Does your Dh play with your dc after work & at weekends?

[Goinglocodowninacapulco]

Just curious to see how it is for others…

Dh arrives home 5.30/6 pm, often heads to the toilet for ages or sits down on his phone. Dd often asks him to play with him, he’ll usually say he just got back from work or he’s sitting down at the moment. It’s been very hot at the moment and Dd is usually in the pool at the end of the day (kids pool, but v large and deep, can fit adults in) she always excitedly asks him if he wants to come in with her and his response ‘Not today, I’m sorry, another day’ and proceeds to either go inside with his phone or has to sit outside watching her if I decide to go upstairs, almost forcing him to. I just feel so sad for her, he’ll sometimes play at the weekend after a fair amount of asking, he’ll never be the one to ask her if she wants to play or to independently take her out somewhere, if I try to say something to him, he puts it on me and says I could go in the pool…I’m with Dd all day and always doing fun activities with her and I enjoy it

My dh gets in at 6 and has tea. He will play switch with ds if asking for an hour. We do bed time together.

I work Saturday so dh entertains ds. He doesn't take him out much just local park or a bike ride. H he e will also do board games/crafts with him.

Sunday either I take DS out or we do something as a family

I think there are different ways of being present and engaged even if play is tricky. Eg not everyone loves imaginary play or board games but will do different activities. That could be ferrying them to places, reading/home work help or perhaps more physical things like riding a bike or chucking balls around. ‘Play’ isn’t necessarily the only thing but if there are no interactions at all over evenings or weekends then that is a different kettle of fish entirely.

Yes, they have a play flight most nights which is what my son likes to do, or he will help him building lego and construction stuff.

We also do alternate bed times, so on his evenings he will spend more time with our child reading books etc .

Your husband needs to do try harder.

Yeah my husband (high pressure role) comes home and always seeks out our DS (5) to say hello to and then they’ll either spend some time chatting and messing around or they’ll head outside to play basketball/ football. Sometimes they’ll head to the shop or he takes him swimming after work as they’re both water babies and I fake it till I make it! We all eat together usually and we both do bedtime together anyway so alternate one of us doing a story etc. I get people need downtime but as adults we get that once he’s in bed and they really are little for such a short time in the grand scheme so even when I see he’s tired I appreciate he still always wants to talk to our son about his day first. Obviously if he’s had a super busy day I’ll take our son to the shop to give him 15 minutes or some nights I’ll take him to clubs etc. It’s a balance as partners to know when the other could do with some space but he’d never indicate to our son that he was a chore.

I’m surprised anyone is defending your DH to be honest OP. Yes we all need a bit of decompression time after a day of work/ commuting but what about the parent that has been at home with the child all day? Do they not deserve that too? I’ve had a few very stressful jobs over the years & I still think that the all encompassing nature of childcare blows most of them out of the water! My DD is ND though so maybe that’s partly why. But my DP has always been very hands on with DD & with recognising that I need a break when he gets back from work. He also takes DD out regularly independently. What does your DH do with your DD when you’re working? I’m sorry OP but he sounds quite disengaged & I can understand why you feel sad for DD.

My dad was a farmer.
Gone from before we got up in the mornings and not home until dark. In the summer he’d not get home sometimes until 11pm because that’s how long it took the fruit to get packed.
He’d sit in his easy chair and my sister and I would play “beauty parlour” on him — we’d arrange his hair with clips and once, we painted his toenails, which he promptly forgot.
It was family laugh that Dad went to the doctor with ten bright red toenails for his annual checkup.
But no — he didn’t “play with us” — poor guy was exhausted. We got that.

Yes of course he did. Because he is their parent and not an arse.

Honestly op he sounds shit and you need to call him out before he does long term damage to your children into adults
My husband works away every other week he runs his own business the weeks he's home after his office hours he takes them to local park to practise bike / scooter. Plays catching them in the net' a huge blanket and pretends they're fish it's the sweetest. He doesn't often do bath time unless I'm not there he'll do a few emails whilst I watch them then he'll brush my eldests hair and do little ones teeth and we do 2 books each.
Weekends are 50/50

It’s not about what is enjoyment for the adult, play is the way kids connect with their parents and studies have shown whilst cuddles with mum produce oxytocin in kids playing with dads produces the same amount. So playing with your child is important.

Yes of course he does his part with our children and home. If not he could look around for another wife.

My BIL finishes work and goes straight to his bedroom with four cans, watches tv, comes and eats dinner then sits alone upstairs and goes to sleep.

He says as he gets up at 4am and does a physical job that he deserves a rest and as my sister is only past time that she needs to “deal with the kids”

My sister hates playing with her kids and they often entertain themselves.

My sister and BIL love their kids but I think they had them as it was the expected thing to do. They were both young and my sister will use any excuse to palm them off. She has told me many times she had no idea how hard parenting was and she wishes she’d enjoyed freedom in her youth and remained child free.

The kids have everything they ask for (material wise) and are loved, fed, clothed, live in a nice house with pets they love. I’ve never seen my sister or BIL play with them though.
They take the kids on holiday and for days out but it’s usually something like a big playground or a kids activity group so they go off alone.

My DP adores kids and has a big family, whenever we looked after my niece and nephew he’d play football, beauty salons where he’d end up with painted toenails and make up on, have races, dance competitions, play shops etc…

One day in front of my BIL my nephew said “I wish daddy played with us like you”
My BIL was absolutely gutted and for a while took them out on bikes, played Lego, read stories, it just didn’t last because he hated it.

My niece and nephew are a bit older now and are happy enough. My sister argues what was the point in doing something that gave her and BIL no pleasure? She felt the kids would pick up on the fact they were faking it.

A lot of my friends are similar in that the kids do hobbies and activities and go on days out but my friends don’t really play with them. They often do baking and crafts and play with grandparents and aunties.

I think it’s lovely when people play with their kids but as long as they spend time with them do they need to play if they hate it?

My opinion really doesn’t matter though as I’m childfree, I knew that I’d find nothing more boring then playing for hours with kids so didn’t have any.
I don’t know why I commented… just musing I guess.
As most people commented that they do play with their kids I thought I’d add the other side of it.

Yes, my DH works a very demanding job that often involves a lot of travel but when he is home he is fully engaged with the children. As soon as work is over, he plays with them, takes them outside to scooter or ride bikes, plays board games with them and we both do bath and bedtime together. On weekends he will often take the children for a full day out so I can have alone time at home. And when he travels for work he sends videos to show the children where he is, sends pictures of things that he thinks they will like and he always video calls them at bedtime.

This is normal behaviour and I wouldn't tolerate a partner who wasn't this engaged. Moreover, its not childcare! Its playing with you children and interacting with them--there should be plenty of rest time once DC are in bed.

In all honesty I don't know why your DH agreed to have a kid in the first place.

When mine were young DH would play with them at the weekends. He’d initiate taking them out and he’d get involved with whatever they were doing if they asked him to play. But in the week after work he was just too tired. He’d fob them off until bedtime. But he did do every other bedtime. Reading to them, talking to them and making their toys come alive. They’re teens now and don’t want him to play, but he chats to them every night before bed and they love it. They have a really close bond because he’s put that effort in.

It’s a bit shitty to be honest. Did he want a kid?
my DH has a very high level job (think executive/c-suite level) so quite draining/ stressful and yet he can’t wait to get home to play with DC. He’s always game for whatever DC requests to do even last minute. Sometimes he’d beat me to pick up from school so that he gets the after - school excited hugs and chatter.

I think he could give her 10-15 mins of special connected time

I wouldn't say low standards. Children need to learn to occupy themselves. Most kids our generation wouldn't have had parents entertaining them non stop and we still thrived.

No one’s asking for non stop playing though, simply not to brush off your child and go sit in another room? You don’t have to be dressed is a Disney character performing skits to give kids some quality time. Why on earth would you have children to simply force them to spend their time alone?

What OP describes isn’t her child learning to be self sufficient (which they don’t need to be so young anyway, they literally need social interaction) but it’s learning that dad see’s her as a chore, as a drain on the time he otherwise enjoys without her. She’s learning her needs and relationship with him isn’t a priority to him.

j an ideal world yes he should play with DD.However its hot ,and if he does a physical job then he most likely needs to decompress first. Maybe a bedtime story or little chat would be better ?

@Salumthecat your post made me feel really sad for your sisters' children.

Yes, parents should play even if they find it mind-numbingly dull, because it's how children develop, learn new skills and bond with you (and each other). It's really important for their development.

I have no doubt my dad had things he'd rather be doing than playing in my "den" in the garden after work, or taking me to soft play and going down the drop slide, or learning to rollerblade so he could take me on weekends - but he did it anyway.

@ALunchbox why are you assuming that playing with your children means they never learn to entertain themselves?

My DH has always been hands on and done a lot with the kids. How old is your DD? I have to admit my DH really wasn't good at toddler play. I'm talking about imaginative play with teddies, colouring, painting etc. I didn't push it because I could see he wasn't into it, whereas I quite enjoyed it! However he still did lots with them as toddlers such as taking them swimming, playing with a ball in the garden, taking them to museums, parks etc, playing simple card games. He works really long hours so wouldn't play every but did loads at the weekend.

@tearsandtiaras If all you do is play with DD all day whilst he works you both may have a different perspective on what enjoyment is

Yep, of course a SAHP just plays all day long.

Yes, he’s brilliant with her and far better than me at playing with her. I came down from sorting washing yesterday morning and they’d built a huge den in the living room, he has to pretend to be a monster and chase her round the garden, they play what she calls the ‘sneaking game’ and try to sneak up on me. He helps her look after her ‘babies’ (dolls) or they pretend to be going camping. He does most bath times when he’s home in time and she doesn’t like it when it ends up being me because ‘daddy bath time is more fun’.

I think he’s less keen on taking her out on her own, though he’s been doing it this week as he’s on AL to cover some childcare as I’ve used all mine up! (He’s never actually taken any leave for childcare before and to do this week took some significant persuasion as ‘he’d rather save it’ so he’s definitely not perfect!!) They’ve just been on big walks though, off out in the hills with a picnic. I can’t imagine him doing anything like soft play, swimming etc voluntarily on his own, though would come with us if I pressed it.

I was an Early Years teacher for 16 years, I really thought play would be my bag - I put loads into collecting all the ideas and resources etc for her but as it turns out I’m nowhere near as good as him. I quite enjoy the small world figures and making up stories with them, but as it turns out DD has little to no interest in that type of play. I will do more things like cooking, colouring or painting, little board games, reading books, play dough etc.

But doing a jigsaw or drawing with your kid for 20 mins isn't going to prevent them learning to self occupy.

My DD is brilliant at playing on her own, but she also has lots of interaction with both of us, which she adores. And the difference in her reaction to Daddy coming home to some of my friends kids whose dad's come home and go straight on the playstation or on their phone or whatever is unreal. She's so excited to see him.

Playing with your small children really builds your relationship with them. It builds their trust in you. It's as important as, if not more than, them learning to self occupy.