Can’t make a decision on taking his name

[PoptartBarry]

Name change for this one (ha!)

I am getting married in one week and I still can’t make up my mind about changing my name. It’s driving me a bit mad so I want your opinions.

Have any of you changed your name and regretted it? Have any of you regretted NOT changing your name?

My surname is ‘foreign’ to English speakers, long and tricky for English speakers to pronounce so I’m not considering a double barrel. It would be too much!

Does anyone keep their maiden name at work and use their ‘married’ name in their private life? How do you feel about it now?

YABU = stop overthinking and change the name!

YANBU = no way, keep your own name!

Would love to hear your lived experiences.

I think it is outrageous that my DH family (or anyone with the same surname) could have potentially taken my children across international borders.
All children’s passports should have the names of the those with legal parental responsibility if governments really did give a damn about child smuggling/trafficking/kidnapping.

But I don't believe it's "unacceptably" feminist - just...not a feminist choice. Which we are not banned from making, like I said I make plenty myself

Marriage, on the other hand, offers legal protection for a lot of women, and these days it is not incumbent on women to obey their husbands or cede land/money to them. So marriage itself is not as clear cut for me - the institution has come from a patriarchal place, but in the absence of having smashed the patriarchy it is the best protection available for many women

Yep totally understand. But I’m guessing it wasn’t you who said anyone who changed their name was a Stepford wife with a misogynistic husband or that they couldn’t possibly understand why anyone would do it in any circumstance, or any other such hyperbole. Fair enough if you’re just saying it wasn’t for you.

This claim that opposition to patriarchy means you wouldn't marry keeps being made, but it's not true.

It's common ground that marriage is the best protection in some situations. Since patriarchy prefers women not to have legal rights that we can enforce against men, women who are advantaged by marriage are making the least patriarchal choice when we enter into it. Women protecting ourselves is bad for patriarchy.

This means the comparison you're trying to make here between marriage and name changing doesn't work. Name changing doesn't offer more legal and financial protections than not. It is not akin to marriage in this respect.

I think we should get rid of the idea that a woman's name is temporary, the idea of a 'maiden' name is so outdated imo. Your name is your name, part of you, you should keep it.

Exactly this.

I keep pointing out that marriage has historical patriarchal and religious connotations and keep being told that it doesn’t. I find that really strange.

But it is true for plenty of people?

People are allowed to hold that opinion for themselves, sure. Some of them even do so whilst engaging in alternatives that leave the woman less protected, thus benefitting patriarchy more than being married would've. You're applying it as a universal standard though, which is wrong.

Name changing is not akin to a marriage contract, because of the legal and financial ramifications. For as long as marriage remains better protection for the median woman in partnership with a man, it's a roadblock to the argument you're trying to make here.

Kept my name and my DCs have my name. Delighted that DD kept her name and now GC have the same name.

Not even a nice name but it's ours!

I kept my foreign name - he wouldn't change his name I am not changing mine.

Sure. And that’s why I’m arguing for parity between CP and marriage.
I’m open to the debate on changing your name. But like I said before, if you’re a married woman who’s also accusing people of being Stepford wives or insinuating that they’re stupid or easily manipulated, you should probably reflect on your own choices before throwing stones.

I've been married 15 years and didn't change my name. It was partly out of laziness for dealing with the admin, and partly because there were specific reasons that I didn't want to reveal that I had got married to certain people. Tbh if it weren't for the second reason I would probably have changed my name.

My dcs have DH's surname which I prefer, as it's a very common Western surname and it helps them pass as a generic Caucasian Western person.

Surnames make absolutely no difference to travel.

having a different name does not make it more difficult, having the same name does not give you free roam to take children out of the country.

everyone travelling with a child need documented permission off all those with PR.

two grandparents with different names would not find it any harder to travel than those with the same name. It is not the different name that is the red flag.

last time I travelled the two who got stopped from our party of 30 women with kids were two who had the same name as their kids. They had assumed the same name meant no issues, so they didn’t have the documentation and weren’t allowed to board until staff had spoken to their husbands.

i got stopped once because it was just me and dd. They hadn’t checked out documents so they had no idea what our surnames were. They simply asked dd to confirm who I was.

travel with kids is not a reason for changing your name.

Things have changed then which is obviously good. It certainly used to be a problem though. Dh has never been stopped when travelling with DC.

I agree.

I haven’t changed my name but it is not typical for lone parents (or mothers at least) to be stopped - plenty of mothers I know have travelled abroad with their DCs - and it is usually because the surnames match.
In theory DH’a sister/female cousin could travel with my DCs and wouldn’t be stopped. I have zero concern they would do this, btw.

When I have travelled alone with DCs, I have had a legally certified document with me as our names are different.
I am definitely not advocating women change their surname just to avoid this issue.
What really should happen is that the passports should have listed those that are legally responsible for the child.

Anyway, I digress

Kept my name (and my title) upon marriage. No way would I bow down to the patriarchy!

Totally agree. Current system is not fit for purpose.

Personally I wanted us all to have the same name british tradition I suppose didn't want a different name from my children .and it's not just an older person thing my daughters inlaw did the same no problem they just chose to .thought it better everyone have same name .

If you don’t want the children to have a different name to you, give them your name, surely?

Why 'Surely'?

Why can't some women think differently to you?

Women can do whatever they want surely?

One thing feminists hate more than men is a women who disagrees with them.

Don't make this another tradition that dies out. Its so sad that family names are not a thing now.

I changed mine, wish I hadn't. Child is double barrelled with married and maiden (need to change mine back...but the admin faff 🥴)

Don't do it!

Why is it sad? There’s also nothing stopping men changing their surnames.