Huge row with DH over food safety - who is BU?

[namechange294824]

NC'ed on the off chance this is outing!

DH and I are both 34. We've been in the process of moving house over the past 2 months, and are finally in a position to have guests in the house (i.e. we have a dining table and chairs). Moving hasn't been without its challenges and there have been some really stressful bits, but on the whole it's been fairly straightforward, and we don't have kids.

Invited DH's parents (mid/late 60s) to dinner on Tuesday night. I offered to cook. I prepared a starter, a main, and a dessert on Monday night, ready to go in the fridge for ease of serving quickly on Tuesday (I was going to be getting in from work only 20 mins or so before they arrived so it made sense to pre-prepare.) I spent 3.5 hours cooking/baking on Monday, which wiped out my entire post-work evening. No drama; I'd offered to do it, and I enjoy cooking.

But throughout this 3.5 hours DH could not help himself from repeatedly putting his head round the door and being critical - why hadn't I done X? Was I going to bother putting Y in the bin or is it going to be left on the side forever? So on, so forth. I asked him to stop, and he didn't. He probably whinged at me 5 times about separate trivial things whilst I was cooking.

The main dish needed a long while in the oven. It was 9.15pm at this point and he had totally exhausted me with his bitching and griping. I told him I just wanted to shower and go to bed and asked him to take the food out of the oven once the timer went off, which would have been at 10pm.

He did that. But he then failed to put it in the fridge, leaving it out overnight on the countertop. He was watching telly until about midnight, well after the point it would have cooled enough to go in the fridge.

I was so furious in the morning that after a night of whinging and sniping at me he'd not even had the thought to properly put away the food I'd spent so long cooking.

His position: the food's fine, it had foil on it anyway, just crack on and serve it tonight

My position: it's a meat dish (with pork in) and I don't feel comfortable serving it to his parents who are in their 60s after it's been left out overnight in the middle of August

He cancelled the dinner plans, and told his mum it was because we'd had an argument (which we had, I guess, but now I feel really humiliated and almost ashamed that their evening was spoiled because of us).

So... who is BU?

OMG he is being dangerously unreasonable. Foil doesn’t stop bacteria multiplying - he needs to go back to school

Was there a reason you were cooking not him?

I wouldn't serve a dish that had been left out overnight to anyone

Equally surely a decent ready meal or similar (Cook meal or something) was the solution when the first dish was ruined? Cancelling was other the top

I wouldn't have eaten it but would have got a Cook meal / M&S dish / takeaway for you all instead.

It was a shame to cancel due to the stresses of your situation, you both could have found a way round.

I would have put in the fridge in the morning and eaten it. Especially if it hadn’t come out the oven until 10pm. But then I’ve done it before and never been sick.

Pork can be very problematic - I would have binned it and served something else. He needs to learn some basic food hygiene.

I would have done the same as you. If he wants to risk eating it then guess what he is having for his tea tonight and tomorrow 😉

Next time don't offer to cook even though you enjoy cooking. The surrounding stress of him interfering and "sabotaging " is not worth it. One question though - is this a one off because he wanted perfection for his parents first visit, or does he normally interfere with things you do, eg diy or gardening (not cleaning or laundry as that isn't noticed by outsiders/neighbours).

You're both being unreasonable.

He's BU for bitching and having a go at you when you were doing something kind for his parents.

You are BU for being annoyed with him for not putting it in the fridge, if you didn't give him instructions to do so.

You're both being unreasonable for cancelling and him moreso for telling them it was because of an argument.

I'd want a pork dish to be in the fridge too, for the record.

I wouldn't eat meat I had left out all night. Or I might possibly eat it myself but I definitely wouldn't serve it to anyone else.

If he was only watching TV why didn’t he do the things he was griping at you about?
Obviously you couldn’t serve the food. But it’s his view that you should be doing everything, and that his role is to nag you, that’s more concerning.

I wouldn’t think it would be fully cool within two hours so would have left it covered on the side overnight.

I'd have eaten it without a second thought! (if it had been refrigerated all day, having been put in when you got up in the morning). But cancelling for that reason is bonkers.

You were correct it could not be served to guests (honestly it needs binning). Why on earth didn’t he apologise and find a solution? A reasonable person would have made everything their problem having been such a dick. If he had done that his exhausted wife might have felt loved and cared for. As for telling his parents you’ve “had a row”!!! How utterly unattractive. Go out with friends tonight and see if you really like him later in the week.

A grown adult shouldnt need to tell another grown adult (unless they have severe SEN or dementia I guess) that meat needs to be stored in the fridge

I think I'm honestly more upset that he cancelled and made the reason known to his mum than I am about the wasted time and effort of cooking it all, and his being such a drama queen the entire night! I've just been left feeling embarrassed.

I would have eaten it though having googled it it seems like 2hrs is the limit to leave food out

You asked him to take it out of the oven and he did. I would have just stuck it in the fridge in the morning and made surely it was hot through before serving. As long as its not really hot in your house overnight then it would have been fine.
I would also be annoyed at your dh for the dickish comments. If someone's not helping then they don't get to criticise (apart from major safety concerns).

He does have form for moaning and being petulant although usually nips it in the bud when I point out that he's doing it. He acknowledges it's an issue. No idea why he was so hellbent on carrying it on that evening, but he's remorseful (ish) now.

I wouldn’t serve it to guests. He should have cooked something or picked up something quick to serve instead. And apologised profusely.

It’s mental to cancel and tell them it’s because you had an argument - that will make it sound like you don’t want them coming over.

I can’t think of any explanation for his behaviour other than he has some kind of chip on his shoulder about not being good enough for his parents (even then he shouldn’t take it out on you).

I'd have left it overnight to cool and fridged it in the morning.

Why are you doing all the cooking for his parents whilst you are sat on his butt anyway?

I’d have done this.

That said he could have sorted out a main dish and not cancelled and he certainly didn’t need to tattle tale to his mummy. What a child. Next time leave him do the hard work, he wasn’t appreciative of your efforts to host his parents.

I would have just put it in the fridge in the morning.

However, the whole process seems so unnecessarily fraught - from both of you. A dinner shouldn't involve this much drama. It feels like there are bigger issues under the surface.

Pork is no more problematic than other meats, especially if it was fully cooked to start with. (tapeworms etc are no longer a problem for uk produced pork or pork products.) And the PP who said it could not have gone into the fridge directly after coming out of the oven is right. Bacteria would not start growing until the dish was significantly cooler.
If the dish is refrigerated first thing in the morning and reheated very thoroughly before serving it will be fine.

no it would have been fine, it would have spent the day in the fridge, you get home and reheat it.

Choosing to eat it himself is fine. He can take the risk if he wants.

Serving it to others would be completely unacceptable.

older people are at higher risk from food poisoning. Other guests might have their own risk factors that they have not felt a need to disclose because they are trusting the hosts to follow reasonable practices.

he should have been honest with his parents that he ruined the food.