Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable!

I was doom scrolling TikTok yesterday and came across a Mum bemoaning the same thing.

When living with her husband his job was "most important" so she took a part time job to do most of the childcare. Then when he left, he couldn't possibly have the children during the week because of his "very important" job, so the days when the children used to be in childcare now fall on "her" days, so she has to pay for them. But she can't afford them, so has had to take another job, which means the children now have to be in even more childcare, which costs even more money. All on "her" days.

All while he gets to play Disney dad at the weekends and pay over a measly percentage of his salary, then get lauded for being such a wonderful Dad because his kids adore him. Of course they adore him, they get to see only the best of him, not the stressed to hell, getting them ready and out the door to childcare version of him, like they see their mum.

Childcare costs should be factored into CMS claims IMO.

I agree, it’s disgusting. There will never be equality in this country until men are obligated to step up to their caring responsibilities, the way women are by default.

I judge colleagues & relatives. I absolutely do. If you have non resident kids and are on a decent salary but living a luxury lifestyle, I judge because someone else is paying the price.

I wasn't a big fan of ex sil, but the reason BIL got to play out his house in the country, 2.4 kids was her. The reason in his 50s he's a high earner, experienced successful job is her. The reason he has so much capital is because he was never home and paid no tax.

Too right he should be paying a fuck ton of support. Hearing his mum saying how much he does now, how generous he is, makes me ridiculously angry. He was never at the coal face during the early &middle years and he has consistently arranged his life to suit himself absolutely first.

Also, the man can bugger off with no consequences.

But if the woman then goes out for a drink and leaves the child at home on its own for an hour it's neglect. Yes it is neglect, but why is it all on her? Why is the man allowed to abdicate his responsibilities?

My daughter's father never paid a penny and saw her once a month. She is an adult now and is very aware that I provided everything, worked full-time, funded all nursery fees, together with paying the mortgage and all the bills. Children will work it out for themselves. It is not fair but what can you do?

True. But I know my brother will be her first choice. He has taken on so much of the dad role for my children over the years. We've been so lucky to have him around. He doesn't have his own children so he's been able to help me.

I wasn't thinking that it was remarkable.

More thinking along the lines of him paying for childcare which is what I think many single mothers struggle with.

Especially if they are needing full time nursery care.

When I found out a couple of years ago that this is women’s legal position when you split up from a birth father I was absolutely horrified. Sadly it was just after I had had my baby. I’m a mature Mum so had a similar wage to my husband prior to children but now work part time. Doing it all you need to be like some sort of superwomen! But it now leaves me independently worse off which is frightening!

I believe there should be an iron right draft legal document available for free which we could then get a partner to sign before/whilst pregnant which ensure they take 50/50 responsibility of all costs associated with a child up to them being 18. None of this CMS 15/25% crap (and then some don’t pay!!).

I'm coming out of the other side of this, as DD turned 18 this year.

SO WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT LADIES?

I'm serious. We can't keep on going round in this circle and letting women after us suffer in the same way we have.

A massive societal change is needed here. We're somehow getting there with societal change to the menopause. This has surely got to be the next big behemoth.

Do we need Davina? MN to get campaigning?

How do we effect change rather than moan about the situation?

This makes me so angry. It shouldn't be a choice for fathers to pay less/do less. They are equally responsible for the child they created and whatever the needs are that should be 50:50. How on earth are mothers supposed to earn money at all with the crippling costs of childcare and the men involved doing next to nothing or less than that?

We need a proper solution to this. CSA but with heft and grip that can't be escaped. The USA can do this, why can't we?

When I was in the throes of single parenting, no money from ex for our child and he only occasionally had them for a few hours a couple of times a month, I used to say that if a father did all the things that a mother did,especially a mum on her own, the BBC would be making a documentary about him. The nation would marvel and fawn over this man as he cooked, cleaned, held down a job, paid all the bills and raised the kids on his own. He would be seen as a marvel, a miracle, a hero and his selflessness would be applauded. Of course there are single dads who do a tremendous job but generally it is women who do it all

you are so right. it also annoys me how these moms are painted as feckless when if it wasnt for them stepping up the children would be in care.
cms is a joke and paying maintence should be just as important as rent council tax etc

You raise your daughter to know that there's more to life than just having a baby and if she is going to make one male sure she picks a great person to have one with. Someone who will make a great husband and a great father, someone she can rely on and trust. Tbh I doubt 99% of these crappy 'fathers' ever came close to fitting that criteria.

Good idea, but realistically a lot if women wouldn't sign it because they love and trust who they're spawning with.
It should be quite simply whoever leaves the family (because it can be the mother!) is legally obliged to pay 50% of the average cost to raise a child to 18, if it can be proven they don't have the child 50% of the time, or face some kind of criminal charge. The costs of children don't stop once they no longer need childcare!

So are women just these thick people who have no agency or any choice to procreate (and let's face it there's usually more than one kid involved, sometimes more than two different losers)? Come on, maybe we need to start to take responsibility for our choices, and by knowing that we actually pay attention when making them

You are so correct with this post OP.
My ex refused to pay anything as apparently I' did not understand about his money situation'. I went to CSA ( thats what it was called in those days). They told ex what he had to pay and he refused point blank. Nothing happened and after several years I got a letter telling me that the CSA had stopped pursuing him for the money and had written it off. He owed me £1000's. He saw the children initially every other weekend but then it all fell apart and he has no contact with them now and has not for well over 10 years. He knows nothing of their lives now and is not interested at all. No one knows his contact details or anything.Feckless does not cover it. But- there is an effect not just on women and society- my lovely DC have to live with how he behaved. Its awful.

How do we effect change rather than moan about the situation?

Make it a crime for fathers not to pay child maintenance.
Bring down the cost of childcare. Britain has some of the most expensive childcare in Europe.
Bring in flexible working where possible for everyone.
Longer paternity leave so fathers can bond with their children.

DH and I fell out with his cousin 25 ish years ago because he acted like this - boasted about not paying for his DC, told anyone that would listen that his ex was a psycho who kept the kids from him - We pulled him up on it in public and he was furious. Truth was his ex wife was devastated that he was shagging around and dabbling in drugs. He was a high earner but had his earnings paid in dividends with a tiny wage on paper.
It is unbelievably grim that this shit still goes on.

Someone really does need to do something. Simple petition or something. This is an old story that isn't going to change anytime soon otherwise.
And people need to stop blaming women for their poor choices in men (or vice versa!) because this isn't always the case - it's simply the case that men can walk away far too easily.

(And yes, I know women can walk away - but she is absolutely burned by society if she does!)

This is exactly what my ex did
They rang him (after 'trying to contact' him for around two years,even though I'd told them where he lived)
He laughed and told them 'she gets benefits for them-i ain't paying'
They took him at his word and wrote off all the money he owed and hasn't seen them in over 20 years
He tells everyone I'm the evil ex who stopped him seeing his kids
(After dragging me through the courts as a way to control me and blacken my name,as 'it's free innit?')
I'm owed thousands of pounds but he got away with it-holidays abroad,posh cars,nice clothes-while I was scraping the money together to pay for the kids tea and school shoes
If I'd had done what he did,I'd have been in prison-as it is,I'm the nasty,evil bitch ex who tried to take all his money-he even had the nerve to chase me through town,screaming at me that I'd spent all his money on my clothes,hair,nails and make up-laughable as he'd never paid a penny in the first place
It makes me so angry

Nope. That was my dad while mum ran off to another country with a younger man, and paid no maintenance for my sister and I.
I accept it's not the norm but it does happen and those dad's have it just as hard as the single mums.
And no, there was no BBC documentary made about him FFS

Totally agree with the poster. Maybe Mumsnet could raise this issue?

Being a feckless twat shouldn't save you from anything. If you're that lacking then book yourself in for a vasectomy and save everyone the hassle.

If you father a child then you're responsible for it, not ifs or buts. Whatever you have to do to provide for them should be an obvious mandate but if that doesn't appear to you naturally then there's (or bloody should be) a legal mechanism to make you do it.

Imagine how it would be if this were reversed and women would be the ones walking away (which they almost never would), there would be outcry and there would be goodness knows what in place - immediately - to make them support their children financially. No excuses and no leeway either.

The only difference is that women somehow make it work and have done that to their own detriment... because there is no choice.

I know - pretty rubbish that on the whole, women do most of the childcare and are out of pocket.

However, when the little ones are older they will appreciate their mum was always present - when they are sick, when they need physical and emotional help. They will always look to you as the person they trust to be there, not the absent father.

Therefore, the father might be having a great moment with more money and free time, but when he is older he will wonder why his children wont contact him as much.

Completely agree op. I'm always astounded that when there are discussions around child poverty, the fact that those children are most often in single mum households with the dad providing precisely fuck all is ignored!

The single biggest thing we could do to alleviate it is getting the bloody dads to pay for their kids. It's something the US and other countries do so much better than us.