Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

I work in a male dominated industry. All of the married women here keep using their maiden name for work - it's the name associated with their qualifications and post grad experience for many years so they just keep it going. Even the ones with the difficult to pronounce names.

I use my married name locally - the kids school and in the neighbourhood because we live in a house inherited from FIL so it's known as that surname. I'll still use maiden names for deliveries because there's another person with my initial and married surname nearby and the postie gets us mixed up occasionally but on utilites and on other things I go by the married name for convenience.

I changed in on social media as I had a few ex's crawl out of the woodwork and track me down that way, but in work, on my official ID, and finances I use my maiden name. Equally, though it's not happened me in years, it also means that colleagues find it harder to search for your SM. The division between my personal life and my work life is preferable for me. Naturally the people on my team know my husband's name and my married surname but a rando from a different team wouldn't find me.

I prefer it this way. Our names wouldn't double barrel nicely at all. And I get to feel both my own identity as before but also feel like I'm part of the clan DH and I made. FWIW, we've been together a long time and DH had zero preference. It didn't even occur to him to ask me if I'd be changing or not, said it was my decision and it doesn't signify anything either way.

I'm not at all snide about my brother taking his wives name/being a SAH parent. I think its great, he struggled with the stress of his job in London and I think having this time out has been great for him and he is a brilliant Dad. And I fully get why he changed his name, it was a positive move for him after many years of bullying. He had already semi ditched it anyway, using his middle name as a surname as its a name which worked as either. Him being the primary carer was just something that worked for them, she was the higher earner and more career driven, rather than it being some ideological protest against the patriachy.

I was more responding to a previous posterwho said that those of us who take our husbands names are doing something wrong as we aren't 'chipping away at the patriachy', and that they would probably be jolly pleased with a man like him who had taken his wife's name and was the primary carer.

I’ve never regretted not changing my name. I can change it if I want in the future. I don’t think I’ll bother though

I was more responding to a previous posterwho said that those of us who take our husbands names are doing something wrong as we aren't 'chipping away at the patriachy', and that they would probably be jolly pleased with a man like him who had taken his wife's name and was the primary carer.

Actually I did not say they were doing anything wrong.

I just said that changing your name does not chip away at the patriarchy. Whether people choose to chip away or not in any given context is up to them.

( think I mentioned defensiveness….)

As it happens yes, a man who takes his wife’s name, becomes a SAHP etc is challenging the patriarchy, and does no doubt experience banter, hostility or upset from his family, etc. So good for him for not succumbing to it.

But the fact that men do experience challenge to do these things is further demonstration that the environment is not neutral and there is cultural expectation and pressure on women (and men) to adopt the patriarchal norms.

Married 24 years. I use my maiden name professionally and have never used my married name on any legal documents/passport/driving licence.
Socially in the area we moved to after marriage I'm known by my married name which doesn't bother me. I had some hassle travelling with my DS when he was younger and our surnames were different but it wasn't that inconvenient.
My mother changed her name on marriage and it was her legal surname for 50 years but in her latter years with dementia she didn't answer to it at all and only answered to her original surname.

@blossomtoes @izzymoon women might choose to change their name upon marriage for practical, emotional or symbolic reasons, all of which presumably she sees as a tangible benefit

I don't understand why this bothers others so much. It's patronising and insulting to suggest that women who do so are somehow lacking in agency or intelligence.

In other words you can’t tell me what tangible benefit I’m missing out on by not changing my name. On the other hand I can tell you a tangible benefit of not doing so - I missed out on hours of tedious and unnecessary life admin and bureaucracy.

Well, marriage clearly represents different things to different people as your reply demonstrates.

A name makes you no more or less married.

I took my husband’s name because I wanted it to be obvious that we were a married couple. To me that was a benefit.

Of course my husband could have changed his name but he didn’t want to. He was OK with me keeping my name if I wanted to.

I am still the same person with a different name. It’s my name now.

My hubby added on to his name when we married and was very happy to do so. I also added on to mine. So we are both double-barrelled and share the same last name.
No way on earth would I have changed or added on to mine had he not been willing to do the same.

Why was it important that people knew that you are a married couple?

@Fahran Why didn't your husband want to change his last name?

Because I wanted it to be. No other reason,

I don’t know. I didn’t ask, and he didn’t ask why I would want to keep mine.

Odd comment that you want it to be obvious you are married but don’t know why?

Why is it only women that want to change their name to show they’re married, become a family, have the same name as their kids, or whatever other practical, emotional and symbolic reasons?

if a woman doesn’t want to change her name, men shrug and say that’s fine. But why aren’t they changing their names?

why isn’t it equally important to men that people know they’re married? Why aren’t they bothered about being a family unit or “showing how much he loves her”.

that’s why it’s still an unequal practice. Women, and society generally, are still accepting that it must be them making the changes as marriage and family life is what matters to women. Men don’t care, and there is still the underlying message that women chase men for marriage.

Out of interest you can actually have two names in your passport (not merged together or double barrelled). I’ve got it. You write to them and get them to list it as an observation.

So my passport says ‘Mrs Cake’ and then on the official observations page it says ‘also known as Miss Biscuits’ and the added bonus of that is I can use it as photo ID for both names.

I use my birth name for work.

I don't think he has experienced any hostility. As I said, he was really struggling (we think he is undiagnosed ND, he agrees but sees no benefit in seeking a diagnosis as is his choice) with a high pressure job and we were concerned about his mental health deteriorating. He is much happier person as a SAHP, now the pressure is off, and we are all very happy to see him more relaxed. Name change- again a positive move for him to help him move on from bullying attached to his original name. He hasn't had any negativity around this that I'm aware of. My husbands friend also took his wife's name and became a SAHM parent for a few years, again due to his wife needing to maintain her name in her career, they didn't experience any issues with it.

You are anticipating a level of hostility which just isn't there. It's just people making choices which are right for them and their family.

@Fahran Sounds like you both took it as a "given." A shame imo that this is still the case.

We didn’t because we discussed me keeping my name. If I had taken it as “given” I would have taken his name without any thought.

I am still happy with my choice to share his name. Like I said, I am still me.

Isn’t your wedding ring a more obvious sign that you are married than your last name, which people wouldn’t know immediately anyway?

It’s only obvious if they can see my left hand.

Is he thinking about taking your name?

Not sure why it’s you who has to change. If you want children and everyone to have the same name. He has the choice, it doesn’t have to be you who changes, you know.