To be a bit pissed off about this?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

My parents can no longer drive due to health issues. They are fully accepting of this although it took a bit of getting used to. I drive them most places, especially to appointments as most of them are at a hospital 20 miles away with not brilliant public transport from our town, and their conditions mean that this wouldnt be a good idea anyway.

So they sold their car. All good and very happy to get a good price for the car. Then there was a throwaway comment "and we always have your car dont we?!". Then a few weeks ago I had my MOT which brought up a few issues which I have struggled to pay for but managed it. When I went shopping for them I had to say that they would need to give me the money up front as I was struggling until payday because of the MOT and one of them said that I should budget for MOTs.

This has pissed me off. They know I have no savings as I am on carers allowance and UC because of what I do with them and work a couple of shifts a week locally.

Its brought home to me that the car is their convenience but my responsibility. They do put fuel in it every few months or so but thats it. I know if I ask for a contribution towards the car costs due to its increased use (I would never go to the city with the hospital in it for example as I have no need), they would agree to pay but be a bit put out, same if I say I cant afford the car anymore and will get rid of it as realistically I could do without it.

But does that make me a bitch? Part of me thinks it does and part of me thinks that a few quid a week (even if they put in a little pot towards the MOT or something) wouldnt be a big ask. In every other way we are a very happy family and love them very much and know that they love me, I just dont think that this issue has crossed their minds.

Genuinely dont know if IABU.

YABU - Its your car, you pay for it
YANBU - They get full advantage of the car and a driver, they should contribute

Op says she gets UC too which is likely to be much more than CA. I agree the parents need to cough up. if they are getting disability benefits which they will be if op is claiming carers allowance then this is extra money ( not insignificant amounts) given by the government to pay for things like taxis etc because people can't drive or have extra costs relating to their disabilities.

Tell them to get a taxi.If they complain say you should budget for that

I can’t believe you quit working to be their carer/taxi service when all they need is patient transport which many parts of the U.K. offers for free! Ask their GP for the patient transport service number.

Then up your shifts so you can work full time and secure your own old age.

Or at very least, claim the transport costs, if they need you as carer for more than taxiing them to and fro

Or go back to work full time and give them £100 a month for taxis (unless they get PIP or AA)

You have options, you are not stuck.

“Non-emergency patient transport services
Some people are eligible for non-emergency patient transport services (PTS). These services provide free transport to and from hospital for people including:
those whose condition means they need additional medical support during their journey
those who find it difficult to walk
parents or guardians of children who are being transported
PTS may not be available in all areas. To find out if you're eligible for PTS and how to access it, you'll need to speak to your GP or the healthcare professional who referred you to hospital.
https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/hospitals/going-into-hospital/how-to-organise-transport-to-and-from-hospital/

“Claiming for hospital transport costs
You may be able to claim for the cost of transport to hospital through the Healthcare Travel Costs Scheme (HTCS) if you're referred for specialist NHS treatment or tests.
Read more about the Healthcare Travel Costs Scheme (HTCS), including who's eligible, what the conditions are and how to make a claim.”

When you talk to them have all your data to hand. Cost of tax, In surance, mot,service , new tyres and how much you paid for petrol in the past month plus miles per litre your car does. Plus cost of taxi to and fro hospital.

A motability car has to be taken by the individual receiving disability allowance and you only qualify for motability if the person is receiving the highest rate of disability allowance. Depending on car taken , the monthly payment can be higher than the monthly disability allowance so a top up might be needed. Also when the person with the disability allowance dies the car has to go back - no delays - which could leave OP with a problem re transport for other parent etc.

The simplest solution is for OP to have a conversation with her parents - as she has suggested to get them to realise the costs and for them to help with these as effectively OP is their taxi service for appointments / shopping etc.

Op, your parents should contribute towards petrol costs and also wear and tear on the vehicle.
They have saved a lot of money by letting their car go, they should contribute a proportion of this to your running costs.
They should transfer a set amount into your account or if not, they can pay by the mile, the HMRC rate is 45p a mile, they should pay this amount for use of your car, or start going in the hospital ambulance to appointments.

I didnt say that that's all they need, I would hardly have limited my working hours in order to be an unpaid taxi service.

Patient transport services... are hugely unreliable and often result in missed appointments and people sitting around for hours and hours waiting, sometimes for a transport that isn't happening!

Motability - would come out of the allowance of the person getting PIP and whilst I have never ever heard of it being more than that mobility payment, it's rarely less... and would be a lot more than simply contributing to OP's own car, so is hardly a solution! Even if it is (after all theres no maintenance costs to a motability vehicle), we're talking months of waiting for a new car at the minute, some people are waiting six months to a year depending on the car ordered!

Have you asked?

Playing devils advocate here but are they confused about what you meant in regards to your mot?

Do they think you are struggling to afford the MOT fee? (not the repairs), in which case they think you should have been able to budget for that?

It seems an unkind thing to say to your child if you know they don't have much money to live on and they've had an unexpected bill to pay, and all you were asking was them to pay before you went shopping rather than after!

Your car would have failed it's MOT regardless of whether or not you took your parents to their hospital appointments. If you're getting carers allowance for looking after them that's meant to go towards your expenses for caring ie: fuel, car maintenance etc!

I understand as in a similar situation. Are they eligible for attendance allowance? They could receive some additional financial support to pay for a home help/ contribute to travel expenses

having read some of the comments it is clear that most people have no clue how stressful and tricky it is being an unpaid carer for a family!

They sold their car and offered you nothing towards yours whilst on a carers allowance and expect you to save for repairs. Do they have all their faculties working? Sounds bananas.

I am a social housing manager and see people struggling trying to run a car on UC - it's just not affordable. Carer's Allowance is an absolute scandal as it's a pittance. Can one of them be carer to the other and claim carer's allowance, freeing you up to reenter the workplace and afford your car? Sympathy from me, it's a financially impossible position being a carer on UC.

People over state pension age cannot be paid carers allowance unless their state pension is less than the carers allowance amount. they can claim a carers premium on Pension credit if they are eligible to claim that.

Haven't been able to read all comments due to ads but as you are getting carers allowance, does that mean one or both receive Disability benefit? If so and it's the Mobility component, could you ask them about getting a Motability car which you could then drive them to all their appointments?

My dad used to do stuff like this for my nan when she was still alive.
So she used her free road tax entitlement for my dad's car.
My son is disabled so we get free road tax as well.
Not sure how it works for older people but if you get the higher rate DLA you get free road tax.

Se what you are entitled to benefits wise as there maybe additional support available. Do they qualify for any motability schemes and you are the driver?
explain to them your costs. Insurance has really increased. Mine has doubled and I have no changes at all. The cost of car parts and uninsured drivers has pushed it. I did read best time to get insurance is 21 days before current expiry

When you said for them to pay for the shopping before you went - I'm taking that as you asked them for their money to pay for their own groceries (and so that you didn't have to pay up front and get reimbursed). I think that's a reasonable ask regardless of the circumstances, and they should have budgeted for those groceries in advance. Or they could get groceries delivered?
About the car - your carer's allowance covers you being a carer, it doesn't come with a 'company' car or any other perks. Your parents are not entitled to the benefits of your car. That is extra imo. Yes you are their carer, but so are plenty of people who don't have a car (yes, I work in the health service). They should pay for more than the petrol of they want the benefit of your car.

I am horrified by your parents' attitude toward you.

My sister was my mothers full time career and when her car died my mother transferred ownership of her own car to my sister - because without a car it would be so much harder for her to be a carer.

If this is a blip in an otherwise caring relationship sit down with them and explain why it's so hard.

But at the same time, please, please, please reassess your needs here. I persuaded (and found for her) my sister to get a job because she faced poverty in her retirement if she didn't get some income and savings behind her (and Australian carers pension is a damn site better than UK one).

You need to looks at the long term effects of caring for your parents in you financially (and emotionally), and they need to start funding some of their own care so that you are not left penniless due to not having much of an income as a result of caring responsibilities.

It sounds like they are using you to be honest, or at least very much taking you for granted.

They need to perhaps get taxis, or contribute.

It also sounds like they need to think about a move closer to health services rather than relying on you. Is there some reason you are their carer? Why has it fallen to you, rather than community services? Is it what you want? Particularly as it sounds like you are struggling for money.

It just doesn't sound like a very good deal for you. It's certainly not what I'd want for my kids - I will be organising my life so I can manage it myself rather than turning them into my carers when they should be living their own lives.

I was the carer for both of my late beloved parents.
My late dad knew I was struggling so I sold my car and he gave me his.
He was hardly rolling in money but he took care of its upkeep and petrol. I paid towards the petrol when I used it for personal use.
When he passed away left me the car - it is still going several years later.
He was by no means easy to look after at times, but there was no way he would have put any type of burden on me financially. It is stressful enough being a carer without worrying about money.
I can remember being in a support group and someone brought this up - she was having a hysterectomy and would be off her feet for months. Her mum had to make other arrangements and get on with it.
I don’t regret caring for my parents but on reflection I now believe that you don’t have children with an expectation that one day they will then become your parent.
That’s just my feeling after giving up over a decade of my life while the rest of my family/siblings let me get on with it.
I think the comment about ‘having’ your car now is uncaring.
Have a look at claiming full PIP for either/both parents and see if you can access a car that way. It is not an easy process but worth a try.
Make time for yourself and your own needs because as time moves on and their care needs increase you will need it. And then access further care and support for yourself.
You are clearly a very caring daughter but remember you have your own life, too.

I’d increase your working hours and tell them to use supermarket home delivery services and taxis.

Could you mention to them that you are considering selling the car as you really can't afford it and it's impossible to budget? See where that takes you.

OP, what you have written about your parents puts them in a very very poor light.

You should not be surprised that people respond to that.

What did you expect?
You give up time and are running around after them.
You have very little money and they have plenty.
They make a very unkind remark about your budgeting.
Kind people do not say that to those that do so much for them.

You are upset enough about it to open a thread about it.

If you are so close to them, why are you so afraid of spelling out to them how strapped for cash you are?

Really loving parents would be appalled that their child who does so much, has so little money, not make unkind comments to them and upset them.

Posters are replying honestly to what you have written.

Kind parents do not behave like that.

If you have a good relationship with them, and are not just be used as their skivvy taxi driver, you should be able to spell out just how much you do for them, how strapped for cash you are, and instead of very unkind belittling remarks about your budgeting skills, you actually would appreciate a bit of kindness and respect for all that you do.

I really don't think that is too much to ask of them.