You're giving it far too much headspace, I'd unblock her because that's just childish and move on, if you see her about then be polite and spend time with people who want to spend time with you.

I cant say this enough School is for kids not the parents they will make friends themselves its called learning.
I dont get play dates at all and some parents get to over involved with it all there is more dramas with the school gate parents than there is with the kids.
Then on to high school collage working along the way they fall out make new friend meet new people its life and the first years at primary school is in the past and its not gonna mean much as the years role on.

I think you know that blocking was an over-reaction OP.

Own that, and accept that this woman isn't going to be your mate. You're just the parent of a kid in the same class as hers.

It doesn't matter who she talks to, concentrate on you now and keep things very light and fluid when it comes to playground friendships in future. Your adult ones and your kid's. They're there 7 years!

A year seems to fly by but it's a lot of time for things to chop and change and for kids and families to drift in and out with each other - and sometimes, as you have discovered - drift back towards you again.

It's nice if your kids make friends with kids who's parents you get on well with however IME (4 kids) it's the exception rather than the rule. Going forward, if you don't expect it you won't be disappointed.

Hi OP, I'm unsure if this is helpful really but I can tell you I've got such a peaceful life since leaving social media. No more comparing, you don't see what people are up to and have been doing. It's made a huge difference to my life and wellbeing and just thought I'd share, maybe you'd benefit as well! That way all that angst about blocking people etc becomes irrelevant.

At my son's school playdates seem to be the way kids form friendships. Lots of mums seemed to know each other before the kids started school and it can be hard to facilitate friendships if you're not in that crowd. From that point of view I do sympathise but contacts at the school gates should be about your kids, not making a social life for yourself. I think you're taking this all way too personally.