To be embarrassed about my house?

[Thedownsideisup]

DH and I have bought a house in a location we really love. We decided to buy a much less expensive house than we could afford in order to be mortgage free so we can spend our money on other things such as nice holidays and so that we can (in time) retire early. Our children are grown and the house while small (850 ft plus garage) is enough for our needs.

My friends mostly work in the same industry as I do and have big fancy expensive houses. I've noticed a few comments indicating they feel sorry for us because of our house - nothing unkind but just a few things out such as it's a shame we won't be able to have big parties anymore like we did in our old house - comments like that.

I am also certain that a lot of the embarrassment I feel is self-generated rather than coming from anyone else. And there's a fair bit of buyer's remorse mixed in which I always get when we buy a house.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it socially acceptable to tell people we could have bought a much more expensive house but chose to instead buy a cheaper one with no mortgage that suits our needs? What do I say when the comments feeling sorry for us come?

There is no reason to be embarrassed and as others have said, you don't owe an explanation to anyone. There are plenty of valid reasons for downsizing - simplifying your life, avoiding conspicuous consumption, financial security, reduced cleaning and maintenance. I'd just pick a standard response, and use it every time. I'd probably go for something along the lines of: "different people prioritise different things" and leave it at that.

Talk to your friends about how much you are saving in utility costs, council tax,maintenance , being mortgage free - or nearly so. Say how much easier it is to keep on top of cleaning and home organisation, say how relieved you are to have potentially removed the burden of sorting and clearing out your stuff from your children in the future because it has mostly been done. Say how much you regret not doing it much sooner and how you are pleased you did it now while you can enjoy the benefits and don’t feel that you have been pressured into downsizing through illness or incapacity, and how sorry ou feel for people who are so emotionally attached to the bricks and mortar that they can’t even consider the benefits of downsizing.

Or simply smile and nod, and wait for the penny to drop in a few years time!

Your friends are the problem, not your house.

I'm embarrassed about my house - not because of the size, it's just an average 3-bed semi - but because it needs lots of work doing and we're both shit at DIY and the living room looks like some shitty student house at the moment. However, my friends are not the ones fuelling that embarrassment. If anything they're the ones reassuring me that I'm stressing over nothing!

Saying ‘shame you can’t have those big parties anymore’ is not rude as such, it’s a fact and if anything a compliment, meaning your parties were great. What you have done is a bold move and something I wouldn’t choose to do, in my view, space and a nice home trumps everything, so your friends might just be genuinely shocked. But don’t be embarrassed, you kind of need to own it and embrace the fact you’ve done it differently to anyone in your social circle.

Like others have said I’d just be honest ‘oh we could have bought a bigger house, but our aim is to be mortgage free and live the high life. They’ll all admire you for your honestly.

We live in a two bed flat. It suits our needs, I mean you can't be in more than one room at a time so why pay for more space than you use. Couldn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

My DH and I feel the much the same. We have always bought smaller houses and average cars rather than the bigger, fancier stuff we COULD have had. Instead we have been able to go on lovely holidays with the kids every year, treat them at Christmas, buy what we wanted, when we wanted, go on nice Hotel weekend breaks and save. Now we have money in the bank to help our youngest daughter who is off to uni next month. Something I doubt we could have done had we wanted to 'keep up with the Jones's' and follow suit with our friends who all had big 4 bed detached houses and expensive cars. We have always been quite happy with our lot. Just because we have a smaller house, doesn't mean it isn't a nice house. In fact our house is lovely and most of our friends actually love it.
We have the house on the market now and are looking to go from a 3 bed to a 2 bed as our eldest daughter has moved home and we only need an extra bedroom now for our youngest when she is home from uni. We much prefer a simple life, not being tied to cleaning and gardening on our weekends and have money in the bank. But that is just us. Don't be ashamed of your life choices. You have done what is right for you!

I own a small flat because I wanted to be mortgage free, have money in the bank and be able to travel and treat myself. I live in a ‘nice’ area but we are around the corner from the £1m+ homes. The financial security that comes with not stretching yourself each month is worth it for me.

I’ve no idea what my friends or work colleagues think of my home. They know some of the holidays we go on and we enjoy nice meals out so they know we’re not struggling.

More politely put than I could have done.

Being mortgage free is a lovely privilege and I am glad I now have it.

We've always lived in a small house . Low mortgage and then mortgage free way before contemporaries with larger houses or those who constantly updated their decor or bought new cars .

I always felt sorry for them tied to their large mortgages when we had financial freedom, holidays abroad and meals out .

Choosing to downsize to a small house is very different to not being able to afford something bigger if you needed/wanted to, especially when it leaves you better off.

I always felt uncomfortable about my small 3 bed semi that I couldn't afford nice things for because I live in an area with lots of big expensive houses and people with with decent earnings. All my children seemed to choose friends with big, expensive houses and parents that seemed to have big incomes which meant primary play dates could leave me feeling uncomfortable and poor (which I am but the reminders weren't great!).

However, my children are growing up and once a couple of them move out it won't feel small any more. It will probably feel about right and I have always appreciated the security of the council house tenancy.

That was my reaction as well!!

I can’t imagine saying anything negative - or what most folks would perceive as negative - at all about someone else’s house - it’s just plain rude!!

Your friends are rude. We are also retired and bought a bungalow for cash that is much smaller than we could afford. Our friends have not said anything. The only thing we have said is that we wanted less house and garden to care for.

I would tell my friends that the size of your house was determined by choice, not available funds and then refuse to discuss further.

Your Friends are extremely rude and I would shut comments about your house situation straight down by saying "
It works for us"
They don't know your financial situation and nor should they
If I was in your situation I would do exactly the same.
Life is about balance, and you have the right priorities( My DS's plans are the same, although much younger)
They'll end up the embarrassed ones when you send photos of your lovely holidays
Do NOT feel embarrassed about your home

Thanks very much - I'm finding it so helpful reading your responses. I don’t think my friends are rude though as the comments aren’t digs. Another comment for example was from a friend who had also downsized but to a larger, posher house than ours saying how much she missed her big house. Not intended to hurt my feelings but it did a bit.

I'm pretty sure this is coming from my own insecurities and I really need to get over it. I know we made the right decision for us for sure.

I’d see them saying they felt sorry for you as being quite rude personally but you know your friends better.

The friend saying she missed her bigger house I think you’re being sensitive about, that’s not a comment on your situation, yes I think that’s more about your insecurities than anything else.

Have people actually said they feel sorry for you?

No, the type of comments I mentioned are the ones I felt indicate they feel sorry for us but as I say, I could be reading into things to much and probably am!

yup me too.

I would just say “being mortgage free outweighs the occasional party for us”. Congrats on making the right financial decision for you! These remarks from friends won’t last long, and you’ll be much better off long term! I suspect they’re a bit jealous, or just really loved your previous house! (Edited to correct a typo - haven’t had a coffee yet!!)

do they throw parties too? If not could it be that they are going to miss attending the ones that you throw? In which case you could tell them it’s their turn now?

I can understand how awkward these conversations can be, it’s a bit inappropriate for them to say really if the reason isn’t the above. I wouldn’t suggest you explain yourself at all. Just smile and nod, hopefully they’ll get the hint that you’re a bit bored of it.

Instead spend your energy looking through some holiday websites and get something booked. Enjoy your financial freedom!!!

I bought a small house because I wanted to be able to do it up and heat it adequately. One of my friends made it clear she thought it wasn’t up to the standard she had expected. She’s now an ex friend. I love my house. People who judge you on your number of metres aren’t friends.

I think so too, you had the courage to step off the wheel, they don't.
Just make sure to keep casually mentioning youre mortgage free now and the freedom of that is amazing.
Congratulations on your financial freedom!

Are they really friends? Or judgey type people who like to compare themselves to others. I would be distancing myself. Life isn't a competition!

Tell them you bought a smaller house precisely to stop hosting parties, and that it’s their turn to step up and host now, and, if you have time in between your exotic holidays, you might drop by?

Small home owner here !! First house we bought we have extended it twice ! And I had a friend (ex friend ) always saying how small my house was and why don’t u buy bigger u can afford it !
same with my car I like small cars in the end I said actually it makes me look younger having smaller things because all middle aged people have big houses and big cars and young people always have old small bangers she looked shocked because I wasn’t taking her bait ! And we are now reaping the rewards !!!