Annoyed at MIL

[Gifgaf]

We have a good relationship and she's generally a nice person. However, I've noticed when I am not around she tends to take opportunities to do things I would normally say no to for a certain reason.

Some minor examples, putting my children (one a toddler) in baths with their older cousin (10) because the older cousin wants to. I don't like them doing this and also if I have already washed my kids and clothed them why put them to be in dirty water after and not even rinse them.

Secondly, my kids only ever sleep with myself or DH/ sibling i.e. sister. We are visiting MIL and I already told my DD that she will be sleeping with me and then MIL comes in telling her grandson that he can sleep with my DD in the big bed which I am not ok with. Actually pissed me off.

I don't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions.

There's plenty more but those things have really triggered a nerve in me.

How would you feel ?

I think a 10 year old, unless with significant disabilities, should be bathing alone. However, a toddler should have adult supervision. So it's simply not appropriate for them to be in a bath together.

i would emphasise to both your DH and MiL that all the children should be taught body autonomy and the right to privacy. It is important they all learn that they don't have to be uncomfortable to humour someone else. While your children are so young you need to advocate for them.

You're doing the right thing by your children OP. I cannot comprehend how some adults believe it's ok for children from different families to bathe or shower together.

So you didn't put your foot down about the bed thing and now your DC is in bed with an older child but you don't want to say anything or step in and remove your DC to avoid a row? Or have I read that wrong? If that's the case then you're bang out of order for putting MIL's feelings before your DC's safety

i think you need to not make this personal, as it coming across a little that your not keen on dn. Keep it factual and keep asking why ? why is it so important to share a bed, listen and then say no.
Ask mil if shed like to share a bath with anyone? and then ask why dd and dn aren't given the same privacy.
Stick to your guns. Stop explaining and start being annoying, your mil and dh aren't interested in your feeling so stop being worried about theirs

Why is the main concern mil's feelings at the expense if the children? Makes zero sense to me.
MIL, I have already bathed my dd. Do not do it.
End of. 🤷‍♀️

This is so weird. Mils or cousins feelings are irrelevant here. Protect your child. I would never put my 4 year old ds in a shared bath/bed with older children like that. I had already started puberty at age 10 ffs.

Sometimes you have to turn on your inner killer. Just tell your dh in the flattest, scariest, voice you have “No one bathes or touches my daughter without my agreement. Its.Not.Happening. Tell your mother and nephew to get to fuck or don’t tell them. This is not my problem. This is not happening. Deal with it.”

I highly recommend The Gift Of Fear or Protecting The Gift by Gavin debecker about relearning to trust your instinct when it comes to safety for yourself and your children. Your MIL and husband are both colluding in pretending that this is cute/harmless. But even if nothing happens (overtly) they are teaching you and your daughter that your feelings mean nothing and your boundaries can be ignored.

Your dh is, perhaps, just a bit of a fool but he needs to wise up. Your daughter needs to know she can refuse to be someone’s plaything.

Absolutely.
I (stupidly) tried to bathe my DN8 and my toddler (both are boys) together once when looking after DN and was quickly shown by DN’s behaviour that he didn’t feel comfortable with that. I used to bathe him all the time as I look after him quite a bit. Nowadays he doesn’t even like me in the bathroom with him anymore, so I just make sure he is safe getting in and out and for everything else I am on the other side of the bathroom door as he is big enough to wash himself.

You will probably end up being the bad guy with MIL and your foolish DP, yes. Unfortunately that's the price to be paid for your daughter's safety and dignity. You will have to be very, very firm even if it means falling out with MIL and DP sulking.

I have had to say this too many times on MN because there are so many naïve people, but I was raped (more than once) by a family member when I was very little, in circumstances similar to what you're describing. And an idiot grandmother trusted a boy with me when she shouldn't have done. I've never forgiven the adults who should have protected me. When I grew older I hated my grandmother and mother for letting it happen. I hated them just as much as I hated the rapist. Don't let that happen to your little girl and you.

Your MIL is even worse because she's actively offering up your child to this boy, and deliberately waiting until your back is turned so that she can do it. The nephew has an abnormal and unhealthy interest in being in bed or a bath with a little girl. Boys of his age do have an interest in girls' bodies. She shouldn't be encouraging it. And your partner should be putting his own vulnerable child's safety and comfort first, not defending his nephew. Sadly it's common for men to assert that other men and boys are innocent, whether or not they are.

@pikkumyy77 is absolutely right. And you need to be strong now, not wibble about upsetting two extremely foolish adults who are not putting your precious, vulnerable child first. In the case of MIL I have to wonder if it's actually worse than foolishness, and she believes that men and boys should be given what they want, even if it means harming or upsetting girls. Frankly in your shoes I'd read MIL and DP the riot act, never let her be with my child again without me being in the room, keep the nephew away, and if that angers DP so much the relationship ends, so be it. That's a better outcome than your little girl ending up as damaged as me.

💯

I wouldn't leave DD out of my sight for a second for the rest of the visit. My car could be on fire, I would not step out of that house without DD.

DD sleeps with you, you bathe her, you watch her play. I don't care what you have planned for the rest of the visit, you modify them so DD is never ever alone.

Your MIL is grooming DD. No sane woman would put a naked 10 year old boy in a bath with a 7 year old girl and then insist they sleep together too.

Grooming that's the word I was looking for. Yes she's grooming her and that's it makes it so scary and sick

This has to stop. Loads of red flags here and even if your MIL genuinely believes it’s all innocent fun she is disregarding both your and your children’s (and the other children’s) boundaries. This is extremely dangerous. Many, many of us have experienced difficult or CSA situations that could have been prevented if the responsible adults had paid more attention to how important it is to have clear boundaries and respect for a child’s boundaries as well as teaching children it’s OK to say NO.
Don’t waste another second worrying about MIL or DP feelings, your children are far more important and if those two don’t get it then you’ll have to make firm decisions and show you will stick to them to the point of going no-contact.

You tell MIL that she and her grandson are not entitled to your daughter's naked bodies. You tell DH the same, just like that. If they try to make out you are being unfair then you say that their obsession with getting your children naked and/or alone is raising red flags and the fact that haven't dropped it when you said no is alarming and creepy.

FFS it's easy to remedy on your Dh part
Stop putting our daughter in these situations.
His first thought was about the nephew?.
I would be telling him our daughter is not an accessory to keep the nephew happy.

Clearly you can't leave, 10 is getting towards puberty it's too old to be bathing with a cousin particularly of the opposite sex. I'd be clear with your dh before the visit and stand your ground when you are there.

Try to be lighthearted but firm "no thank you dc had a shower she doesn't need a bath" "that's kind mil but dd is sleeping with me tonight thank you" Everytime. Teach your elder child to say no thank you too.

Don't think light-hearted is going to work in this instance as the Mil has already went against op wishes.

I won't get into the details because it really doesn't matter. You get to decide for your children obviously but you also need to be an adult and tell your Mil "NO, I prefer for her to sleep on her own" etc. My Mil never goes against my wishes out of respect. I also tell her that when she is having one of my DC I trust her judgment so she doesn't have to call me to ask about permission because I trust her judgment (which I do but she's so respectful of not going against my wishes that she keeps asking me if I'm OK with X anyway ").

Oh that is ridiculous and you are awful for saying that with absolutely no proof or basis

" Idon't want to say anything straight to her face because it may be taken wrong and cause issues. However, I am getting fed up with some of the little behaviours and not respecting my decisions...."

Well, there you are: very worried about a situation involving your child, but you won't speak up. Clearly you need to say something.
What is it with people who do not challenge behaviours that are wrong/percieved to be wrong, particularly with kids involved?
It's very highly unlikely (but not impossble) this bathing situation is nefarious in it's intention, but if it is making you uncomfortable, say something
There's another post today moaning about the 'lot' of women. Much could be addressed by actualky speaking out and taking action.
In such instances, a rant on MN will make no difference; actions speak, actions make a difference

You read it wrong, my DD slept with me but MIL jumped in prior to saying my DD and her grandson can share the bed which I didn't allow but it made me really mad. The bath thing has happened twice this week while I had to head out.

It happened while I wasn't there. I did express it loud enough to hear why they had a bath when I had just washed them this morning.

Sorry if I have missed it but what does the older boy’s mum (your SIL?) make of this? I’m completely in agreement with you and the majority of posters, and just wanted to add that I wouldn’t want my (theoretical) 10 yr old DS to be put in this position either.

Firstly, so sorry for what happened to you! You didn't deserve that and no child does.

I have expressed many times in the past that I am not ok with this kind of stuff to both DH and MIL. What's even worse is they refer to the grandson and ask if he wants to etc. It has caused tension in the past. I mentioned in the past she would throw them in the bath with no underwear & that really made me flip and then another time in my own house while I was putting my other to bed, I walk in to see my DD in a small bed sharing with grandson and it riled me up, I made her get out the bed and come sleep with me. I had another talk with DH and expressed that I am not one bit ok and first he defends by saying they were supervised which is not always the case and secondly completely missing the point and downplaying it like I just have an issue with her DN and I want to be difficult.

My DD is very close to my DH and it's like whatever he says she agrees straight away. I have told her as well many times before that I am not happy with her sharing a bed or bath etc but she is a kid and she only sees the "fun". The first time this week I went out to get something and came back a bit earlier to find them in the bath and I could see my MIL was not expecting me. I said to my DH if you can't respect my boundaries and look out for your own DH then I can't trust any of you to be alone around them.