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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off about this?

102 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/08/2024 23:50

My parents can no longer drive due to health issues. They are fully accepting of this although it took a bit of getting used to. I drive them most places, especially to appointments as most of them are at a hospital 20 miles away with not brilliant public transport from our town, and their conditions mean that this wouldnt be a good idea anyway.

So they sold their car. All good and very happy to get a good price for the car. Then there was a throwaway comment "and we always have your car dont we?!". Then a few weeks ago I had my MOT which brought up a few issues which I have struggled to pay for but managed it. When I went shopping for them I had to say that they would need to give me the money up front as I was struggling until payday because of the MOT and one of them said that I should budget for MOTs.

This has pissed me off. They know I have no savings as I am on carers allowance and UC because of what I do with them and work a couple of shifts a week locally.

Its brought home to me that the car is their convenience but my responsibility. They do put fuel in it every few months or so but thats it. I know if I ask for a contribution towards the car costs due to its increased use (I would never go to the city with the hospital in it for example as I have no need), they would agree to pay but be a bit put out, same if I say I cant afford the car anymore and will get rid of it as realistically I could do without it.

But does that make me a bitch? Part of me thinks it does and part of me thinks that a few quid a week (even if they put in a little pot towards the MOT or something) wouldnt be a big ask. In every other way we are a very happy family and love them very much and know that they love me, I just dont think that this issue has crossed their minds.

Genuinely dont know if IABU.

YABU - Its your car, you pay for it
YANBU - They get full advantage of the car and a driver, they should contribute

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 22/08/2024 23:55

They should pay towards the use of your car, especially since they KNOW you're struggling.

Darkmodess · 22/08/2024 23:59

What happens if your car fails its MOT and you don’t have the money to fix it ? There are community buses that help patients to hospital, I suggest you let your parent experience these….

StormingNorman · 23/08/2024 00:02

You are essentially a taxi service for them. So yes, they should cover some of the costs in recognition of how often they require use of it…including you as their driver.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 00:02

@offyoujollywelltrot I think thats part of it, they know I am struggling so it hurt to be honest.

@Darkmodess I dont think I could do that though, thats the thing. They really dont take me for granted but the car seems to have become "ours" in their heads but with only me paying for it. They have never really struggled for money so I dont think it will have crossed their minds that "skint" really does mean 5 days to pay day and less than a tenner in my purse.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 00:03

StormingNorman · 23/08/2024 00:02

You are essentially a taxi service for them. So yes, they should cover some of the costs in recognition of how often they require use of it…including you as their driver.

I dont mind the driving bit, I really dont. Its my job at the end of the day, its part of being a carer. But the car upkeep ..... yeah maybe you're right when you put it like that.

OP posts:
LouH5 · 23/08/2024 00:25

This would annoy me too!

Could you pose the question to them, and see what solution they come up with?

Ie “mum, dad, I know you know I’m struggling for money at the moment, and my car MOT cost a fortune… you know how happy I am to drive you to hospital/do your errands but it’s costing me quite a bit to do so, and I’m worrying about it. Do you have any ideas what we can do to make this easier on my bank balance?”

And hopefully THEY will then suggest they give you more money for it, and then they’ll feel like it was their idea? I don’t know. Not that they have a right to be, but they may be put out if you outright ask them for x amount, but if you slightly make them feel like it was their idea, it could help? Also if you let them know that you’re worrying over it, as your parents surely they’ll want to alleviate that concern. Just a thought!

Mossstitch · 23/08/2024 00:50

I'd tell them you think that you are going to have to get rid of the car as you can't afford the upkeep. That your thinking they will have to get taxis or patient transport for hospital appointments going forwards. (My area also has volunteer drivers for this but you are still expected to pay costs, your local Age UK will be able to put you in touch if required).Hopefully it will make them offer to pay towards it, it's an expensive business running a car with road tax, insurance, MOTs and fuel which they must be aware of as they recently did so, if they don't offer and you can manage without then I'd get rid and make your life easier.

Cobblersorchard · 23/08/2024 00:55

I’d sack off being a carer full stop. Miserable penny pinching cheeky fuckers are what you have there. Let them fend for themselves.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 01:29

Cobblersorchard · 23/08/2024 00:55

I’d sack off being a carer full stop. Miserable penny pinching cheeky fuckers are what you have there. Let them fend for themselves.

Wow. Well I can only say that I hope that no one you love ever needs you!

They are not miserable or penny pinching or cheeky fuckers. The absolute opposite in every single way in fact.

I truly believe that this is lack of understanding rather than meaness. Its why I am struggling with it because if I bring it up I think it will upset them that they hadnt thought of it. Thats what I meant by "put out", not put out about the money but put out that I had to bring it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 01:32

I think I will bring it up, we can talk but things have been very hard in recent months with serious diagnoses and bereavments so I dont want to upset them even more as they will feel guilty.

So I will give it a month or two and then mention it as my insurance needs renewing then so it will be a natural segue.

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 23/08/2024 01:38

Since my Mum got rid of her car she has voluntarily contributed to my expenses, helping with maintenance costs and petrol. Most of my longer trips are for her medical appointments.

She's just an ordinary pensioner (not at all wealthy). I realise I'm very lucky, but I do think this is fair.

Youcantellalotofthingsabouttheflowers · 23/08/2024 01:49

They pay for petrol right?

Somuchyoungerthanbefore · 23/08/2024 02:14

They should feel guilty why should you foot all the costs?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/08/2024 02:28

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 01:32

I think I will bring it up, we can talk but things have been very hard in recent months with serious diagnoses and bereavments so I dont want to upset them even more as they will feel guilty.

So I will give it a month or two and then mention it as my insurance needs renewing then so it will be a natural segue.

They absolutely should pay... Can you phrase it aroubd that because of all the emotional strain you've all been under this has gone under radar?

Im in a similar position myself - i can no longer afford a car as I have given up any employment to care for elderly, terminal dad...
I use car almost solely to facilitate his life...
I just asked that he now pay for it as I just couldn't afford to... He grumbled but now he realises he couldn't do without car /and me as taxi.
So he's now paying insurance /mot and most fuel.

ObelixtheGaul · 23/08/2024 02:29

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 01:29

Wow. Well I can only say that I hope that no one you love ever needs you!

They are not miserable or penny pinching or cheeky fuckers. The absolute opposite in every single way in fact.

I truly believe that this is lack of understanding rather than meaness. Its why I am struggling with it because if I bring it up I think it will upset them that they hadnt thought of it. Thats what I meant by "put out", not put out about the money but put out that I had to bring it up.

Show quote history

I understand, OP, and I would feel the same, but this isn't just about you wanting a contribution, you genuinely are struggling and without help you may not be able to afford the car at all. Hard as it is, you will need to gently explain that you want to keep helping them and need the car to do that, but are struggling to afford it. They may feel upset/guilty, but as the lovely people you say they are, they will move past that. Good luck.

Moonshine5 · 23/08/2024 02:39

You're a grown person, pay for your own car. Your parents will figure a way to get to appointments.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/08/2024 02:48

Moonshine5 · 23/08/2024 02:39

You're a grown person, pay for your own car. Your parents will figure a way to get to appointments.

You think they'll do this by magic? If they haven't realised it is costing PyongYang more than she has available... they'll magically decide to start taking hugely expensive taxis without any sort of awkward conversation?

No. That's ridiculous. For that to happen, PyongYang would have to say 'Sorry Mum and Dad, I can't afford to drive you anywhere at all so you'll need to make your own way to appointments from now on... '

How is that better and less awkward and less upsetting than a sensible conversation about struggling to meet the ever rising costs of keeping a car on the road on a limited budget?

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 03:07

Youcantellalotofthingsabouttheflowers · 23/08/2024 01:49

They pay for petrol right?

Fill the tank every so often. Once every couple of months but it it is very fuel efficient.

OP posts:
JaydeeeeP · 23/08/2024 09:16

They are not wrong about the MOT comment, but not really up to them to be passing comments. I think you just need an honest conversation to say you're possibly having to get rid of it as you can't afford it so how would that leave them.

Miley1967 · 23/08/2024 09:18

Maybe they should pay for taxis instead. Do they get disability benefits / Attendance allowance ? If so then the money can be used for this.

Scentsless · 23/08/2024 09:38

I'd be inclined to tell them that you are struggling to cover the cost of running the car and that you are looking to sell it and buy a bike, but that you will help them book taxis for their appointments. Perhaps then they will offer to help you when it hits home that their free taxi service will no longer be available.

LadyKenya · 23/08/2024 09:41

No it does not make you a b needing some financial help to continue helping your parents in this way@PyongyangKipperbang . It obviously has not occurred to them that you are struggling with the overall cost of car ownership. A conversation needs to be had swiftly, to ensure that you can continue to provide the help that you have been giving, and that they have become accustomed too.

Anonymouseposter · 23/08/2024 09:47

I would have an honest conversation with them. I would tell them that because you are now on Carers allowance you are struggling to afford to run the car and budget for the MOT. The main reason you are keeping it is to help with their appointments so a bit of help towards running costs would be appreciated

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 23/08/2024 09:59

Would you qualify for a mobility car? Not sure how the finances for that work & who pays for it, but it might help.

Cobblersorchard · 23/08/2024 10:27

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2024 01:29

Wow. Well I can only say that I hope that no one you love ever needs you!

They are not miserable or penny pinching or cheeky fuckers. The absolute opposite in every single way in fact.

I truly believe that this is lack of understanding rather than meaness. Its why I am struggling with it because if I bring it up I think it will upset them that they hadnt thought of it. Thats what I meant by "put out", not put out about the money but put out that I had to bring it up.

Show quote history

My parents (late 70’s) are not the sort that would ever place any financial burden on their children. They are well off, incredibly generous with their time and money and if they need care in the future they will pay for it.

There’s absolutely no way they would have us running around after them in a way that adversely impacts our lives, careers or finances. Nice people don’t do that.