I've done something awful when drunk. What on earth do I do?

[Hangxietic]

I'd been dating a man who hasn't been treating me well. I don't want to go into details but he really hasn't.

It's really been a horrible situation with him and we finally called it off. We work in the same industry. He is well liked but I've seen a very different side to him.

I got drunk at an industry event and, for reasons I can't even begin to fathom, I bad mouthed him pretty badly. I don't remember much but I know I was chatting to other women, who I thought would sympathise or at least not repeat it. Nothing I said was untrue, or in any detail, but I told people what I thought of him.

This is absolutely not in my nature at all. I can not believe I did it. I am honestly the kindest human on the planet usually where I don't have a bad word to say to anyone. I'm also usually really professional and would never speak about anything personal at a work related event. Even on the rare occasions I drink, I'm very measured about my behaviour. I must've had so much to drink and so many pent up feelings I'd not let out.

I cannot even begin to fathom what I was thinking. I have hazy memories of it. I certainly woke up knowing I had been inappropriate but it wasn't until he called me that I knew what I'd said.

Within 24 hours, all of these women have gone back to him and told him what I said. Word for word. Obviously I am disappointed they'd do this, but the blame is on me for opening my mouth.

He is (rightly) enraged.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it. I want to leave my job, move back to my home country and never be seen again, honestly. I couldn't feel worse about myself than I do right now.

I have of course apologised profusely and asked what I can do to rectify the situation, but he hasn't replied to me yet.

sisterhood?really?you got plastered and made explicit demeaning comments about a colleague. No wonder the women told him. You must have presented as spurned and unstable. If it were my colleague male or female I’d definitely report and disclose that a havering drunk was casting aspersions

You'd best hope that he doesnt raise a greviance. Let’s face it he’s got lots of collateral

You’ve trashed your own reputation

As long as you told the truth, I wouldn't feel bad. He wronged you, you told people. Stop apologising. Awful of the other women to tell him, though.

A former colleague of mine once got drunk at a Christmas party and told me how awful her ex (who was also her boss) was. We weren't friends but I liked her and would never betray another woman by telling him that, so I kept it to myself. Plus I was on her side. Always thought she was way out of his league frankly.

You know this but probably don't drink more than a glass or so at work events again. But also be kind to yourself. This isn't a big deal, and you weren't the one in the wrong. He was.

We have ALL been in this scenario. Don't beat yourself up. You've apologized. If he accepts it or not, that really doesn't concern you. These women are clearly not your friends (or allies), lesson learned.

Move on. Before you know it, everyone will have forgotten about it. Don't make it into a bigger deal than it is.

If you genuinely told the truth I wouldn’t have apologised to him, but it’s done now.

A harsh way to learn there ain’t no such thing as the sisterhood. This will pass but in the meantime just focus on restoring your own reputation in work.

We need more woman like you not less!

Well done.

I know there is fall out, but go with it, don't apologise. These idiots don't know him. You can substantiate everything you've said.

Bless you 👊

This is how this sort of bloke survives, isn't it, because of the handmaidens who will protect a goodlooking man rather than actually listen to someone who knows him better.

Oh just fuck him off! Don't apologise to him! He treated you like crap and you told people, it's not illegal. Don't give the twat any more power over you and stop walking on egg shells trying not to upset him. Hold your head high!

Just leaving it be as the incident slowly fades to the background is the best course of action here. Never too late in life to learn the golden rule "Coworkers are NEVER your friends and wont EVER be your friends".

He's only pissed off because you told the truth.

if you insist, be ashamed of how you said it, but not of what you said. If anyone asks you about it, just calmly say that while you regret being drunk at the time, what you said was accurate. Then move on. You have proffered an apology and he hasn’t had the good grace to respond in kind (or at all). So you have done your bit. Learn from it, stay sober at work (yes, of course that includes functions) and move on.

That’s the end of the professional advice. As one woman to another: fuck him.

For your sake I would stop drinking any alcohol at work events. It's just not worth it. I stopped for this reason and then stopped because I didn't miss it at all.

It's so easy to destroy your hard-earned reputation and people have such elephantine memories when it comes to the wrong-doing of women. Men can do as they like; women cannot.

Your ex isn't worth your thoughts and these women aren't either. Don't give them another thought - and definitely don't apologise - but never ever put yourself in this position again.

Stop worrying and try to move past it. Once these tell tale tits other women find out what he's like, and they will, eventually you can hold your head high.

Release yourself from the situation in your mind. Have a time off the booze and spend time with other people.

As every word spoken was the truth he’s the one who should be worrying now that people know how shitty he is. Not you.

You'd best hope that he doesnt raise a greviance. Let’s face it he’s got lots of collateral

What collateral has he got @Zone2NorthLondon? From what I understand they work in the same industry not in the same company (unless I've misunderstood?). He wasn't there, he's just been told something secondhand that was said at an industry social event. It won't be good for him if he tries to raise a grievance and I'm sure he doesn't want to have to give context to the comments OP made. There's no way he will be doing anything about this.

Yes, OP was unwise to drink too much in the work context but "you must have presented as spurned and unstable" is a bit of a stretch isn't it? We don't know how this man has treated OP but I am sick of the requirement of women to be "dignified" and keep quiet about poor treatment.

Lesson learnt these women are not your friends. Or nice people. You spoke the truth, you don't owe him anything.

I would tell him to fuck off or I'll give them all the details too.

I think there is a huge difference between offloading to friends about someone and doing it at an industry where he is known. He may have been a shit, but you don't discuss it with others who may work with him.

Sorry, but I think you were in the wrong here, no matter what he has done. Of course this is MN - any excuse to badmouth a man!

The moral of the story is, don't get so drunk that your mouth runs away on you.

It's his problem for treating you badly in the first place. Why should you feel ashamed of the truth? It's not like you've been slanderous.

I completely agree with the person who said that abusers thrive in secrecy. He feels threatened and is trying to make you feel bad. Ignore and get on with doing a good job as usual.

Not sure why you’re getting all these affirmative you go girl, we need more like you posts. You’re the spurned ex who got plastered and slagged of the man, who is by your an own account well liked and charming. But you expected sisterhood and camaraderie from females, because they were females? No one can definitively say you are right about him as there is an aspect of well you would say that,wouldn’t you

You'll have to apologise profusely and hope it’s not harmed your profession reputation.

Be more contained and professional, don’t use work events toair gripes about your ex. Spurned lovers never emerge well from slagging off their ex, certainly not in work. Certainly not given you said he's well liked. Finally, do credit other women some savvy. They’re. It compelled to agree with your drunken havering. Nor does the fact that your drunken account was relayed back to him mean that every woman fancies him, it means you presented inappropriately and they felt compelled to tell him

Tough shit if he's enraged. He shouldn't be such a twat. Don't apologise to him again.

Are there any professional implications for you for being drunk or indiscreet at a work event? Or for enraging him? Possible loss of business?

If yes, then there’s bound to be a way to fix that.

If not, IMHO there’s nothing more you can do. You’ve apologised to him.

You won’t be the first person who’s got pissed and loose-lipped at a work event. Any empathetic person would understand you were drunkenly venting having been treated badly, and not go stirring the pot.

From a professional pov, they should perhaps have been mindful of showing you they’re discreet and trustworthy.

Here’s what you do OP - you own it! You told the truth about him. You were drunk.
If he bleats at you again, remind him that without the booze. You might remember more details to tell!

The accounts of the others who relayed back what has been said
Observable behaviour eg intoxicated
@Hangxietic reported she knew she was inappropriate
@Hangxietic reported she let up pent up emotions
⬆️ try all of that for collateral for starters

Hard to raise a grievance if outside of work.

At the end of the day, if you didn’t lie I wouldn’t be giving a fuck about what his handmaidens think. No you shouldn’t have slagged him at a work event, but we’ve all been there. If you’re in the right you’re in the right. The fact they all ran to tell him is weird as fuck. Even men I like at work, if their ex had a few too many and started slagging them I would probably just put them in a taxi and send them home, no need to shit stir.