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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge row with DH over food safety - who is BU?

405 replies

namechange294824 · 22/08/2024 13:44

NC'ed on the off chance this is outing!

DH and I are both 34. We've been in the process of moving house over the past 2 months, and are finally in a position to have guests in the house (i.e. we have a dining table and chairs). Moving hasn't been without its challenges and there have been some really stressful bits, but on the whole it's been fairly straightforward, and we don't have kids.

Invited DH's parents (mid/late 60s) to dinner on Tuesday night. I offered to cook. I prepared a starter, a main, and a dessert on Monday night, ready to go in the fridge for ease of serving quickly on Tuesday (I was going to be getting in from work only 20 mins or so before they arrived so it made sense to pre-prepare.) I spent 3.5 hours cooking/baking on Monday, which wiped out my entire post-work evening. No drama; I'd offered to do it, and I enjoy cooking.

But throughout this 3.5 hours DH could not help himself from repeatedly putting his head round the door and being critical - why hadn't I done X? Was I going to bother putting Y in the bin or is it going to be left on the side forever? So on, so forth. I asked him to stop, and he didn't. He probably whinged at me 5 times about separate trivial things whilst I was cooking.

The main dish needed a long while in the oven. It was 9.15pm at this point and he had totally exhausted me with his bitching and griping. I told him I just wanted to shower and go to bed and asked him to take the food out of the oven once the timer went off, which would have been at 10pm.

He did that. But he then failed to put it in the fridge, leaving it out overnight on the countertop. He was watching telly until about midnight, well after the point it would have cooled enough to go in the fridge.

I was so furious in the morning that after a night of whinging and sniping at me he'd not even had the thought to properly put away the food I'd spent so long cooking.

His position: the food's fine, it had foil on it anyway, just crack on and serve it tonight

My position: it's a meat dish (with pork in) and I don't feel comfortable serving it to his parents who are in their 60s after it's been left out overnight in the middle of August

He cancelled the dinner plans, and told his mum it was because we'd had an argument (which we had, I guess, but now I feel really humiliated and almost ashamed that their evening was spoiled because of us).

So... who is BU?

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 23/08/2024 18:09

Mandylovescandy · 22/08/2024 13:54

I would have eaten it though having googled it it seems like 2hrs is the limit to leave food out

I’m immunosuppressed. I wouldn’t have touched it with a 10 foot pole, let alone eaten it.

amccabe15 · 23/08/2024 18:18

I hope you’ve explained to his parents (in the nicest possible way) why he put them off!

voiceofastar · 23/08/2024 18:18

wouldn’t do this with chicken though.

@Whoknowswhatanymore what's special about chicken?

FeetLikeFlippers · 23/08/2024 18:37

This isn’t about food hygiene, it’s about your DH’s behaviour which is unbelievably selfish and childish, especially the reason he gave your parents for cancelling. Sounds like he’s rather controlling as well. If he’s got form for this I can’t see it getting any better, especially if it’s got worse since you’ve moved in together.

Whostolemymojo · 23/08/2024 18:45

AnotherCountryMummy · 22/08/2024 13:50

You're both being unreasonable.

He's BU for bitching and having a go at you when you were doing something kind for his parents.

You are BU for being annoyed with him for not putting it in the fridge, if you didn't give him instructions to do so.

You're both being unreasonable for cancelling and him moreso for telling them it was because of an argument.

I'd want a pork dish to be in the fridge too, for the record.

But he is a grown man? He took food out of the oven, and just left it on the side. Forgivable if you were a 15 year old kid. Not a 35 year old. How much mental load is the OP expected to take here?

OP: do you cook and he clears away?
I ask as in my household that is generally the arrangement and my husband will grumble if I am particularly careless and messy when I cook. He has to clear it up, so understandable.

If you had to do the lot and that’s the usual arrangement then I am sorry, but your DH is an arse and I would very much recommend that you never ever have kids with this man. It might unravel you 😨

CWigtownshire · 23/08/2024 18:47

It would have been fine if put in fridge in the morning. We wouldn't think twice about eating or feeding it to others. I certainly wouldn't have binned it - can't afford to waste food. As long as it was reheated properly it would have been fine. But then we regularly eat food that is past its Best Before date. What do you think people did before there was dates on food? You used your common sense.

dijonketchup · 23/08/2024 18:47

I think you may need to LTB, this isn’t going to get better with time.

Franticbutterfly · 23/08/2024 18:47

No I wouldn't eat it on the basis that it is meat based. A vegetable soup would be ok I'd guess, but definitely not pork.

haveacat · 23/08/2024 18:49

I would have just put it into the fridge myself.

Did you go to bed straight after putting the dish into the oven? Was your husband staying up for the 2-3 hours it would have taken to cool enough to go into the fridge?

MustWeDoThis · 23/08/2024 18:56

namechange294824 · 22/08/2024 13:44

NC'ed on the off chance this is outing!

DH and I are both 34. We've been in the process of moving house over the past 2 months, and are finally in a position to have guests in the house (i.e. we have a dining table and chairs). Moving hasn't been without its challenges and there have been some really stressful bits, but on the whole it's been fairly straightforward, and we don't have kids.

Invited DH's parents (mid/late 60s) to dinner on Tuesday night. I offered to cook. I prepared a starter, a main, and a dessert on Monday night, ready to go in the fridge for ease of serving quickly on Tuesday (I was going to be getting in from work only 20 mins or so before they arrived so it made sense to pre-prepare.) I spent 3.5 hours cooking/baking on Monday, which wiped out my entire post-work evening. No drama; I'd offered to do it, and I enjoy cooking.

But throughout this 3.5 hours DH could not help himself from repeatedly putting his head round the door and being critical - why hadn't I done X? Was I going to bother putting Y in the bin or is it going to be left on the side forever? So on, so forth. I asked him to stop, and he didn't. He probably whinged at me 5 times about separate trivial things whilst I was cooking.

The main dish needed a long while in the oven. It was 9.15pm at this point and he had totally exhausted me with his bitching and griping. I told him I just wanted to shower and go to bed and asked him to take the food out of the oven once the timer went off, which would have been at 10pm.

He did that. But he then failed to put it in the fridge, leaving it out overnight on the countertop. He was watching telly until about midnight, well after the point it would have cooled enough to go in the fridge.

I was so furious in the morning that after a night of whinging and sniping at me he'd not even had the thought to properly put away the food I'd spent so long cooking.

His position: the food's fine, it had foil on it anyway, just crack on and serve it tonight

My position: it's a meat dish (with pork in) and I don't feel comfortable serving it to his parents who are in their 60s after it's been left out overnight in the middle of August

He cancelled the dinner plans, and told his mum it was because we'd had an argument (which we had, I guess, but now I feel really humiliated and almost ashamed that their evening was spoiled because of us).

So... who is BU?

Honestly, OP? Tell his parents the truth and see what his Mum says. I'm sure she will thank you for caring more than he did.

Jeannie88 · 23/08/2024 19:12

Yanbu.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2024 19:23

The food wouldn't have been cool enough to put in the fridge after two hours sitting out. I think he was right on this point.

But his earlier behaviour was atrocious. My exH never stopped carping, bitching, and whining when I cooked. "Why can't you ever put anything away..." "Why do you always start dinner so late..." He would take seasonings I had out to add to a dish and put them back in the pantry, take wooden spoons and wash them, and generally make an utter nuisance of himself. I often left him to finish the cooking himself.

You need to sit your husband down and read him the riot act about heckling you as you cooked for his parents. Do not accept this behaviour. He owes you a massive apology and he owes his parents an apology too for being such a bloody drama queen.

Washingupdone · 23/08/2024 19:37

Many years ago there was a saying
”Don’t buy pork if there isn’t an R in the month” because pork would go off very quickly.

Oldgardener · 23/08/2024 19:42

I’m sorry you have had such a miserable time. I routinely leave hot dishes out to cool on the counter overnight, covered. Loads take ages to cool and I can’t stay up. Worse to put them warm into the fridge. You would have heated it up again, to piping hot? I have never poisoned myself. It’s the whole way the row escalated I would be more concerned about.

Missmarymack2 · 23/08/2024 19:42

I wouldn’t have served it either and I’d be annoyed . I love cooking too and would find this very frustrating after putting in so much effort. Having a row is your own private business. He shouldn’t have said that to them. YANBU at all. Pity you had to cancel though, you probably should have gone ahead and even gotten a take away

OraettaMayflower · 23/08/2024 19:53

I would have put it in the fridge when I saw it in the morning and then make sure it was reheated properly later, no problem.
Id have been more annoyed if he’d but a hot out of the oven meal straight into the fridge.

Bjorkdidit · 23/08/2024 20:01

Washingupdone · 23/08/2024 19:37

Many years ago there was a saying
”Don’t buy pork if there isn’t an R in the month” because pork would go off very quickly.

Yes when it was raw and people didn't have fridges so they would buy their meat for Sunday lunch from the butcher on Saturday morning so would be out of the fridge for at least 24 hours including the hottest part of the day.

Cooked food overnight is nowhere near the same.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2024 20:09

Oldgardener · 23/08/2024 19:42

I’m sorry you have had such a miserable time. I routinely leave hot dishes out to cool on the counter overnight, covered. Loads take ages to cool and I can’t stay up. Worse to put them warm into the fridge. You would have heated it up again, to piping hot? I have never poisoned myself. It’s the whole way the row escalated I would be more concerned about.

Yes to all of this.

ThatFunFinch · 23/08/2024 20:45

I’d be more angry he felt the need to tell his mummy you had an argument.

Toptops · 23/08/2024 20:49

I would have put it in the fridge in the morning and eaten it happily, though not served it to guests.
DH was in the wrong to not sort out an alternative to serve to his parents and smooth things over

NavyBee · 23/08/2024 21:10

Food safety! Your dish should not have been left out for more than 2 hours (rule of thumb) and if you have a modern fridge it’s no longer necessary to wait for food to cool before putting it in the fridge. As others have said I might take the risk for myself - but not for guests. The micromanaging before when you were cooking - maybe your DH was anxious to have everything ‘just right’ for his parents’ visit. Making him more wound up and picky. Hopefully you can have a ‘re-do’ that goes better - maybe have a talk about how that might work. Could he help with the prep? Or if that’s not helpful for you plan a time to cook when he can be out of the house/otherwise occupied?

usernother · 23/08/2024 21:16

I'd have put it in the fridge in the morning then served it. Your parents are the same age as me, I'm not sure why you said their age like that was a factor in not serving it?

sawdustformypony · 23/08/2024 21:17

If its been in the oven for hours then when it comes out, then - meat or whatever it was - it would sterile. If you put foil directly over it, the only possible source of contamination is from the unde surface of the foil - basically next to nothing , especially as the food is still at a temperature to kill any bacteria / fungi falling off. Even if microorganisms did waft onto the surface of the food after it cooled down - hours later, they are highly unlikely to be pathogenic and equally unlikely over-night to have undergone enough cell division /toxin production to cause problems. Get a grip.

Dibbydoos · 23/08/2024 23:14

Sirzy · 22/08/2024 13:51

I wouldn’t think it would be fully cool within two hours so would have left it covered on the side overnight.

It doesn't need to be fully cool or even cool to go in the fridge. Google it!

voiceofastar · 23/08/2024 23:48

sawdustformypony · 23/08/2024 21:17

If its been in the oven for hours then when it comes out, then - meat or whatever it was - it would sterile. If you put foil directly over it, the only possible source of contamination is from the unde surface of the foil - basically next to nothing , especially as the food is still at a temperature to kill any bacteria / fungi falling off. Even if microorganisms did waft onto the surface of the food after it cooled down - hours later, they are highly unlikely to be pathogenic and equally unlikely over-night to have undergone enough cell division /toxin production to cause problems. Get a grip.

Even if microorganisms did waft onto the surface of the food after it cooled down - hours later, they are highly unlikely to be pathogenic and equally unlikely over-night to have undergone enough cell division /toxin production to cause problems.

If you would be happy to eat it, that’s fine, just say that. You don’t need to pretend to be an expert in microbiology and spout a load of twaddle you think sounds clever in the process.