Just a rant about how blatantly unfair this is for women?

[jiarA]

And yes it is mainly women.

My ex does next to no parenting. I do 95% of it because he is ‘busy with work.’ Many women actually would criticise me for this and say I should TELL him to step up. I have… newsflash, he won’t.

He pays CMS which is 12 percent of his salary. Despite being a reasonable amount as he earns well, this doesn’t touch the sides of 50% of the actual costs due to nursery. He gets away with this while I meet the shortfall…and do all drops offs and picks ups and 95% of personal care for our child.

The narrative of single mothers being a drain on society.. sorry what? You mean the mothers picking up the physical, emotional and financial shortfalls of these largely absent men? The narrative is so deeply wrong it is shocking it has become a narrative at all.

Ex doesn’t need to be there if his child is unwell or needs to be picked up from nursery. But if I wasn’t there I would be considered neglectful.

My earning potential is hampered by the fact I am doing more than the lion’s share of care for our child while he does almost nothing. He will be applauded for his career and his standing in society while I am forced to fade out at least until our child is older.

There’s lots more.

These men should surely be noted for their lack of involvement with their children? Even if they cannot be forced to actually parent, it should be publicly available for all to see exactly what they pay and what they do for their child.

I know I sound bitter. I’m actually quite good fun usually - honest 😂 but all of this bollocks absolutely drains me. It feels unfair because it is!

In Brazil, people "joke" that the only real reason for men going and STAYING in jail (I.e. not being immediately released on bail) is for missing Child Support payments.
Apparently it's the only law enforcement point that does work (criminal activity is pretty high there, for those who might not know, such as cartels and gun violence).
I've lived in the UK for over 15 years and I'm sure UK could enforce this more IF there was real political taste for it! But its a "women's problem" and it's a men's world.... YANBU! It makes my blood boil too!

I've been a single parent since youngest was two and eldest was thirteen. He'd been a pretty hands on dad when the eldest two were small but had an affair and moved in with her.

I've never had any regular money from him. He's always had a reason he can't pay. No job, between jobs, has to get a rent deposit etc, etc.

He has now moved a two hour drive away and the children only see him once a month if they're lucky. I was very careful to never put any restrictions on him seeing them, gritting my teeth through the disney dad phase where the youngest children thought he was great for taking them out to the zoo for a day. They are all old enough to understand what the reality is. My 18yo (second youngest) has recently become quite upset with him for being absent and not caring about her which is heartbreaking for me to see.

The resentment is there for having had the long years of slog and financial pressure but now they are becoming adults I can look at them and know I raised these lovely young people who are hardworking and caring. I know I am the one they consider their parent and family.

i couldn’t agree more.
It was exactly the same 30 years ago - very disappointed to hear it’s not improved at all.

Added to this, you’re thought of being a part timer/shirker at work because you have to go on time to collect kids, and as being difficult to manage because you insist your contract terms of flexibility are adhered to because you literally cannot be in 2 places at once.

All designed to hold women back and promote lazy, shameless, useless men.

I've been aware of this since the 80's (I was married but a lot of my friends were becoming LPs). The problem is younger women think they have equality and in a lot of ways they have. They are also often convinced by young men that somehow they have it easier etc. So the support isn't there from outside the demographic of those who are affected. Older women 'karens' are written off as bitter/crazy etc (which is why the term karen isn't something to laugh about). No, we've just figured out how things are weighted against women. Then the younger women get pregnant and fucked over. It's unbelievable how many, even on here think that they should be saving up to cover the same portion of bills, while on ML. The thread about teeth was interesting because it's a maternity related expence. Then there's pensions. All young women should be taught to quiz men about what being a Dad looks like to them and how they are going to fare financially, from conception. Wife work should be a thing of the past. There just isn't the support, the same people who don't want immigration, also have issues with making sure children are supported by both parents.

@Thatsawrap1 you are right that it makes a huge difference, but I used paid childcare and had to run close to the wind a lot with work. I'm a teacher so if I'm off, someone has to cover. I make sure that when I'm there, I do all I can, extra lunch clubs etc so I build up goodwill for when I'm off. I do have the advantage of being off in the holidays. I don't think it's helpful for us to go for the "who has it hardest" approach..I just wanted to challenge the idea that a person, regardless of sex, can't possibly work full time and parent which is what a lot of these absent fathers seem to think.

@Tumbleweed101 yet your DD will still be told that he should be her choice to walk her down the isle.

This. My career and pension suffered due to maternity leave and him not doing anything. Despite being married. He trapped me.

But when women do try to open their eyes and perhaps let other women and girls know the signs to look for in potential rubbish partners. We get told not all men !!!

Men need to stop lying about who they are. They aren't on first dates saying I'm a selfish arsehole it's lies but if the women are taking it slow and really trying to observe they have trust issues! It's always the womens fault and never the man's.

I hear men in work settings telling eachother oh well you're a good guy you tried your best takes two to tango in regards to divorce/not seeing the kids. They need to be pulling eachother up but for that they need to have the moral compass and integrity in the first place. We have a much much bigger problem with men than I feel lots of people realise. Because the reality of it is terrifying to look at.

The comment about men not really wanting children but it's part of status and part of having a relationship/access to sex/maid/makes life comfortable so they go along. I would extend that to say lots don't even want a partner in the same way that women are looking for partnership. They see women and children as less than,something that should serve them when it's on their terms and easy. But absolutely never equal.

@RhaenysRocks oh absolutely. It’s more if people leave out any help they are getting from family it can be an unfair comparison. I think the difference is an absolutely massive tbh .

Very well said. Women end up carrying the can and this is seen as 'normal' in a society that has changed a lot, so that women are now expected to work full-time as well as look after home and children. Unjust in buckets!

Years ago now, but at one point my ex was paying £30 pw CSA and for that got child care 6 days pw so he could do his self employed job (hence the low payment to me) and all the activities - swimming, ballet, school uniform, tap, piano, parties, you name it, I provided it. It cost me £20 pw for breakfast club each morning so I could get to my low paid job. As OP said, there was no way to make him contribute. At one hearing, when I pleaded for a contribution, it was decided my daughter should stay there two nights pw. His girlfriend covered the childcare because it was a night he went out drinking, and I got even less money.

To be quite honest, i don't know who is worse there, your ex or the women who jumped into bed with him on the 1st or 2nd "date".

Fwiw i do know a genuine widower, he didn't do that and women didn't throw themselves at him either, despite him having a young child, who he brought up very well.

This always made me laugh - Katherine Ryan https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiCj5-p0YWIAxXyZkEAHYjPOXgQwqsBegQIDBAF&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fstandupcomedyvideoworld%2Fvideos%2Fkatherine-ryan-single-moms-vs-single-dads%2F477855732851122%2F&usg=AOvVaw39CAMMFAmXg0ISxF8vvmJk&opi=89978449

@thiscantbemylife so similar with me. My ex is applauded in society for his career. He makes loads. He has a big ego. And he’s one of the biggest misogynist going.

It does get easier mentally - at least it has for me. But I will never ever be with a man who shows any signs of misogyny. Obviously that makes the pool very small.

Yup. I completely agree. There's a picture going viral in FB at the moment of a man saying he won't date a single mum, and woman responding that she wouldn't date a single dad, and the comments tend to produce a lot of vitriol about single mums. Some men even saying the woman choose to have children and the man did not, so should be 'let off' Sadly, there's a massive school of thought that single mums:

• trapped a man
• bring drama
• there must be something wrong with her if she's single.
• are desperate

There was an incel movement on X where men were screenshotting single mum's profiles and adding them to a particular hash tag. Just pure evil taking someone who is putting themselves out there in a very vulnerable position and humiliate them. The same shame isn't given to dads.

Single mums find it hard to build relationships because we have to build a dating life around our children, whereas exH has all 7 evenings free.

His mortgage is cheaper as he got a 1 bed flat. His car running costs are cheaper as he doesn't do any school runs, take dd to birthday parties (he will switch days if she has a party on a Sunday and make out he's doing me a favour so I can socialise with the other school mum), he doesn't take her to or pay for any of her clubs, but will turn up to prize events, concerts and recitals to take pictures to show his family and friends and reap the glory of what an amazing dad he is. He doesn't have to exert any mental energy thinking of dentist appointments, school events, etc.

Meanwhile, everything thinks the sun shines out of his arse because he pays £5 more CMS than he should and once a week he takes her back to his house, walks around the house in his undies for 6 hours even even though she's told him it makes her uncomfortable, and then brings her back. Sometimes, if she's very lucky, he'll take her to softplay where he can sit on his phone and ignore her.

OP You are absolutely correct

I'm a woman who's not affected directly by this but am equally outraged. It affects us all indirectly because it reflects how women are generally viewed on and treated in society. We are constantly told that feminism is superfluous now and we have equal treatment. Well certainly not on this issue.

Other women can bury their head in the sand because it doesn't impact them specifically but many of those may be affected some day, sadly. And many others might have been affected if they hadn't been fortunate.

We can start by not fawning over those men that sometimes look after their own children. It's not a greater achievement than the millions of women that do it without any praise. And by treating those men that never have their children as the lazy, selfish arses they are (I know there are some men that can't have their children for legitimate reasons - but I'm talking about the majority who have no excuses).

Is it more about power and control for men then I wonder. If they aren't looking for equal partners also not wanting children.

(Obviously namalt)

Tbh I am surprised that in a country with such high childcare cost it is not calculated in CMS so men have to pay half.
Unless he got some sort of settlement in place where he pays for total upkeep, home etc for mother and child and she got no reason to work.

In many Euopean countries childcare is such a small amount and you obviously get a discount if you are a single mother.

Whilst I very much agree; Sometimes I am caught wondering 'why did you have a child with that man? You knew he was a waste of space to begin with'. So there is sometimes the element of questionable decision making too.

But it's also entirely their fault if the men they have children with are incompetent & useless.

Who's fault is it if women are completely blameless?

Unless you're in a forced marriage, you chose to have kids with the useless twat and continued to have kids with him.

I don't know how many times I've read on here of a woman having her third child with some arsehole who spends all his free time cycling and does nothing at home.

There are plenty of red flags that a man is not going to step up after having children. Some women are so determined to live the dream that they turn a blind eye and think he'll change. Then they continue having kids with him.

Then they're on MN wringing their hands and complaining that the useless twat is being a useless twat.

other countries like Germany enforce parental contributions. Should be deducted at source. Mothers go without everything to put their children first. It is such an outrageous inequality.

See it has an investment. You might 'pay' much more currently in terms of finances, time, energy, sacrifices etc....

BUT it's you who will pick up all the rewards. I've been exactly where you are. My kids are now young adults. My relationship with them is amazing. They bring me so much fulfillment, joy, laughter, a sense of belonging, and being loved. It's priceless.

Their dad....it doesn't get much of it at all. They realised that he never had much in him to give them anything and despite doing everything I could to build that bond, he never embraced it because it was too much effort. They now don't have much interest in their dad. I get it for two. He moans about it and I tell him that he had 18 years to invest in them. He didn't and that's his loss.

I agree with you, OP.

And it's not just NRPs though it is of course usually financially much harder for single parents.

Even within relationships, a vanishingly small number of men pull their weight. The family may see more of the money but not always - it's not unusual for a father to be spending thousands on hobbies while the mother struggles to pay for childcare and feed and clothe the kids.

Why didn't the waste of space grow and evolve into a better human being? Why does he not get judged on his questionable life decisions?

Why does every woman have to be a walking lie detector.
Why do women get told to give them another chance or do their bloody ironing (anyone see that thread?)

Women are shat on for whatever they do. Let's put the spotlight on men.