If you felt abandoned/emotionally neglected as a child, what made you feel that? Desperate not to make these mistakes with my son

[Abandoneddmenet]

I have huge abandonment issues. They run far deeper than I ever knew. I find it painful to think back to childhood as it was overall a feeling of being very scared and lost. Despite having everything material you could possibly think of.

I don’t want to make the same mistakes with my son. How do you make a child feel safe? I don’t know how to avoid the same thing happening as I don’t know any better. Please help if you can, he is only 3 but I am worried I am already getting it wrong.

Gosh this is a hard thread to read. Everything PPs have said resonates. OP, I agree that just your awareness of this is a sign you’re not going to parent in the same way you were parented, don’t worry, you’ve got this.

I sometimes think (as a Gen X child of Baby Boomers who had their own struggles and unaddressed traumas) that we are the first generation to parent consciously- that is, to really see and pay attention to our children, as valued and loved separate individuals. And the cycle will hopefully get better with each generation.

I never, ever felt seen - there was so much projection of their own wants and needs, so much labelling (I was the ‘good girl’, so that has been fun), so much minimising of feelings, so much denial of any mental health issue. I have countered this in my own parenting by paying attention to who my kids actually are, as whole other unique, special and loved people, not as extensions of me, or obstacles in my life.

The Raised by Narcissists subreddit is often hard reading but has been enormously helpful, it’s like therapy. Do, when you can, get therapy. There’s a lot to unpick. But you’re already a good enough mum for even wanting to be emotionally available. Big hugs. Xx

someone asked what I thought was missing or something similar… I think fundamentally I never felt I could be me. I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t show emotion as it wouldn’t be recognised let alone validated. My mum in particular couldn’t bear it if I was upset. It’s left me not knowing how to react in some situations as I can’t be my authentic self. It’s so messed up.

It’s hard to see why the above would leave someone with psychological issues, to be honest. Your mother was clearly upset if you were upset, which suggests she was a decent person who cared about her child. I think you need to stop blaming your childhood for any issues you may be experiencing in your relationships as an adult.

You can't see why not having emotions recognised/ validated/ understood by their parents might leave someone with psychological issues?

My dad had explosive anger and my mum was passive and emotionally manipulative. My siblings still carry trauma. Neither married or had kids. I did (one child). I was fortunate to meet a man who is opposite of what I’ve always known. He has abandonment issues, he was raised by a single mum.

My DC, my parent’s only grandchild, has awakened something in my parents I have never seen. I see regret and respect in their eyes. Regret for how they were to me and respect in how I treat my child. They have said how proud they are of me, how beautiful their grandchild is. They never spoke like this before. They are more affectionate towards me. I think they feel fragile as they are now much older. I won’t give them grief at this stage and bring up the past. All I know is, the cycle has stopped with me.

I agree with posters, affection and communication are the key elements to building a wonderful relationship. Don’t let the past shadow the bond with your child.

(disclaimer: I am definitely not on the shortlist for Mum of the year) However my Mum had serious mental health issues and was pretty broken as a person. When I had my own child I spent quite a lot of time reflecting on what I needed as a child that was absent. As a consequence, this is what I now try and do with my son.

Tell him regularly that he is loved. Especially during the bad times, when he is acting up. It's important he knows my love is not conditional on him succeeding or getting it right. I don't condone poor behaviour, and behaviour sanctions are applied. He knows what our boundaries are. But he doesn't have to think he has to be perfect to be deserving of our love. (Unlike my own childhood.)

Tell him I am proud of him. Not just for academic achievements, but for the little things he does that make a difference, showing resilience during a difficult time, putting effort in to try and achieve something challenging, showing kindness to others etc.

Turning up - trying as much as possible to be there for the sports days, school plays, swimming lessons etc.

Taking an interest in his interests. Which is challenging as he is ND and I spend a LOT of time listening to him vomit facts about trains and planes! But we go Trainspotting together. We go to transport museums. I have Flight Radar app and various other transport apps on my phone and I know the names of transport hubs around the world. He loves the fact that he can talk to me about what's important to him.

As I say, don't claim to be the perfect parent. Have plenty of bad days. But I can say with some confidence that my son is having a better childhood than I had.

See your child as the person they are and not the person you think they should be.
Be empathetic.
(as your child gets older)Share things about yourself; let them get to know you as a person and not just a mother.

I didn't have lunch at school - from age 11. Mother wouldn't come home until seriously late because drunk, went to one of the worst schools in the country because no one cared, and beaten up, thrown down the stairs and made homeless during my A-levels.

I don't think people trying to care for their kids do that so... I don't think you have to worry

youngest of 4 with an 8 year gap and I think she had just grown tired of being a Mum.

Wow this one hit home. As youngest of several children I've thought the same - by the time I was an older child/young adult my mum was tired, menopausal, emotionally drained and seemed to have just thought 'fuck this I can't be bothered anymore'. Largely checked out and left me to try and figure things out on my own (to a level that honestly bordered on neglectful) unless it was 'on show' (e.g. parent's evening etc, as appearances of the perfect loving family had to be kept up for outsiders, of course).

I'm sure she was struggling and needed help but she isn't a person who is proactive about asking/accessing support.

For OP - I think it's really important once you have children to make sure that you in a place mentally where you are open and willing to seek and take up support when you feel overwhelmed, as there really isn't the option to check out and leave them to look after themselves without negative lasting impact.

Be there for him.
Don't become an alcoholic.

This. My parents (mostly DM to be fair to DF) still see me as a stroppy teen. I’m looking for a new job and mentioned that my friend who I used to work with has a new job working with young adults with SEN.

Friend really enjoys it and said she thinks I’d be really good. DMs instant reaction “You’ll be no good at that!” She has no idea of my personality and how I am at work. It’s quite upsetting really.

Not really, no. Current trends which encourage parents to be endlessly validating children’s emotions do not appear to have resulted in children having better mental health than children in previous generations, do they?

Bless you.

Listen to him without having a visceral emotional reaction, ie don't be emotionally unregulated. Properly listen, phone away. Don't be highly critical of others. Let him know you love him for who he is. Encourage his independence.

Around age 7 my dad just withdrew from me. Very angry and sad man battling his own demons. But very hard for a kid to experience. Feeling of being rejected has been with me my whole life. My Mum was great but not very demonstrative with words and I think didn't shield us enough. For my kids I wanted different. I was guided by something I read on a gentle parenting page.
It was a woman whose husband had shared that growing up he had known all through his childhood that his parents had loved him deeply and loved him just the way he was. Now intellectually as an adult we know our parents loved us. But as a child what would it look like to know with absolute certainty that your parents loved you just the way you are? That's my guiding principle.
And then on top of that I try to parent in ways that encourages connection. Every topic is on the table, I'm open and apologise when I go wrong. I try to learn about their interests and life and engage, not just steer them into what interests me. I can find it a very intense experience and often feel like I need to pull away from it. I have to try to push down some controlling and anxious tendencies. I'm not perfect and I'm sure I'll mess them up some other way.
But I think I'm on the right track as they roll their eyes and say "I know Mum" when I tell them how much I love them, they're on top of me for cuddles as soon as I sit down and they tell me their deepest fears at night in bed.

Praise more than correct. (Praise the good behaviour. Tell them that they are really good at saying thank you or other desirable behaviours. You can still tell off but you need a lot of praise as well.

Talk to them early about behaviour you expect .

Tell them you are proud of them

Tell them often you love them . Several times a day.

Tell them they are worth it.

I call mine lovely...even when behaviour is not...(Autistic/teen) On the basis that they need positive reinforcement and might live up to it more often.

The telling them they are really kind when...and praising good behaviour is beginning to pay off but it's bloody hard work.

I have personal experience of this, but no professional training.
It's something I have been acutely aware ever since I had my children (now 4 and 5).

I really try to make them feel valued. I am always telling them how proud I am of them, just for being them,and kissing and hugging them.
No pressure beyond the insistence that they try their absolute best. Facilitating their academic interests rather than trying to push them down a preferred path.
Allowing them to cry and express their feelings.
Listen to their concerns and take them seriously.
I don't mock them (obviously we aren't a joyless household, and we have plenty of laughs, but never cruel).
Never, ever refer to their bodies in a negative way (and don't allow them to use the word "fat" or similar when talking about others).
Always willing to facilitate their interests, unless it's something completely impossible and out of our price range.
Reinforce what healthy relationships look like, and make it clear that relationships don't always look the same. If they are gay/bi I do not want them to feel like coming out is an issue at all.
Bring them up without religion, so no fear of punishment, or God watching them (personal choice here, no offence intended to those who think differently).
Allow them to have friends and support friendships e.g. making children welcome in our house.
Absolutely no physical punishment for any reason, ever.
Making sure they do not fear me at all, but instilling manners and respect by example and repetition.
Making sure they know I've always got their backs, but empowering them to try new things.
Trying not to pass phobias onto them (this is really hard when it comes to spiders!!).
Ensuring they know there is no favourite child. Both are given loads of love and affection.
Giving them security and routine in home and school life.
I'm sure there's more, but I can't think!
I'm also sure there's loads I am doing incorrectly, but I am really trying my best and reflecting on what I see as the mistakes my parents made.

I was always told not to cry
Just a month ago someone I had loved deeply for 30 years died quickly and unexpectedly. I was told to just get over it and move on.
That was the pattern during childhood too.
I can tell you firsthand that it's not healthy.
My mum always reacts like this because it's a trauma response from her own upbringing.
There's no way I would do this to my kids.
Their feelings absolutely need to be validated.

What made me feel like that - having a selfish dad & a mum that clearly put his emotional wellbeing above everyone else in the house. Tip toeing around him to manage his moods took a lot of effort on her part & a consequence was that she wasn’t present for her children.
I have one vivid memory of trying to hug her, I don’t know how old I was but I must have been young as she’s short & I came up to her waist. She wriggled me off of her as she was busy doing something for him, like making dinner, I can’t remember but it wasn’t anything urgent.

Youre already breaking the cycle by being aware of it & consciously considering how you can do better.

My only advice would be to give your child lots of time, look at him when he speaks & show him lots of verbal encouragement & physical affection.

Left alone while parents went to the pub.
Never heard ‘I love you or I’m proud of you’.
Father mostly absent/came home drunk (nature of the job he did back in the day)
Teacher mother not interested in taking us anywhere in the holidays, didn’t even manage to get me to an orthodontist for braces in any of her time off (cost me £2K as an adult to fix a major overbite)

Interestingly, she claims I had a similar childhood to my cousins who were taken everywhere and have chosen to live within a couple of miles of their parents. I’m 5 hours away, my sibling emigrated. I was up last week and the cousins took me to a local stately home and couldn’t believe I’d never been, similarly to somewhere they took me last time. One of them tackled my mum about it and she said I could have taken myself-it’s middle of nowhere, I didn’t drive when I left home and internet hadn’t yet reached us!

To some extent, i parented my DC as I would like to have been parented myself, so the things that had caused my negative experiences, i made sure not to replicate.
The danger of that is that you may start to project, and reparent yourelf by proxy, so you do need to be careful.
So, the most important thing I did was to really learn them as people, watch them and read them and from as soon as they were old enough, encourage then to talk and to really listen. You can't meet needs unless you know what they are, and you can't meet them in the right way for an individual without knowing what that is, so its the single most important thing you can do Imo.

This is an interesting comment and a good example of black and white thinking. There are other options between the two extremes of ignoring a child's emotions and projecting your own feelings on to them; and not teaching them emotional resilience.

Mum never listened to me as there was always something more important. I often had to repeat myself several times only for her not to have listened anyway. We never had conversations and she was never affectionate - she only talked to me to tell me what to do / criticise and only touched me to hit me. But she was very different to my siblings (not much of an age difference) and my earliest memories (I was 5) was of feeling devastated that while I got smacked in the nose (and a massive nosebleed) for dropping a glass, my mum cuddled my sister (a year younger) and asked if she was okay.

So based on that I cuddle my son a lot. I truly listen to him and I try to uplift him and invest as much time and money in the things he enjoys as possible. We also have conversations. Proper ones.

I think you're going to be fine. My go to was to think what did my mother do and then be the opposite of that

The lack of conversation was a huge thing for me @Ozanj . I remember the only time my mum properly heard me was in the car … I guess because she was stuck next to me! But other times she would be doing other things. Never just actually sat and listened and talked and gave me that time. I have always felt on the clock. It was a horrible feeling and I never ever want my son to think he has a minor time slot between my more important tasks

You are interpreting the mothers tears as an empathic response to her upset child. It could also be, that the mother's upset was because she didn't want the child causing a scene or inconveniencing her.

@GreenTeaLikesMe she definitely cared. But ignoring and invalidating a child’s negative emotions is hugely damaging. It means as an adult you do not know how to communicate or manage negative feelings in a healthy way.