To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

You have ABSOLUTELY no idea what you’re talking about. I can’t even tell you how ill informed, smug, and frankly unkind this post is.

But just on a purely statistical level- the vast vast majority of child abuse occurs within the home, and/or by family and friends. The same for childhood accidents. STATISTICALLY your child is safest in a childcare setting.

Children who attend early years settings before 3, also start school more developmentally on or above the average line, than their peers

So… what are you going to do with that?

Same here - neither DH or I have ever financially needed to work but have been to Uni and studied for post grad qualifications so that we could progress with worthwhile careers - DH a doctor and me a corporate finance Director.

DT’s have had a great childhood, schooling and Uni experience and we’re now proud parents of young adults in their graduate careers.

Looking back I wouldn’t have done anything differently including the amazing nursery we choose from when DT’s were six months.

The lack of knowledge of other people’s lives is staggering. As if all the mums who work spend their wages exclusively on luxuries.

Neither me nor DP can afford the mortgage and bills alone. We both earn ordinary wages. Me just above average, him a fair bit below. Even on his wage we clear 600 a month after childcare fees so almost no one is truly better off financially by not working.

My son is 17 months old and absolutely thriving. He’s well adjusted, happy, affectionate, and a calm little boy.

Babies are far far more likely to be harmed by someone you know and trust than a childcare professional.

Good for you.

Sometimes I wonder what the point is in encouraging our daughters to do their very best at school and pursue fulfilling careers if the expectation is that they give it all up once they meet a man and pop out a few babies. Shouldn't we be telling them from age 5 that there's no point in women being ambitious so they might as well relax and focus on being pretty so they can find a man?

What a nasty thing to say

I remember reading similarly ill informed, misogynistic comments on MN a decade ago. I guess some things haven’t changed.

“Leaving your baby with strangers”? Seriously, don’t be so utterly ridiculous.

So untrue, I'm a teacher, my own children are easier than 30 foundation stage kids but I couldn't afford to stay off (& we have a small house). I was lucky enough to be able to afford to drop down to a 4 day week and grandparents did a day but sometimes you've no choice. What if you're a single parent or a year or two down the line you split up. Women should absolutely be allowed to have children and a career. Both my kids were fine at daycare and love school. In an ideal world it would be lovely to spend more time at home but we are all trying our best to provide love and financial security for our children.

I read all OP’s posts and they didn’t come across that way to me.

I really encourage you to reflect on why her statements (of her OWN feelings) provoke this response from you.

Good for you. (Not so humble) brag detected.

I guess I have a choice. I earn 90k a year and with the funded hours my childcare is about £1k a month, so I am up +£4000 a month by working - going to work is definitely financially worthwhile.

I hate sending my DD (now 2 years old) to a childminder, but I met her multiple times, stayed in her home with my DD, checked her qualifications and Ofsted inspections.

Spoke to the other mums who used her as references - one has an older kid who cried everyday she went to nursery and said "why can't I go to X childminder instead! I love it there!"

My DD goes in happily.

Really I would prefer not to send her to anyone other than close family before age 3, but my career would suffer so much with a year out, I'm in quite a competitive industry and earn a lot.

I don't trust nurseries btw - there's so many staff, you can't possibly vet all of them. And if someone is sick they often use random agency workers.

I don't disagree with you OP that it's not ideal, but for many people it's the lesser of two evils. We also need more men prepared to be sahds so having children doesn't always limit the women's career

A2J · Today 10:57
** a lot say their career would suffer. That's mostly why. Although some really don't like being parents and dcs are probably better off in nursery tbh.
And some have big mortgages etc. I'd rather live in the little house we had then.

most of OPs posts I’d agree. One above though does seem pretty judgemental

Sometimes, it isn’t about a ‘job’ though. Educated mothers are much more likely to return to the workplace than uneducated ones. So it’s actually about a career, which is often part of your identity. Maintaining financial independence is also important to many women. I absolutely want to have it all. And why shouldn’t I!

Absolutely this! Why bother educating women if it is expected and their duty to stay at home! Ha. Antiquated attitudes. And what when they reach their shelf life of being conventionally pretty and their man moves on? What if they don't find a man?! SAHM believers, tell your daughters not too bother with their education, there is no need, just teach them childcare and domestic chores! Sorry but please get with the times because sisters have been doing it for themselves for a while now. We stand on our own two feet!

It is possible before 3. My child has been going since just before 2, they are almost 3 now and they have definitely enjoyed nursery and been able to say they like it and want to go back.

This one too

I actually know people who prefer working to looking after dcs. Not many thank goodness.

Incredibly I am someone who prefers working to looking after DCs. I don't think it makes me a bad parent.

to confusionn
And you do sound it
I can assure you I earned plenty more than the nursery fees for my lot
HTH

What if, god forbid, their DDs don't want a man, or to just pop out and care for a man's children??? Doesn't bear thinking about does it, it's all we're made for!

You're right that does sound nasty.

There's been a lot of name calling on here. And judgment. We're all different and it sounds like everyone here has done what they feel is best for their dcs.

I'm happy to be called out as it's making me see both sides. My friends either didn't have dcs,didn't work or did work but felt guilty. One really did prefer work so it was better for dcs to be with a fantastic childminder. I had a close friend who had a stream of au pairs. Her ds turned out OK. She wasn't maternal at all though by her own admission. She loved him but wasn't natural. A beautiful person though and no longer with us.

Yes I agree a lot of the people we rely on are women. Women who wouldn't be able to have succeeded without childcare. I have people relying on me but would probably have been further up the ladder had I put dcs in nursery?

I'm not a troll although can see why some would think that. Never been called a tosser before either.

Meh. My babies went to daycare when they were 4 months because that's the maternity policy where I live.

They weren't cared for by strangers, they were cared for by professionals who cherished my babies, and I still have a relationship with them 12 years on.

Then we had a helper who looked after the kids and the home for us. She also wasn't a stranger... 🧐

I also have a career which I enjoy and whilst we're high earners, we live on one of the most expensive islands on the planet.

My kids are 12 & 10 now and I never felt guilt about leaving them because that's what we needed to do. My babies were happy to go to daycare and it was easier when they were younger as there was no separation anxiety- they've always been adaptable and happy in new environments.

The "ideal" is where the kids are well cared for (by whomever) and the parents can afford to keep food on the table and a roof over their heads, wouldn't you say?

@Boysnme hear hear

So you had one friend who preferred working? And that's meant you believe that all of us women who work instead of staying home prefer it but just won't admit it?

OP one point that my mum mentioned to me is that when you are a sahm, or take time out and have a lower job as a result - your children all leaving home is devastating.

I've seen women like this fall apart when their children grow up and no longer need them. Equally, in my industry I've seen women of this age with kids throw themselves back into their career and achieve humongous success. The latter are much happier than the ex-sahms.

I'm not sure what the answer is - but I would caution against making your whole life your DCs either way, because it'll be harder for you if you have no career etc to turn to when they all leave home.

Well yes quite @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos many men aren't worth the time anyway! And what if you prefer women! And no one says you have to have children anyway..my point simply was echoing another posters, what do you tell your daughters? That their only worth is to bear children and be a stay at home parent? I don't think so. What parent truly wants a life of domestic drudgery whilst being financially dependent on another individual for their child?! None I know of...

I hate posts like this, some of us don’t have the option but to send them into childcare young!

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos no obviously not. I asked if anyone felt like me. And most don't which is good and healthy. I posted how I felt. I could have had a better career if I'd put dcs in nursery or with a childminder. In hindsight maybe I should have? But I couldn't at that time.

No one is perfect and that's why I posted here. It's good to get others opinions and perhaps change our minds? As in my mind.