To be embarrassed about my house?

[Thedownsideisup]

DH and I have bought a house in a location we really love. We decided to buy a much less expensive house than we could afford in order to be mortgage free so we can spend our money on other things such as nice holidays and so that we can (in time) retire early. Our children are grown and the house while small (850 ft plus garage) is enough for our needs.

My friends mostly work in the same industry as I do and have big fancy expensive houses. I've noticed a few comments indicating they feel sorry for us because of our house - nothing unkind but just a few things out such as it's a shame we won't be able to have big parties anymore like we did in our old house - comments like that.

I am also certain that a lot of the embarrassment I feel is self-generated rather than coming from anyone else. And there's a fair bit of buyer's remorse mixed in which I always get when we buy a house.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it socially acceptable to tell people we could have bought a much more expensive house but chose to instead buy a cheaper one with no mortgage that suits our needs? What do I say when the comments feeling sorry for us come?

Actually it had never occurred to me before but we did the same! With us it was land and location we stepped back from rather than house size but for the same reasons

We have a much smaller house, we are also about to both be retired, I am already at 58 and have been since 55 and DH is 56. We will be travelling extensively for a couple of years, UK and Europe in a motorhome and before anyone decides to inform me about the 90/180 in Europe rule we know.

We didn’t tell a soul we were mortgage free by 40. It’s only now as people are a bit surprised we are doing this.

So what industry is this?

@steadywinner seems like we have a very similar story

“Oh, no need to feel sorry for us. We prioritised what mattered most to us. This is everything we wanted and needed.”

That’s a way of saying: stop this ridiculous pity; stop making it clear you are judging us a bit by your own standards; we aren’t buying a house we can’t afford in order to have dinner parties for other people; we’re happy.

You sound very sensible and I'm sure they're just jealous they don't have your priorities. If you think they are genuinely judging your house then get new friends, because real friends don't care about dumb shit like this

My house is smaller than all my friends’ houses. Literally every single one. So are my bills; from the electricity bill to the windows and doors replacement bill. They’re also all richer than me anyway but never say anything other than how nice it is, or how pretty the garden looks or what a gorgeous village or whatever. Your house size isn’t related to your identity. Your friends sound a bit slow, emotionally.

Wow, some terrific replies on here - well done the vipers!

I agree with a shrug and "It suits us".

People can be so small-minded. The more you meet people outside your circle and see how they live, the more you realise you don't need a big house and loads of stuff to be happy, or a lovely person.
I've seen the same here - lovely lady near me lives in a tiny old cottage. The local Queen Bee said why does she live there when she could afford somewhere much nicer? Friend obviously loves her cosy cottage and she is able to often visit her family abroad.

We’ve done the opposite and moved to a bigger house now as we can finally afford it and I find myself apologising or explaining why we’ve got a four bedroomed house when the children have left home. It’s our dream house, future proofed in terms of location and I love it.
I feel embarrassed which is ridiculous but I do.

Is it socially acceptable to tell people we could have bought a much more expensive house but…

That really just makes you sound like a bit of a nob! Just say, we love it-it’s perfect for us.

What do I say when the comments feeling sorry for us come?

If they’re rude enough to suggest they pity you I’d laugh and tell them you’ve downsized purposely to be mortgage free and it’s absolutely brilliant!

I don’t get why you should hide that fact if they’re rude enough to comment suggesting they feel sorry for you.

Enjoy your lovely new house OP and all the great holidays you’ll now have since you’re mortgage free! Lucky you!

Not at all, it makes the rude friends sound like nobs for their snobbery and fake pity. Sod them I’d be completely honest personally.

OP, if you're old enough to have adult children, you're old enough not to care what other people think about your finances and home. You know what you can afford and why you chose your house. It doesn't matter in the least what other people know, surely? Tbh the last thing I'd be doing is telling people I could have afforded a bigger place. It's a bit like those 'my other car is...' stickers you used to see in old bangers.
Your own feelings about your home matter more. Its entirely natural to struggle to get used to smaller, maybe less luxurious surroundings. But you need to remember why you did it. You (sensibly imo) decided to prioritise experience of the world, fun, adventure and quality of life over the type of building you sit, eat and sleep in. I did exactly the same and not a moments regret.

Exactly. People are losing their minds over who lives where and who’s got the flashiest house. It must be Instagram that’s giving them this sense of dissatisfaction. When I was growing up no one cared less where anyone else lived and we were all much happier. There are ridiculous mortgages being taken on which means you just become a slave to work. Enjoy your new home OP. Sounds like jealousy to me x

I’ve downsized, am mortgage free and I’ve never been happier. I do not envy my friend’s bigger houses one bit! The treadmill of getting bigger and better houses, cars, everything is just exhausting and Im Glad to be off it!

You're mortgage free, they're envious....

Never underestimate the value of freedom. You can guess my view on this by my username. Enjoy living life!

I bought a tiny little one bed house, downsized from a large four bedroom, and have never been happier.

I hated having to host “because you have the biggest house” and now nobody can stay except adult DC, who sleep on sofabed/airbed. It’s bliss.

Hardly any housework, and I can retire five years earlier than planned. Tiny mortgage means I can help the DC out with money, and go on lots of holidays.

It’s crazy that people are commenting
downsizing to be mortgage free when kids have grown is surely a usual thing to do!!

I think you are reading things into comments, they enjoyed your parties and are just saying they will miss them. I don't get it, you are mature enough to make a reasoned decision about your lifestyle , have chosen the perfect house for you , why be embarrassed about your choice. Just say you've downsized and who is going to start hosting the parties now?

My friends did that and just took the snobbery on the chin. The absolutely reaped the rewards and had all the envy down the line when they retired early, travelled the world, lived in different places and came back in their late 60s having lived their best lives!

You made a sensible choice, don't fall into the trap of feeling like you have to keep up with the Jones' now. Ignore the goady comments, it isn't at all friendly or nice to tell someone you feel sorry for them because of their house!

You could try to reverse it abit and reply with your worries, you've down sized and now you feel wobbly about it and wonder if you've done the right thing ? Then if they've got any empathy they will say they are sure it's the best decision, wish they could do it , and what a perfect house in a perfect location..People are mostly easily manipulated !

Even with our small house we do host smaller gatherings though ds’s 18th birthday ended up with 27 people in our house. It was cosy 😂 what a night we all had an a quick hour tidying up after and house was back to normal. No overnight guests no extra rooms to tidy.

Some excellent posts.

Have a dip into minimalism and Swedish Death Cleaning, it might help you feel more confident about your well thought out purchase.

We are about to extend and we've had to work really hard to convince the architect, friends and family that we don't want more rooms, more plumbing, more stuff.

I'm also at the point that I don't want to host huge student style parties that we enjoyed in our 20s &30s. Older people get more demanding to host, wanting oat milk and a king-size bed rather than any alcohol going and a sofa.
I don't travel and party every weekend so I can afford to stay somewhere lovely with a proper bed and oat milk.
I don't want to invest in space for 'what if everyone visits' , I want money in the bank and less to clean.

Don't mention the mortgage, pension, investment s to anyone. It's never a level playing field with inheritance, wages or kids and it makes us question often resentfully look at our own choices.

Just comment, I love not having a mortgage. So freeing.

We had this!!!

Downsized in recent years for the same reason. Our grown up children were very sad to see the "family home" go. One took quite a long time to get their head around it. We have only 1 spare bedroom so kids no longer have "rooms".

Very good friend said "I couldn't possibly live in a house as small as that" and I could see that the perceived loss of status would be unbearable for her.

Frankly, I'm with you all the way. No mortgage. Little house with small outgoings.
More money for holidays and no panicking about massive energy bills and maintenance costs.