To be a bit pissed off about this?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

My parents can no longer drive due to health issues. They are fully accepting of this although it took a bit of getting used to. I drive them most places, especially to appointments as most of them are at a hospital 20 miles away with not brilliant public transport from our town, and their conditions mean that this wouldnt be a good idea anyway.

So they sold their car. All good and very happy to get a good price for the car. Then there was a throwaway comment "and we always have your car dont we?!". Then a few weeks ago I had my MOT which brought up a few issues which I have struggled to pay for but managed it. When I went shopping for them I had to say that they would need to give me the money up front as I was struggling until payday because of the MOT and one of them said that I should budget for MOTs.

This has pissed me off. They know I have no savings as I am on carers allowance and UC because of what I do with them and work a couple of shifts a week locally.

Its brought home to me that the car is their convenience but my responsibility. They do put fuel in it every few months or so but thats it. I know if I ask for a contribution towards the car costs due to its increased use (I would never go to the city with the hospital in it for example as I have no need), they would agree to pay but be a bit put out, same if I say I cant afford the car anymore and will get rid of it as realistically I could do without it.

But does that make me a bitch? Part of me thinks it does and part of me thinks that a few quid a week (even if they put in a little pot towards the MOT or something) wouldnt be a big ask. In every other way we are a very happy family and love them very much and know that they love me, I just dont think that this issue has crossed their minds.

Genuinely dont know if IABU.

YABU - Its your car, you pay for it
YANBU - They get full advantage of the car and a driver, they should contribute

I'd say "Parents, I'm on benefits, and with the best will in the world can't possibly budget enough to be certain to afford to keep the car on the road. MOTs and repairs cost money, sometimes unexpectedly. Now you don't drive its important for you I have reliable transport. Can we talk about how we can share the costs to make sure this is the case?"

You need to sit down with your parents and explain that you have other expenses apart from being their carer and the money has to come from somewhere for you to support your car. If you are giving up your time and money for their support, then they need to foot the bill. Mention the price of taxis or how difficult it would be for them to get public transport. You sound quite early in your journey as a carer. As the journey continues things will change and you are better now laying down boundaries in a polite way so that when you have to face tougher terrain so to speak you will have the tools and skills at hand.

There's a phrase, something like favours becoming expectations becoming demands. Very frustrating.

I think it would do no harm if your car trouble renders you unable to help a couple of times. Most appts can be rearranged and a small dose of this actually affecting them could tell a thousand words.

Stop making excuses for them and pussyfooting around. It's not a misunderstanding at all otherwise they wouldn't have commented that you need to budget for the MOT. Anyone with an ounce of self awareness would have offered to contribute to the general running costs at that point, or long before.
How thoughtless and selfish they are to to expect this to continue when they are well provided for and fully aware of your financial position.
There is no need for upset. If they take it the wrong way, that's on them and not your responsibility.

If they are otherwise as kind and loving as you say, I don't think sitting them down and basically saying what you say here would be unreasonable. It's likely it hasn't even crossed their minds.
I don't think any reasonable, loving parent would want their child to be struggling financially because of their actions - but they can still be blindly naive.

I think a chat is needed.

The reason you are on a low income and receive carers allowance is because you are their carer.
You don't have to feel obliged to them. They have the option of paying for care, and they should be more considerate.

take your parents out of the equation for now.

i think you should pay for the MOT, insurance, service etc yourself. It’s not easy but that’s how it is when you’ve got a car. It is your responsibility and you need to anticipate that things may go wrong and need to be fixed.

i agree your parents should pay fuel costs though

I would talk to them sooner rather than waiting.
Show them a list of costs associated with the car and reiterate that the car is being used for their benefit.
If they are unable to drive they may be eligible for attendance allowance either one or both of them, and I would suggest that this could be used to give to you to cover your car costs.

Talk to them.

I don't know how old your parents are but they might not realise just how much petrol costs; I was driving in the early 1970s when a gallon cost about 34p. There are about 4.5 litres in a gallon... Tell them you can't afford the fuel to take them about for starters.

Tell me you've never been short of money without telling me you've never been short of money! Even if OP 'should' pay for her own car (she shouldn't when she's already said she could do without it and only feels she should keep it so she can carry on helping her DP's) if there's not enough money, there's not enough money. Trying to run a car as well as a home on UC and carers allowance is pretty much impossible so if OP's parents want the luxury of lifts then they need to contribute, obviously.

I would tell them the MOT has made you realise you can no longer afford to keep the car OP, if they make the 'you should be budgeting for it' point again then explain its not a case of budgeting, there just isn't any money spare because you have to manage on UC and carers. They will either realise they need to contribute and offer or they will have to accept that you can no longer give them lifts, you can't pull money out of thin air. Sorry you're in this position, I wish carers were valued more in our society

Good grief!

They know I have no savings as I am on carers allowance and UC because of what I do with them

I think you need to have a serious chat with them and explain how comments like ‘that I should budget for MOTs.’ make you feel.

Tell them how much money you earn each month because you are caring for them and how difficult things are for you financially. Do they genuinely not have any idea how much you are struggling?

Can you tell them,

I bring home x, my outgoings are y. It’s soon getting to the point where I will have to get rid of the car as I just can’t afford to run it any more.

If they are nice lovely people with whom you have a good relationship, hopefully they will understand.

In your shoes I would work out the cost of the car per month once the insurance goes up.
Insurance
Road tax
Service and MOT (÷12)
Fuel

Then approach them with the actual numbers and say this is what it costs you each month. Please could they contribute xxx. If the car is mainly used for them I think it is fair they pay half (or whatever you think is fair). You can also find out how much a taxi to and from hospital is to show how much it would be if you couldn't afford to run the car.

I'd get the costs of running the car. Insurance, MOT, repairs, petrol. Then ask them to pay what you think is fair/will cover it. Tell them you feel bad about raising it but that you're struggling with car costs at the moment. Perhaps they could contribute to a savings account by direct debit every month then you don't have to keep thinking about it.

Um, people’s situations differ?!

I think it's fair enough if they contribute towards petrol. All other costs you would have to pay anyway. I take my mum to hospital appointments and she always gives me some money for petrol, but I wouldn't expect her to contribute to the upkeep of the car.

As they had a car they should realise the costs involved but are probably assuming you'd be paying for one anyway so doesn't cost you much other than fuel for their use. Carers allowance is a pittance and doesn't make up for the lost income if you were able to work those hours instead so perhaps you need to have an open conversation about your finances and the costs that are involved in their care

I would find out what it would cost for the help you provide which is above the basic help you might manage to fit in if working full-time, so they realise just how much you do and what this current arrangement is saving them but costing you. Then together you can decide a fairer plan perhaps they contribute more financially, decide to outsource some tasks so you can work more. If they don't live with you they maybe still able claim the carers allowance themselves. Speak with age UK, CAB or welfare charity to check they are getting all the benefits/financial help they are entitled to.

So list things like what would a carer/PA or cleaner hourly rates be? How much would it cost for the taxi to places they regularly go to or for appointments like the hospital? Are there any alternative options and there maybe charity or hospital transport links for people who don't have anyone to drive them if unable to use public transport.

But presumably you can afford to run a car and need it for other things too?

A car is an expensive luxury these days- OP says she could manage without it if she didn't need it for her DPs, OP has very little income due to the burden of caring for her DPs.

TBH they should have automatically started to pay some of OPs car running costs when they got rid of their own.

OP I know it's uncomfortable but you have to let them know how little you have and how much you are doing for them. They don't want to see it as who wants to be responsible for ruining their DDs ability to earn a decent wage. But they don't get to do that and lecture you about budgeting as well.

When were they last working themselves? They've owned a car recently so should be aware what that costs but may be clueless about how much carers' allowance is in comparison with a job, even at minimum wage.

I'd spell it out to them that that is the amount you're living on, whereas you could earn £x working. As you're not working you don't need to run a car so will use a bike instead. You can always offer to accompany them in a taxi to medical appointments so they're not going alone.

I would never take money from relatives for this. You get carers allowance, does that not go toward the cost of the car?
I would pull them up on every little passive aggressive comment, though. That’s out of order.

Do you understand how little that actually is, and it further restricts how much the OP can work too?

It’s about £81 a week that Op gets from Carers allowance to live off, rather than being able to go and get a job outside the home. Could you live off that?

I think the only thing to do is tell them when they ask that you can't afford the petrol. If they won't put some in then they cant go. They might stop asking unless it's your payday.

Lol. Please pass on your how to live on peanuts tips.