Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

Travelling with a different name simply means keeping a copy of your child's birth cert. Hardly a massive trouble.

I could see no sensible reason to change mine, so didn't. My daughter has her father's name, I slightly regret that if only to show her that a man's name need not be the default, but she needed a name and where we live it was easier to give her his (pronounciation issue). Not that a lot of thought went into that one. 😁

I'm British, so I have the knowledge and understanding of the context to be able to criticise our traditions. I'm not going to throw my weight around about cultures I don't know well. Though there's plenty of misogyny to choose from, all over the world - pick your flavour.

The longevity of a tradition doesn't automatically grant it value, it just makes it harder to break from. Cf: this thread.

Everyone who says to keep the name and double-barrel the kids' names - what happens when two people with double-barrelled names get together one generation down the line? What might their children's surnames be?

Continuing with traditions is good if they are a positive thing rather than a negative for women.

DT’s have double barrelled - made up of two long non English names. They can choose whatever they want to use in the future.

And what evidence do you have that a married woman taking on her husband's name in any way causes her to be oppressed in this country?

Like most people I'm sure I have many friends who chose to and many who didn't. One thing is for sure, there is absolutely no correlation between their surnames and their career success and level of independence or anything else for that matter.

I changed mine, I wanted us both to have the same and personally hate double barrelled names. My original name was very common, and I had had various mix ups in my life due to having a very common both first and surname - there were 3 of us in my class in primary with identical first and last names, and I 'enjoy' my new name much more than my old one.

It's not about oppression - it's questioning a cultural assumption that the man's name is the 'real' one. Chipping away at the default male - which for some of us is important. Tiny acorns and all that...

Change or don't, it's a choice - and having a choice is a feminist issue. Whether the choice you make is itself feminist is up to you.

Very weird that it’s seems to be only women that have the unpronounceable or unwanted surnames. Did your male relatives change their surname?

They can choose what to do obviously. 🤔

Your experience is based on what someone has told you. Mine is based on my actual experience.

It's not unpronounceable, it's quite the opposite, it's very common.
And yes, my brother took his wife's surname when they married (probably not the answer you were expecting 🤣) Similar reasons as us really- wanted same name, didnt like double barrelled, he had got stick for his at school as with his first name it was same as a famous person. Plus my SIL is a well known journalist in her field, so didn't really want to change hers.
The crazy this is that both my husband and my sister in law had very similar names (both Irish), so now my brother and I have nearly the same surname again apart from 1 letter.

I changed mine 26 years ago. Didn’t regret it and still use it as my legal name post discourse, but am known informally and professionally by my maiden name.

I know 6 women in their late 20’s who all got married in the last 18m and each changed their name.

Yes, I find it somewhere between enraging and hilarious, this wide-eyed, disingenuous declaration of undying hatred towards your dreadful, unpronounceable, ugly birth surname, and oh, the sheer wondrous relief of adopting your husband’s easy, familiar and mellifluous one.

Yet these poor women, burdened with the name Shitsandwich-Zsche, suffer on until they marry, they’re never bothered by their dreadful birth name enough to change it by other means. And they apparently never marry men called Dave Knobb, or Apichatpong Weerasethakul.

Interesting that you use the term British, when actually there's quite considerable historical variation in Britain when it comes to this kind of thing. Scotland and England are quite unalike in this way.

It's a real shame Scotland's unique and interesting history in this matter gets subsumed, and I wonder whether people would feel so comfortable in doing that if it were the other way round?

I was always adamant that I would not change my name upon marriage but on the day, I did.

To me, it wasn't about taking his name so much as it was about him and me becoming an us, our own little unit. Previously, us meant my family. It doesn't particularly make sense but it just felt right for me at the time.

The truth is it's 2024 and opinions differ. Nobody is right or wrong. Just do what suits you best.

@Peakpeakpeak given the length of time that the law has recognised women in Scotland by their married name I feel comfortable using the term "British".

So why didn’t he feel similarly gooey about you becoming your ‘own little unit’, and take your name?

Amazing how seldom people with testicles appear to be afflicted with violent loathing of their birth surname, think it’s not really theirs because it’s their dad’s name, or feel so strongly about being a ‘little unit’ or a ‘team’ that they can’t wait to take their wife’s surname and give it to all the kids.

I wanted my husbands name and love that I have it. Was never a question.

Why didn’t your DH want yours?

Yes, the fact that you feel comfortable using it despite the clearly different history of the custom in Scotland is rather the point. Actually, Scottish women kept their own names as well as using married ones quite commonly until well into the 19th century.

And of course, Wales is different again. Even the gentry didn't have surnames until quite late in the day, and it took longer for the commoners.

Clearly he didn’t want to be a ‘little unit’ with the OP. Or that other nauseating phrase that comes up when a certain type of poster tries to justify changing her name — ‘I wanted us to feel like a .team!’

Why the condescending attitude to women who have made the decision to change their name?

@SJM1988 *I have to disagree from experience.
My best friend had a different name to her daughter for years and had several issues when it came to travelling as she was no longer with her ex.

Ive travelled alone a significant amount with 1 and 2 children and have never come across even as much of a comment regarding their name.