If you felt abandoned/emotionally neglected as a child, what made you feel that? Desperate not to make these mistakes with my son

[Abandoneddmenet]

I have huge abandonment issues. They run far deeper than I ever knew. I find it painful to think back to childhood as it was overall a feeling of being very scared and lost. Despite having everything material you could possibly think of.

I don’t want to make the same mistakes with my son. How do you make a child feel safe? I don’t know how to avoid the same thing happening as I don’t know any better. Please help if you can, he is only 3 but I am worried I am already getting it wrong.

I was very damaged by my childhood and never felt wanted or valued.
I was determined to do better for my son and help him feel valued and confident in himself.
I told him every day how much I loved him. I made sure I praised him, I gave him my time and showed interest in his life.
Despite bring naturally quiet he has grown up confident in himself and he knows his own worth.
I think that showing your child they are loved and they are important to you is what gives them confidence in themselves and their own ability to cope with life.

@Everyoneisdifferent thank you ❤️ I am so scared I am making the same mistakes. I know my parents meant to do their best so I can see how easily it can go wrong. I feel like I am not recovered from the issues I have and that it will inevitably tip into him and his life.

Have you considered therapy OP? The research indicates that mothers won't pass on any childhood trauma they themselves suffered if they have the capacity to reflect on it. It sounds like you're already doing that. Therapy could enhance the process

@Newnamesameoldlurker i had it briefly a few years ago and it was great but also draining. I don’t have the money or the emotional strength to do it now I don’t think :(

I would recommend a book called The Power of Showing Up.

I felt quite the opposite of this and I think what my mum got right was that she always made time for us and always listened to us and believed us and never tried to make us be anything other than who we are.

i can tell you care just from your post. You are showing your love with the effort you’re making to avoid the mistakes of your parents. I was emotionally neglected but materially spoiled as a child. My parents were disinterested and used money to substitute for their affection and interest.
you won’t make these mistakes. You’ve got this. X

OK, first off - it takes a kind of effort to make a child feel neglected and abandoned. The very fact you are concerned about this and mindful of it means you will not be doing it, I promise.

Children are resilient - please don't worry that one-off things that happen will cause some kind of 'damage'. You don't need to be a perfect parent, only 'good enough' and I'm sorry that it sounds like you parents weren't mindful of how their behaviours affected you.

As people have said, showing that you care is important and I am sure you are doing that.

Thank you for the words of support. I know my parents didn’t mean it and I feel terrible even mentioning it on a forum like this, even if it is anonymous! I keep thinking of how I felt as a child and it has marked all my relationships throughout my life. I’ve never had a successful romantic relationship and always always feel comfortable with someone who is indifferent to me. It’s shit.

My mum is lovely and ‘nice’ but so emotionally unavailable. She is not affectionate or overtly loving imo and never any good at talking about anything - all of her replies are neutral and minimal. I think I’ve missed her all my life tbh and I’ve always been very jealous of friends who are ‘best friends’ with their mum. Mine makes me feel lonely. So I’d say be open, be communicative, talk talk talk about anything and everything- just be there and be emotionally available. You sound very caring and the fact you’re here asking this & aware shows you are x

I agree that your awareness of this means you are much less likely to be doing it. Nicole Lepera (aka the Holistic Psychologist) has great resources on this in her books and for free on social media. Also Philippa Perry, "The Book you wish your parents had read"
I think these would help you separate what your parents did to you from your own parenting and relieve some of your distress. It sounds really hard x

I was told to go to my room / go play / go outside whenever I approached my parents.
If I was upset about anything, I was told to stop whining or they made a joke of it. I was hit by a car aged 12 and had to wear a neck brace for a month, and on several occasions my dinner plate was put on the floor instead of the table to make a joke about me having to wear a collar.
No-one expressed interest in me, my friends, my education-even in my exams (although happily bragged to their friends and family about my results)
my parents made me responsible for their feelings, the only time they wanted to speak to me was to offload their own bad moods or to complain about each other.
I was just a third resident in their house, who they were obligated to feed and clothe.

Really op if you are asking how can I avoid emotionally neglecting my child, I think it is likely you wont! Make sure you give them space to express their feelings, without diminishing them, and show them you care about their time, their interests

I feel for you OP. I have attachment disorder as a result of my mum's very absent/emotionally abusive parenting and like you was desperate not to make the same mistakes with my kids.

My DD is an adult now and I've found honesty to have been the best tool I had. My parenting of her hasn't been perfect and I have done damage but the important thing (I believe) has been owning that - I've been open with her about my damage and shortcomings and I've owned the damage I've passed on.

I really struggle with both physical and verbal affection towards my kids as they get older - I was fine when they were little but the older they get, the more I withdraw. DD knows this and understands that it isn't about her, it's about me.

You won't ever be perfect - no parent is, regardless of how perfect their own childhood was. But be honest and open and accepting of yourself as well as your kids and that'll go a long way.

Btw totally agree with @babyproblems . I personally am very open emotionally with my DC. If I'm sad, angry, whatever I will say so. They know anyway but this teaches them names for emotions and helps them see that we get through emotions they don't last forever. I m interested in their emotions and experiences. I say coping phrases like "this feeling will end", "I'm here for you" etc. I never minimise anything even when I suspect it could be for attention. I always listen and say "you can tell me anything and we'll figure it out". Stuff like that.
Watch for when your abandonment issues get triggered. Does your son trigger any of these feelings? Or do you get triggered at the thought of him being abandoned? I think you could do with some support for yourself.

What was it that was missing for you as a child OP?

I have had a recent realisation about this. I was fully supported by my parents if they could spend some money/give me money to make the problem go away if I needed them to do something, say something, take me somewhere I was on my own.

I guess it solved itself really in terms of not doing the same to my kids as I cant afford to parent the way they did. Instead I can actually BE there for them.

I always felt neglected & unwanted. DM didn't want to parent, so we were just ignored while she socialised (DB wasn't ignored by DF though). No affection. I learnt to never ask her for anything. She whined about coming to my high school graduation (missed a gym session) and DF didn't bother. Ironically they're completely different with my DC. Can't get enough (although won't do anything to help out).

I am a crap mum at times. I've struggled. I've had massive fails. But, I always show up. Always put my phone down & listen, play games, give cuddles, say I love you. Its not about fancy things, just being wanted & not made to feel like an inconvenience.

I didn't feel listened to and I was very clever and felt rightly or wrongly and I'm not entirely sure anyone really did this to me, that it was a huge part of my identity so attention and love was conditional on being smart. Nobody ever said it but nobody ever reassured me that it didn't matter either. My main thing was not being listened to, being told I'm too sensitive, feeling incredibly misunderstood. I hold no bad feeling as I know my parents were young, did their best with what tools they had and had a lot to deal with as my sister went really off the rails, but none the less I try and listen to every little thing dd wants to tell me.

I am in the same position. On the outside, I had a nice childhood but it's left me with a lifetime of emotional baggage and enduring mental health issues (ditto, my brother).

For me, the most important thing is to let my DS know that he's loved unconditionally - I tell him daily and make sure to give him a lot of cuddles when needed (he's 5 so sometimes a cuddle with mummy is the last thing he wants!). One of the main issues in my childhood was that my mum didn't seem to acknowledge or let me have emotions - if I was sad/angry/scared, she'd snap at me rather than trying to understand or tell me that it's okay to have feelings. I try very hard to let DS know that it's okay to be sad sometimes.

I made the choice to only have one child. Having been lost in a large family when I was a child, it was one thing I could change when it was my chance to parent. So far it seems to be working out okay for all of us.

Oh wow. ‘I’ve missed her all my life’ 💔 that hit home! Mine sounds very much like yours. Ugh.

I was never EVER told I was loved, ever, not even when I did well in exams, got married, birthed their grandchildren etc. I’m just meant to ‘know’ apparently. But I was never hugged either, so not many signed they love me from their behaviour either tbh! So OP I make sure to hug and kiss and verbalise my love for my kids every single day, spend loads of time playing and listening to them at bedtime, away from the jobs of the day. From toddlerhood I’ve listened to and not dismissed their feelings. I always felt so dismissed as a kid, still do.

It’s hard OP. The fact you’re thinking about it shows you’re ahead of masses (sadly!).

Read about emotion coaching

My dad was always at work, never interested in us and nothing I ever did was good enough (ie exam results at 98% not 100%)
My mum lacked the self awareness to stop her own issues affecting her so I picked up on them too, had anxiety and disordered eating as a result. She never spent quality time with me or did anything just for the joy of my company. She was stressed as a parent and angry and she made me feel that every day in the way she spoke and behaved to me. She threatened to put me in care so I would behave and I believed her. She was never consistent or loving or truly kind, she has no interest in me or my life now either.
Materially I had things I needed but even now my parents won't accept they could have done things differently.

I think the key thing is ask questions. Show interest in your dc. Get them talking. Through each conversation progress is made.
Saying I love you is not enough and eventually the words seem hollow. Show it with your questions and interest. Spend the time.

I think one thing I was never really told was that my mum was proud of me.

I'm very aware that I now find it difficult to say these things to my children. Like there is a block on me because of it. Sometimes I think wonderful things about them but it's the actual saying it that I struggle with.

I feel like I never knew my mum if that makes sense. I'd try to talk to her and she'd shut me down so I stopped. She was not interested in us. I think she regretted children. Everything is very civil and fake tbh.
I'm not a great mum and it's a failing in me I know