To force my kids to do extracurricular activities?

[okilay]

I have 2 boys, 9 and 11. The 11 year old goes to football 3 times a week, totalling around 5 hours. The 9 year old just goes to a half hour weekly swimming lesson that's an argument every week. He tried football and enjoyed it when he was there but then refused to go. He's definitely not into football as much as his older brother. Learning to swim has been non-negotiable for either of them.

DS9 showed an interest in gymnastics, dance, drama, etc but when it came down to it just didn't want to go to classes.

The only thing they're interested in is screen time and gaming. I guess it's easier for them to do that than the effort of doing anything else.

I didn't really stick at anything when I was younger and don't do anything as an adult apart from work, I have ADHD and I suspect my kids do so I know how hard it is but I also know how much harder it will be if they don't try things now to see what ignites some interest and excitement in them that they might stick with.

I'm keen for them to try out Scouts due to the life skills and opportunities but I know they (especially the eldest) would not be happy about it. I think my youngest would grow to love it. My husband isn't really onboard because it's not seen as "cool" and thinks the kids would be picked on but he agrees it would let them experience lots of different things.

I suppose I'm asking for advice on "forcing" them to do different activities, should I get them to try a variety of things for x length of time? How have you got your children into different hobbies or dealt with their refusal?

Not all kids like competitive team games and I think forcing them to do an activity is never going to end well. There are lots of other options though, parkruns, martial arts, tennis, hiking, golf, cycling etc I would give gentle encouragement to try out new things and limit screen time. If you and DH model a healthy attitude to fitness and health that will rub off on them!

I think its a shame to see it as screen time or clubs. Do they have enough time for free play? Just spending hours after with friends and parks etc? It's thr thing so many modern kids don't seem to get

I think if they learn that there is much less screen time available ...and that either they entertain themselves or go to activities or see friends....then they may well choose activities

But sadly ...kids often know that they can just choose gaming on the sofa rather than the social effort of starting and sustaining new activities like scouts

School is so sedentary. I think parents don't realise how little play and movement there is during the day. All children but especially with adhd....need that time for hours of movement. It doesn't have to be organised clubs....but i know particularly in winter my very high energy son was miserable if he just went from school to screen

I agree with this. I was forced to do all manner of clubs and extra activities and I never really enjoyed any of them. But then there wasn't the same issue of screen time as they was then.

At 9 and 11, what I preferred to do was be at my friends house, or have friends to mine or be playing outside. I have no idea of your circumstances but is there any opportunity for socialising that isn't in structured environments like clubs or school. I think the opportunity to socialise outwith these environments and in a free way is a critical part of development and seems a shame as a society we're moving away from this but I realise that it isn't a black and white issue.

Definitely try and find out what his interests and passions are. Give him lots of opportunities if at all possible. Maybe do some trial classes, a lot of places do that.
My DS now 18 and DD 16 (who has ADHD) were lucky as it was obvious what they were into early on. DS was always sport, rugby then football, and DD was total opposite, loved singing dancing acting. Loads of performing arts will do trial sessions and I'm sure sports clubs too. With ADHD your son will probably have things he's super focused on and a lot he has no interest in. Finding his super interests is key. Good luck 🤞🏼

They may regret it now, but in the future, they will use what they have gained from these activities that you have put them into. My best years were when my mum was there for me in girl scouts.

I have a super sporty football player age 10 that commits to around 4 hours of football a week and a slightly older one who is the polar opposite.
He’s tried football, martial arts, youth clubs etc but doesn’t like to stick at any of them. He is into gaming massively and not much else.
Like you swimming was non negotiable but it was a battle every week to get the older one there. In the end we negotiated that he had to reach and certain level and then not go anymore.
Ive given up to some extent trying to get him to go to other things, he does have art/cookery interests which we try and send him to classes to and if he does show an interest in something we are always super enthusiastic and encouraging and look for extra things he can do it that area.
i remember as a kid being forced to do stuff and hated it so that may influence my parenting slightly

I don't regret many things from the early days of my parenting but one thing I do regret is forcing my children to do things they did not want to do.

I made my kids (one ND) do a musical instrument and a sport each. I said I didn’t care what they chose but once they signed up they were in it for the term. The actual activity didn’t matter but doing it was non negotiable. We are NOT a sporty family but I was a fat unhealthy child and I didn’t want that for them. They are teenagers now and still in their sport and playing their instruments quite happily.

They have a same screen addiction as many teens but at least they have other interests and they are fit and healthy.

I'm a Scout leader... boys who don't want to be there, but are forced by their parents can make it really difficult. (Messing around, not listening, disrupting evenings etc). But a lot of boys do enjoy it, especially the outdoor stuff. Then there are others who aren't outdoorsy, but their parents think its good for them... and they do gain confidence.

The key is finding put what they enjoy. Can you put the youngest into a different trial class each week? So cubs, gymnastics, dance, etc... it gets him out doing something and just see which one he likes most. I would also let him flip activity each term after that.

I love free play with the old fashioned way of allowing children to play outside climbing trees and spending time with friends.

I just watched a video a while ago about Play Club and encouraging schools to open an hour early so kids play in a safe environment. So simple but effective. It's a big hit in American schools. Hopefully we adopt it here.

The trick is to start earlier.

Mine are younger. 5 & 8.

Elder does:
1 team sport (this i think won't last, as not that great at it and won't make teams etc)
1 other sport (this will, we do it as a family)
2 x musical instrument lessons
Swimming

Younger does:
Same other sport as above
1 x musical instrument
2 x dance classes
Swimming

If you start early enough by age 9 or 10 they acquire enough skill to be willing to stick at it

My son is 12 and has ADHD, so I know where you are coming from. He was so good at golf when he was younger, but he just wouldn’t show up. He’s not sporty, but this was something that helped with focus and attention and, he was really good. It became a real struggle, because he didn’t want to go.

we tried cricket, he was so laissez faire, he was late and made very little progress, if any.

we did swimming lessons and he was competent, but he made excuses every single week. It was always, ‘I feel sick, I have a fever…’

he is now doing weekly tennis and is due to give that up, too.

1. unless he wants to do something, there’s little point in pushing it. Not much good comes out of it. It’s just a lot of stress each week.

2. what I’ve said, is that he doesn’t have to be an Olympic level sports person - that’s not what this is about. If he wants to be a scientist, that’s great. It’s great to have a passion. We just want him to be a healthy scientist and so, he must look after his heart and health and therefore, he has to choose some sort of physical activity that he will turn up for, every week.

Ds has asd and adhd, although was diagnosed later.

When he was about 8yo he was very ill, and stopped doing all his activities, not that he did many.
When he was recovering he didn't want to do anything outside home. I persevered with cubs for a term, but he was really too tired to keep up with them, and had lost a lot of confidence.

So the following year, I gave him a list of about 20 different activities and said he had to choose one, and he could drop it after a term, but then would have to take something else up.
He had to do at least one activity.

He moaned.
He chose drama on the basis it was only an hour and close so he'd be out of the house for the minimum time.

He complained about it every week. At the end of term I asked if he wanted to swap and he said no because the others were worse.
Halfway through the second term, he came out and asked if he could do a second class. You could honestly have knocked me down with a feather.
The following year he wanted to take up another class. At one point he was doing 15 hours a week of different things with the same group.

We're now nearly 10 years down the line. He still does 4 hours a week. He's just been in to ask if drama starts next week and moaned because it doesn't. He sulks the week it finishes for the holidays.
I only wish he was as keen on school!

Scouts is great but you may be a bit late as often you have to get them into beavers and then move on to cubs and scouts. Also they have to want to be there, by 9 the cubs are expected to take responsibility and join in, follow instructions and help the younger ones. By scouts it's even more, it's not just a youth club to muck about. To be fair gaming isn't a bad past time, it's fun and a way to socialise so I wouldn't force it, as kids become teenagers they outgrow most clubs. Some parents are really into clubs and scheduling free time but that's not always positive, just see what works for your kids

I wouldn't force them to do anything but it might be easier for them to do after school clubs if school offers anything? Mine learns a musical instrument once a week through school and also does swimming as it was non negotiable for me too.

I don't think it's right to force children to do any extra curricular activities, sports, or hobbies if they don't want to. It will just make them hate whatever you're trying to make them do even more. I can always remember being forced to go to tennis weeks with intensive coaching during the summer and Easter holidays when I first started secondary school. I loathed them with a passion but my parents insisted I had to go. I finally managed to get myself banned but it took a lot of effort and left me with a lifelong hatred of tennis.

I was forced do to Judo from 11-16. I hated it. My sister thrived, and went on to compete at a national level.
I spent most sessions hiding in the loo. I was berated by my parents for being shit at it.
I was a young teen, and had males older than me holding me down on the floor. That made me very uncomfortable, and I still feel sick now when I think about it. Some of the more twatty male teens used to pretend to hump me and make noises.

My two (11&13) are both ND to differing degrees.
I keep them busy with extra curriculars, but they do have a say in what they do, and I tend to sway towards activities that suit them anyway (non competitive, participation based)

DS1 is not sociable and would only have screen time, warhammer and lego out of school. He has zero interest in casual socialising and not met a friend outside school in 2 years. Putting up with some extra-curricular time each week is a price worth paying for me sweating the screen time less and to be fair, a lot of what he does is pretty intelligent content. He's too dyslexic to enjoy reading for pleasure.

DS2 is more sporty and keen, but his friends are out of catchment and not easy to meet with so a lack of casual socalising. Again too dyslexic to read for fun- it gives him migraines. He stopped playing in lockdown, broken by lack of social stimulation at age 7 and hasn't really played since.

I gained a huge amount out of extra curriculars as a teenager and they've fed into things I do as an adult and influenced the direction of my adult life.

When my DC we're young - I agreed to screens as long as they did extra curricular activities

It is not healthy for them to sit all day playing games or watching TV.

One of my hugest regrets in life is that because of money my elder two didn’t do extracurricular activities- I think we did a major disservice to them socially and in terms of exercise, fun etc. Although the people who don’t push kids to do extracurriculars etc might just have kids who aren’t like my kids are/ gravitating to screens, not sociable etc. I think the big thing is finding their thing as opposed to what people think their age should do (all of mine hated football by the age of 11, the pressure, the shouting etc, they just wanted a kick about).

To be honest op, from this description, your kids sound fine. More than fine, in fact.

Doing well at school, helpful at home, readers (an amazing thing to have a love for) enjoying family time.

Not all kids need to be scheduled to the hilt with activities. Definitely encourage them, do as much as you can as a family to get things started if that would help, but I don't think you need to be "forcing" them to do things.

I had a conversation with another school mum at a children's party recently, a couple of us were talking about when the booking opens for some of the sports clubs run at school by a private provider. She said oh Timmy doesn't like to be out so I just let him play on his switch. He's five. DS doesn't game he's too young and he has done swimming lessons from 12 weeks. He had just started level 5 and his teacher has said he can start diving as soon as he's (age) six. He sees extra curricular as an ordinary part of life, he does a team sport, athletics, gymnastics and swimming, he's signed up for cooking club first term and lego 'engineers' second this year. When he's a bit older he will start an instrument. He also sees DH and I go to the gym and be involved in other hobbies and we're usually out and doing together as a family at weekends. Being someone active and engaged is modelled by parents from a young age. It's nonsense negotiable to me. He has a say in what he does but there isn't a choice to do nothing.

DS1 (11) has ADHD and school (plus meds) exhausts him. After school is purely for downtime. He does a couple of music activities but nothing else. DS2 does a few things and could probably do more.

I was over scheduled as a child and I actively shun organised activities as an adult. I need a lot of downtime to recharge (busy job).