Does anyone else not really have any friends?

[Hernamewaslola22]

Wondering if it's just me. I have friends at work and 1 or 2 out of work...we very very rarely do anything together. I spend most weekends completely alone. I feel like most women have these big groups of girlfriends.

Did you mean to be so rude? Yes, of course you did.

Agreed. I loathed school and have only kept one friend from then, and my university crowd were largely situational. The vast majority of my friends were made over the age of 25. It’s absolutely possible, and in many ways creates stronger friendships, as you’re more of a full self. I think the kind of people who claim making friends post-school or -university is impossible are the kind of people who have a very ingrained sense of ‘life stages’ eg ‘This is school and university, the time for fun and making friends. This is the stage for settling down and getting on the property ladder. This is the stage where I get married and have children. I may be allowed to make some ‘mum friends at this stage, but really, I’m supposed to have a full friend quota by now.’

Whereas the rest of us don’t have such a strong narrative of what should happen when, and are open to making friends at any point. I’ve moved around a lot, so I’ve had to be pro-active about landing somewhere new and looking around for opportunities to meet people I may like. And this is despite a neglected childhood with timid, withdrawn parents who never modelled fruends, and bullying at school. I’ve worked on my anxiety through therapy. It’s also a muscle that gets stronger with use.

Some of my closest friends I met at uni but some I met while living abroad immediately after and again living abroad in another country about a decade later when I was in my early 30s. I do think Uni is a good time to meet friends for many of us (and to meet partners!) but definitely not the end of the world if you don’t. There will be other opportunities.

The friend I talk to most regularly now in my late 30s is one I met in 2020 through what I’ll describe as an online hobby turned career group. She’s not necessarily my closest friend but she is a good friend!

In my mid 20s I still had quite a few friends from school, who either caused me a lot of drama or we just lost contact with each other. I eventually ditched them, now I’ve only got two of them I see very sporadically and interestingly neither of them were actually my classmates .

One of them I’m very close to but I think of her as more of a little sister (she’s a few years younger than me)

@SeaweedSundress

Whereas the rest of us don’t have such a strong narrative of what should happen when, and are open to making friends at any point. I’ve moved around a lot, so I’ve had to be pro-active about landing somewhere new and looking around for opportunities to meet people I may like. And this is despite a neglected childhood with timid, withdrawn parents who never modelled fruends, and bullying at school. I’ve worked on my anxiety through therapy. It’s also a muscle that gets stronger with use.

Totally agree. I think a big big factor in all this is also that so many people basically give up on making any new friendships when they have a partner/spouse and children, then they bob along for years in the family bubble. Then they wake up one day and say: “wow I dont have any friends!”.

Well… yes. Making and keeping friends is something people have to work at. You don’t magically make a full set of friends which remains pickled in aspic at 21. It’s an evolving process and it needs a bit of work and commitment.

Some people do struggle with anxiety and a sense of loneliness and it’s important to be aware of this: this must be really hard and I have sympathy.

But a fair few people are honestly their own worst enemies. I see posts all the time on here from people who say they don’t need friends because they have “my little family” and who shut the world out and get the hump about being asked to socialise through work.

These are usually the same people who are blindsided when their marriages break up 15 years later and find they have alienated all their friends by not being available for them for years because they were too busy with “my little family.”

Seeing as you have 2 children, I assume you have, or had, a partner? Partners are a lot harder to attract and keep than friends, so I’m sure you can do it

I've a best friend and some smaller circle of friends.

Such a cringey thing to say. Men have plenty drama too, depending on the personalities. Maybe you just attracted poor personalities in the past, can’t say I’ve had drama with my friends since high school

I have to disagree with this...I think it's far easier to find a romantic partner than it is to find friends.

This outlook is what makes people miserably unhappy and lonely in middle age.

You are happily married and that’s enough? That’s great… until you’re not! Do you really think it’s sensible to put absolutely every egg into one basket?

You say female friendships create “drama”: that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. Female friendships if done properly are hugely life enhancing. You just have not had the right friends. I urge you to reconsider this: you are missing out on so much happiness and leaving yourself dangerously vulnerable.

Again, not true. Why does a group of friends have to be 100? 5/6 can be a group of friends, and very good ones!

Taking a whole of life approach I can honestly say that the women I know who are and remain the happiest and most engaged in life - right up to very old age - are those with really good friendships. It is pretty fundamental. This does not preclude them from having good marriages and good rationships with children etc but I genuinely think that good friendships where there is fun, practical mutual support, care, laughter, company etc is almost MORE important.

Hear hear. It’s so shortsighted to think marriage negates the need for friendship.

I used to have a huge group of friends, like you see in films, books, series etc...
It all appeared idyllic.
It wasn't.
I was actually deeply insecure and was collecting friends like pokemons, because it gave me a false sense of validation. The more friends I had, the more it meant I was a great person. Everyone in that group was doing the same, but it was a smoke screen.

Now I just have a few friends, and I mostly see them in very small groups, often just one at a time, but with them I feel I can be myself and vulnerable, and so can they.

looks like you have friends, maybe you can try to nurture those friendships rather than aiming for a group just for appearance.

No friends here. I did have some growing up but moved away then had children young in a very rural area. Self employed wfh. So my chances of making them organically are very low. I'm also a introvert so I need massive amounts of time alone to recharge untill I'm comfortable with someone then I can recharge whilst in their company. My children however much I love them dearly drain the very soul out of me at their young ages.

I don't have the capacity or energy currently to grow and take care of a new friendship. I need a friendship that is comfortable and we take turns in caring for eachother whilst we are in the trenches of whatever hardship of life we are currently in.

I did try baby groups and even paid for a nct course which got cancelled in my area. I knew motherhood particularly was going to be isolating and hard without friendship. I've tried the peanut app too. Hobbies the gym all sorts.

I think I'm looking for a real low key friend but one that's happy to chat for a good solid time to try and build that foundation but without too much time/ energy investment. It's really difficult to transfer that into a really deep friendship. I understand I could come across unbothered or flaky.

One day I will have more energy. But for now I'm just surviving.

I'd like more friends but I could never in a million years send someone a message asking if they want to meet for a coffee or lunch....hence why any new friendships have fallen by the wayside pretty quickly. I'm terrified I'll ask someone to meet up and they'll say no

@Comedycook

I have to disagree with this...I think it's far easier to find a romantic partner than it is to find friends.

Can you explain this to me? I have seen other people say this on here too and I find it baffling. Not in a head tilting Mumsnet way I genuinely find it completely bizarre.

Going on a date is one of the most stressful things most people can experience: it’s up there with exams or moving house.

Having a coffe or a pint with someone without there being any romantic intention is a walk in the park compared to this.

I find it absolutely bizarre that so many people who have put themselves through the white knuckle ride of dating can be nervous about having a chat with another woman. What is that about?

Honestly I'd rather go on a first date any day than make small talk at a kids party with other mums!

I haven't been single for a long time but I never found dates difficult...i think chatting to a random man in a bar is much easier than trying to chat to a random woman in the hope of making a friend. I guess with romantic relationships the signs are clearer and easier to understand.

I do now but never used to. I had work mates and 1 other friend.

However I've met friends when dcs at school and although some of my dcs are now adults us mums remained friends.
I have dcs in primary now but as an ' older mum' I haven't made friend's , as in we would socialise , but would chat at gate or at parties

I agree that it is easier to find a partner than friends if you are socially anxious. At least I know my partner likes me otherwise he wouldn’t be with me but I never can tell with other people

I have a problem with being friends with someone just to count them as a friend. The world is filled with people who want to monologue at me; one came around yesterday and spent 2hr talking at me, actually being affronted when I questioned any view point. Many such cases.

Similarly, I don’t like gossips, another classic of the friend genre, as in my experience they leverage any information from me to use as gossip currency with others.
Given these options, yes, I would rather have fewer or even no friends.

Yes this is it. I can tell if a man likes me and is interested. I have no idea if I'm chatting to another woman if she likes my company or not. Maybe she's being polite. Also when I was young and single (not now I'm old and fat!) I knew I was quite pretty. I knew a lot of men found me attractive. I do not have confidence though to feel that someone would want to be friends with me.

@Comedycook

I haven't been single for a long time but I never found dates difficult...i think chatting to a random man in a bar is much easier than trying to chat to a random woman in the hope of making a friend. I guess with romantic relationships the signs are clearer and easier to understand

This is fascinating. I feel the exact opposite. I haven’t been single for a while either but I found dating unbearably stressful, but don’t find chatting to potential friends difficult at all.

I thought most people felt as I did until I came on here. I find it fascinating (and slightly shocking) how many people seem to find the prospect of making friends so difficult.

No judgement, everyone is different. It just makes no sense to me.

Yes it's interesting isn't it. I suppose in terms of men and dating, I kind of understood what a lot of men wanted. In terms of female friendships I generally have no idea what other women are looking for in a friend.

well, yes, I meant to be rude in that I thought your statement was ridiculous. Which I stand by.
If you can possibly justify it I'd be very interested in hearing your explanation.
It was as if someone posted 'I wish I had a dog, does anyone on here have a dog as a pet?' and you'd responded. 'No, people only have pets on TV, not in real life.'

I would never post anything 'rude' in terms of implying anything about anyone who does/doesn't have friends, because I've been in that situation and can see (as other posts) it can feel like putting the boot in further. So my post was entirely neutral in that sense, but I don't see anything wrong in calling out utter nonsense.

If you'd said 'I think people are lead by TV and film into thinking everyone has a very close circle of friends that they spend a lot of time with, but that's probably not the case for everyone in real life,' that would have been fine. But you basically said groups of female friends are entirely fictitious, which is completely, demonstrably, untrue.
And to be honest, is quite insulting to people who do have close friendships, because it's suggesting they are not real and all involved are faking it and don't really like each other at all, but just spend time together out of - what? Insecurity? Obligation? Just using one another? Which is a really nasty thing to imply.

Just because some people don't have friends, doesn't mean nobody does and they are some Hollywood fiction made up by studio execs. Apart from anything else, if groups of friends were completely unheard of, then nobody would ever feel unusual or left out for not having them, because it would be the norm! Every lonely person is aware that other (real life!) people do seem to have close friends because that's what they are comparing themselves against.

I feel I shouldn't have to point this out but reading comprehension on MN is getting lower by the day - as a fellow introvert I am not saying that all people without friends are lonely - many people (like me) are very happy without lots of social interaction. But for those who do want/feel like they should have more friends it's because they are comparing themselves against others, not because they are making something up that doesn't exist

@Comedycook

In terms of female friendships I generally have no idea what other women are looking for in a friend.

I don’t think women are all looking for the same things in friendship though… I have different friends for different “needs” if that makes sense.

Some are great for long discussions and putting the world to rights, some are good fun on a night out, others are dependable, some I have shared interests with. It’s not a magic formula.

Its chemistry really at the heart of it. You either click with someone or you don’t. Not a million miles away from finding a romantic relationship but without the sex. If you found it easy to find a mate it shouldn’t be that hard to find a friend, surely?

I’m not minimising what you are saying but I can’t see why the two are so different.