Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

We've done this already....do you really think all single mums are those who had a casual fling and were careless with contraception? Please stop it.

Wow!!!!! My ExH was absolutely NOT a useless twat, he was an amazing person, would do anything for anyone, I was treated like a princess, the kids were very much planned, wanted and loved.. There was absolutely no way I could've predicted that after 20 years together, he would up and leave for the OW and become a massive wanker where his kids were concerned and choose to spend in total, 1 week a year with them.

Let's not start down the route of blaming women for their poor choices in men when none of us have a crystal ball.

It honestly is mad! My Mum raised me and my brother single handedly whilst my dad would have us once a month for the weekend and take us on holiday once a year, and everyone praised him for being the best dad ever. There’s a reason I now have nothing to do with him and my mum is one of the most important people in my life!

But it’s definitely a women thing. I have a 5 year old step son who we have 75% of the week - when I go out with friends I get asked who’s looking after him - when I say my partner everyone is like awwww sweet. HE IS HIS DAD. I am not even his birth Mum and yet I’m the default parent in most peoples eyes! It’s just so strange.

Most men are a waste of space. The number who actually pull their weight and deserve to be fathers is minuscule.

If women stopped procreating with useless men, the birth rate would fall off a cliff.

For many women, the choice is 1) have baby with useless man, 2) go it alone, or 3) remain child-free.

When I was struggling with my child doing 90 percent of everything and had a breakdown my mum told me I didn't have to have kids. Thanks mum. Hope you enjoy your nursing home xx

This was my situation 22 years ago when ex-H bailed and left me with a toddler and a baby. It makes me so sad that it is still the case now.

As soon as you are separated or divorced and they have their own place, there is literally nothing you can do to force them to step up on the child-rearing, child-care front. NOTHING.

It is a joke. I know there are also people out there who play silly buggers and deny their partners access to the children, but I think that is a minority compared to all the women left holding the baby!

On the positive side I have reaped the rewards and have two adult DC who I am really close with. They think that their Dad is a prize tool (a conclusion that they came to all by themselves) and rarely see him.

I don't disagree, but .... the majority if the time women are the ones who are 'making' men have children when they don't really want them. Any father who doesn't pull his weight, at least financially was probably a dud in the first place. I find it hard to believe these were amazing men who really wanted kids and then turned out to be a total drop-kick father.

These years are really tough OP. I do agree with you, but I don’t think it’s just single mothers. It’s just women. The dynamic is exactly the same in my household. Although DH obviously covers more than 50% of the costs because he lives here too.

Attitudes to parenting hasn’t changed in the same was as attitudes to women in the workplace and professionally. There’s still a gap.

Men need to start being able to work PT, to take shared maternity/paternity leave. It’s a societal thing. It pisses me off.

Agree with everything you say @jiarA.

My mam brought up three of us on her own with no financial support. It meant she never had a career and it wasn't until my youngest sibling had left school that she actually started to get a taste of her life for herself.

Unfortunately she passed away last year at 61.

Work wise she had only really managed to upskill and start working again in the year or so beforehand. I'll always think it's tragic she didn't really see much benefit from doing that. Having a working wage coming in for a prolonged period would have made such a difference to her.

She always felt guilty about our upbringing and that she couldn't do better. However we think she did a fantastic job in raising us and putting us on the right path.

Unfortunately the value of love, admiration, respect and gratitude from your kids doesn't get the recognition or reward it deserves.

Yup. For all the talk of feminism and equality, the country actually functions as well as it does because of the thousands of hours of free labour women donate to the economy every year. It's still a man's world. Now go and see your MP and tell them what you've told us here: you want change. You want men who father children to have to pay and do their fair share. Contact Janet Daby, minister for children and families, and tell her. Tell her what you know about other countries.

https://members.parliament.uk/member/4698/contact

Then you have a lack of imagination or aren't listening. Plenty of us married with planned kids to a guy who was perfectly hands on and dedicated til they weren't. Usually as a result of ow coming along (not blaming ow, just outlining the circumstances). It's terrifying how your best friend and teammate can literally overnight morph I to someone unrecognisable who happily sees his kids 4 days a month.

Men already can work PT and can take 6 months shared parental leave. They just don’t want to 🤷🏽‍♀️

Why did women choose to have a child with such useless men? It could be because they didn’t have feckless arsehole tattooed on their forehead.

Just to say- you are awesome mama

In that case I 100% agree! I just don't like it framed as absent fathers who don't contribute. I completely agree that is the norm (sadly) in most cases but single fathers should also have the same protections in -rare - cases where mothers don't live up to their obligations. My situation is unusual but it's big a one off.

Very well said, OP!

I stayed with abusive exDP until the youngest DC went off to uni and it wasn't much better to be honest. ExDP behaved more like an uncle than a dad. Obviously I did have the advantages of being able to go out and leave the kids with him but I still couldn't trust him because he would sometimes go out when I was also out and leave them at home alone, even when they were about 4 and 6.

And in my defence I'm not actually saying "not al men" my point was more "not all women". The title of this thread literally says it's "blatantly unfair for women" I'm just pointing out that it's actually unfair for NRP not necessarily for women. I do of course concede that's more often women. But it wasn't in my case. And I'm some ways I'd actually says it's harder to be a single dad. There aren't many others in the same situation to bond with. And in my case his parents lived in another country so no he didn't have granny on hand (before anyone suggests that)
Some mothers are shit. Some dad's step up.

I get it really, but obviously any legislation or change in process would not be sex specific, just as the CMS service is not.

Couldn’t agree more. The system is awful along with the low expectations of Dads. I often say to my husband that I find is frustrating that just because he pulls his weight he’s seen by society as an amazing Dad and husband where as it’s just expected that women do all the things that we do. The bar is set so low! The system around child support needs to change the day to day parenting is tough let alone being left to do the bill of the care while loosing out financially while men are left better off with less responsibility.

A good friend of mine was married to a guy and they struggled to conceive. They went down the IVF route and had 2 failed rounds, she was ready to throw in the towel and possibly adopt. He insisted they try just one more round, and the hot pregnant with twins. He was delighted, did everything he could to prepare, was over the moon when they arrived.

6 months later he realised twins were hard work and left her. He really was not some useless man who was forced into it. His actions shocked everyone to the point his own parents have minimal contact with him.

Stop blaming women for the actions and decisions of men.

Don't rant on MP, get a political campaign going. CM and nursery costs are completely mismatched with the mum (usually) expected to just stump up the shortfall. I'm married and unaffected but this but will happily join any campaign. Its so obviously wrong.

I suppose what should happen (as a partial, not a full solution) is that the true costs of parenting should be properly factored in - the time, often resulting in detriment to career, the full cost of childcare, costs such as transporting the child to school etc.
And then the CSA should be calculated accordingly - if you're not putting in the labour or paying 'incidentals', then you should have to pay more cash.

I became a single mum in the 80's, through no choice of my own. We were vilified in the press. Single mothers were the root of all evil.
My kids are grown up now. I,m out of the trenches, but it still pisses me off how little the political parties are willing to deal with the issue of Non paying NRP's . It's more galling because they actually have the power to. they just refuse to use it to its full force.

Until there is a stigma and shame associated with not supporting the children you created nothing will change. Literally, all it would take was a media campaign. When I was young drunk driving was common, until there was a concerted effort to show the effects of it and fines became harsh. Attitudes within society changed and now it's very much frowned upon.

I would love to see that same effort directed at feckless NRP's.

You'd think MNHQ would be all over this, the site being what it purports to be? Imagine that, a national campaign started by Mumsnet...

OP, you're not wrong. Absolutely agree with every word and that of many posters here on this topic. It really shouldn't need saying but it absolutely does.

Yea to all of what you said. I’m sick of single mothers treated like a drain but men get constant praise and adoration for the bare minimum.

My kids cost around £3000 (childcare,food,clothes etc) and all their dad contributes is £341 a month, and he has the cheek to complain about that.

something needs to change.