Annoyed at MIL

[Gifgaf]

We have a good relationship and she's generally a nice person. However, I've noticed when I am not around she tends to take opportunities to do things I would normally say no to for a certain reason.

Some minor examples, putting my children (one a toddler) in baths with their older cousin (10) because the older cousin wants to. I don't like them doing this and also if I have already washed my kids and clothed them why put them to be in dirty water after and not even rinse them.

Secondly, my kids only ever sleep with myself or DH/ sibling i.e. sister. We are visiting MIL and I already told my DD that she will be sleeping with me and then MIL comes in telling her grandson that he can sleep with my DD in the big bed which I am not ok with. Actually pissed me off.

I don't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions.

There's plenty more but those things have really triggered a nerve in me.

How would you feel ?

She's just like them and has 0 regards for anything. They all view them like it's just kids having fun etc but not to my eyes.

The issue is she is aware I don't allow that stuff but takes opportunities while I am not there. I imagine what happens is my DH agrees to it and then they think it's ok. I've also been a non-confrontational kind of person and suffer inside which I am trying to change but when it comes to my kids I have expressed before but no boundaries are being respected while I am away because when I am there I don't allow it. Speaking with my DH just pissed me off even more so I will express more firmly to my MIL that it's not ok and let them think of me however they want.

I think these are entirely your decisions. DH needs to make it clear you and him decide about baths and sleeping arrangements

What do you do though when the mum has many times expressed no but the DH says yes while I am out ? I am hoping I was clear enough to him this time and he said it won't happen again but his body language was clearly pissed off.

@FictionalCharacter what an awful thing to have happened to you; I'm so sorry. I totally understand why you would also hate the women as much as the rapist.

@Gifgaf "Speaking with my DH just pissed me off even more so I will express more firmly to my MIL that it's not ok and let them think of me however they want." - absolutely. you need to stand up for and advocate for your DD as she can't/won't be able to.

The reasons why you're mad (sleeping/bathing arrangements) are almost inconsequential to the fact that MIL and DH appear to have no regard for the privacy and dignity for their 7 year old grandchild/daughter or no respect for your wishes on safeguarding your child. Unholy inappropriate to disregard a mothers stated boundaries for their child.

Are you staying with MIL for a holiday or is it an ongoing issue even when you're at home?

If it's just for a holiday I'd say don't go out without your DC as obviously your DH can't be trusted to do as you've asked.

If it's an ongoing issue I'd be inclined not to have MIL and the grandson at your house together if you can't be there all the time.

My DSis was abused by a 10 year old boy. It happens!

Well obviously you can’t leave your DC unsupervised with ILS. DH is useless isn’t he?

How much longer are you stuck there? Can you come back early?

I would tell DH you and DC aren’t visiting MIL house again and will stay in hotel as she can’t be trusted.

I will always advocate to the best of my ability for my daughter's because I know what I have been subject to many times and no one ever advocated for me. I am pretty upset with DH because it took for me to share something uncomfortable that happened to me in order for him to "understand", when really it should have clicked the first time with me there or not. My DD used to take me to her DS house after school and her DH used to make really uncomfortable comments about my body features and I knew it was wrong but she still took me there many times. The issue is so many family members are almost blind to seeing any wrong when it comes to their own and that's why there are probably so many bad cases of things going wrong. I really limit my kids to a lot of things for their own safety but my DH when it comes to his family, I am the one in the wrong in his eyes.

So sorry to hear that! We are only visiting for the holidays.

If she can’t respect your boundaries then she doesn’t get left alone with your children. Easy solution.

She obviously needs to be told firmly and directly that this is absolutely NOT OK. Your DH clearly won't do it so you will have to.

You won't be able to be firm and direct without saying things to her face.

@Gifgaf does your mother in law live with you? does the grandson live with mil? why would any mother or father think it is acceptable for your children to be bathing with their much older cousin?? I would not leave mil in charge of my kids again if I was you! not to be trusted!

It's odd and disturbing that a 10yo boy is seeking out/asking for intimate situations with a toddler girl.

Usually by that age kids want privacy for themselves when they bathe/get undressed. It shows a lack of boundaries he has.

You should keep in the back of your mind that this boy may have been sexually abused and is seeking out your dd to 'make sense' of what happened to him. This isn't uncommon. Most very young 'sex offenders' are themselves victims.

Do not leave them alone in any situations ever.

Does the boy have any other unusual behaviour/signs of trauma?

Next holiday stay elsewhere.. Your stress levels will drop and mil will learn the hard way.

@Gifgaf be very very careful! my hubby worked on a case many years ago and literally, all bros and sisters and couins were have incestuous sexual relations with each other when they were very young!!

You have a DH problem. He's not onboard. Until he is this will probably continue.

It's very unusual 10 year old behaviour. I wouldn't be happy.

Never stay there again.

Meanwhile, you say you're worried about saying something straight to her face.

Ask yourself why you're worried, but she's not. She continues to do exactly as she pleases regardless of how it makes you feel. It's time to turn the tables.

Maybe approach it more to do with boundaries and how kids don't know the difference of sharing a bed with cousins being okay, but a friends brother for example, not being okay. By a flat no to baths and showers/sharing beds with anyone your protecting her long term.

That stops the accusation that u have the issue with the nephew and it's more a case of safeguarding your daughter's from 'everyone else'

Apart from the constant creepy behaviour and the MIL ignoring the OP's wishes like.

I wouldn't be be leaving her alone with my kids.
You've repeatedly said no, she's ignoring you and doing it anyway and that would massively fuck me off.
Listen to your gut. It's probably innocent, but it's definitely weird as fuck. I wouldn't be risking it.

I’ve just checked NSPCC website and they still recommend separate bedrooms for children of different sexes after the age of 10, whether siblings or not. Can’t find anything about bathing or states of undress but you could contact them for advice ?

I would do three things right now:

Make it clear to your DH that you will not leave your children with him and your MIL while you are visiting your MIL, because you do not trust him or her to keep your daughter safe. He needs to understand how serious this is.

Speak clearly to your MIL with your DH present, and outline that it is not ok for her to go against your explicit instructions, not ok for her to bathe your child with your nephew, not ok to tell them that they can sleep in the same bed, and explain that this is for the protection of both your daughter and your nephew. It is ok to mention the possibility of sexual curiosity or interest as a child approaches puberty and the need for appropriate boundaries. Be clear that you are furious that your MIL has gone against your wishes and that this must never happen again. If this causes discomfort, live with the discomfort (or go home, with your children). You have been put in a situation where politeness and being the recipient of your MIL's hospitality may make you less inclined to rock the boat, but I think it is appropriate to find and express your anger. If it helps, write yourself a script for the conversation you need to have, and try to prepare yourself for sticking to it even if they try to derail you.

Suggest to your husband that he educates himself about the dangers of abuse, including within families, and how people are groomed to not see it or not to speak out if they do see it. This is a good thing for any parents to do. The world has changed so much since most of today's parents were children and there is knowledge and frankness about how abuse can happen and how to respond well. We could all do to learn about parenting in better ways. You could call the NSPCC for advice or look at the child health and development pages on their website. Ask your husband to imagine what a health visitor would say if you asked the question about whether his mother's behaviour is reasonable? Would he be willing to make an appointment with you to see your health visitor to discuss this and be open to receiving advice? If he can even begin to contemplate what sort of response he might get, he may be willing to open his mind to the dangers of abuse. Be aware that he has been brought up with his mother's world view and will find it harder to step outside of it. But he can learn.

And please trust your instincts. You are doing a great job protecting your children.

Oh OP, next time your DH accuses you of thinking his nephew is 'like that' - tell him it's not a case of DN being 'like that' but of your daughter having bodily autonomy. If she is told at this early stage of her life that she has to sleep/bath with, kiss or touch another human being (male or female) when she doesn't want to , then that stays with her throughout her life.

'SHE is the one whose feelings should be considered in this, DH, not nephew's', regardless of whether he is or isn't 'like that'. (And quite honestly, DN is being taught that females will do whatever they are told to do, to please him, so the quicker that is nipped in the bud, the better!)

And how long will DH think it's OK for DN to do as he wants with your daughters? Another 2 years? 5 years? To age 15?

FFS what is wrong with him.

Thank you for all the great advice on here! I am still feeling really angry inside but I have had a chat with my DD and made clear if I am not around and they offer those things to say no and say I want to wait till my mum is back. I am quite angry at DH and honestly making me see him in a different light at this very second. I will continue to trust my mum instincts.

👍👏😀

One thing I would instill with your kids is a “No Secrets Policy”. Make sure that they understand that there is never a good reason for a grownup to ask a kid to keep secrets from another grownup. It doesn’t matter if it’s mum or dad or grandma or grandad or a teacher, etc…. You must always tell them “We don’t keep secrets in our family. I’m going to tell Mum and Dad” and you make sure they know that when they tell you, you will believe them. This is one of the most powerful way of stopping adults from hurting kids in the first place. (It doesn’t always work of course, but it’s a powerful weapon.)