Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

Maybe it needs mothers to walk away from families in the same number as men. When the state has to pick up the care/cost, then it would have to change.

Also, low income NRP need to be able to afford/access suitable accommodation to house their offspring 50%. The few NRP I know live in HMO, so can't have kids there, work in hospitality and retail, so can't afford better. They can't get top up for above their own basic need.
RP can access rental/ social housing with top up even though it's difficult for some.

That would never, ever happen, wastingtimeonhere.

Can you imagine the scenario? It would be "ok, you first". I wouldn't do it, even for the greater good. My children aren't guinea pigs.

Sorry but that would just never come to pass - and that is the sticking point.

Remember this thread when the right wing press finally starts screaming about falling birth rates.

Then remember how they vilified single mothers and immigrants while remaining curiously silent about how utterly pathetic many 'men' are. Working cash in hand, drinking and gambling, moving through a string of idiotic women believing the crazy ex stories. Turning into incels when they lose their capacity to attract fresh meat.

Then see if the press finally starts telling men to shape up. Of course they won't. Expect misogyny on steroids at that point with women expected to be Handmaids.

Some mothers take the piss. Some fathers step up.

Most mothers step up. Most fathers take the piss.

Both are true. It's a question of numbers. Not all men, but overall it's a man problem.

There is a woman on Instagram who has a 10 year old. His dad has him more than 50% she pays maintenance and sees the child but she gets nothing but abuse from people. Why is it so different for women?

Things can change significantly once children are part of the relationship. Change often starts when there is a pregnancy. When formerly apparently decent men become abusive, the behaviour frequently begins during pregnancy or after children are born because women are then so much more vulnerable and 'dependent' to a degree. Financially, socially, mentally and physically vulnerable.
The dynamic between two formerly 'equal' partners can shift hugely. That's what happened to me. Mine was actually great during the planned pregnancy. After baby was born things changed. He said and did things I never thought possible.
These men can change overnight, and we women, for we are simply human too, do not have some kind of 'waste of space' psychic radar.

You are victim shaming.

reading & can't believe... $43 per week?? what an insult

Sadly you have read correctly and he is still looking for ways to get it reduced further. In the meantime he is in the pub at least 3 nights a week, runs 4 vehicles and has just had building work done on his property, CMS have been told he's on minimum wage working reduced hours. It's a joke. I have to prove that he has undeclared income, sadly I don't have time to be a PI on top of raising my kids and working.

Completely agree. I thought I'd got past the bitter stage but last month I found out my ex is retiring at 60 while I'll be working full time till I'm 67. He never did any holiday care or part time hours. I picked it all up, and earned less and had fewer career choices as a result. And some women and many men are absurdly congratulatory when the absent father spends any time whatsoever with his kids, like it's some kind of hardship. Makes me want to scream.

@lazzapazza

your post is a brilliant example of the blame applied to women. Why are we saying women should have chosen better? How about men should do better by their child… full stop. End of sentence. Stop forcing women to pick up the pieces and the blame for inadequate men. There’s so many other options… the feckless man goes to therapy, one example. Let’s make the MEN do better. Because women largely outshine them already across the board.

@AwkwardAadvark i know this woman! People need to take note of her. The abuse she gets simply for not having more time with her child compared to his father sums up my post really.

(Ive not read the whole thread yet so might be late to the party anyway )

Could we take it to mother pukka Anna Whitehouse she's done great things with the flex appeal. Recently divorced too.

Which politicians would be a good bet for this? I would absolutely pester them until they took note.

If you think that a man will evolve into a better human being after becoming a father than you are a fool.

I know like how dare she live her own life! My ex does 30 PC and pays maintenance and he's a hero!!!

Why? The vast majority of women do change when they become mothers..their priorities change, and if they dont, they generally get on with the job anyway, just not especially happily. The vast vast majority do not say "bugger this" and walk away. If women can do it, why not men? If most women accept the curtailment if their social life, fitness time, promotion prospects, why can't men? Why is it foolish to expect that?

Sadly I don't think many men at all evolve past their teenage years. But we should expect them to. And it should be seen as utterly shameful and pathetic that men are not doing this and arent embarrased!

But when everyone excuses them or congratulates them on the bare minimum calling them a good dad for showing up once in a blue moon. They get let off the hook. Whilst everyone continues to blame women who are literally keeping the world turning picking up the slack.

They need to face consequences.

Exactly this - I made a similar point about the man being able to beetle off but the woman is neglectful if she's less than perfect.

Imagine how it would be if this were reversed and women would be the ones walking away (which they almost never would), there would be outcry and there would be goodness knows what in place - immediately - to make them support their children financially. No excuses and no leeway either yes

And what really annoys me is when the feckless absent fathers then decide to come back into their children's lives when they are older expecting to be welcomed (and often are) with open arms by their children despite having effectively abandoning them at the start of their early and vulnerable lives.

@Kneidlach

comparing single mothers to the cost of running a prison is part of the problem, though. Single mothers aren’t the drain on society. It’s the absent men draining society by expecting taxpayers to pick up the tab instead of them paying their way.

I'm not sure I follow you exactly, but it depends on your ex's salary. A parent on min wage would be paying £2800 a year maintenance. A parent on median uk male wage would be paying £4500 a year in maintenance (both for 1 child, no reduction due to contact).

I reckon my kids cost about £6k a year for the basics - accommodation, energy, food, clothes, birthday and Christmas presents. So at a basic level, CMS should work out somewhere near half.

Also... and I've said it a few times so apologies for repeating myself...

Most men are inadequate fathers. Very few pull their weight fairly.

It's a question of degree. Are they inadequate in the sense of not knowing the names of their kids' friends or letting their partner bear an unfair share of the mental load? Or in pissing off with another woman, grudging every penny spent on their kids and never seeing them?

It's a spectrum of inadequacy and "should do better", not a question of "adequate"/"inadequate" in most cases.

What we're really saying to women is not "don't choose an inadequate man" but "choose a less inadequate one".

Indeed. In the main, children make men more entitled and inadequate, not less.

Men get away with it because they can. Women struggle to cope and often end up claiming benefits to survive - which means 'society' is left to pick up the tab.
I don't think that putting feckless dads in jail will help - they'll just say it's decreased their earning power further and end up paying even less (if it's possible to pay less than nothing ...).
I think we need to make not paying socially unacceptable - and there must be ways to do it.

My favourite would be doing community payback - if you owe £100 then that's 5 hours unpaid work, sweeping the streets, removing graffitti, picking litter - whatever, whilst wearing a hi viz with 'feckless father' emblazoned on the back.

Also, how about an ad campaign? - bloke in a bar / on a beach sipping cocktails. Strapline: my kids cost me nothing - because you're picking up the tab.

What else might work?

bloke in a bar / on a beach sipping cocktails. Strapline: my kids cost me nothing - because you're picking up the tab.

I love this