Leaving baby with stranger

[sunshine240778474]

I took my 8 month old baby to her first swimming lesson today. Once we were out dried and dressed. I was bursting for a pee. None of the toilets had an area for me to put my baby down while I went to the toilet. I didn't have a pram with me.

An older lady who was at the swimming pool watching her grandchildren swim said she would hold her while I went to the toilet. I was a bit hesitant at first but then agreed because she looked nice.

Everything was fine.

Afterwards I felt terrible and so guilty that I left her with a stranger because she 'looked nice'

Was it wrong of me to leave her?
When I told my partner he made me feel worse.
Now I feel like a terrible mother.

Exactly

You did what you needed to do at the time. It's fine. You are massively overthinking it. Presumably she seemed nice and you could see she was with her grandkids. She can hardly do a runner with the baby and leave her grandkids in the pool can she?

You get a vibe with people, if at the time you thought it was safe to leave your child...no harm done.

Let's face it...if you had any inkling that a person wasn't safe or trustworthy, nothing on gods earth would force you to leave your baby with them.

Don't beat yourself up....you can't turn back time, your baby is fine.... let it go.

And how would she take her swimming costume off to wee?

I had to leave my baby with a random vet nurse when she was 6 weeks old. My old cat was ill and had to rush her to the vet, DD was having a meltdown and it was upsetting DCat (who had to be put down). Random vet nurse took DD in her pram for laps around the outside of the vet hospital while I spoke to vet and said goodbyes to DCat.

Absolutely fucking traumatic. But afterwards I cried buckets that I left my baby with a stranger.

A few mins for a wee is fine @sunshine240778474

It's absolutely fine, no need to worry. You have intuition, you knew the grandmother was a pretty safe bet. I've definitely held babies for women who needed a hand before.

There's a reason we tell children to look for a woman with children if they're in trouble. You would have to be monumentally unlucky to ask a woman with children for help - especially one stuck at a swimming lesson - and have her turn out to be a crazed abductor.

A woman in the street asked me to hold her baby while she unfolded her pushchair. It was GREAT- I love holding tiny babies.

So what does your partner claim he would have done in your situation? We all know that a granny supervising her grandchildren (a) knows how to look after a baby for 5 minutes and (b) is never going to abduct the baby. What does he suggest was going to happen?

Hmmm. Pull it to one side. Where there’s a wee there’s a way 😁

Because society doesn't function without trust. I trust that my neighbours aren't about to attack me as I walk out the door, otherwise I'd never leave the house. The woman held the baby and made life run a little more smoothly for the OP. That is a nice thing. There is a tiny, tiny risk that she was going to run off with or harm the baby; people just don't! Our instincts are to protect small children.

Totally fine, don't give it another thought, and have serious words with your partner if they're making you feel bad. The vast majority of people are good, and it was a woman with her grandkids, in a controlled environment. it's so important to live assuming everyone/ everything is good, I do!

It’s just so sad that we have got to this level of mistrust about other people. Honestly a gran minding her gcs is about the last person in the world to abscond with a baby. No wonder mums of young children today flock to Mumsnet saying how hard they are finding it all; we’re told it takes a village etc., thanks to SM and news we are scared of the village!

Sounds fine. Anyway, if she'd stolen your baby she'd have had to leave her grandchildren in the pool, so you could have got them instead!

Children are harmed daily because too many people are too trusting of those they know, too ready to give the “benefit of the doubt” to benign looking total strangers, too absorbed in their own faff to think ‘what if?’

Society might run like clockwork this way, but one in four children will experience abuse or neglect”.

You say
“”people just don’t”
Sadly too many people just do.

Trust is earned and not everyone deserves to be trusted.

Having an inconvenient moment is not a good enough reason to decide to trust a stranger with your baby’s wellbeing.

@sunshine240778474

you're fine! Ask yourself how many babies are abducted by a stranger someone has asked to hold them for a couple of minutes? Let alone reduce that down to somewhere like a swimming baths.

I've done it, plus frequently left the youngest in a high chair at a table & told people on the next table I was taking the older one to toilet etc.

I've also held/watched a lot of babies over the years.

the world is no less safe now, but people are just making society a much more difficult place to live in. It's such a 'nothing' it wouldn't have occurred to me to 'tell my partner'.

you trusted your own judgement, it was fine 😊

I don't think that people trusting others is what makes more abuse happen. Obviously if you trust the wrong person you will enable individual acts. But on a macro level everyone looking out for kids keeps them safer. I remember reading a story about a boy who escaped from nursery and a lorry driver who saw him and wandered but didn't want to interfere. The child drowned.

The chance that a random woman in a changing room will abduct a child is tiny. Why would she want to? Most child abductions are parents in custody cases.

I think you have a partner problem. What you did was a low risk, pragmatic approach and your partner is a dick for guilting you about it. And if he’s that worked up about it he can take your baby swimming.

You can't run your children's lived with 0 level of risk. There is always going to be a "what if" situation. But taking your baby with you in the toilet while having your toddler to tend to also comports some small risk. You could drop the baby on the floor for instance trying to do too many things at once with not enough hands.
If someone I deemed trustworthy offered and the toilet was 'earby, I would have done the same as you.
It is part of being a mum to assess situations and take controlled risks, and this is exactly what you did.
Remond this to your husband!

Being aware that the risks are real and that not everyone is benign doesn’t mean “every outing and interaction must be completely anxiety inducing”.

One can be aware and relaxed at the same time! And live happily, just without taking unnecessary risks and making safety decisions based on the presumed goodwill of others.

It's not the same. Op did a perfectly sensible things after a quick risk assess. Your friend didn't. What mother hands her child over to a random stranger who approaches you asking to hold her child? Poor baby ended up with a broken rib and if the mother literally wrestled the stranger to the floor as you say, then it would have been further hurt and frightened too.

we’re told it takes a village etc., thanks to SM and news we are scared of the village

Yup. And largely unnecessarily so

I'd practice weeing while holding the baby at home. I know everyone says the risk is overblown but all it takes is one creepy weirdo and you're living a nightmare.

Personally i would have weed in the pool!

Ew

This, it's not something I would do. I would carry baby in with me and have done lots of times. There's no way I'd leave my baby with a stranger when I know nothing about them. Imagine if something happened.