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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving baby with stranger

132 replies

sunshine240778474 · 21/08/2024 20:16

I took my 8 month old baby to her first swimming lesson today. Once we were out dried and dressed. I was bursting for a pee. None of the toilets had an area for me to put my baby down while I went to the toilet. I didn't have a pram with me.

An older lady who was at the swimming pool watching her grandchildren swim said she would hold her while I went to the toilet. I was a bit hesitant at first but then agreed because she looked nice.

Everything was fine.

Afterwards I felt terrible and so guilty that I left her with a stranger because she 'looked nice'

Was it wrong of me to leave her?
When I told my partner he made me feel worse.
Now I feel like a terrible mother.

OP posts:
Investinmyself · 21/08/2024 21:03

It’s fine. You risk assessed - granny watching kids, it was for a few mins all fine.

dontcryformeargentina · 22/08/2024 08:13

CherryDrops89 · 21/08/2024 20:43

Sit on the toilet holding the child. Not ideal, not easy, but I'd rather that than a stranger take, drop or injure my baby

This

Oldinjuryhelp111037 · 22/08/2024 08:20

Absolutely fine. It's akin to telling your kids to find a lady with kids when lost really. Minimal risk

Hellzbellz25 · 22/08/2024 08:22

I did this with dd, my dads hearing aid needed fixing and there was a drop in centre at a local hospital and I left her with a receptionist when she was tiny, it played on my mind for months and in hindsight I wouldn't do it now, she is safe though and everything is ok so don't worry about it

BogRollBOGOF · 22/08/2024 08:24

There were times when I had to ask cafe staff or people on nearby tables to keep an eye on baby/ toddler when the other had to be taken off to the toilets and there wasn't space in them to deal with child A and child B kicking off from being torn away from their food.

It's important to trust that most people aren't out to do each other harm.

Swimming lessons are a closed environment and the risk of someone doing harm there is incredibly low.

WhatNoRaisins · 22/08/2024 08:24

I've made a conscious decision to keep reminding myself that the odds of a child being abducted by a stranger are really low. I don't have the capacity to live in too much fear or to tie myself in knots in order to do things like use a toilet while keeping my children in constant sight. Life is for living.

Lulu1919 · 22/08/2024 08:26

I'd have done the same
Baby was totally fine
You were using your judgement as a mummy ...trust it !!!

grafittiartist · 22/08/2024 08:28

I have done similar- in a super market- toddler needed the loo so I left baby in the trolley of food with the ladies on customer service. She was fussed over and entertained!
All absolutely fine!

Littlemisscapable · 22/08/2024 08:31

Oh goodness its fine. It was an appropriate decision at the time.

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 22/08/2024 08:31

What a sad world we live in where we automatically think the worst of everyone. I held a baby in a shop recently for a frazzled mum as her older child had special needs & was having a medical episode. Sometimes you need to just trust that people want to help. I've also held babies on planes, trains, & outside toilets for parents. I am a mum myself which automatically makes other mums trust you a bit more I think, and I'm also in Scotland where people generally are quite friendly (in my opinion) OP your baby is fine. The risks were minimal & you made a judgement call. Your partner sounds like an idiot.

AgileGreenSeal · 22/08/2024 08:34

BogRollBOGOF · 22/08/2024 08:24

There were times when I had to ask cafe staff or people on nearby tables to keep an eye on baby/ toddler when the other had to be taken off to the toilets and there wasn't space in them to deal with child A and child B kicking off from being torn away from their food.

It's important to trust that most people aren't out to do each other harm.

Swimming lessons are a closed environment and the risk of someone doing harm there is incredibly low.

“It's important to trust that most people aren't out to do each other harm.”

why? Why is it important? 🤔

Guavafish1 · 22/08/2024 08:36

I remember hold someone baby once while she had to folder her pram for the bus. I loved it… I was only 18 years old and the baby must have been similar age.

I think your partner is horrible to make you feel that why!

RoseGoldEagle · 22/08/2024 08:38

I think we’ve gone too far with not trusting people and it makes life smaller and more isolated. Of course it’s good to be cautious, but in this situation I’d have done the same as you.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/08/2024 08:39

I probably would have rather balanced them on my lap and gone for a wee, or on a towel on the toilet floor, but I can totally see why you made that decision! Don’t beat yourself up about it-just have a plan what you’ll do next time, if this decision made you feel uncomfortable.

WimpoleHat · 22/08/2024 08:40

*It's important to trust that most people aren't out to do each other harm.”

why? Why is it important? 🤔*

Because it’s basically impossible to make rational decisions about life in society if you don’t take that view! And the world must seem like the most overwhelming and hostile place; every outing and interaction must be completely anxiety inducing. I always assume it’s a normal distribution - the majority of people are quite nice to meh, with a small number who are absolutely lovely and a small number who are awful.

Izzymoon · 22/08/2024 08:46

Muthaofcats · 21/08/2024 20:55

Why couldn’t you just hold your child whilst you went to the loo?? I took my kids swimming solo and did this all the time without needing to put on floor.

I don’t I would ever be able to pull up and fastened a pair of jeans one handed!

Lurkingandlearning · 22/08/2024 08:47

I know not everyone likes those harnesses for having babies on your chest but maybe one in your bag would be helpful for when you need two pairs of hands

Izzymoon · 22/08/2024 08:48

RoseGoldEagle · 22/08/2024 08:38

I think we’ve gone too far with not trusting people and it makes life smaller and more isolated. Of course it’s good to be cautious, but in this situation I’d have done the same as you.

It’s probably no surprise maternal mental health is through the floor. In the past babies would be left outside shops in their pram, neighbours watched them while you did things etc, mothers of 60 years who certainly weren’t trying to hold a baby while undressing and dressing themselves one handed.

Muffin101 · 22/08/2024 08:49

I would, and have done, the exact same thing. I have also been the one offering to hold random babies to help the parents out. It’s fine, stop beating yourself up!

ForDaringNavyOP · 22/08/2024 08:49

sunshine240778474 · 21/08/2024 20:16

I took my 8 month old baby to her first swimming lesson today. Once we were out dried and dressed. I was bursting for a pee. None of the toilets had an area for me to put my baby down while I went to the toilet. I didn't have a pram with me.

An older lady who was at the swimming pool watching her grandchildren swim said she would hold her while I went to the toilet. I was a bit hesitant at first but then agreed because she looked nice.

Everything was fine.

Afterwards I felt terrible and so guilty that I left her with a stranger because she 'looked nice'

Was it wrong of me to leave her?
When I told my partner he made me feel worse.
Now I feel like a terrible mother.

I think this is totally fine and will get easier week on week as you get to know the other parents/grandparents. At all baby/toddler classes I’ve been to, people will happily watch a child whilst you pop to the loo!

thecatsthecats · 22/08/2024 08:52

I hand my DS off to cooing women after swimming all the time. I don't know her name, but there's a woman who adores the babies, and tells sad stories of her miscarriages and her love for her nieces and nephews. I suppose she could be a threat, but I rather think she's a woman who loves babies and sadly couldn't have her own. She doesn't even mind when DS pulls her hair.

When I was swimming at the pool solo, a dad was struggling to get out with his baby and toddler. I held the baby, and when the toddler got out he BOLTED. Dad sent a worried look and me and I told him to go! So I gave an inadvertent swimming lesson to a one year old for ten minutes.

Timetoheal4good · 22/08/2024 08:55

This is absolutely fine IMO. There are bad people in the world, of course, but far more good. You used your judgement and you were right.

CoffeeLover90 · 22/08/2024 08:57

I've only had to do this once. DS 2 months old in a buggy, with shopping bags and I needed the toilet. I queued for the disabled since it was the only way to fit in the buggy. A mum with 3 kids, one in a sling came up to me and offered to watch DS while I used a standard cubicle. I hesitated but honestly, there was a real risk of me wetting myself. I rushed in and out. She was so lovely, we chatted for a bit and she added me to a Facebook group that shared activities etc that were on in our area.
Since then I've offered to watch a strangers child a few times. I'm with my child, they can see I'm low risk. No ones ever said no but I'd understand if they did.
Getting around some places/situations alone with an infant is sometimes impossible without the help of a fellow mum.

lanthanum · 22/08/2024 08:58

The risk was infinitesimal. You can reduce it even further if there is more than one family around, by making sure the conversation is loud enough that another unconnected adult is aware that you are leaving the baby with someone you don't know. Then if it turns out that the 0.0000000000000000000000001% chance that they decide to abduct the baby occurs, there's someone who would intervene. In the swimming pool scenario, I guess you could say to the lifeguard "I've just left my baby with the lady over there while I go to the loo."

saraclara · 22/08/2024 08:59

countrysidelife2024 · 21/08/2024 20:44

personally i would never leave my baby or child with a stranger, you dont know who they are, she could have had mental health issues and been deranged just not worth the risk. I would have carried my baby whilst i peed

Yet her grandchildren's mother was happy to leave them in her care.

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