To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I'm sure the OP's friends who used au pairs is that her son is mighty relieved that her son is judged by the OP to have 'turned out ok.' .....

How do you rationalise that the biggest abuse threat to children are family members / people they know?

Hm yes I do agree that comment - “thank goodness” - is judgemental.

Overall though, in the many words and posts of the OP, I don’t think the messaging and tone is judgemental, more questioning.

Argh! Dont know how extra words popped in there. But you get my drift. What a nasty way to describe another person's child

@MsCactus mine both have good jobs. Much better than mine. I work and have lots of hobbies. But I have seen what you mentioned. You should never live your life totally around dcs. I was probably over protective when mine were babies? I have just been reflecting and wondering about the past a lot. Mainly because of circumstances to do with other family but nothing I'd post here.

This is possibly one of the nastiest most judgemental posts I've ever read on MN.

That's quite a feat. congratulations@Confusionn

If my DD didn't go to nursery 3 days a week, the alternative option was for her to stay at home in the house from 8am -5pm from 12 months onwards and fend for herself as there was no one else to look after her.

I decided this was not an option and left her in the care of professionals.

Clearly I don't love my kids as much as you love yours OP. They went to nursery and were surrounded by kids, who were strangers btw, but luckily had some wonderful professional nursery staff to look after them. And like heck would I have wanted to home school them either. I put being able to afford to feed, clothe and house my children (in a little house) over being a SAHM. Not a drop of guilt. Clearly we are all terrible mothers.

@lolly792 he's OK now. Hasn't always been. But friend wasn't maternal and said he was an accident. She didn't want dcs. She had a fantastic career. He was better off with the au pairs.

“It’s a choice, just claim universal credit and stay at home with your kids”

Well since all you SAHMs are judging me, I would frankly rather curl up and die than voluntarily claim a state benefit paid for by other people, instead of going out to work.

I definitely understand this feeling. Especially when they are babies. It feels wrong to me to leave small children with people who aren't family. (Although I understand why people need to - this isn't a judgement). Gets easier as they get older and think it also depends on the child. One of mine needs me more than the other.

You know what - lots of people don't have the luxury of being able to not work, so just hold back on the judgement. It doesn't mean they love their children less and your implication that they do is pretty cunty.

You posted saying you couldn't imagine it. You followed up saying that many prefer working to parenting, but thank goodness not many. You posted saying that many that do prefer working won't admit it.

But now you're saying that's not what you meant?

So he's ok now despite being looked after by au pairs? Or despite being an 'accident'?

Honestly, you started off with a nasty goady OP and are digging the hole deeper the more you write.

There are so many studies that show that children who begin formal education later in life do much better than their peers. Home with primary caregiver until 3 is best. School should start no earlier than 6/7 like it does in majority of other countries. Introducing free hours from 9 months does not help the situation by normalising leaving such tiny babies in childcare. Sadly the UK government can’t wait to get parents back to work and raise future worker bees as soon as possible.

There is also a recruitment crisis so nurseries basically hire anyone with a pulse. My eldest attended nursery for a few months before I came to my senses and realised all of the above. People say it’s because they can’t afford not to work but also then also say they have like £10 left after paying for nursery. What is the point? People also don’t want to sacrifice and live in smaller homes etc so plan things like home purchase based on 2 people working full time which means they are then trapped.

A bit judgemental and I say this as a parent who works very part time hours now in term time (kids all in school).

DC2 went a fabulous childminder at 9 months because the mortgage and council tax didn't pay itself nor did food appear to feed them without me and dh working to buy it. The childminder was great and DC2 thrived in her care.

DC3 came along and started going the same wonderful childminder as DC2 had went to because it had become very obvious by then that DC1 had very complex additional support needs. These needs meant I had weekly sometimes twice weekly professional, school and medical appointments so me and DH felt it was better that DC3 spent this time in the care of a professional who took him to baby and toddler groups and doted on him.

DC3 adored the childminder as had DC2. He was very ready for pre school nursery and is very confident, social and comfortable with other kids. The only other option we had was leave him with a grandparent who favoured one grandchild (not mine), at the time spent all her time telling us on front of our life how much better, smarter etc this child was and who actually wasn't fit to care for kids.

You'll get into the car and cry for ten minutes then you'll feel amazingly free takes a while to get used to but it feels great knowing they're off with other kids their own age doing little activities and being fed healthy meals and snacks and you have a few hours to be you again.

Or, some women (let's not pretend otherwise) are smart enough to know that staying in work, whether it's £10 left after or more, is them investing in their future.

It is funny. I think I put far less time and effort into my career than any of the judgemental posters above do judging other people / worrying what other people think of them / justifying every little decision they make / comparing themselves to other people.

Put all of that mental energy into your dcs and just forget about what everyone else is doing. It doesn't matter.

The point is that it allowed me to continue to build my career, which was incredibly beneficial to my children in the long run. By the time I had my kids, I'd reached a level of seniority which allowed me flexibility, which was invaluable when the kids were young. If I had quit, I would have had to find another, less senior role and do the whole working evenings and weekends thing all over again.

Agreed. It was a nasty, goody and snug post from the off. But is somehow going rvdn lower

So I read from this you are being judgemental of a woman in your family who chooses to work with a young child when you didn't? Perhaps you didn't really choose not to work...perhaps societal expectations and lack of good childcare is really what caused your decision to be a SAHM? Or as you say being over protective and not trusting anyone else to look after your children. How would you feel if your own children gave up their good jobs to look after their children for 5 years and would you encourage them to do that? Will you be helping them with childcare of any future DGC?

Wow! What a judgemental post.

i didn't need to work...but i wanted to. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I just had to really, I don't think a nursery that's inspected and regulated counts as leaving your child with strangers

My children went to nursery from a few months old (Mat leave being what it was back then) They were in a fabulous nursery that gave them a great experience and another dimension alongside everything dh and I did. Those 3 children are now happy well adjusted adults who have a great relationship with dh and me. Plus dh and I both have uninterrupted careers.

What's not to like?!