If you felt abandoned/emotionally neglected as a child, what made you feel that? Desperate not to make these mistakes with my son

[Abandoneddmenet]

I have huge abandonment issues. They run far deeper than I ever knew. I find it painful to think back to childhood as it was overall a feeling of being very scared and lost. Despite having everything material you could possibly think of.

I don’t want to make the same mistakes with my son. How do you make a child feel safe? I don’t know how to avoid the same thing happening as I don’t know any better. Please help if you can, he is only 3 but I am worried I am already getting it wrong.

If the mum cried the child would have interpreted it as- by telling my mum my problems I made her cry. It's about the mum being unable to regulate rather than empathy.

@Prenelope yes that’s it and if I am honest I massively struggle with regulation of emotions. How do people do it?

I would also recommend, if it helps you, repeating affirmations to your child at bedtime. I've found it really healing for me, I say to them "you are strong, you are kind, you are clever. I will love you no matter what. Nightnight" last thing each night. I want them to internalise this always, to know that's how I see them and who they are regsrdless of day to day events.
I think my family assumed a lot but never stated things overtly, so I always questioned if I was clever etc. Or thought their approval was conditional upon achievement. I also always felt, as a girl, that I "had" to be beautiful, like that was the main goal. I want my daughters to know I value other things in them.

You could think of three things for your son. Either way, well done for wanting to break the cycle and parent differently.

It is very hard! But being emotionally mature is a fantastic gift to give a child.

Sit and think about your emotions in a quiet moment when you are alone. Don't do this with your phone/food/alcohol. Think 'why did I feel this way?". Be compassionate to that little part of you that didn't get what you needed when you were small. Try and let your ds have his own emotions. Let him know you see his emotions but model being calm and listening.

It's easier said than done and takes a lot of work. The main thing is to be compassionate to yourself. If you can find a low cost counselling service it might help you to process things from your childhood and help you parent as you are now. Good luck.

“Ignoring or invalidating a child’s negative emotions is hugely damaging” sounds on the surface like a reasonable statement, but what kind of negative emotions are we talking about and are they always valid?

Some kids complain a lot about normal things, want everything they can see, nothing’s ever “fair.” Increasingly, I see parenting styles where every whine or moan prompts some kind of therapy-speak conversation about BIG FEELINGS and the child is essentially being encouraged to wallow in negativity and think of themselves as hard done by. With my own kids, I’d tell them to pipe down, life isn’t always easy, and so on.

I’m not talking about situations like someone telling a child not to grieve because someone they love has died (an example someone has cited upthread). However, I think the idea that you don’t do that kind of thing to children is common sense, not something that requires a whole thread of discussion.

After the damage my DM did to me I was worried with my DS. What I did was the opposite of her. He knew he was important, valued and his feelings were valid. He has always known that he comes first with me and I act on it. I'm the same with my DSD. They can always come to me.

I'm in the process of unpicking what that old bitch did to me and I'm in the middle of an awful time now. What has dawned on me is that someone treats me badly I immediately feel shame instead of anger and I try to unpick why they did so. Because with her whatever happened was my fault and if I did ever go to her she made things worse.

Like a poster up thread said it's no accident to be like this, it's deliberate. My DM was deliberately cruel, spiteful and selfish.

I can relate to this. My parents weren’t abusive or neglectful and my mum was a very kind person but she was very emotionally dishonest.

She was in an unhappy marriage and was a master in glossing over things and never saying what she really thought or talking about anything deep or important: it was all just surface pleasantries. It left me with the persistent feeling that I didn’t have a clue who she was and it led me to have a lot of problems with how I saw myself.

The one thing I am committed to doing with my daughter, other than the basics of providing a stable home, showing up and loving her, is to be as open as possible with her: to never make her feel uncomfortable about talking about something or that anything is “off limits”.

Sympathy.
I learned not to hate myself, though, but my parents and the whole "silent generation" of my country of origin, who were rotten bastards.
"You get as much love as you give" goes very much to my remaining parent.
All the best and yourself first!

My parents were very stressed when we were growing up for a number of reasons - financial, work-wise, caring for elderly relatives. We never felt like we could ask for anything (not enough money) and we never felt that it was ok not to be "ok" (not enough time or emotional bandwidth to sort out any issues we might have). So my siblings and I learned not to rock the boat and to internalise everything rather than asking for help and we're all still feeling the effects of this in different ways to this day.

We did on the other hand know that they cared about us and that they'd made a number of sacrifices to give us the best life they could. We've all kind of reached the conclusion that they did the best they could with the resources they had and the challenges they faced, so we actually have a fairly good relationship with them nowadays.

It helps that a lot of the pressures which they faced disappeared as we grew into adulthood (elderly relatives died, more money, debts paid). They are really very good, involved and emotionally present grandparents.

My mum was always obsessed With what people thought and what we looked like. I mean who cares?!? As long as kids aren't dirty why would anyone care?

And my mum would cause world war 3 wherever we went. Turning her nose up and shouting at shop assistants and cafe staff. Everything was the end of the world and if 1 thing went wrong omg

Yes I can relate to this. I think the fact that you are asking yourself these questions and thinking about your parenting really reflects well on you..you are trying hard not to let history repeat itself.

Actively be there and present, listen to them (even the nonsense stuff, no matter how mind numbing it is) , allow them to be and just be themselves.

My mother often recounted the story of how devastated she was to find herself pregnant with me (I cannot blame her: she had a small baby at home).
I was sent to boarding school at 11 and then long residential summer camps (my mother didn't work). She often says she should not have had children.
For all that she and my father have been very dutiful and supportive in many ways just emotionally unavailable. DM also says she doubted her parenting decisions often.
It's only when I meet others who are my generation and their parents delight in their company that I realise what I missed.

Wrt my own children, I put them first, treasured them and assured them they were loved and wanted. Encouraged them and supported them. I breastfed and stayed home til they were established at school. I did everything by the book but fellow parents who were a bit more relaxed and distant have produced dc more resilient than mine.

My eldest is an adult who takes from me and never ever asks how I am and rarely thanks me. He would never choose to spend time with his parents and in hindsight I think failed him as much as my parents failed me. He also has many issues in spite of my efforts.

Imo it's a difficult situation and there are no guarantees you're doing the right thing for the particular personalities of your children

The example given was that a parent got upset about a child getting upset.

As a child, if whenever you get upset, your parents' reaction is "STOP BEING UPSET. I CAN'T COPE WITH YOU CRYING. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?" (makes a massive fuss)....

The parent is making it entirely about themselves and has no empathy for the child. The child's reaction is likely going to be to repress their emotions and not learn to cope with them or confront them. And also an unhealthy dynamic of caring for their parent and tiptoeing around their emotions.

You don't see a problem with this?

This isn't 'endlessly validating children's emotions'. This is basic empathy and supporting a child to navigate their emotions, understanding and labelling them, without making it about yourself. Many parents are appallingly bad at this, and the result is children who cannot regulate their emotions.

I was severely abused as a child teen and young adult by my mother. I too had material things so when I look back I see a childhood full of toys but no love (and no specific toys I ever asked for I used to beg for the same thing each Xmas never got it) but was bought every other toy that existed almost as if she was saying ‘I have money for all of it but just not the one thing you want’

The abuse became physical. It was awful.

I look back at it now and I’m shocked now that I have my own dc how a mother can do that to her child , I basically do the opposite of everything she did! To me it’s that simple. I used to overthink and overanalyse everything as I was so worried I’d get it wrong but my awful experience although damaging to me has given me insight. The fact I used to get so upset trying to work out how she could have been so cruel and not understanding it now shows me how my character is so good because I can’t comprehend how anyone could behave that like and I can’t make sense of it because I’m not like that.

A couple of things from my own relationship with my Mum. She wasn’t abusive or that bad, but during my teens I felt unloved and I still feel she doesn’t actually like me that much.

• be really careful how much you tease. I see now it’s Mum’s way of showing affection but when I was a child I thought she found me inherently ridiculous and amusing. I just stopped telling her stuff so she wouldn’t tease about it.
• be proud of your kid, especially if they’re good at something. I was clever/good at school but my parents were so worried I’d become big headed that they never seemed pleased when I did well, just said “well you should do well because you’re clever”. When I got into Oxford I called one of my teachers first because I knew she’d be pleased about it.
• allow yourself to be wrong. My Mum has to be right and everyone else has to agree that she’s right. If I thought she wouldn’t agree with me, I just stopped discussing things with her because there was no point.

Hi,

you are already doing BRILLIANTLY because you are thinking about how to make your child feel secure.

Trust your instincts. You're doing a fantastic job.

You sound lovely ; I hope you feel appreciated by those in your life now x

The important thing is never, ever to lose communication. Talk to your son, laugh with him, read to him, end the day snuggled in bed making up silly limericks. Let him go to sleep every night feeling treasured. Set firm boundaries and explain them. I had emotionally unavailable parents, and a verbally abusive, violent mother. She destroyed the three of us siblings. Several years ago I saw a hyponotherapist on the advice of a MH nurse friend. To this day I do not remember anything of the session, or even DH driving me home. I was shattered and slept for 15 hours following it. I saw the therapist the next day as my nurse friend was quite worried about my reaction. The therapist said she would not disclose what I had said under hypnosis, because it was terribly disturbing. I asked her if it was my mother, and she nodded briefly, looking sad. I still feel sick remembering it. What mothers can inflict upon their children is horrendous. Just cherish him, but let him know that there are boundaries.

@Darkmodess @ladygindiva thank you I appreciate that.

You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child ❤️

Right - but the idea of being a parent is that you don't put your own shit onto your kids. You deal with your own emotions and do what is needed to support them.
It's fucked up to make it all about you when your child is upset, even if that does make you sad.
You deal with your own stuff yourself, and focus on them and how they are feeling.

No that’s right. That’s how I feel inside but they’d never know x