Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

I married young and regretted taking my husband's name. Everyone just assumed I would so I did - young and naive.

After the divorce I LOVED changing my name back after 20 years - I felt like I was becoming myself again. Still happy about that 😊

It's a tradition but not a great one really - why should women have to lose their family name?
I like the Spanish system - you have 2 surnames, one from each parent and your children will have their two surnames.

But they don't have.
There are many options.
Some women choose to. That is their right and they shouldn't to criticised.

Yes, you keep saying it, but it doesn't make it a sensible argument.

Because yet again, marriage offers more protection to the median woman with a male partner and DC than any of the other alternatives. Because patriarchy doesn't like women having enforceable legal rights, a woman choosing marriage over the alternatives is making the least patriarchal choice. This is not true of name changing, hence the comparison fails.

Additionally, pointing out that name changing is less feminist than keeping one's own name isn't throwing a stone. It's stating a fact. That it's taken as such by women who don't want to hear it is a problem.

@Hateam Yes I agree, it is and should be a choice 😊
My point was to the poster who was saying it was a tradition and we shouldn't lose it.It should be an option but not the expected default.

I switched to DHs surname when we married. I was happy to lose my awkward surname, I was mid 20s and didn't have a career where my name meant something. I did debate double barrelling it but it would have been weird sounding. I like being Mr and Mrs X and the kids have the same surname. I'm a feminist and don't see it as a non feminist thing, more a cultural traditional thing. I was born with Dad's surname anyway.

OP it's completely up to you what you choose to do.

Ehh??? Why can’t women provide a family name?

As has been pointed out on this thread if it were genuinely free choice out of a range of options you would have equal numbers of families opting for the mother’s name. This just doesn’t happen .
Why?
Furthermore, even giving the kids mums name instead of dads is still v unusual / controversial when dad is involved. It almost always assumed that if mum keeps her name , kids will have dad’s name, or at most a double barrel.
This is the expectation and it is rooted in patriarchal family/ lineage structures. The only feminist choice in this scenario is to keep your name and give it to the kids too. Unless/ until social expectations change.

It's personal and nowadays it's a choice. Why can't people respect the choices of others?

I took dh's name because it's nicer than mine. For DH it is also a long held family name that can be traced back for many Centuries. His sisters kept it. For context we are mid 60s.

DIL has kept her family name professionally; I suspect dd will take her boyfriend's. She's a teacher and his name will be easier and unremarkable for the secondary age pupils.

Unusually my grandfather, in the early 30s, took my grandmother's name. He was "Johnny forriner", she was County!

People can do what they like and it isn't up to others to give an opinion or be rude about their choices in my opinion.

If women don't want the legal protection afforded by marriage that is entirely up to them. What we need to do as a society is to make all people aware of the unequal rights available to unmarried people.

What is uglier than the patriarchy people complain about is the vitriol on this thread.

I married dh because he was decent, honest, hard working and moral. He had nothing when we married. I did. I chose to take his name. I'd have done neither if he hadn't been decent, honest, hard working and moral.

The biggest issue in society is that women are made to feel lesser if they are single. Sadly usually most often by other women. Therefore too many women settle to fit in and be part of the crowd. That's the real issue that needs to be addressed.

Lol.

It is interesting how quickly the concept has stopped being the norm. But not surprising really, since it arose from customs of a society that doesn't exist any more. The utility isn't there in the same way. So it doesn't work for, say, divorced parents with children, because it was never meant to.

Perhaps the solution is to go really trad and not have a surname at all!

@tandora your argument loses its strength when you refer to mum giving the kids dad's name. I think you mean the mum giving the children their dad's name. How can you talk about ceasing patriarchy and being properly feminist when you don't even afford the parties sufficient respect to refer to them correctly rather than in a casual short hand way

My surname isn’t English and is difficult to pronounce and spell. DH and I got married over 25 years ago - I kept my surname - never had any intention in changing it. Neither did my DSis or DSil.

DT’s have my and DH’s surnames - double barrelled. I like their name representing both sides of the family. Takes up a lot of space on a form!

I really think I’ve heard it all now. First we had the idea that women don’t actually own their own names (“It’s your father’s name, not yours”). Now we have the idea that even if a woman passes her name down to her children, it’s not a “real” family name.

If this was rural Afghanistan I’d get it, but it’s startling that people are still thinking like this in the UK in 2024.

because it's easier and simpler? 'I want my children to have the same name as me, so I will give them my name'. As opposed to 'I want my children to have the same name as me, so I will give them another name, and change my name to that one'.
If it was genuinely free choice and nothing to do with patriarchal traditions, option 2 would not be the more common one.

I changed my name. My surname has nothing to do with my identity or who I am as it is in any case simply my father's surname.

I was happy to change my surname when I married for the first time, because my husband's surname was more unusual and interesting than the one I'd grown up with. I tried keeping my maiden surname professionally but that just felt confusing, though I know several people who have managed to navigate being Dr X and Mrs Y better than I did. One of my sisters uses her husband's surname for her creative work but kept her maiden surname for all other purposes.

When I married for the second time I didn't take DH's surname as I wanted to keep the same surname as my children and DH's XW continued to use "his" surname, presumably for a similar reason. He's quite relaxed about being referred to by my XH's surname by people meeting him for the first time.

I don’t understand this argument. By all means change your name, but this reasoning doesn’t make sense. Your didn’t pick your first name either but it’s still your name. Your new surname is just your FIL surname if you apply that logic, so it means nobody’s surname is really their name!!

What if a man wants his children to have the same name as him?

They're his children too aren't they?

He can change his 🤷‍♀️

What if a man wants his children to have the same name as him?
They're his children too aren't they?

Of course. I haven't seen that many men stating that 'Well, I wanted to have the same name as my children, so therefore I took my wife's".

OK fair put.
Would you agree that the current situation in the UK is that it IS an option and NOT the default?

Indeed.

What if he doesn't want to?
Not changing your name and having the same name as your children is a valid choice yes?

Not changing your name and having the same name as your children is a valid choice yes?

Certainly. That's why it's so odd that quite a small number of women use that option.

Their choice?