Would you be happy with this?

[Notadoormat4]

DH bought me an expensive present at Christmas. I was very grateful but didn't particularly need it, I get the same equipment from my workplace. Now I need to get it insured in order to use it in the workplace.

I had asked for a few bits that I needed and could've been bought from one shop. Wouldn't have cost more than £30/£40.

He then announced because it was so expensive I wouldn't be receiving any gifts for the next two years for anything - my birthday, Mother's Day, anniversary, Christmas.

We have children.

YABU - he's fine with what he's done
YANBU - he's being incredibly unfair

It sounds like he doesn’t care about you very much. My husband and I don’t always exchange gifts but we talk about it and decide together and in general he listens to me and I feel cared about. This ‘gift’ from him that he feels is a licence not to do something nice for you for 2 years sounds horrible. Even if you’d wanted it and agreed about the money, he should be showing he cares, eg making/buying you a birthday cake, taking you out, getting you an inexpensive token (& helping the children make you presents).

Is he normally should an a**hole?
I think giving it back to him as a present is a great idea.
Then if he says he didn’t ask or want it you can reply, neither did you.
As for Mother’s Day, plan something nice for yourself to avoid the imminent disappointment.

Am I the only one dying to know what it is?
Can get it from your workplace but need to insure it to use it at workplace if not from them, laptop maybe? Phone? Car if you have a work vehicle?

I'd be thrilled to get work items for Christmas/birthday, safety shoes, geiger counters, overalls, high vis equipment and ear defenders are all provided by my employer but they're crap. Only decent item they give us is hair nets and they are single use anyway (I work in a food production factory)

He asked you and you said you didn't want said item, yet he got you it anyway, so he either ignored your wishes and is a dick or he didn't care what you wanted and is again a dick. Give yourself the gift of a divorce this Christmas.

That's a good idea.

What a mean, horrible man.

Sell it and spend the money on a divorce. You can start it online for just under £600. Go and be happy.

Is there any chance he could just be kidding? I got DP some extortionate gig tickets for his birthday this year and jokingly said “you’re not getting anything for the next 5 years now!”

Is it a laptop?
If so I'd start buying my own presents.

What a shitehawk, is he always this much of a prick?

why didn't you just tell him to return it, then and there, at his earliest opportunity.

I wouldn't have accepted a gift i had explicitly turned down

Yes it is a laptop. I work, yes but we don't share finances. Annoyingly, work did announce in July that there may be scope to buy the same laptop for those in need.

He isn't kidding. I received it Christmas 2023. I've already had nothing for my birthday, mother's day or our anniversary.

It couldn't be returned as it wasn't faulty, the length of time between buying and Christmas deemed it unreturnable.

I have been using it as I'm not wasting it. It didn't occur to me that it wasn't "normal" until my sister asked me what I had received for my birthday.

buy something for yourself with your own money. Buy him something he doesn't want for Christmas and tell him it will be like this until he grows the fuck up and listens to you.

Fuck that. I would buy myself something lovely and completely unnecessary every bloody anniversary, birthday, Christmas, Halloween, first day of term...you get the picture!

And nothing for him, ever.

Speak to him v directly and clearly.
"I told you I didn't want laptop, but you bought it anyway. Now you tell me you dont want to buy me any orher gifts. I feel you cant be arsed making me happy, and that you dont bother listening to me."

"Lets stop doing gifts as its not making either of us happy".

I think its particularly awful that he can't be arsed with mothers day. That's for the kids

The point of presents is to show your appreciation for people. It's very transactional and dismissive to waive away multiple occasions because of one thing the recipient didn't even want. I actually prefer smaller presents from most people, including DH, because it is quite hit and miss with presents and a waste of money sometimes but I appreciate opening something on a special day. In your situation I'd probably just treat myself on these occasions and tell DH not to bother with any presents after his 2-year timeframe because he obviously just doesn't want to do them.

@Notadoormat4
Sorry forgot to add - he did ask if I wanted this and I said no thank you........

he's out of order ......( but you know that already)

because it was so expensive I wouldn't be receiving any gifts for the next two years for anything - my birthday, Mother's Day, anniversary, Christmas

he's even more out of order ....... (but you know that already)

bergamotorange
gift it back to him at Christmas and buy yourself something nice.

....... this is perfect!

TheFlis
Is the expensive present something that also benefits him by any chance?
@Notadoormat4 No, only that he doesn't haven't to think about gifts for the next two years

...... you've nailed it!

You know he's being totally unreasonable, mean and SO unappreciative of you ............ I hope you have a suitable revenge planned!!?

Next Christmas buy yourself a present instead of him.

Better still give yourself the best Christmas present ever and LTB.

He's being completely unreasonable

IF it was something you really wanted and had asked for and he'd said at the time that he'd get it for you but it would be two years worth of presents or whatever then maybe, but you've said that's not the case

The no Mother's Day presents would still be unreasonable as they're from the children and it doesn't cost much to get them to make a card or buy a bunch of daffs!

I would probably have asked him to change it

I'd tell him to stick the 'gift' where the sun dont shine!

Don't mean to derail thread, but I'm rather concerned that Geiger counters are standard issue in a food production factory!? Just - why?!

It is, at best, lazy present buying. Something you don't want or need but easy for him to splash the cash on.

Worse, it is manipulative. Did you not show enough humble gratitude? Were you not telling your friends and family how amazing he had been to buy you this extravagant unwanted gift? Is he now punishing you for your lack for gratitude? Or is he just a lazy arse?

No , he's an arse . Who does that .

There is nothing about his purchase of an unwanted piece of equipment and his handing it to you in exchange for not having to acknowledge you on any other occasion that fits most people's understanding of 'gift'. A gift is given as a token of affection, and is intended to please the recipient. This was clearly not the intention here, so you have recieved nothing you should be grateful for.

I just accepted what he said because of the cost of it but didn't think he wouldn't get anything for other occasions. As it got closer, he just reminded me not to expect anything as agreed.

Interestingly, I did buy what he asked for and he hasn't used it once. He has thrown it in my face once and I did say you're more than welcome to take it back. I am going to suggest no gifts going forward.

I'm generally quite easy to please and don't ever ask for things over a certain amount. I think he wanted to please me but it made me feel uncomfortable receiving it.