If you felt abandoned/emotionally neglected as a child, what made you feel that? Desperate not to make these mistakes with my son

[Abandoneddmenet]

I have huge abandonment issues. They run far deeper than I ever knew. I find it painful to think back to childhood as it was overall a feeling of being very scared and lost. Despite having everything material you could possibly think of.

I don’t want to make the same mistakes with my son. How do you make a child feel safe? I don’t know how to avoid the same thing happening as I don’t know any better. Please help if you can, he is only 3 but I am worried I am already getting it wrong.

I get where you are coming from. I think the fact that you care is a good sign, I do find that my own upbringing means I struggle to show physical warmth towards a child I would 100% die for. Some of us don’t have a blueprint for normal parenting and have to put a lot of effort and thought into what should be simple, uncomplicated and instinctive behaviours.

I think listening (actively) and physical touch are really important.

Me three!

never really understood love and attention was missing in my life until I left home and started seeing friends having babies and how friends who I then met had older kids and how they all interacted.

I then devoted myself to hugging my kids, talking to them, loving them, telling them they were loved. When I was older I got cancer and my parents were due to be away on a very long week holiday which after my op they went on as my dad couldn’t cope with my then having chemo, and as the op was considered successful so no need for them to be here apparently. That was the point in time my kids were sooo shocked and loving and I felt I didn’t need my parents. Unfortunately for them I don’t feel bad about not being around to help them all the time. (I do help them, see them etc but if I can’t I don’t feel bad, sad really).

Sounds to me that as others say OP your doing a grand job.

edited to say, my parents had parents that treated them the same (we were also nc to one set of grandparents) so I think nature and nurture (or lack of) was just how it was. My parents never displayed any affection to each other in front of us but I do know in my older years they are very much in love with each other.

thanks for the support it really helps me feel less alone.

someone asked what I thought was missing or something similar… I think fundamentally I never felt I could be me. I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t show emotion as it wouldn’t be recognised let alone validated. My mum in particular couldn’t bear it if I was upset. It’s left me not knowing how to react in some situations as I can’t be my authentic self. It’s so messed up.

a few people have said to be honest about emotions and I think that’s great advice. I will definitely do that (in a child appropriate way) so he knows it’s ok to be angry or sad or have any negative emotion and I won’t run away from him or leave him because of it.

I feel so damaged and broken even all these years on. I really thought by now I would have fixed myself.

I just wasn't important. I was the youngest of 4 with an 8 year gap and I think she had just grown tired of being a Mum. She showed no interest in my school day, homework etc. No encouragement, never mentioned it. Never asked about friends. When I started going round the village from age 9 or 10, she didn't ask where I was going, who I was with, just " be home for tea". Didn't cook nice food, or get in things every child likes...cereal, fruit, crisps, yogurts, peanut butter etc. I wore what she bought for me and had no input in my clothes, haircuts, duvet sets, nothing at all. Birthday and Christmas presents were bedroom curtains, bedding, underwear, school shoes.....nothing reflecting my interests or hobbies. My Dad was always quietly apologising but was intimidated by her. However, she DID cook every day, I was never hungry, our home was spotless, my clothes clean and ironed. When I started to earn a little from babysitting and car washing at 13/14, she stopped buying my clothes. She just wasn't interested in me for as far back as I can remember. Fortunately my Dad acted as Mum AND Dad and was very supportive and interested.

I understand this fear so well. I always think of the toni morrison idea: “does your face light up when your child enters the room?” You can tell a child they are loved all day and every day (my parents certainly did) but so what? They have to see it and feel it. I felt utterly invisible growing up, despite the home cooked meals and birthday cakes.

I didn’t want that for my children. So I would always take a moment before waking them from a nap, or picking them up from school or sport etc to reflect on the enormity of my love for them, to really feel it in my chest. Then, when I saw them, it was almost palpable.

They are grown now, but have often told me how totally loved they felt growing up.

I'm in the same position as you, I think. Honesty with my kids is paramount: age appropriately obviously.
I consciously try to check in with them every day and provide what they need at that point in time. We laugh together every day and we get each other- as a result, I hope they will feel they can always come to me and to their dad.

I think fundamentally I never felt I could be me. I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t show emotion as it wouldn’t be recognised let alone validated
Thanks for this it's really helpful for parents to think about from a childs perspective. I pushed my DD to do something she didn't actually want to do, (dancing with a group in party) because I wanted her to feel included, but she was happy just being herself.
Your OP and subsequent replies have given me a lot of insight.

I had a shitty childhood. Narcissistic mother and an enabling Dad. Interestingly my mother had a terrible childhood so inflicting one on me was an absolute choice as she gave my younger sister a very different mothering experience. I have been determined to break the cycle and I have. My childhood was One I was determined my DD would never have - and she hasn’t. It is hard @Abandoneddmenet but I like to think that surviving shitty mothering is my superpower. I am very self aware as a mother. It doesn’t mean I’m brilliant but I am self-reflective - something my mother never was. I have no blueprint except I absolutely know what not to do. Sometimes I get things wrong and sometimes I am right. But I know how to say sorry and admit when I am wrong or unreasonable. I had to work things out for myself when I was a YP as I had no one to ask/confide in. I yearned for a fairy godmother/anyone I could just run stuff by. I had no one. No one to ask or confide in about relationships / sex / money / life - my only experience was control /interference/ barriers. I am proud to say I am the Mum not just my DD asks but also who my DD’s friends ask advice from.

You sound lovely and self aware. Definitely read the Philippa Perry book - it’s a great starting place. We’re all muddling through on the parenting journey but being aware of the need to be emotionally available is fundamental and you sound like you have this covered.

I cant even read this, let alone begin to talk about it. Talk about damaged goods here

Never felt loved. I can’t bring myself to talk about it but had to had to just pop my head round the door and say "me too"

Reading this has been quite comforting to me, not because I enjoy reading about people suffering but because it reminds me it's not because something was wrong with me personally. I wasn't neglected because I am somehow abnormal.

I was both emotionally and physically neglected. As others have expressed I too was invisible. My mother hated being a parent and did everything she could to avoid it. She was out all day and night working and socialising and provided only the very very basics for survival. From a young age I was alone. My dad left and started a new family. I had no one looking out for me, wondering if I was ok or safe. I learnt not to bother my mum with anything as she would complain she was tired and pretty much ignore anything I had to say. I just learnt that no one was coming, no one was going to keep me safe, no one saw me or heard me. I was completely alone in the world.

Things that I now feel hurt the most:

• No one showed up to any of my parents evenings, school concerts or any other event. No one showed an interest in my education or supported me. No one cared if I did well or even went to school. - so I show up, even if it means running across town from work to be on time for assemblies, I show up. I listen to what my dc are learning and I read about it myself so I can support their learning and they know I care about them achieving. I sign up to school and hobbie events and volunteer and I get involved in all I can like the pta to show them I care. I hate the pta but I endure it with a smile for my dc. I equally don't push them but allow them to be themselves and tell them I'm proud of them no matter what results they get. I tell them their happiness is most important.

• I was never told I was loved, never told people were proud of me, never told I was good or worth anything. - so I tell my dc as often as I can and I show it physically by giving affection but also showing them that no matter what they can always come to me and be listened to and believed and have their emotions validated.

• no one was interested in my feelings and made me feel abnormal or embarrassed for having negative feelings. Yet my mum would rely on me to make her feel better and to offload her emotions on me. This is the only time she bothered to pay me attention and she treated me like an adult and told me things a child should not have to know or deal with. It made me feel unsafe and scared. My mum was very up and down and it felt chaotic and scary - as pp have said I'm honest with my dc about my emotions and I own my mistakes and apologise but I don't rely on them to make me feel better or share adult thoughts with them. I also don't make any difficulties in family life all about me. I make sure my dc feel safe with me and that even when I am feeling a certain way or a difficult situation is occurring I am strong and stable and consistent.

No one ever played with me or found joy in being with me- so I play and I'm present with my dc. I prioritise them above my phone and chores and they know even though I have to go out to work sometimes and I can be unavailable due to work that they are always my priority and I'd drop anything and everything if I needed. I tell them this now they are older.

I wasn't provided with any essentials other than broken or basic things and past a certain age I was expected to buy everything for myself included food and clothing despite only being very early secondary age. I would look at friends being cooked lovely meals and having their mum sit and eat with them or simply ask them if they wanted a glass of milk and I wondered what I had done to make no one want to provide that for me. - so I show my dc that I care what they have and need and I always ask if they have what they need and want. Not in a spoiling them way but il ask if their clothes are still a good fit and il allow them choice over their own clothing or food preferences and il do my best to get it. My dc know they will never go without and if I can't afford it then and there il work hard to make it happen. I never allow them to go around in tatty clothes for example and it shows them I care about how they feel and their confidence.

I reflect on my parenting often. If I feel like I have not been my best or it's slipped I make a conscious effort to make it better.

The main thing is my dc know I'm there and will always be there and that I am interested in them. Even if I'm not actually with them they know I'm thinking about them, for example,I sometimes bring home little gifts like a biscuit from costa and tell them I was in there and was thinking about you and thought you would like this biscuit because you like lemon biscuits. They know I know what they like and dislikes and that I'm mindful about that. I want them to be comfortable and what they like matters and I tell them that and physically provide what they prefer if I can. I'm human but reliable and stable and safe and no matter what il protect them. It's showing up both physically and as I said and being fully present as much as you are able.

Part of all that for me op is having the ability to recognise when I need to prioritise and look after myself for a short while. If I didn't do that I believe I would struggle to do all the above. That is ok op. It's ok to be human and make mistakes with the dc as long as we own it and reflect on it.

As others have said the fact that you care shows you will do well.

Without making assumptions about you based on my experiences I just wanted to add a word of warning. I didn't get therapy when my dc were younger. I shared your worries about parenting well and breaking the cycle and I did all what I posted above but I suppressed a lot of my childhood for a long time. I never allowed myself to acknowledge how bad it was or believe it wasn't somehow because there is something wrong with me. As my eldest dc reached an age where she had normal teen stress and self doubt and when she reached teen years which was the age I most struggled. Even though I didn't know it as I'd suppressed it, it hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue. I began having nightmares and remembering the feelings and certain events Id not remembered suddenly began to crop up randomly. I began feeling real anger and hurt about my childhood that I couldn't ignore. Just a heads up and advice to try work through it slowly so it doesn't all suddenly floor you all at once.

As a balance I do think you can go too far in the other direction.

My parents were sometimes emotionally void. I wouldn’t say overly loving nor overly neglectful. Somewhere in the middle. I don’t feel traumatised by this. It was just what it was.

Having seen my DPs family they are very emotionally aware, very loving, very supportive. But to the point where no one is willing to give hard truths or tell someone to get it together, stick it out or take responsibility. All the children have struggled with independence. With leaving home for Univeristy, with starting jobs, with travelling, with any minor hardship or discomfort in life their response is to recoil to the home where they are supported and comforted for their lack of resilience . Which is nice. But also not helpful when you are now talking about adults.

I think if you’re asking this question it’s very unlikely you are going to be emotionally neglectful. So I wouldn’t panic about this and go too far compensating in the opposite direction.

Tell them they are loved exactly as they are, don't teach them it's conditional on being 'good' (or quiet, or getting top marks). Show them how to talk through conflict and difficult emotions and how to set boundaries. Never withdraw your affection or use the silent treatment to punish or control them. Make all of this 'normal' right from a young age so by the time the teens hit they have these skills and they are confident you have their backs.

My parents belief was that doing anything for a child other than basic care was “putting an adult out” and that was the most unacceptable thing of all.

Dropping your child off to a friends house- putting an adult out
Weekend sport- putting an adult out
Wanting to have a family day down at the creek- putting an adult out.
Wanting to take part in the school play- all those extra drop offs and pick ups- peak “putting an adult out”
A part time job- “putting at adult out”

I thought it was normal to only be allowed to go to friend’s houses if they lived close to my parent’s direct route to work. Even then I would be dropped off on the highway and have to walk to friend’s house in 38 degree heat because the 5 minute round trip to friends door was “putting an adult out”. In fact, the 20 second pull over on the highway to let me out was pretty close to “putting an adult out”

When my friend’s parents offered to drive 10 minutes and collect me to bring me to their house on the weekend, I had to refuse because that was “putting an adult out”.

My parents worked hard at their small tourism business but even when it started going well enough for them to have days off, in all my childhood they never took one of these days on the weekend or school holidays. That would have meant my brother and I might have had expectations of them taking us for a picnic or to a movie and that was “putting an adult out”.

No family days, no camping trips, no movies, no theme parks, no kids TV shows if an adult was home. And definitely no complaining or showing any negative emotion ever.

I don’t spoil my kids but I stand in the rain for their football games, I drive them to parties, I take them to school discos, I take them camping when it’s the last thing I feel like doing and I listen when they speak.

OP, you just need to show up for your kids and you have won the battle,

Aww @geekygardener big hugs. You sound lovely. I agree that my DD reaching the milestones I found most difficult is really, really hard. And can be as you say, quite triggering. I often think, how could someone be so hateful/ nasty towards a nice little girl doing her best to please you? There is something so shameful about being the child with the mother who doesn’t love/like her. And of course, you are expected to keep it a secret. I never had counselling but I have read a ton of books and I have a very supportive DH who saw exactly what I saw in my DM from the off. Once I had that emotional support, I was content. I very much wanted and chose to be a mother. I knew I could be good at it. DD was planned and came into the world when I knew I was with the right man, I had enough money and could feasibly have a career break. We had a lovely home. I parented by a woman who had been expected to be a mother and had married a man she didn’t love but who ‘would do’. She was always angry with her lot.

@LargeSquareRock ah yes, my Mother (who didn’t work, didn’t do any housework, didn’t cook and couldn’t keep any friends) revelled in telling me how much I was ‘putting her out”. So yes, even when it was a PITA to get up at 7am on my day off on a Saturday because DD needed to be up, dressed, breakfasted and ready to start ballet at 8.30 I got up. DD wasn’t particularly talented at dancing, but she loved it. So I took her. Because my experience was my Mother would never have enrolled me at ballet as she was neither interested in what I would like to do and it meant she’d have to get up. I would never have had the right kit (she wouldn’t have either been arsed to get it, nor would she have washed it from week to week) and I would absolutely not have been fed before ballet either. Other examples of “putting her out” included housework, Cooking, doing any laundry, shopping for food, me inviting anyone over (because their mum’s might see what a shithole our house was) and taking me to visit a friend. I learned to cook from an early age so I didn’t go to school hungry and learned that our house didn’t look like most people’s houses and my mummy wasn’t like other mummies who didn’t try to embarrass them deliberately when friends came round so I never invited anyone over. I was very adept at masking what was going on at home. I thank the Lord for Delia Smith who showed me how to cook on the telly (she was my imaginary fantasy mum with her lovely smile and clean kitchen and all the right pots and pans) for my Y6 teacher who was kind and encouraged me (also a fantasy mother) and for my amazing DH and DD who unknowingly healed me. I think back to my own mother’s behaviour of running me down to everyone, constantly looking for someone to agree with her about what an awful person I was, how I was vain, ‘houseproud’ (a terrible affliction apparently) and selfish. The irony was, I am a kind, loving and generous person. I choose to be. I am successful because it annoyed my mother so much. I keep a lovely home because it irritated my mother that I both worked, was a mother and could keep a lovely home. I am a very good hostess because it annoyed my mother but it is also my love language to my family. She is dead now. I shed no tears. I feel happy that my own legacy will be very different because I choose to make it so.

To everyone else on this thread, I send all the love. know you are doing better than your own experience of being parented because you are aware.

I love my mum dearly but I feel she got alot do things wrong u fortunately and it's has left some scars for me. Honestly, I know what behaviours impacted my own childhood and I try to do the opposite with my own children.

Things I try to do:
Talk and get to know my children very well. Make them feel heard and seen.
Allow them to be children.
Ensure they feel safe and loved. Feel secure in our family and feel safe that our family u it is strong.
Never make them feel silly for being themselves.

The fact that you are writing this shows how much you care so you're already doing a better job.

Listen to him.

My mother had a way of asking things in a way that I knew the answer she wanted, not the answer I wanted to give. I was never listened to. I was talked over not to.

I don’t think my parents enjoyed being parents. They are very different with my DN now though. They always seemed stressed, angry and annoyed. Didn’t have much money; mum was SAHM, which I don’t think she wanted. TBF there weren’t the childcare options there are today and both surviving GPs were disabled and unable to do childcare.

We were never bought anything ‘just because’ - always had to be birthday or Christmas. They were weirdly controlling is some ways, yet neglectful in others. I had to get a PT job if I wanted stuff (fair enough). Wasn’t allowed to do waitressing/bottle snatching as there’s no way they’d have let me get the last bus back, yet tramping the streets in the dark and cold doing a paper round for far less money was fine 🤷‍♀️.

When it came to exams, loads of my friends got money for passing £10 for an A, £8 for a B and so on. I got “You should want to do well for you, not money”. I dicked around at college as I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford uni and that they wouldn’t give me any help, when it was discussed I was expected to go to a local one and commute. Whether the courses there were of interest or not.

Never understood relationships and how things were. When I split up with my first BF (I was 18), mum’s words were “Well, he left as soon as he’d got what he wanted”, I’d been with him 4 years.

We get on better as adults, some people just aren’t cut out to be parents to small children. I know they think I spend too much and can’t believe that when I was unemployed I still had hair & nails done. I know my overspending now is a reaction to constantly being told “no, we can’t afford it” as a child. However, there’s nothing they can do now.

I know I read a thread on here addressing just the issues you asked about OP but damned if I can find it! However, this one comes close.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4156457-What-was-the-best-thing-your-parents-did

There is also a book by Pete Walker called "Complex PTSD : from surviving to thriving" which might be useful to you.

Also Childhood Emotional Neglect by Dr Jonice Webb is very insightful.

OP, honestly, the best thing to do is have therapy to deal with your own issues so you can recognise them and separate it from your child which is a new generation.

You are over complicating and over worrying, and that in itself is not great, your stress and anxiety will be obvious.

You can be a great parent, but you need to put aside your own past and completely separate because your own child is a blank slate.

Have some therapy and work through your own past.

My DD started talking to me about the give love languages recently. She'd seen it on TikTok.
It made me realise that DDs love language is Quality Time and DS is Physical Touch. They like and want different things. Lots of hugs for DS but if I try that with DD she'll push me away - she prefers a smaller amount of affection. She loves doing things together with me so I make effort to give her my time when I can - she's 16 so it's shopping trips, cooking dinner together, occasional trips to cinema or a musical etc.
I think it's helpful to understand what works best for your child without smothering them in affection or doing something they don't want or appreciate

• Typo - should be five love languages

• I never got told "I love you".
• I never got hugged.
• I was never asked about my day, my school work, my friends, my teachers, my future aspirations, my emotions, my wants, my needs, anything. Ever.
• I was never given support during hard times, like close family deaths, family illnesses, final year of school, puberty, etc.
• I was never told "well done" for good school results.
• Equally, when I started to not give a fuck, I was not asked why my grades had dramatically dropped, and I was not told to go and study, I don't even remember a comment about it at all actually.
• When I was a teen and drinking/going out etc, there were never any words of safety advice or any concerns for my safety, I could be out for days with no contact or concern I was still alive.
• And, this one is never to be forgiven; obvious signs of abuse were ignored.

I hope that helps OP. I think just the fact that you are thinking about this is a good sign; so long as your thoughts then turn in to actions.

My mum passed when I was 6 (brother 8). My maternal grandparents helped my dad a lot but all of my paternal side didn't have much to do with us after an argument between both sides of the family regarding our childcare. My uncle on my mums side also did a similar thing after a falling out between him and my grandma.

My dad never really addressed any of it and then one year when my paternal auntie got married we were supposed to just forget. I was called a bad granddaughter at one point for not wanted to see them. I don't speak to a lot of my family now as I they still don't make an effort. I think all you can do is be there for your child and be supportive. I don't have children yet because I don't feel my life is stable enough and don't want them to have the same life I did

Surely you do for your children what you wish had been done for you? All you can do is your best no one is a perfect parent.That's what I did and things have worked our fine despite some bumps in the road that I'd rather not happened. But that's life, no one has a picture book story. I'd personally stop dwelling so much on the past and enjoy the now.