To be embarrassed about my house?

[Thedownsideisup]

DH and I have bought a house in a location we really love. We decided to buy a much less expensive house than we could afford in order to be mortgage free so we can spend our money on other things such as nice holidays and so that we can (in time) retire early. Our children are grown and the house while small (850 ft plus garage) is enough for our needs.

My friends mostly work in the same industry as I do and have big fancy expensive houses. I've noticed a few comments indicating they feel sorry for us because of our house - nothing unkind but just a few things out such as it's a shame we won't be able to have big parties anymore like we did in our old house - comments like that.

I am also certain that a lot of the embarrassment I feel is self-generated rather than coming from anyone else. And there's a fair bit of buyer's remorse mixed in which I always get when we buy a house.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it socially acceptable to tell people we could have bought a much more expensive house but chose to instead buy a cheaper one with no mortgage that suits our needs? What do I say when the comments feeling sorry for us come?

Your friends are exceptionally rude. I am sure they envy your financial freedom. Just focus on making your house a home.

Box standard response to throw out …. Yeah, no large parties but think of the holidays now we’re mortgage free

Probably you are just struggling with the transition a bit. From your post it sounds like you had a much bigger house and have made this decision so are probably struggling with a slight change of identity/how others perceive you. You obviously made a well thought out decision so give it time to settle. I’ve moved into a bigger house (4 kids) that needs everything doing. Everything is so expensive and I miss my little cottage so much. Could you make sure everything is nicely decorated/just as you want it so it feels small but perfect. I can’t wait til my kids grow up and I can have a small house again!

Your friends can shove their pity up their arse.

If you are happy with your life, your financial freedom and you love your house, don’t spend any headspace worrying that you can’t entertain these snobs in your house

"Ah, tiny house bliss. You can put a price on square footage, you can put a price on a new kitchen. But you can't put a price on financial freedom. "

Coupled with a picture of you with a cocktail on a lounger, browsing holiday brochures.

"It's a shame you won't be able to have big parties anymore"

"We wouldn't have time now with all the travelling/laying on a beach sipping cocktails we'll be doing."

Bet your house is lovely and lots of us would love to have it! Use some of your upcoming mortgage free freedom to meet nicer people.

Is it socially acceptable to tell people we could have bought a much more expensive house but chose to instead buy a cheaper one with no mortgage that suits our needs?

You shouldn't need to explain anything to anyone. If anything, it will just sound like you agree with them and are making excuses for your house.

What do I say when the comments feeling sorry for us come?
Change the subject. Or question them about their comment. "Why do you think we can't have big parties?"

My grandparents had a small flat and they regularly hosted 30+ people in their 170sq ft living room by taking off doors and putting them on chairs to extend the dining table. Guests came with their own seating. We did the same in our first flat with our friends bringing a set of foldable garden chairs to sit on. People come to see you, surely, not your house. If they don't, it's not really worth hosting them anyway.

It's probably mostly self sabotaging. I wouldn't feel embarrassed in the slightest with financial freedom and spending my time travelling and doing things I wouldnt have been able to before. Just don't compare yourself.

Sounds like you made a great choice and they are the jealous ones.

Don’t over think it. Half the time people, especially in offices, just say anything that comes into their heads to make conversation, it’s ‘small talk’. They probably wouldn’t be able to remember saying it ten minutes later.

If it upsets you ( why should it) just shrug and say ‘oh we really like it’. The boastful ‘no mortgage ‘ suggestions are an over reaction IMHO, no one needs to know about your financial situation. In three weeks time it will be ‘I like your shirt/ new glasses / have you seen Nane’s pics of her puppy?’

Maybe they just really loved your parties?

Someone else can throw the parties for a change, you bought the house you wanted, you didn't buy it to suit anyone else's needs.

I love my little house, smaller mortgage (which is nearly paid off) smaller rooms to clean, less space to clutter.

we have spare cash at the end of each month to allow us to go on holidays, treat ourselves, weekends away, nights out whereas if we stretched ourselves on buying a bigger house these little luxuries wouldn’t happen.

life is for living, as long as your house is full of love, that’s all that matter, not the size of it.

You can live a bigger life from a smaller house OP. It sounds like you've really hit the jackpot. Plan your next holiday and a small gathering of good people who aren't idiots!

Don't bang on about no mortgage in response, it's equally gauche. Just be gracious 'it's perfect!'. Your friends are being rude. You can hire a restaurant or the cricket club if you want great numbers in. You've made a fantastic choice and are adjusting to the changes.

Just shrug and say sure it suits us down to the ground. And leave it at that.

I would love to be in your position . Still have the big house but I am tired of hosting visitors, party house . My answer to your friend would be Been there done that , freedom now .

I'd say people who make sucj rude comments are not friends!

They're feeling threatened because you've opted out of the "bigger house best stuff better person most successful" race.

Without stuff how will they ever know where to put you on the social status leader board.

I feel the same about our house so I know what you mean.

We've been there 20 years now, and were mortgage free by 40. We've done far more travelling than our friends and never had to worry about money (DH has just retired at 55) but I've still always felt "left behind" in some weird way, as they've all moved on to bigger, fancier houses in the country! I wouldn't want to live in the country tbh, I like having facilities within walking distance but I can't deny I wish we had a slightly bigger house!

There's only been a couple of friends who've commented - not in a nasty way, just "oh, I'm surprised you haven't moved house before now".

Pride can be poison. Its a shame you care so much about what people think rather than your own fortuitous circumstances. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I personally wouldn't choose to be friends that would judge your mortgage free house so much they comment on it. That said, you will be surprised at what a hugely positive impact it makes on your emotional well being, to only allow people in your life that bring positivity, love and light.

When i became mortgage free i told five friends. 3 of them were over the moon, were proud of me and were thankful that as a family we were now safe from housing hell. 2 of them couldn't bring themselves to even smile. They are not friends anymore, and i was thankful i had the chance to see exactly who they were. These people are also giving you that chance. You can choose to ignore it and allow them to make you feel like that, or you can grey rock them until they go away and leave you to enjoy your home thats all yours :)

I agree with this.

I can't see the point in putting all your cash in to a large house (unless you have several millions lying around).

I decided to have a small house so that I could have a smaller mortgage.

The OP has done the right thing.

Just smile and say that the house you've chosen is perfect for the lifestyle you want. There should be no need to get deep into sharing your financial situation with nosy colleagues or random commenters.

We downsized a lot so that we could dump the mortgage when we relocated some years ago. It did give us choices that we wouldn't have had if we'd had an expensive property and it's allowed us to retire early.

It sounds like you have your priorities right. Maybe your friends are envious of your decision and financial freedom.

Just brush any comments off with “now the children are grown up it made sense to downsize” or similar. Lots of people do the same thing. I’m quite surprised people are commenting!