To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

Maybe we do put all of that energy into our DCs, but then someone comes along with a judgemental view of why we also work and it pisses us off.

Your post is genuine and I can understand why you have concerns, having been a victim of abuse. You take care of you and yours. X

Anyone else wondering if @@PPD@A2J and @HJA87 are really all the same person or AI? It's not a typically human response to a username...

OP, you don’t sound like a fabulous parent. You sound like one who will teach her children to be frightened of the world, and no doubt you’ll berate any daughters you have if they choose to have careers. I don’t know anyone like you, thank goodness.

@Namechangey23 message mn and ask. Nope.

I’m better off even after paying childcare fees. But l have always worked hard and pushed myself. I don’t think it’s fair or helpful expecting my husband to pick up the slack financially all the time. Personally l would rather send messages to my children about working together, co-operation (Dad looks after them a day a week and so do l) and fair division of load. You see it on here all the time mum has done all the childcare, marriage or relationship breaks down, mum struggles to find job and bemoans her derailed career / poor pension contributions etc. My pension is looking really healthy, l have even got a promotion after being back at work after maternity -not even back a year!

You’re wrong. There aren’t “very few people” better off and your post sounds very judgemental. Most of my mum friends send their children age 2 and under to childminders. 2 days per week costs me about 15% of my wages and I have no option other than to work. Not everyone is in your privileged position.

I’m sorry that you’ve had some unkind replies on here OP. It’s only natural to be worried about leaving your precious children. I struggled leaving mine in daycare settings but I felt confident that I had researched them thoroughly, visited them and then chose the one I felt comfortable in.

Few will point out that long term for women it's actually a great idea to keep your career going. For many reasons.

I hate these kinds of threads. They perpetuate the innate guilt we all feel as mothers (and women generally) for not being "enough".

My DS adored the wonderful professionals who took care of him from the time he was 8 months old until he left to start school aged 5. They saw his first steps (and cried telling me about it), they were outraged by the idiotic HV who suggested DS was obese at 14 months (very tall and not yet walking), they had a welcome back party for him when we returned from an extended holiday and had clearly missed him terribly.

We still regularly get accosted in local shops by nursery staff who looked after him during his time there and they still make a huge fuss over him. He's nearly 11! Nursery for us was a wonderful, overwhelmingly positive experience and threads like this are so upsetting for mums who need to use childcare to get by.

That’s just not true I was at least £600 better off a month working which paid our mortgage- ( I’m in a job that pays 42000 a year and went back 2 long days a week) a lot of people just have to work, don’t make people feel guilty. It is rubbish that some people don’t get to choose but the cost of living is high. plus I get to keep my career for when kids go to school/pension etc (which again I see as quite essential for making life comfortable as I get older!) Our nursery was about £58 a day. And then 20% off tax free.

Yep. My eldest cried the other week as she couldn’t go to nursery as she was sick (was still inside 48 hours since vomiting and diarrhoea so not technically sick but can’t go to nursery). So she must not find it that horrific and traumatizing…

I would echo this.

Yes, there were new trainees from time to time but there was an experienced team of trained childcare professionals in which they were getting supervised experience and training. More than that though, the nursery I chose had a fun and happy vibe and staff turnover was very low. I felt lifted myself just chatting with key workers at pick-up at the end of a long work day and I learned so much from them too first time round, many were parents themselves.

I checked out all local forms of childcare well in advance of needing to make a decision as I knew I'd have to go back to work very quickly.

The judgement on here is unbelievable. I do have some questions for the posters who believe children shouldn't be left with strangers.
At what age would you put a non verbal child in to childcare? What if they are still non verbal at 4 or 5?
Do you think that all childcare workers work long hours for shit pay just so they can hurt children?
Nursery staff don't lone work so when exactly are they going to abuse children?
Do you know that over 50% of staff are qualified?
What awful things do you think are happening in childcare?
Being a SAHM doesn't make you a better parent.
And I have been both a working mum and SAHM.

Mine didn't go to nursery until the term after he turned 3, as that was the point he could go for free so I sent him for his own development, not because I needed the childcare.
I was happy that he was potty trained by then although he still had the odd accident staff had to help him with. And yes I was also happy he could talk at that point and tell me basic information about his day.
I'm aware that other people need to use nurseries for babies though and I was privileged.

No one is reacting to “your life choice” they are reacting because you have come here to lord it up over the people that can’t afford to make the same choices you did.

You think you are a superior parent because you are in a privileged position to be able to stay home with your children. Good for you.

I think it’s unfortunate your privileged position didn’t buy you any empathy. Implying other parents aren’t as good as you for going out to work, in order to keep a roof over their heads makes you look terrible- not them.

When my eldest was about 6-12 months I left him for a few hours one evening with my friends husband while we went out. They also a a baby the same age.

Now I think 'what was I thinking'! I'd met him quite a few times before and he seemed sound but still... I didn't do that with younger dc.

Around the same time another pal wanted me to leave dc with her boyfriends pal who I hadn't met before to go out. They thought I was weird for saying no!

But nurseries etc I have no problem with.

Well as a parent to "only" (who is an adult now), it seems no matter what I did it was wrong either way.

Don't put her in nursery I'm depriving her of the chance to socialise with other children and she'd end up lonely with no friends, or put her in nursery and I don't care about her well-being.

You do what you think is best for your DC OP, and let others do what they think is best for theirs and stop with the judging.

This. For a lot of people it’s not an option. I’m sure a lot of mums and dads would love to not put their children into nurseries but unfortunately there are bills to pay.

Wow!
I live in a small 2 bed terrace and it takes two people with MSc's and 35k jobs to pay the bills.
Who pays to support you?

We had to to work and keep our house and buy food. We found a wonderful childminder we trusted. With my second we had to use a nursery for a while and that was good too and the staff although younger seemed very competent and caring and all their policies were well thought out. I checked things like safe sleeping arrangements, car seats, whether grapes, sausages etc were cut into safer shapes, kids sat up when eating, furniture was securattached to walls. They had all already thought of all those things.

@Confusionn its funny you say that. I am not highly paid and yet clear almost £1000 post nursery fees so I beg to differ.
its a huge amount for us

Of course or I’d never have been able to return to work, and I didn’t want to be a SAHM, nor would it have been possible. I have two well adjusted kids who have excelled so it’s not harmed them in any way

I'm sorry that your DD was so backwards in being able to speak. My DD started speaking at 5 and half months. This is common in my extended family as the majority of her older cousins all were speaking at similar ages.

Incidentally they were all in childcare with childminders before they were a year old.

Oh and I'm the higher earner so yes we were better off after I went back to work full-time while her dad worked part-time. Simply because I work standard office hours there as her dad can often work at weekends and nights if there are shifts.

I would say that a certain societal anxiety exists with regard to women reaching parity with men in the workplace. It's no coincidence that the rise of helicopter parents and extreme supervision of children occurred at the same time as more women were succeeding in professional careers that used to be the preserve of men. (Women have always worked outside the home, but the job options available to them were limited until relatively recently.)

The idea that women could achieve exactly the same as men from a professional standpoint was threatening to some elements in society. I don't mean this in a conspiratorial sense, and for many people the source of this anxiety was probably completely unconscious. But mothers began to receive a strong social message that allowing their children a measure of freedom and independence was wrong. Instead, mothers had to watch their children like hawks at all times. And if they were at work, how could they provide that intense form of supervision?

These trends have damaged both women and children IMO. Many women are disadvantaged professionally and materially by putting their careers on hold or working part-time. Childhood has changed radically with the current limits on freedom and independence that many children experience, and this change has not been for the better.