Dreading seeing other Mum at school

[Lh5956]

Hello, I know this probably sounds silly to most, but I'm feeling so anxious about the school year starting again in September. Mainly because most of the Mums can be so cliquey. Also, I'm almost 8 months pregnant & I feel so hormonal & extra sensitive with lots of things right now. Please be respectful.

Anyways - to explain, there's a mum at my child's school, her child & mine are great friends which I've always been happy about. When they were in nursery together etc, we would have met up alot & had each child over at eachothers houses etc. Last year the contact started to dwindle away, & I found it was me making most of the effort trying to make conversations etc & planning to meet up etc. Next thing, I was going on to Facebook & instagram & seeing the mums social media posts & photos about other meetups with other kids from the class, having them round to their house etc & this started to happen on several different occasions.

'That's OK' I thought - they're entitled to meet up with other people, 'but she's just gone all picture no sound with me', which hurt as I thought we were starting to become gd mates... after months of this, I ended up blocking her social media, even after just unfollowing her, as it was starting to upset me seeing all of the photos, especially during the school holidays when my child was asking about meeting up with them.

Now, fast forward 8 months & I've had a text inviting my child to their bday next month. Which is OK, I'm happy to let my child go as it's their friend, & I've let her know my child will be going.

I feel stupid as if I've overreacted by blocking her, but I did it out of self preservation - it was making me dread going to the school each day & waiting for my child while this mum pretty much ignored me & had her other mum mates to talk to. I constantly felt like I had to rush away after the pick up. That's why I didn't want anything to do with her, I didn't want to see any of that anymore. I just don't know how to handle this going forward... should I just do nothing? Has anyone gone through anything similar like this with a mum friend?
I feel really anxious around her now, especially as we were fine at the beginning. It's really affected my confidence 😔

You over thinking this and blocked her is silly. She allowed to see other friends...it's healthy to have lots of friends rather than one. Yabu.

I had a situation exactly like this. My DD started nursery and I became friends with a mum. We even talked about going camping together. However, she became better friends with other mums (who I felt were more interesting and fun than me!). She dropped me really suddenly. It hurt a lot because I'd moved to the city a couple of years before and had struggled to make friends. I'd been so lonely for years. This friendship meant a lot to me!
I must admit I felt quite awkward around her after that, even up until our kids started secondary school! However, I never felt she did anything wrong. She's actually a really lovely person who just found people who were a better match for her.
I didn't mind seeing her with her friends or on social media. I was just a bit sad that I hadn't formed the same type of friendships.I think you've really taken it to heart and taken it too seriously.
Just unblock her, accept the situation, be perfectly pleasant to her and get on with your life. I say this gently.

@SallyWD what a sensible post!

It made me think - when a kid starts school for the first time they sort of make friends randomly with who ever's nearest. Closest port in a storm sort of thing. But as the year/s go by and they get to know the whole class they home in on better matches.

It's probably the same for parents who are sociable and/or looking for new parent friends. Everyone chats with everyone at first but after a while it settles down and folk find the right fit. It's sad if it means others are left behind but it's human nature and we have to move on too.

Polite indifference.

I think blocking someone is quite a statement. You could definitely avoid seeing the interactions without blocking by simply just unfollowing.
If she figured out you'd blocked her then that won't have helped the situation.
My advice would be to just unfollow in the future. It makes it awkward for the children when there's drama between the parents.

I find that school mum friends are very much navigated by who your children are friends with. I know that you say the children are close, but maybe the friends child had different friends they want to play with outside of school? It's normal. It happens to my son. Yeah it does make me sad to see him not included in everything, but it's just the way it is.

You can't change the past OP. My advice would be to be amicable and if she continues to bother you then unfollow her.

You ‘wouldn’t have treated her that way’? But you blocked her on social media because she’s got other friends?

She probably thought you were a friendly acquaintance and now you’ve blocked her, and if she’s realised (she might not have done) she’ll think you’re the one who doesn’t want to be friends!

I think you’re the one who has made this situation awkward, and it would be a valuable lesson to realise yourself and teach your kids that people can have lots of different friends, that’s perfectly ok, and you don’t have to overreact about that fact.

I think the best thing you can do is either unblock her and carry on as normal, or just take a break from social media entirely for a while, it’s not really healthy to fixate on other people’s social media feed like this.

I think you are getting a hard time. I have been “dropped” like this, difference was my DC was dropped at same time . It was outside of school -not by her child in school, where they remained friends. It hurt me at the time ,as in hurt on behalf of my child. I do think some people are “butterfly” like in friendships. They like to be admired and looked on as wonderful thing, then fly away before / move on before someone realises they are their equal. Either way , it sounds like you reacted in hurt for yourself and child, that is human. Now focus on you are DC meeting other people.

she didn't do anything wrong - and you in return blocked her?.... i mean - this is your issue OP, not hers. I imagine if she did find out you blocked her without any real reason - she would be suitable baffled, and annoyed?

While I’m really sorry you feel hurt. It’s perfectly legitimate for her to be spending time with people she connects with more naturally.

People tend to makes an effort with everyone to begin with and then shift their energy onto the people that they feel most comfortable with over time. It’s a bummer when someone who you have identified as a person you would like to be close to doesn’t feel the same way - but they’re not wronging you by spending time with other people instead.

suggest you use the ‘mute’ function on social media in future rather than blocking people? Has the same effect for you without creating questions from them.

If you want to be involved more then maybe volunteer to help with class stuff to get to know the other students and their parents better. Or headphones in and smile - and focus your energy on new mum / baby groups.

once you find your people you won’t need to angst about it. This mum is clearly not your people - doesn’t mean she’s necessarily in the wrong at all, it’s ok to not fit - and if you let it go with grace you’ll have more space for the people that are a good fit for you

It's the children going to school - not the adults.

Let the kids be friends with whoever and don't get involved in drama with their parents.

Well you’ve made this into a ‘situation’ when it didn’t need to be. Can’t believe you blocked her because her and her child have other friends, are you 12?! I’m embarrassed for you 🙈🙈

Kids can be close in nursery but as they grow and develop their circle increases which is what has happened here, but kid obviously still likes yours hence the birthday invite. It’s good to have a wide circle of friends rather than one codependent relationship.

Did you and the mum have a friendship independent of the children, did you meet for lunch or nights out etc? Or was it purely a friendship of convenience because of the kids?

Either way you need to chill out, stop making it all about you and maybe send dad to do to the drop offs and picks ups while you regain your composure.

Probably OP is triggered by memories being at school herself?

The other mothers at the school gates only fleeting.

Far better to have a couple of true friends than school gate ones

Social media causes a lot of unhappiness for people too-

But it’s always very carefully curated.

What you see isn’t what’s going on in that person’s life, necessarily.

What do you mean by 'ignoring you' op?

Are you saying hello to her and is she turning away pointedly in disgust?

Or is she simply talking to other people when you arrive?

I arrive at the school playground 1 minute before the doors open, and then we leave straight after. Can't be doing with all the drama and don't want to get into any of it.

School drop-off/pick up, which I alternate with DH or depending upon work commitments, takes precisely 10 minutes of my time once or twice a day. It should be taking up precisely that amount of your headspace.

My DC is in his last year of primary school. I had lovely 'mum friends' when attending local swimming, baby and breastfeeding groups. We even went to the local and the theatre together. When we went back to work, a lot of the kids attended the two local nurseries together. Then they grew older, scattered into various schools, and everyone moved on - in our case to the next village whilst some found new friends in their second child's parent peer-group.

This is fine and to be expected. It was a lovely time, but it was transitory, and I never placed higher expectations on it than that. If met any of them in the street I'd be pleased to see them, that's if we even remembered each other. It's been a while.

This is precisely what your DC's time in primary school will look like in a few years. It goes by in a flash. My female friends are few, but very close and real, and whilst the parents at DC's school seem great and always have a smile and a 'hello', I don't number my friendships among them.

Let these women ignore you. What does that matter to you? You have a new baby to look forward to soon, and a life of your own, none of which revolves around your DC's school. Congratulations and I wish you a peaceful remaining pregnancy.

The headspace and emotional energy you are devoting to these people, who don't even matter, by the way, is astonishing.

Wow, alot of posters seem to be taking your post personally. Calm down people, she didn't block you 🙄

I think you we're right to block her if her posts were upsetting you. It's horrible when you think you're building a friendship and you get dropped. Even if she doesn't want you as a friend, a simple hello at the school gates wouldn't kill her. From the sounds of it she's been ghosting you which is hurtful no matter what some say on here.

At least you know where youstand with her. I'd stop making the effort completely. Give the same energy you get.

Im not even reading half of the horrible replies on here - typical online trolling 🙄 all I asked for was some advice on what to do next - it's a normal human feeling to feel hurt by being dropped by a friend/mate/partner, whoever !!!

I think it’s fine to block someone whose social media content is having a negative effect on you. I also think that friendships change or end, and as much as it can hurt, that’s ok. I’d just keep interactions minimal on the school run and keep supporting your child to maintain their friendships with classmates. Don’t overthink the playground - drop and run.

Because people might have a different perspective to you doesn't mean they're trolling.

Yes fair enough. Apprentiate everybody on the planet has their opinion, as do i, and thats ok. But there's also definitely some saddo's who have accounts to troll people on this website. Some of the things I've read on here are truly horrible.

Would she even have noticed you've blocked her? I know I wouldn't.

Stick to WhatsApp to arrange play dates etc in future. No social media comparisons

I've been the other mum in this situation although my dds friends mum didn't block me. Tbh I felt a bit suffocated with the assumption that we had to talk to each other everyday and be exclusive friends just because our girls went to nursery together. I did really like the other mum but just wanted to break free a bit.

I would keep it as civil and drama free as possible. No one owes anyone a friendship just because their kids are friends. They'll probably fall out here and there as kids do its much easier for everyone to keep it civil and not get emotionally involved.

Now you're expecting it might be a good idea to attend baby groups and make friends outside of the school playground.

Thank f*ck I don't use social media 😅 just do the drop-off and get on with your day.

I avoid folk if I can and say hello in passing. I have other stuff going on in my life that takes up head space unfortunately.

Occasionally I have to meet up with other mums for parties or play dates but I try not to make a habit of it as I have a busy family life with four children.

@Superfoodie123

Same here. I'm in this situation right now. I never had any ill intent in it and still like them but it was just intense and I felt she relied on me too much.