Annoyed at MIL

[Gifgaf]

We have a good relationship and she's generally a nice person. However, I've noticed when I am not around she tends to take opportunities to do things I would normally say no to for a certain reason.

Some minor examples, putting my children (one a toddler) in baths with their older cousin (10) because the older cousin wants to. I don't like them doing this and also if I have already washed my kids and clothed them why put them to be in dirty water after and not even rinse them.

Secondly, my kids only ever sleep with myself or DH/ sibling i.e. sister. We are visiting MIL and I already told my DD that she will be sleeping with me and then MIL comes in telling her grandson that he can sleep with my DD in the big bed which I am not ok with. Actually pissed me off.

I don't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions.

There's plenty more but those things have really triggered a nerve in me.

How would you feel ?

YANBU and make sure that you get your dd to sleep with you.

Child on child sexual abuse is sadly very common.

Thank you! I didn't want to say it out loud but that is exactly why it makes me very uncomfortable. A while back when it was just my DD she used to put them in the bath with no underwear until I got angry and said she's not allowed to take her pants off. I intentionally shower them separately to avoid these "baths" however, she takes the opportunity as soon as I need to head out. It's happened twice now in 2 days.

I wouldn't be letting her watch them alone if she was ignoring your boundaries on this (and I 100% agree with your boundaries).

I also find it really bizarre that a 10 year old would want to have a bath with a toddler. Not saying that there is anything sinister in it, I just find it strange and would definitely not be comfortable with it.

I think you need to be very assertive with her and set some strong boundaries. Where is your dp in all this? He needs to be on side and have a word with her.

You’re doing the right thing OP! In my extended family there was historical sex abuse of a relative from age 2- 12 by another older child. It does happen a lot and ppl are very naive about it! Best just to ensure the opportunity doesn’t arise! Mil isn’t in charge of your child, you are! She needs to back off a bit! It’s strange that she is so determined to put these kids together when there is a big age gap!

My eldest is 7 and youngest 2. It's not that he's an intentioned boy but I would much rather avoid at all costs because you simply never know! My MIL is way too attached.her grandson and will never see any wrong when it invovles him

I think you are going to have to be firm and straight with her, this is the only way you will trust her. Don't leave stuff like this for your dh to sort.

I've told him before that I am not comfortable and don't want my daughters to shower with him/ share beds at night. However, he also sees it as innocent and thinks I am just being a hater or difficult. I do plan to make it very clear again to him because I am not ok with it! I have tried to take my eldest and talk in a gentle manner that I am happy with her sharing a bed or bath but she is a kid and.only sees the "fun" side. I don't really know how else to approach it.

I agree, he's shown me I can't trust him to deal with this stuff at all! I do plan to bring this up to her but need to find the opportunity to avoid them making me out to be this horrible DIL who wants to be difficult

Maybe he doesn't want to and the Mil thinks its cute and just says he wants too.

Op either you or dh have to say something, get it out in the open and discuss it

He does and when I've said.no before he does that "oooh" like I am being the bad one

It sounds really creepy like she's doing it purposefully for what reason... heck I would not let my 7 year old nor my toddler or baby bathe with a cousin that's 10 years old. Is she okay in the head? Hate to ask this but since we're talking about abuse. Do you have any suspicions towards her? Just don't get why any grandma would do this. Besides getting some perverse joy out of it.

@Gifgaf I'd ask him if it was the norm when he was young to bathe with young cousins of the opposite gender.

I am so glad that others actually understand where I am coming from because for a long time they made me feel like I was wrong! I don't have a suspicion that he would do anything but I'd rather avoid it because you simply never know how people turn as they get older. When I was a child my cousin started having weird feelings towards me and wanted to kiss me or say he wants to marry me and he was 1.5 years younger than me but I am too ashamed to tell them this. My SIL was sexually abused by a close family member when she was a kid as she was left in his "trusted care". However, they will never see this kid as bad because or want to do bad and that may well be the case but I will sleep much better at night if my daughter's are not.in a bath or a bed with him.

If it's related to DH then yes but not sure if he ever showered with the opposite gender. My DM always tells me to not let them have their way with my DH to simply keep this grandson happy because she says he might see her differently and it's always stuck in my head.

That's very strange, my dc would have been so embarrassed to have a bath with anyone at that age. Speak to her and tell her that no one will be sharing a bed, ask her why she is so obsessed with them sleeping in the big bed. Get DH to speak to her and start questioning her. Don't cover it up with silence, get it out int he open.

I went out briefly tonight and came back to this nonsense which is why I made the post as I was really mad inside. I took some time to calm down and sat my DH and I am so disappointed. I expected him to understand objectively where I am coming from and his first response is oh you think my DN would do something etc 🙄. I clearly said it's not because I am accusing him or thinking of him like that but I would rather avoid it. I think I have made myself clear to him at least and expect him to use his voice when it's clearly very uncomfortable and awkward for me to do so given it's his family. However, if he doesn't and she tries again, I won't hold back.

This is 100 percent not ok. And I am an anthropologist so I usually have a pretty wide tolerance for different cultures. This is not only a precursor to sexual abuse but it is teaching your dd that she has no right to privacy if a more favoured person wants to play with her body.

It is completely inappropriate for your dd to bathe or sleep with a cousin who is so much older. Don’t get drawn into discussions about child sex abuse—your mother in law will have hysterics and accuse you of persecuting the favoured grandchild.

Just say “dd is not a toy she is a person. We choose to guard her privacy and are raising her to expect to be respected. She does not bathe or sleep with anyone but dh and me. That is the rule.”

Privately tell your dh “MIL is not doing your nephew any favours as she is not raising him to have good personal boundaries. If he tries to bathe eith or get into bed with any little girls he jnows at school he is going to wind up in big trouble.”

Don't tell them about your abuse because they'll belittle it like it was just in your head.

When I was 3 an older cousin of mine used to take to me to 'play'. Long story short he would have raped me had it not been another female cousin coming to look for me. He would remove my knickers and make me sit in his lap. I'd quickly get up and cry or shake because I didn't like what he was doing . I tried telling my mum once that he was 'touching my clothes' because as a 3 year old i didn't want to say he's touching my knickers. I felt embarassed.

When I was a teenager i went to visit his house next door to my gran. My gran made sure she sent someone to get me and my sister even though his wife was there. She yelled saying what are you doing there? A cousin said to me it's because then lads do dodgy things stay away (he raped another cousin when she was 12). In my head I think they're saving teens when in reality they should be protecting toddlers and babies. Those that have no voice or are too young. But now 20 years later, everyone's forgiven that guy and no one remembers what he did. The girl he raped...I told her sister what he was doing to me and she told me off saying don't talk about dirty things with my sister. I felt humiliated and embarassed. Shame 3 years later he raped her.

Thank you, that's very helpful. However, these are people who really don't see anything wrong in this situation and will disregard what I say just because it's "cute" or ok in their eyes. I discussed it with my DH again tonight and am hoping the message is clear this time. However, I am hoping to have a convo with my 7 year old to explain to her that it's not ok and that if I am not around and they offer these things to say no. My issue is how do I do that when DH is not being that supportive to agree with me to her at least. He will turn it into a " my wife is accusing my nephew" kind of thing ...

Trust your gut as a mother. I'm just really creeped out by your mil encouraging it. I'd keep an eye on her. I read something really awful in the papers a few years ago and it was actually a granddad touching his granddaughters. They only caught him because they installed a camera and he didn't know.

That's an awful story and so very sad these sick people exist! I don't have a bad gut about mil as she is generally a great person but her problem is she favours this grandson sooooo much that he could do no wrong and therefore does not see the issue with any of it. What does annoy me is that when I have been around and she's asked I've said no but the minute I leave, I either walk in on it or my kids hair is wet so I can tell. I said to my DH I would rather be proven wrong and nothing happens then God forbid be proven right and something happens to my daughter's.

Tbh what your Mil is doing looks very like grooming. Not sayings it is but she is definitely blurring the normal boundaries.

Agree 100% tell her clearly it’s not happening, it’s not cute. Explain to her you and DH are teaching DDs that their bodies are their own, they are private and they are to say no if anyone asks them to play in water, bed or anywhere else with no clothes, no exceptions, even people they like/love Explain you are teaching them this as a simple age appropriate way of keeping them safe and setting boundaries, and you don't want mixed messages.

Dig your heels in even if ehe’s offended. Aside from anything else, puberty for girls is much earlier nowadays, your 7yo will be feeling uncomfortable in short order with this carry on.