To force my kids to do extracurricular activities?

[okilay]

I have 2 boys, 9 and 11. The 11 year old goes to football 3 times a week, totalling around 5 hours. The 9 year old just goes to a half hour weekly swimming lesson that's an argument every week. He tried football and enjoyed it when he was there but then refused to go. He's definitely not into football as much as his older brother. Learning to swim has been non-negotiable for either of them.

DS9 showed an interest in gymnastics, dance, drama, etc but when it came down to it just didn't want to go to classes.

The only thing they're interested in is screen time and gaming. I guess it's easier for them to do that than the effort of doing anything else.

I didn't really stick at anything when I was younger and don't do anything as an adult apart from work, I have ADHD and I suspect my kids do so I know how hard it is but I also know how much harder it will be if they don't try things now to see what ignites some interest and excitement in them that they might stick with.

I'm keen for them to try out Scouts due to the life skills and opportunities but I know they (especially the eldest) would not be happy about it. I think my youngest would grow to love it. My husband isn't really onboard because it's not seen as "cool" and thinks the kids would be picked on but he agrees it would let them experience lots of different things.

I suppose I'm asking for advice on "forcing" them to do different activities, should I get them to try a variety of things for x length of time? How have you got your children into different hobbies or dealt with their refusal?

Your DH is bats to think boys going to cubs or scouts would be bullied.

The older teens in Explorers or Junior Leaders may be seen as uncool, but a large proportion of the young boys around here are Cubs or Scouts - and the waiting lists are full.

Note - Scouts starts around 10.5 to 11 ish, your younger son would be a Cub.

My now adult dd says she wished I had forced her to do clubs x

It was seen as uncool when we were at school but that's not why I posted. I'm looking for advice on forcing my kids to try different hobbies.

Parent of an 11 yo with ADHD here. I can see where you're coming from, but forcing kids to do things they don't REALLY want to do isn't going to have any positive outcomes. If you wouldn't want to be made to go to, say, evening classes about something you're not fussed about, it just becomes a chore.

Extracurricular activities are great for ADHDers to run off some of the zoomies, but it HAS to be something they want to do. Motivation is a struggle at the best of times, let alone the commitment many of these activities demand.

What I've found helpful is just allowing time for "whatever". If my DD wants to play Roblox in that time, or run around the garden, or cycle to the shops, or practice an instrument or dance or drawing - it's entirely up to her, but there is time set aside for doing whatever takes her fancy at the time.

Same here! I was allowed to quit lots of things and as a teenager I had no hobbies, was unsporty and gained lots of weight. My parents didn’t care and I wished I was made to continue some of the sports or music.

My DD does a competive sport. She's good at it. And whinges she doesn't want to go. I've told her fine. But she needs to find something that she does a minimum of two sessions a week at instead. She is not just sitting on screens instead.

you're absolutely doing the right thing by pushing them.

I think YABU.

I hated guides but my parents made me keep going until I was 14. But on the plus side I can make a wash rack from sticks and string.

I didn't force mine. Gentle encouragement.

DS chased me down the hill when I left him with beavers on an outdoor session, he was crying and subsequently we realised he was on the spectrum.

DD never did anything other than school clubs.

You want to show the kids that extracurricular activities are important but don't do any. Could you lead by example?

I think you can push them to try things but to if they really don’t want to then that is it. Year 8 was the last year I pushed my son to try things, I accepted it was up to him after although obviously encourage. I have heard Scouts is excellent (I think the not cool idea is out of date) and they do amazing trips. We never did as DS had other things on them finally joined and Covid struck.

Unfortunately I don't think you can force them as it'll only create resentment as they get older. Have you shown them what actually happens at some of these groups? The anticipation and unknown could be what's hindering them. I was a Girlguiding leader and there are still some prejudices amongst the wider public. However I took a fencing qualification so would often bring the kit in for my girls, that was always a massive hit poking each other with plastic sticks. Some ladies qualified in camping, others in archery or kayaking. From the outside though it can appear that the girls just do crafts and typical girls things which is definitely not the case for all units. If your 9 year old was interested in drama for example see if there is a YouTube video of your local group performing or see if you can get tickets to one of their performances. Your lads might just need showing kind of thing.

I can see that "forcing" some kids to knuckle down to activities can be OK, in the sense that adults wish now that they had been forced at the time.

But I don't see it working very well for a kid with ADHD. It just creates frustration and resentment, and with ADHD you have enough of that already. I'd say pick your battles.

Not that it matters, but I never did anything except 1 year of Guides, and it's not bothered me in the slightest. I don't wish I had been forced to continue with piano, for example, what I wish is that I had had the motivation to continue with it.

I started much earlier- and I think at 9 you’re going to struggle. Sorry, I know that sounds defeatist!

I took the same view - swimming is non-negotiable. I also signed them up for Beavers at our church - at 6. Both then did Cubs and one hated Scouts but loved Boys brigade and did it until the troop closed when he was 14. The younger liked scouts and did it until the troop closed when he was 13.

They both also learned an instrument from 7 or 8 - DS16 is still having lessons but switched instrument at 12, which was fine.

My two also started a martial art and DS24 still does it occasionally and was in the univ club; DS16 still does it as well. So at 9, mine were doing 4 things, one at home (music) the other 3 elsewhere. I have an 8 year gap so wasn’t doing this with two at the same time.

Other things were tried and abandoned pretty quickly - school choir, drama club - but I did make them stick it out for a term if there was a show/concert involved and they’d committed.

What I would probably do is get tough with screen time. I’d offer them a choice of club/activity on one evening in addition to swimming, or they could do a hobby at home - art, cooking etc . No phones or screens during that time. So it’s activity or hobby or - boredom probably. Reading would be good, obviously- but I’d ban the TV and remove their phones. I’d start with one evening for 90 minutes. A hobby at home would be fine - they’re on the screens too much.

I have ADHD and was forced to do every extra curricular I ever expressed an interest in to the bitter end, to the point I started to hide any interests for fear I'd be allowed to try but never stop!

As an adult I've been able to give up the idea of "sticking at" things. It's not actually a requirement of real life. I now happily pick up a hobby, obsess about it, buy all the stuff, learn everything I can and then...lose interest and move on to the next thing.

I've got rid of all guilt and sense of failure, I am a person who has tried a 1000 hobbies, I have a lot of random knowledge and enjoy my life :)

Take out the guilt and commitment and let "trying out" be ok.

I wouldn't force them - for every adult who wishes their parent had forced them there will be one who wishes they hadn't.
I would encourage them to try different things though, sports, music, drama, art, Scouts, orienteering, cycling....

There is a guy on Instagram - @grownowadhd who talks about this a lot. Go take a look at his content. He says if kids don't have at least 5 things they could note down that they like to do outside of screens then why aren't you as a parent removing the screens. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear. I'm going through similar with one of my kids and actually I'm really glad to read all his content as it's making me address certain things in a really positive way.

I remember being a tween/teen and being bored out of my brain at home and that's the reason I got out the home and that's what forced me to do stuff, reach out to friends, go in a hike with my dad etc. We had no sky tv, 5 channels to choose from, only Mario kart to play, I think my brother played Tetris on the game boy. But it got us out the house.

He talks a lot about how gentle parenting can be detrimental and that particularly kids with adhd do need to be forced, as they will never choose to do what he calls non-preferred or difficult tasks. He's given me the confidence to be more forceful with my child for her own good, and actually it's working. She is doing more, accepting it and actually seems happier as a result. We have massively reduced screens.

YANBU

My kids didn't want to do Ny activities at all outside of school.

I'm anxious and ADHD too so didn't push.

Then they lived through Covid and that cemented it too

Now I have 3 older teens/young adults with no social skills at all, very few friends who spend their whole lives online.

If I had my time again I would make them go to every club going.

Unless you limit screen time, that is always going to win.
If screens are not an option then it becomes a real choice between doing homework, chores, staring at the wall or something else.
If, for example you have no screens on school nights, what are they going to do? Suddenly football might be a valid alternative to helping you wash laundry.

It’s early to be thinking about but if they apply for uni they’ll need something on the UCAS form other than gaming! If it’s an expensive/paid up front hobby, I would probably insist on doing it for at least a school term and then maybe ask for a contribution to other activities going forward - doesn’t need to be money, but it could be doing chores to “earn” a contribution, just so they know that they can’t pick up and drop stuff whenever they please because there’s effort and potentially financial contribution from you.

Oh yes - I should have included that in my post.

OP, make it a choice of club/hobby/chores. Hopefully they’ll opt for the club.

My DS has ADHD and there is no way I could have forced him to do any classes. Left to his own devices, he eventually chose some (drama/guitar) but I suspect the more you push it, the harder he will refuse.

I know it’s difficult, but try leaning back and acting like it’s nbd, and you know he will let you know if and when there’s something he wants to do.

In my experience that will yield better results.

That wouldn’t work with other DC though. Mine would have gamed all week long if I let them.

I didn’t really force mine - I encouraged and they gave it a try and kept going. DS1 had a wobble with the martial art at about 14 when his mate stopped going, but I persuaded him to stick at it and he’s glad he did.

Hopefully limiting screens and suggesting options to do instead will work for OP!

I know it’s difficult if they are already used to lots of screen time and/or gaming, but maybe the answer is to limit that and then allow them to choose what they want to fill the additional time with? They may choose scouts or gymnastics or martial arts etc when they don’t have screen time/gaming as an alternative. Or they might decide they want to stay in and do art or reading. I don’t think it matters much what they choose, but while the other choice is screen time which is easier and can fill all their time, they are not going to develop other interests.

Where I am. The oldest teens who stay in Scouts are seen as cool as they usually have a military career in mind

Also gymnastics builds up the skills required for rock climbing. It’s one of the reasons why boys do it.