Annoyed at MIL

[Gifgaf]

We have a good relationship and she's generally a nice person. However, I've noticed when I am not around she tends to take opportunities to do things I would normally say no to for a certain reason.

Some minor examples, putting my children (one a toddler) in baths with their older cousin (10) because the older cousin wants to. I don't like them doing this and also if I have already washed my kids and clothed them why put them to be in dirty water after and not even rinse them.

Secondly, my kids only ever sleep with myself or DH/ sibling i.e. sister. We are visiting MIL and I already told my DD that she will be sleeping with me and then MIL comes in telling her grandson that he can sleep with my DD in the big bed which I am not ok with. Actually pissed me off.

I don't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions.

There's plenty more but those things have really triggered a nerve in me.

How would you feel ?

When your DH asks you if you think badly of his DN. just say yes! It is weird and not neurotypical for a 10yo boy to be asking for naked baths with a toddler nor 7yo cousin. Tell DH that! He needs to protect his DD, that is DH job as well as yours and he needs to step up and be a dad. It should not be left to 7yo DD to have to stand up for herself alone.
Emperors clothes situation here. Don’t let them all gaslight you.

I do this already with my DD and have this chat quite often about keeping secrets, or if anyone tries to touch her or make her feel uncomfortable. I am quite open with her but just pray never has to get to that..

You're not being firm enough.

I would have lost my shit at this so so badly that mil would never dare to do it again. sometimes you have to behave a little crazy for people to take you seriously.

Tell your wet blanket dp that he can support you or get out of your way, and you will deal with it in your own way regardless of losing relationships.

This is very wishy washy. Your mil won't
have gotten the message. You need to find your backbone as much as your dp.

It's time to go fucking nuclear here OP... this is just insane. It's so bloody weird I'd be wondering if your MIL is getting some perverse kick out of it. And why does a 10th at old boy want to bath/shower/sleep with his little female cousins. This is giving me the creeps.

You need to march yourself down to DH and MIL and tell them this behaviour is completely inappropriate. You don't need to bring up the potential for abuse, focus on your children's right to privacy if you must. You have the right to protect the privacy of your girls and as their mother, what you say goes and that is the absolute end of it.

If MIL persists, you will no longer have your DDs in her house, end of.

This is so fucking weird and you are 100% correct, but you need to be more than firm now.

If you have to go out without the kids I would say everytime before you leave. "Do not strip my children off. Do not put them in the bath. Bye, have fun, love you"

It's inappropriate. You don't have to talk about DN potentially abusing your children. It's inappropriate. And even if it wasn't "I'm their mother, I say no."

I don’t understand why you would continue to go out without your children when you know this situation exists?

Sorry but that family is very weird.
You need to be firm with them, especially with your DH who is meant to be guarding his child!

Go home, and don’t return until you can trust them.

I’m surprised no one has mentioned to the nephew he puts himself at risk of being accused of sexual abuse

You could frame it as also protecting the cousin from accusations where he is innocent of doing anything wrong

Your husband’s family sound like groomers. It isn’t normal for a ten year old boy to want to bathe with little girls. By that age, he should be wanting privacy. It is disturbing that the family is pushing your DD’s to give up their dignity, privacy and autonomy. If they want to play in water, put a pool in the yard, put their bathing suits on and let them play.

I would be cutting this visit short and taking my DD’s home. I would also refuse to stay at any of their homes again. I would demand my husband attend marriage counseling because he should be putting his nuclear family first. Even if this were innocent, the boundaries of his wife and children need to come before the wants of his mom and nephew. You and your husband both should read The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.

You sound really sensible and doing all the right things. Can you avoid leaving your dc while they’re around? With the best will in the world you dd7 is still very young and might find it difficult to say no and it’s a lot of responsibility for her.
what the pp said about your dn learning respect and boundaries is correct. They’re setting him up for failure. I have a dd now 12 that’s always been the oldest in family and friend groups. She has a lovely way with younger children. She’ll help friends kids at the park or soft play to give their mums a 10 min break but it would never occur to her in a million years to take them to the bathroom or to try and bathe them (or with them!) or put them to bed if they were round and i would never let her! I only ever put very small children in the bath together. It’s wild your in-laws think this acceptable.

Took a short break and came back to lots more posts and wish I could respond to every single one. However, I do agree with you all and think I need to be more firm which I have started doing. I am still quite upset with DH and with everyone actually. For me, my kids safety is always number 1 but when you are around people who think like my in laws it's easy to not see the bigger picture sometimes. The more I think about it, it is so weird for a 10 year old wanting to share a bath or bed tbh, but I also think he's still very child-like in his head but I still refuse to let them have their way with my kids. I haven't gone out since but if I do I've taken my kids with me to avoid any situation. I always thought maybe I am being an over the top mum because that's how they've made me feel but I am so glad I made this post and people have reaffirmed that I am not saying or doing anything bad.

Nothing ott with wanting to keep your daughter safe.

My DS just turned 11 and has friends who are girls and boys. They always sleep in different beds (bunkbed) and even get changed in separate rooms no matter wether it's a girl or a boy. It's all about boundaries. When they were way younger I gave them a bath together but that stopped when they were around 4-5. I think you are reasonable OP. My DS is very innocent but it's just normal to put boundaries in place.

Also, just as some 9y/o girls are menstruating (I was), some ten y/o boys have urges… I wouldn’t be going there.