To be embarrassed about my house?

[Thedownsideisup]

DH and I have bought a house in a location we really love. We decided to buy a much less expensive house than we could afford in order to be mortgage free so we can spend our money on other things such as nice holidays and so that we can (in time) retire early. Our children are grown and the house while small (850 ft plus garage) is enough for our needs.

My friends mostly work in the same industry as I do and have big fancy expensive houses. I've noticed a few comments indicating they feel sorry for us because of our house - nothing unkind but just a few things out such as it's a shame we won't be able to have big parties anymore like we did in our old house - comments like that.

I am also certain that a lot of the embarrassment I feel is self-generated rather than coming from anyone else. And there's a fair bit of buyer's remorse mixed in which I always get when we buy a house.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it socially acceptable to tell people we could have bought a much more expensive house but chose to instead buy a cheaper one with no mortgage that suits our needs? What do I say when the comments feeling sorry for us come?

Your friends are scared. Scared that they are more entrenched in the rat race than is comfortable maybe, or scared that you've exposed their meaningless measurements of self worth (square footage and garden space doth not maketh the woman..).

The happiest and most productive people I know:

1. live in a static caravan while their modest house shell is being rebuilt. All very slow and organic without a care for how people may judge it.
2. living semi off grid in a remote and small tumble down cottage with billions of animals, pottering and doing as they please.
3. living in a small terrace so they can save for retirement, and gonto nice places now, rather than pay the bank extra to eventually own more bricks.

With respect, look at what you've both achieved. Security, in a currently very insecure world. I don't understand why the inwards-facing and rude comments of others could possibly diminish that.

Excellent 😂

Everyone is focusing on the comments from other people (which are obviously rude and unnecessary) but I think the more interesting point is this one;

I am also certain that a lot of the embarrassment I feel is self-generated rather than coming from anyone else. And there's a fair bit of buyer's remorse mixed in which I always get when we buy a house.

I suspect the comments are less critical than you imagine because YOU are grappling with the decision you have made. Often people want their 'things' to reflect who they think they are as a person.Do you feel like your house makes you feel less successful? It sounds like your logical brain knows a small house was a good idea but your illogical ego feels a bit bruised. It's an interesting thing to work through.

Yes, I think this is key.

I think the late Queen’s mother had a good attitude
“never complain, never explain”

I’d say nothing and let these rude “friends” wonder. You don’t need to validate your decisions with their approval or even their comprehension.

I’m reminded of the saying of my Lord Jesus
“Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”
Luke 12:15

Op all the things you say you want to do, the travel etc, are you doing that? I think if you go mortgage free and actually do the good stuff then you’d have less buyers remorse, but if you ve just continued on, then you’ve not really benefited .

Loads of people downsize as their children leave home

If friends are just saying "Wasn't it fun when all 20 of us could fit around your huge table in the old house? I'll miss doing that", that's not necessarily rude

If they're saying "oh poor you in your little house" that's rude

Own your choices. You know that you could have stayed in the big house if you'd wanted to, but you chose to move. And that's fine

It's your choice which I presume you are basically happy with so just tell it as it is. Pobably quite a bit of envy out there too for the sensible situation you've got yourselves into. Enjoy it. Life is not promised.

Are you happy? If so, that really is all that matters. It’s your life, nobody else’s. When people genuinely stop giving a shit about what others think of their own life choices, they realise they are much happier. It makes absolutely not a jot of difference what anyone else thinks about what you choose to do with YOUR life 😃. You’ve a roof over your head, and you’ll be enjoying your nice holidays while they are still paying off their house!

I don’t think the issue is your friends… I think it’s your mindset. You don’t sound too bought into the smaller house situation. Once you make peace with your decision you will realise these comments don’t actually matter. And you’ll be quicker at putting people in their place when the comments do come.

I’m intrigued by a couple of my acquaintance who live in a tiny two up two down (with two teenagers) while obviously being fairly well off. They often play the “poor but happy” card but there are impressive holidays (several weeks at a time, kids taken out of school), both adults work very part time, and they all have fabulous creative hobbies.
They seem very happy and I think it’s a recipe for a pretty good life.

I don’t think the friends are saying anything rude to th4 op. It’s fine for someone who has downsized to say they miss their big house, it hurt the op as the house they downsized to is better than hers. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed to say it,

and she wants to tell people she could have afforded better, which is as crass as it gets, but tells us this is about her own feelings on her new home, and she wants to keep up appearances and doesn’t want people to think this is all she can afford. She’s also envious of others homes that are bigger than hers.

as a pp said, if you do it and live the lifestyle, fabulous holidays several weeks a year, fantastic meals out, weekends away. Then it’s obvious why you’ve done it. If you’ve done it and you continue to live the same way and are pretty miserable then not so much,

go book your fabulous holiday op, have some posh meals out, that part of why you did it, so go and enjoy yourself.

What place? How do you put someone in their place who has downsized and says they miss their big hose, without looking like an utter idiot. How do you put someone in their place who says ooh shame you can’t have your big parties we will miss that, and means it. It’s hardly cunty behaviour.

"It's a shame you won't be able to have big parties anymore."

I'm sure we can still squeeze everyone in. But if it's too claustrophobic for you in our teeny tiny itsy bitsy hovel, we won't trouble you with an invite. 😏

What you have or don’t have is none of anyone else’s business. In our friendship group we have the smaller home and are more modern estate located than many of our friends. We also have the smallest in our cul de sac on our development. We did it because there is only us and SS13. This allows us to have a smaller mortgage, less to clean (who wants more to clean), puts us somewhere where transport is easy and frees up funds for nice cars, holidays, etc. because having watched my dad pass too early in life at a time when he’d worked so damned hard to make a better life for everyone, but missed out on enjoying any of it himself, I refuse to sit around filling coffers rather than getting out and enjoying my life. So, how you spend and what you have are irrelevant to everyone else because you build the life you want. Anyone who judges needs to get more going on in their life so they have less time to worry about what others are doing!

She’s said repeatedly she doesn’t think they are making digs or judging the issue is hers. You seem to be projecting due to your feelings on you own situaruin

Congratulations! I've not seen this method of telling Mumsnet that you live mortgage free used before

Very creative, I give this humble brag a 7/10.

Maybe they're jealous because they recognise the astute financial decision you have made puts you at an enviable financial advantage, or they genuinely believe having a big, expensive house feels superior. Just remind yourself of your initial reasoning, make you little house beautiful, and enjoy your nice holidays and eventual comfortable retirement. It's what my husband and I are planning too.

Not taking the bait, but nice try 👌🏻

We absolutely live in the smallest house of our friendship group. (We live abroad)

I hated it at first, seeing everyone else's big spacious villas🤔
Gradually we are making our little house our own, new bathrooms, kitchen etc etc. it's a labour of love but it it keeps us occupied and busy while enjoying our early retirement.

In the four/five years we have lived here at least 5 couples have sold their big places and downsized. It seems big places are a pain to keep clean, expensive to heat in the winter and even more expensive to keep cool in the summer! They feel empty when the visitors leave and just two of you are left rattling about.

We were lucky enough to be able to keep our home in the UK (which we rent out) so I learnt we are financially in a much more privileged position than many of our friends. Most of who sold their UK properties to move here.

It took me a while but I realised I was the only one actually judging our little house.....we have visitors staying most months, our friends are always very complimentary of our hard work.
Yes our house is small, but is becoming perfectly formed for us and our needs, our house is warm in the winter and cool in the summer because we're not struggling to pay energy bills, our pool is smaller than some but it keeps us as fit and refreshed as friend's larger ones and our big garden is perfect for outside entertaining and nobody cares if there's a permanent skip while we try and tame the overgrown jungle we now own.....

I bet you are the only one who is worried about your small house. Enjoy your financial freedom and make your small house perfect for you and yours!

Is it possible they just really enjoyed your parties?!

Its amazing how many people can fit into a smaller house for a party - may require a little more thought but certainly does work

An old boss once said to me “ don’t put all your money in bricks and mortar”

this phrase is priceless. Too many people are mortgaged to the hilt nowadays with no free cash to actually live. All in the name of keeping up with the jones’.

we are in a similar situation to yourself but we didn’t actually move. We bought a house 16 years ago where we needed to buy a house with only his name on the mortgage ( I came from a dv background and couldn’t get my ex off my mortgage at the time). The plan was to buy where we were and move later. We bought a ok size 3 bed semi.

roll on 16 years later, hubbys income has more than tripled and many people have questioned why we haven’t moved, why we don’t live to our means. We have done everything possible to our current house and garden and we love it here. We have 3-4 holidays a year and will be mortgage free by 49. All because we never upped our outgoings as our incoming grew. Just because you can afford to pay a bigger mortgage doesn’t mean you should. Life is for living not paying bills and memories are priceless.

What a load of bollox