Huge row with DH over food safety - who is BU?

[namechange294824]

NC'ed on the off chance this is outing!

DH and I are both 34. We've been in the process of moving house over the past 2 months, and are finally in a position to have guests in the house (i.e. we have a dining table and chairs). Moving hasn't been without its challenges and there have been some really stressful bits, but on the whole it's been fairly straightforward, and we don't have kids.

Invited DH's parents (mid/late 60s) to dinner on Tuesday night. I offered to cook. I prepared a starter, a main, and a dessert on Monday night, ready to go in the fridge for ease of serving quickly on Tuesday (I was going to be getting in from work only 20 mins or so before they arrived so it made sense to pre-prepare.) I spent 3.5 hours cooking/baking on Monday, which wiped out my entire post-work evening. No drama; I'd offered to do it, and I enjoy cooking.

But throughout this 3.5 hours DH could not help himself from repeatedly putting his head round the door and being critical - why hadn't I done X? Was I going to bother putting Y in the bin or is it going to be left on the side forever? So on, so forth. I asked him to stop, and he didn't. He probably whinged at me 5 times about separate trivial things whilst I was cooking.

The main dish needed a long while in the oven. It was 9.15pm at this point and he had totally exhausted me with his bitching and griping. I told him I just wanted to shower and go to bed and asked him to take the food out of the oven once the timer went off, which would have been at 10pm.

He did that. But he then failed to put it in the fridge, leaving it out overnight on the countertop. He was watching telly until about midnight, well after the point it would have cooled enough to go in the fridge.

I was so furious in the morning that after a night of whinging and sniping at me he'd not even had the thought to properly put away the food I'd spent so long cooking.

His position: the food's fine, it had foil on it anyway, just crack on and serve it tonight

My position: it's a meat dish (with pork in) and I don't feel comfortable serving it to his parents who are in their 60s after it's been left out overnight in the middle of August

He cancelled the dinner plans, and told his mum it was because we'd had an argument (which we had, I guess, but now I feel really humiliated and almost ashamed that their evening was spoiled because of us).

So... who is BU?

I would have eaten it, and I'm in my 60s.

What I would have a problem with is cooked rice for guests, but having said that I did cook a rice dish for supper last Thursday, ate leftovers on Friday and Sunday and survived!

stop being embarrassed by someone else’s mistake. Call up your MIL and make fun of your DH. Its not a big deal that the meal was cancelled. Im in my 60’s snd I can assure you his parents will survive a cancelled meal! But there is no reason for you to accept the blame when he carelessly snd rudely ruined your meal.

Ha ha! True. Poor choice of words on my part. I was trying to covey that a 60 year old may not have the same digestive system as a 20 year old. As we get older it is harder to digest things that previously we wouldn’t have noticed.

FFS, the ageism is really offensive. I'm in my 60s, still working, paying income tax, going on holidays and training to walk the Annapurna Circuit in a few months. Please don't mistake me for someone whose physical condition/ needs are such that they require accommodation in a care home.

YABU for asserting the food wasn't edible.

He's BU for cancelling on his parents and sharing that you had an argument.

If my husband had kept sticking his head round the door telling me how to cook the left out food would only have been a tiny part of the row we had!!

I’d have served it, it would be fine.

You both sound exhausted. No wonder you’ve been arguing!

Well, moist heat at 121C sterilises in 20 minutes, so my guess is zero.

There are thermopiles of course but they aren’t going to be in your kitchen, and even if they were they are going to consider a warmish casserole and human body temperature a bit chilly.

InSpainTheRain
I wouldn't serve a meal that was left out overnight. Foil obviously doesnt stop bacteria multiplying.

You've cooked the meat at a minimum of 170C for two-three hours, killing all the bacteria. You've then put the meat, still under its foil seal, to cool for a few hours. Where are the bacteria going to come from?

YANBU.

Sounds like he was deliberately trying to sabotage you. Next time you see in-laws invite them round again and tell them dh is cooking!

I do also agree with PPs that the odds of us all surviving the meal without contracting botulism were high, but once the thought of multiplying bacteria and violent D&V gets into your head, it does kill any and all desire and appetite! (Or it does me, anyway). That’s why I binned the dish, though DH was welcome to it. He didn’t protest too much..

Sorry but he sounds like right fucking wanker…. He’s a child! Then to go and tell his mother! 🤨

More than 2 hours is too long to leave out whatever the meat.

In fairness, it's not until you've reached your 60s yourself that you realise it isn't actually that old.

Well, moist heat at 121C sterilises in 20 minutes, so my guess is zero
An autoclave also increases the pressure but we have a lot of data about various approaches to sterilization with regard to time and temperature. I would regard something that was in an oven for a few hours at standard cooking temperatures as basically sterile.
I know all about thermophiles @SnakesAndArrows :) although I don't currently work with them.

I think sometimes "overnight" seems like a huge unknowable amount of time, psychologically, but if someone cooked something at 10am, intended to put it in the fridge at 12 noon, forgot for a bit and instead put it in the fridge at 7pm, then that would seem more acceptable than this magical concept of "overnight". But it's exactly the same amount of time. I'd still have eaten it - but I also think your DH was still being both incompetent and rude.

He was very unreasonable for canceling and citing argument as a reason. He was also very wrong about meat dish left overnight.
However it wasn’t obvious if you left him specific instructions plus it’s easy to forget when you were out of the kitchen even after you been cooking. It happened at ours a few times. The only way I would trust that my DH would remember in this situation if he stayed in the kitchen doing something.

Why was he pestering you while you were cooking? He could have helped you or could have done something else. It’s like he was annoyed that his parents were coming or that you would take all brownie points by your cooking or he didn’t like you being focused on something else instead of him?
His behaviour was so childish from start to finish.

I would make it abundantly clear to him now that I was never, ever cooking for
'his' guests again and that if he wanted his parents or friends over then he was doing the cooking.

This was my reaction. I’ve learned from this thread that I’m extremely relaxed about food being left out 😂 That said, I do live in a freezing Victorian house in Scotland so there is no risk of the kitchen ever being warm…

I must admit I routinely eat food left out covered all night but we're plant based and I heat it ferociously the next day. I'd NEVER serve it to a guest though.

You both sound a pair of drama llamas with this fuss over having people to dinner.🤷‍♀️

I'd have eaten it but I've a cast iron stomach. Not sure if I'd serve it to guests though, especially elderly vulnerable.

I heartily agree. What nonsense, how wasteful, that you would discard the food.

Also your DH should lay off the nagging.

I suspect the real issue was how tense both of you were about having them over. Ask them back and be grown ups FGS