Dreading seeing other Mum at school

[Lh5956]

Hello, I know this probably sounds silly to most, but I'm feeling so anxious about the school year starting again in September. Mainly because most of the Mums can be so cliquey. Also, I'm almost 8 months pregnant & I feel so hormonal & extra sensitive with lots of things right now. Please be respectful.

Anyways - to explain, there's a mum at my child's school, her child & mine are great friends which I've always been happy about. When they were in nursery together etc, we would have met up alot & had each child over at eachothers houses etc. Last year the contact started to dwindle away, & I found it was me making most of the effort trying to make conversations etc & planning to meet up etc. Next thing, I was going on to Facebook & instagram & seeing the mums social media posts & photos about other meetups with other kids from the class, having them round to their house etc & this started to happen on several different occasions.

'That's OK' I thought - they're entitled to meet up with other people, 'but she's just gone all picture no sound with me', which hurt as I thought we were starting to become gd mates... after months of this, I ended up blocking her social media, even after just unfollowing her, as it was starting to upset me seeing all of the photos, especially during the school holidays when my child was asking about meeting up with them.

Now, fast forward 8 months & I've had a text inviting my child to their bday next month. Which is OK, I'm happy to let my child go as it's their friend, & I've let her know my child will be going.

I feel stupid as if I've overreacted by blocking her, but I did it out of self preservation - it was making me dread going to the school each day & waiting for my child while this mum pretty much ignored me & had her other mum mates to talk to. I constantly felt like I had to rush away after the pick up. That's why I didn't want anything to do with her, I didn't want to see any of that anymore. I just don't know how to handle this going forward... should I just do nothing? Has anyone gone through anything similar like this with a mum friend?
I feel really anxious around her now, especially as we were fine at the beginning. It's really affected my confidence 😔

I speak to other mums at pick ups, friendly when I see them, and do playdates because our kids are in the same class; I’m not really fussed if I’m mates with them or not.

If we became friends it wouldn’t be the type of friendship i’d be investing heavily in whilst our kids are in school and nursery because so much changes as kids get older.

It’s rude if she’s actually ignoring you at pick ups obviously, but i would just accept she wasn’t the person I thought she was.

How many people here would be fine with spending lots of time with someone and then blanking them at the school gate? I don’t really get the voting on this, I wouldn’t like someone who did that to someone else and I certainly wouldn’t do it myself. It seems just needlessly mean. If you want society to be pleasant and warm thats how you have to behave yourself. Be the change you want to see and all that.

If you want the society your children to grow up in to be kind then you have to be kind yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with everyone but a smile and a quick word take very little.

I think you’re overthinking and overreacting massively here. There’s obviously some other issues going on.

I think I find that (not all) but lots of mums are getting back to work or having other kids by school age and time pressure just increases- you really do just end up focusing on those friends that naturally fall into your life and those other play date mums just fall away

it’s hard not to feel excluded but just breathe and move.

surely nobody cares if they’re blocked on social media anymore ?

I think you're overthinking, she probably doesn't know you blocked her. Probably in the future just hide her. Sorry to be harsh, but actions have consequences so think things through next time

Agreed.

Oh yes I've been through similar. With someone that I liked hanging out with. She was interested in my partner and turned out really bad in the end. Jyst. BE really careful . If someone us causing all this drama and anxiety be cautious. And she could just be looking for a window n how you're feeling after all her behaviour. If I was you I should not appear at the party .

I understand how you feel. My daughter had a friendship like this and so I became quite friendly with her mum. We went on a night out, had coffee every week while they danced and chatted a lot on WhatsApp.

Our daughters were best friends but it was always me asking her daughter round for a play date and her saying no we’re too busy.

By year 2, my daughter was struggling with school and really bad anxiety so we decided to home educate her. This mum knew exactly what my daughter had been going through, yet she wasn’t happy with our decision because her girl had been saying she wanted to be home educated and I’d put her in an awkward position?! Sorry that my autistic daughter has caused you so much trouble!

Not once did she ask how she was after she left. No message to ask how she’s getting on, nothing. Blanked us at a class party too. Just completely erased us from her life. So I blocked her on everything because I do not need that in my life.

She was badly bullied in high school so you’d think she’d treat people better! Nah, she thinks she’s better than everyone else. I’d block her again if I had to, regret nothing.

OP I think some posters have not been very understanding on here and perhaps can't relate to how hurt you feel as they can let go of friendships more easily.

I was in a very similar position four years ago. I'd been friends with a mum for 6 years and as soon as our sons moved into the next school year she befriended a group of mums but failed to introduce me. I was really hurt but having low self esteem and feeling mentally fragile at the time, I wasn't able to join in or introduce myself. Within in two weeks she had moved on and my son lost his best friend to a boy of one of the mums. I found it very hard to get over but I did eventually recover and make new friends, one of which I met on Peanut app for meeting local mums. Another I made at a playgroup and another previous acquaintance grew into a friendship.

I think if you can unblock this lady and try to make a little eye contact at school then that will help ease the awkwardness and hopefully your children can at least remain friends. Then focus on building on the friendships you do have and creating new ones. As an another poster said, you will be very busy with your new baby soon so maintaining friendships will be tricky anyway. Perhaps you could make new friends with mums with a new baby the same age a bit later down the line?

Wow lots of nasty comments on here, OP I think you’re not being unreasonable but it’s just how some people are sadly. I’ve had similar experience with school mums, I’ve had children in school for almost 14 years and it’s always the same kind of people who think they’re queen bee social butterflies. My eldest daughter had the worst mums, and I’ve often found girl mums to be the hardest to get in with. Never had an issue with the boy mums! One mum even forgot my name after the girls had left year 6, I saw her in the street and she didn’t even recognise me even though our girls were really good friends and her daughter had been over to my house etc etc! It’s tough to feel that kind of rejection when you’ve made an effort, but I just chalked it up to them being really cliquey and they just didn’t want any new friends. I’ve also had experience with my other little girl being left out of play dates and birthday parties in reception, by girls who she was very good friends with in nursery. It’s tough to explain to a little child! Nobody likes to feel rejected, but it’s important not to take it too personally. This is your opportunity to introduce yourself to other mums in the playground who you might have previously overlooked.

Firstly, deactivate social media for a while. It’s healthy to have a detox from time to time, and this way, if she mentions you’ve vanished from Facebook, you can say you’re having a break from it. Not a lie, just an omission of truth. Hopefully that will alleviate the short term anxiety. If/when you reactivate, either add her back if you want her on there (she’ll probably think nothing of it), or just leave it and don’t mention it. She might not have even noticed.

Secondly, send your child to the party and don’t mention any of this. But for your own protection, try not to think of this as an olive branch for you. You’ve clearly drifted apart, and it’s common for parents to invite a large volume of kids to children’s birthday parties. But it will be good for your child to attend. If you have a partner, maybe ask them to accompany your child to the party if you’re still feeling sensitive about it.

Finally, try to work on your personal resilience. I get it. It hurts when you’re left out and when friends dump you. I long ago gave up on the idea of making school mum friends and now think I dodged a bullet by avoiding all the immature playground clique drama. As a PP said, school is for the kids, not parents. Join groups based on things that interest you and try and make one or two lovely close friends with shared hobbies and passions, and shut your heart off to all this stuff. It’s not worth it, believe me.

Nothing wrong with being selective to who you follow and block.
Sometimes life looks so good online.
Cliquey groups at school are best avoided.
Im so glad i miss the pickup and go in later to avoid all this bs.
You will find some nice mums along the way.

I am so happy to not have any social media. It turns adults into teens imo.

Just unblock her. She might not have even noticed.

Unblock and then mute if you still think the posts will bother you. If anything is ever said - and I very much doubt it would be - you can truthfully say she isn’t blocked.
Stay off social media for a bit and be friendly on the school run with nothing to worry about and maybe you’ll make new friends.

Honestly I think a long break from social media is the answer OP - it can exacerbate this sort of anxiety no end. I came off it completely a year or so after DC were born as the competitive parent posts were making me feel quite anxious. Made a huge difference to my mental health generally!