Dreading seeing other Mum at school

[Lh5956]

Hello, I know this probably sounds silly to most, but I'm feeling so anxious about the school year starting again in September. Mainly because most of the Mums can be so cliquey. Also, I'm almost 8 months pregnant & I feel so hormonal & extra sensitive with lots of things right now. Please be respectful.

Anyways - to explain, there's a mum at my child's school, her child & mine are great friends which I've always been happy about. When they were in nursery together etc, we would have met up alot & had each child over at eachothers houses etc. Last year the contact started to dwindle away, & I found it was me making most of the effort trying to make conversations etc & planning to meet up etc. Next thing, I was going on to Facebook & instagram & seeing the mums social media posts & photos about other meetups with other kids from the class, having them round to their house etc & this started to happen on several different occasions.

'That's OK' I thought - they're entitled to meet up with other people, 'but she's just gone all picture no sound with me', which hurt as I thought we were starting to become gd mates... after months of this, I ended up blocking her social media, even after just unfollowing her, as it was starting to upset me seeing all of the photos, especially during the school holidays when my child was asking about meeting up with them.

Now, fast forward 8 months & I've had a text inviting my child to their bday next month. Which is OK, I'm happy to let my child go as it's their friend, & I've let her know my child will be going.

I feel stupid as if I've overreacted by blocking her, but I did it out of self preservation - it was making me dread going to the school each day & waiting for my child while this mum pretty much ignored me & had her other mum mates to talk to. I constantly felt like I had to rush away after the pick up. That's why I didn't want anything to do with her, I didn't want to see any of that anymore. I just don't know how to handle this going forward... should I just do nothing? Has anyone gone through anything similar like this with a mum friend?
I feel really anxious around her now, especially as we were fine at the beginning. It's really affected my confidence 😔

This is a fair point. A woman I went to school with popped up asking to be a facebook friend every now and then. I accepted the first 8 or so times, because I assumed she was going on and off facebook but I'd never noticed her actually removing me. Then I got bored of whatever the game was and stopped accepting. Met her at a reunion and she was most put out. Turns out she had been unfriending me for crimes such as "not liking my new profile picture", then adding me again to "give me another chance". I told her I would not be responding to games so I would add her, but if she mucked about again then I wouldn't accept. A week or two later another invitation came through, and some more since, but I just ignore her now. Difficult to say what her behaviour achieved apart from making me think she's bit mad.

I'm so sorry grown women have blanked you. That's very rude.
Are you attending any nct groups? Hopefully you'll make some new friends at baby groups? It's good you already have some.

@GRex wow that's mad.

It sounds like you and your child are very keen on meeting up with them but it is one sided. It’s possible that the other child isn’t as friendly with your child as you think. That’s not to say they actively dislike them but aren’t asking for play dates. If they were, I expect the mum would be more forthcoming with meeting up. People are busy, I do try and prioritise my children’s social life and play dates etc as much as possible but there is a lot to fit in. My ds2’s has been asking for a play date with his best friend all summer. I know it's mutual because his friend's mum has been messaging me asking for them to meet but we just haven’t been able to find a date that suits both of us!

This is all normal btw. My ds2 was very good friends with another boy in preschool and we had lots of play dates but that started to dwindle in reception as they found other friends. I am still friendly with the mum, no one has done anything wrong but our children just aren’t best friends anymore, that’s the way the cookie crumbles with children this age.

I think you were very unreasonable in blocking the other mum on social media when she hasn’t done anything wrong. I definitely wouldn’t be rushing to arrange more play dates with someone who did this to me. Tbh if you were regretting it you could always add her again and say oh sorry I deleted you by accident, or something.

Why do you view the posts on this thread as "horrible" and "typical online trolling"? Especially if you haven't read half of them! For the most part, people are offering reasonable advice and different perspectives.

It seems to me that you have overreacted to your friend's interactions with other people by blocking her on social media. As a PP said, that action will make her think that you're the one who doesn't want to be friends. I would unblock her and when you see her at the school gates be completely friendly. There's no need to turn this situation into any sort of drama.

I think the OP's reports of online trolling about people who may have a different opinion says a lot. I really think it's ridiculous when people on here call friendship groups 'cliques'. There's an assumption with some that a group of friends at the school gates have to include everyone or they're being terribly mean,

People's friendships move on. Just concentrate on your own friends.

I feel for you. The problem here I think is that maybe for some reason, she feels the two of you didn’t bond, or she felt like you didn’t have a lot in common, or she’s the sort of person who will pick people up & drop them for no reason. It can feel like the mums are cliquey, especially if you are feeling hormonal and sensitive. But tbh, women who are being cliquey and unfriendly to others probably aren’t the sort of friends you need anyway!! I’m past the playground pick ups, but still remember! Personally, I’d try to relax about the school pick ups, standing a distance from the mum in question doesn’t allow her to ignore you, strike up a chat with another mum. I can bet you there’ll be lots of mums standing on their own. Even look out for a mum who could be pregnant like you. The mum you’re talking about doesn’t sound very kind, I wouldn’t bother with her. Concentrate on your little family, strike up chats with other mums. A good convo starter could be “ooh I’m shattered today! I’ve been really busy”
“can’t wait to get the kettle on for a cuppa!” Even resort to saying about the weather! Anything! I bet there’s loads of mums wanting a chat!
good luck! You sound lovely! Ignore the cliquey mums!!

I do think it's a bit wierd of her to completely ignore you. I think if you had been close before then a hello at least would be civil. However, as @Superfoodie123 had said, I've also been in a situation where another mum always expected me to just talk to her at pick up even when some other mums wanted to talk to me. It was as if she felt that was the routine and it had to be that way. Mummy friendships are very fickle and many of us mums are 'friends' with other mums during each stage of primary to what suits us and who our DCs are friends with. I used to be close to a few mums in the nursery stage doing plays dates and now we are just 'hello' acquaintances because our kids split classes and time and situation made it that way. It's wierd when I think once we were having deep convos in each others living rooms and now it's just a polite hello. I think you shouldn't have blocked her but I also understand because it can feel very personal, even when it isn't. I do think as adults we sometimes don't realise the effect we can have on others. She probably isn't saying hello because she may feel it would start a conversation and she doesn't want to - not that she doesn't like you but prefers the other mums because maybe they are more 'popular' or better connected. That behaviour is childish too. Either way, don't worry about it. This happens all the time. Just concentrate on your DCs

I used to.live in a world of no mobile phones or SM it was great. No photos of people pretending they were having a good time, no look at me, I've a big car (just rent it tho) no look I've I've loads of friends and no anxiety. Get off your phone and live in the real world, enjoy your children and don't worry what other people are doing.

I think the OP's reports of online trolling about people who may have a different opinion says a lot.

I agree. There have been many, many posts just like this over the years, and unfortunately, the majority of the op's almost always totally refuse to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe it's them and their personal insecurity issues, and in fact, not absolutely everyone is horrible and out to get them.

Kindly OP, just relax.
You don't have to be mates with all the mums or your kids friends.
This woman has found friends she gelled with.
I'm sorry you haven't but I'm sure it will come.
You will make friends eventually.
Some advice I can give is to talk to the dads! They can sometimes be more chilled to talk to.
Don't go for the clique/popular group. Look for the geeky mums (this is me!) or people who seem to be on their own- smile and just be plesaant.

You really don't need to worry. I never made friends until year 1 of school. I only had acquaintances before. Now it's a struggle fitting everyone in 🤣 Truthfully, I still prefer my old friends as company. School mums group seems fleeting and a bit superficial.
Don't change yourself for others.
Don't worry too much about social media, I wouldn't block again but unfollow if things are getting for you.
Take a step back x

Personally I hated the school run and all the cliques etc and was glad to go back to full time work and hand it over to DH. Funnily enough no-one tried to 'clique' him (or more likely he would have been completely oblivious to it!) and he just chatted politely to everyone. No social media then however.

I'm so glad that I didn't get to see what my friends and acquaintances were doing, when I was younger. We saw each other when we did. Some of us met at the school gates, some of us met for coffee in pairs or a group. But that was all I focused on, because I didn't have social media to tell me what the others were doing when I was at home or otherwise engaged.

I thought it was only teenagers who were made to feel left out by seeing their friends activities on social media. But apparently not.

My kids are older than yours but I still remember with a shudder how these cliques made me feel. I'm so sorry it's hard for you at the moment . There is a type of school gate group that seems to be an extension of mean girl teen cliques. It's not just you this a common problem .. I wouldn't unblock she sounds awful

Also I came off Facebook years ago and that helped hugely ..

Maybe your husband isn't oblivious at all. Maybe there really weren't "cliques", just people standing around chatting, and like most people, your husband would say hello, good morning, etc, and not think twice about it because there's really nothing to think about. You drop your kids off and get on with your day, and you don't give a second thought to what the other parents are doing.

My brother and son came off it- I came off too, and it's great! For people you really care about, one can what's app them.

I know of grown adults who are really affected negatively by social media , Instagram especially.

It's so often a boast fest ''Look what I have bought! look where I have been &c''

This is most likely. This sort of silly self-obsession actually makes me feel quite cross.

Most classes have 30 kids, our school is dual form so 61 kids (one has a 1-1), and 2 are twins. Some days 5 might do clubs, other days 25. That leaves minimum 34 other parents picking up, most of whom I know by name, plus all the kids themselves once collected. Then there are neighbours collecting their kids, TAs collecting their own kids, childminders we met from nursery etc. Where possible, yes I will smile/ nod at all 50 or so people who I know and are directly in my path at drop-off and pick-up. If I chat to a couple of closer mates though, then I can't do that, or there are not the 5 minutes to exchange plans for a drink / discuss someone's health issue / discuss someone's dad's funeral plans / agree to pick up their kid on Friday when they have a clash / discuss who wants to book a kid event together/ agree dates to book the same summer camps / praise their older kid getting a sports medal etc etc. Yes you can join the chat about summer camps, but no you can't join in about X's operation and related childcare support. It isn't cliques, it is just friends grabbing a few minutes that they are not sharing with you.

I think it’s really unkind not to include someone you spent a lot of time with previously. It’s actually downright odd. I just wave people over and invite them into the conversation I’m having.

Anyhow OP, whats done is done. Try to frame school relationships as fleeting and see it as centred on your child rather than you. Stop thinking of it as a personal relationship and more as you are a PA organising your child’s schedule talking to another PA. You may find some people are more open and inclusive than others, you may not like some people etc. but your “work” here is centred on whats good for your “boss” not you. You don’t have to like or be liked to get the jobs done.

The school gates can be difficult for those of us who struggle more with social relationships or are more sensitive to rejection but it helps to not see it as personal.

I havent read the full thread but your post struck a chord with me as in some way I could have written it - except I was invited to one of the mum group catch ups quite out of the blue, and then never again. There were 5 mums who all had kids in the same years as mine and my kids were besties with theirs. My kids started to ask me why we were never invited to the get togethers, of which, there were many. I just had to divert the convo and say we had catch up with other people and highlight the benefits of not just being in one tight group. I hear you and its hard. Try to park it as you wont resolve it by ruminating and you will just get tied in knots. I dont think you are being unreasonable. Id maybe try nod/smile if they do but nothing more. Sorry you had this experience. Its not nice.

So true and one of the reasons I don't do social media. Causes so many problems.
People sharing their perfect lives??????????????????

Hi OP. Sorry you are getting so many shitty replies. Typical Mumsnet.
I don't blame you for blocking her.
Sounds like she treated you badly and you did it to make yourself feel better.
My boy is only one, and I already dread all this school mum / gate crap.
I have been to baby groups where mums haven't really made the effort to speak to me / have only seemed interested in their own friends.
I didn't make a single friend during my maternity leave, ha ha.
Only thing I would say is try not to take it personally.
Maybe she had pre existing friendships with these other mums, maybe they live close by, she knows them from other places.
Either way, the issue is not you.
Just try and rise above it and focus on the friends you do have, and your kids.
They're not worth it.
She won't even know you've blocked her will she?
I think the people saying you've caused drama are talking crap.
Finally, the way you are feeling is totally valid.
I am a fairly sensible and pretty high functioning human but am insecure and would be exactly the same.
Hope it blows over for you soon.

This 100%! I really understand the OP and don't get why some of the replies are so negative. It's upsetting when people we thought were friends act like the the OP has described.