Huge row with DH over food safety - who is BU?

[namechange294824]

NC'ed on the off chance this is outing!

DH and I are both 34. We've been in the process of moving house over the past 2 months, and are finally in a position to have guests in the house (i.e. we have a dining table and chairs). Moving hasn't been without its challenges and there have been some really stressful bits, but on the whole it's been fairly straightforward, and we don't have kids.

Invited DH's parents (mid/late 60s) to dinner on Tuesday night. I offered to cook. I prepared a starter, a main, and a dessert on Monday night, ready to go in the fridge for ease of serving quickly on Tuesday (I was going to be getting in from work only 20 mins or so before they arrived so it made sense to pre-prepare.) I spent 3.5 hours cooking/baking on Monday, which wiped out my entire post-work evening. No drama; I'd offered to do it, and I enjoy cooking.

But throughout this 3.5 hours DH could not help himself from repeatedly putting his head round the door and being critical - why hadn't I done X? Was I going to bother putting Y in the bin or is it going to be left on the side forever? So on, so forth. I asked him to stop, and he didn't. He probably whinged at me 5 times about separate trivial things whilst I was cooking.

The main dish needed a long while in the oven. It was 9.15pm at this point and he had totally exhausted me with his bitching and griping. I told him I just wanted to shower and go to bed and asked him to take the food out of the oven once the timer went off, which would have been at 10pm.

He did that. But he then failed to put it in the fridge, leaving it out overnight on the countertop. He was watching telly until about midnight, well after the point it would have cooled enough to go in the fridge.

I was so furious in the morning that after a night of whinging and sniping at me he'd not even had the thought to properly put away the food I'd spent so long cooking.

His position: the food's fine, it had foil on it anyway, just crack on and serve it tonight

My position: it's a meat dish (with pork in) and I don't feel comfortable serving it to his parents who are in their 60s after it's been left out overnight in the middle of August

He cancelled the dinner plans, and told his mum it was because we'd had an argument (which we had, I guess, but now I feel really humiliated and almost ashamed that their evening was spoiled because of us).

So... who is BU?

It's unsafe to leave perishable foods at room temperature for longer than two hours. If it's the type of dish that takes a long time to cool down, you can put the covered dish in the sink with some cold water and ice to cool it more quickly.

You shouldn't have to tell a grown man to put something in the fridge, nor should you have to put up with that kind of arrogance, laziness and criticism from him. It sounds like he didn't bother to spite you.

He sounds like a complete twat and I think you have much bigger issues here than some spoilt food.

I'd be very clear that the invitation was rescinded because their son was being a petulant child.

I'd also be very clear that you wouldn't be cooking for his family going forward; he can kill himself in the kitchen while you sit on the couch.

I wouldn't eat meat that had been out all night. But did you ask him to put it in the fridge? If you didn't I don't get your fury, if I was cooking I would put the food in the fridge or I would ask my husband to do it f I was going to bed, I wouldn't just assume it would happen. Tell him to stay out of the kitchen when you are cooking, he sounds more than annoying.

He sounds awful, and I would be RAGING.

You've gone to all that trouble, for HIS parents, and he can't even figure out for himself that a meat dish needs to go into the fridge. A pp said it's your fault for not telling him to fridge it... COME ON. He's a grown man. He knows this.

Instead of feeling awful at his mistake, he bitches with you and cancels the whole night? Fuck me. I'd be so angry if I was in your shoes. All that effort and food gone to waste, because he's an idiot.

We all ate food after a christening once, that had been sat out for about 2 hours on a hot day. We were violently sick for hours. It was terrible, and I'd never risk that again. Pork that has sat out in the warm for 9 or 10 hours? No thank you!!

It's almost as if he set out to sabotage you, tbh.

I think if you wanted it to go in the fridge, you should have been explicit, or stayed up and sorted it yourself. After all, you did volunteer to cook.

But I leave sausages etc. in the oven overnight all the time then fridge them the next day and it's always been fine.

You wouldn't think that your DH, who is a grown man, would know that meat needs to be refrigerated? WOW.

I think your DH should message them

"hi mum and dad, sorry the meal got cancelled, it was my fault firstly for being stupid enough to not refrigerate meat, secondly for being mad at my wife because I was happy to risk you getting food poisoning but she wasn't and finally for not having the intelligence to just buy a nice ready meal from somewhere to solve the issue. Lots of love IdiotSon"

Well, lots of people do leave food out overnight - as evidenced by the responses.

I do it all the time and it's never made me sick.

Fine to risk it on yourself, wildly unacceptable to serve to guests

I'd be furious with him for cancelling because "you'd had a row", and disappointed that he couldn't do that one thing to contribute, but I would have put it in the fridge in the morning, and served it well hearted that evening. Something I've done many times myself, actually, when I've gone to bed before leftovers were cooled.

In thus warm weather, I’d be cautious about leaving it out (ok during cooler nights).

was he nervous about his parents around and wanted to impress them?

Didn’t need to cancel the meal though, could have got fish and chips, M and S posh lasagnes etc.

You also imply parents in 60s are well past their sell by date- they’re not. 60 is not old! They haven’t even reached their three-score-and-ten.

Well, sure, but my point was more that if you want something specific doing, you should say - not just assume the other person will know.

It's a risk definitely. I can kind of see if he didn't get told to put it in the fridge he could have forgotten while watching telly. But surely he should have put it in there when he went back in the kitchen before bed?
After all his annoying griping about your cooking practices as well.
I think I'd have just not served that dish. Made him go to to the shop for supplies and help you knock up a replacement to serve alongside the other things.
He can eat the dish that was left out as it's his stomach. But not for guests. Especially if they're a bit older. Not that 60s is old, but it's a bit more risky with food poisoning.

As others have said, choosing to eat it yourselves is fine - it's your risk. Serving it to other guests, particularly elderly guests, is not fine at all.

What a shame that all your great efforts were wasted by him. Please have a serious converstaion about entertaining expectations for the future. He really needs to start being more considerate and pulling his weight more.

Of course my husband would know meat needs to be refrigerated, I just wouldn't expect him to remember to go into the kitchen to refrigerate something at midnight if I hadn't asked him.

Yep. I’m 66 and have done this all my life. Never given anyone even a slightly dicky tummy as a result. Food coming out of the oven at 10pm and covered with foil, left out overnight to cool properly and put in the fridge next morning would be perfectly fine to eat later that evening. The YABU here is the fact that you were both prepared to waste perfectly good food which would have been fine. As long as the meat was cooked through first time round and not just partly cooked, and thoroughly reheated until piping hot before serving there’s no problem. What do you think people did before refrigerators were a household norm ?

A grown adult does not need telling to put cooked food that includes meat into the fridge.

Surely if you are reheating it, it's not an issue though you have every right to be annoyed as your dh sounds an ass.

Lots of people on here do happily leave meat dishes out overnight, though.

I do think if something is really important, you need to remind the other person, not just assume that they'll know or remember.

I think it's the hypocrisy of his behaviour that is so galling. If he was generally laid back and placid about stuff like this then it'd be annoying, but the fact that he was griping and nagging at you all evening, OP, while you were cooking and preparing the food, then neglected to use any common sense and initiative himself to keep the food safe and edible, is really too much.

I'd serve it. Heat it up real hot.

It doesn’t need to be fully cooled to go in the fridge. Once it’s stopped having steam come off it then it can go in the fridge.

If any of the people here who leave food out overnight ever move to a warmer climate then you’ll need to change that unless you enjoy food poisoning. I’m not in the UK and can’t imagine leaving cooked meat out overnight and then eating it.

Team OP. A grown adult doesn’t need to be explicitly told to refrigerate meat overnight. Serving it would have been irresponsible.

All those posters saying that the OP should have told her H to put the meat in the fridge seem to be forgetting that HE took the meat out of the oven and left it on the side.

OP prepped and cooked the meal, he just had to take it out of the oven, let it cook and store it in a suitable & hygienic manner. If he doesn't know how to do that (without being told) how has he made it to adulthood without poisoning himself?

It's like all the useless men that can't do housework without a list; if the bin is full, empty it, why do grown men need instructions for blindingly obvious tasks?

So, before refrigeration, did people never make a stew do two days?

I think that’s the real problem here. OP was cooking for his parents and as far as I can see, he chose to basically nag about her cleaning up as she cooked. If he saw something on the side that needed to go in the bin why didn’t he bloody well do it himself !!