To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

@TigerBloomer With the amount we pay and my husband’s income, no we can’t. I have already checked. The only thing available will be the 15 hours from September and even then it’s too late now. We can’t afford to have another child, the increase in COL has just been too much for the finance we had planned when we had my son - mortgage increase, utility increase, cost of food. We don’t even have financed cars, god knows how some people get by

Your post is full of privilege. You could afford to stay home. Most can't. I can't afford to be off more than the 39 weeks. So I settled my baby into nursery at 8 months old. Very few can afford to live on one income. We bought a small 3 bed that needed lots of work doing. Mortgage still smaller than renting, but still can't afford on one salary.

Exactly also they don't pay benefits to people who quit their jobs as it's done through choice

This

Yep same. There was a year or so where we weren't much above breaking even with both in childcare but still quite a bit better off. I was earning about 28k at the time.

Also LOL at living in your little house with one earner.

We both earn above average now and can only afford a 2.5 bed terraced house with no driveway. Couldn't afford on one salary. And we are lucky.

What an extremely unhelpful, unrealistic and frankly deranged comment. Children also benefit from having a stable roof over the heads and food on the table.

Yup!

Bravo!!!!!!

Obviously @TigerBloomer is just being a goady one!!

Obviously irks her that children are the priority for all parents (apart from the tiny minority who are actually abusive shit parents- who are just as likely to be jobless as in work!) but that some of us raise wonderful human beings and manage to work too 😊

We’re all a product of our environment. I was brought up by a single mum after my dad walked away from us and paid the bare minimum in maintenance. It’s made me extremely aware of how vulnerable it’s possible to make yourself if you rely on someone, even a DH who is your child’s biological father. Anything can happen, and there are plenty of threads on here from women who have to pick the pieces up as and when something goes wrong.

TBH, unless you are independently wealthy in your own right, I’d be wary of giving up work for a considerable period of time. But we all make our own choices.

Or, to frame it differently, they chose keeping a roof over their childs head? I think my child being cared for in a professional, stimulating setting for a few days a week is definitely worth that.

Edited for punctuation.

Well I had to go back to work when LOs were 10 months so what was I meant to do?

Remember lots of abuse cases are within families anyway so sending them to a secure setting like a nursery seems fine to me. Yes there are bad ones and good settings and you need to visit them/ do your research, but this level of anxiety seems maybe more to your past than a normal worry.

I am 100% one of the mothers that are being judged here. I don’t have to work, but I have chosen to because I love my job. I have worked in my current job for over a decade before I had my children, I own the company and I love it. If a man was in a similar situation would you expect him to give up everything he’s built? I could stay at home, but I’m choosing not to and both my DC’s go to a loving nursery. If you want to judge others, I would look inwardly first, as there must be a reason you feel the need to comment on how children, other than yours, are raised. My children are cared for, given endless attention and above all loved.

I bet more parents/step parents/grandparents abuse/neglect DC than nursery workers etc

Or, they chose keeping a roof over their kids head over staying home.

Some of us are in that "squeezed middle" where we earn too much for benefits but not enough to be considered high earners.

And the mortgage rates have gone sky high. Cost of living is ridiculous. So to lose a salary when you're already being squeezed could mean losing your home. Having to move into an area that could mean a worse upbringing for your child. Maybe having to lose the security of owning a home and start renting, which means you could have to move over and over.

Or, they could be choosing to keep independence and not being reliant on their partner. Which is an excellent example to set for their children.

There's any number of reasons that either parent might go to work. Dad's aren't given the same scrutiny as mum's. Why is that?

But all reasons are valid. And shaming parents for providing for their families, or investing in their future, or keeping their mental health in check, is not the way forward.

I love the idea that women put babies in nursery or go back to work 'for a break'.

I'm a secondary teacher. There was no let up, ever! Especially when I was teaching teenagers and coming home to toddlers. Same shit, different height.

The OP just asked if other people felt the same as her, and couldn’t imagine doing it.

If that makes people feel inferior, they have their own issues going on! It’s just a question. Are we not allowed to ask how people feel about things?

I think the phrasing "I couldn't imagine it" comes across as quite judgemental. Especially when paired with OP's other comments around people not wanting to be around their children. Then add in the faux naivety of the question - do some other people prefer to stay home with their children? Yes, quite obviously they do.

Yes, to anyone saying it’s a choice. Who pays your bills?? Pray tell…

You realise jobs don’t just go on hold for 3 years? VERY often working during those years despite not being better off at the end of the month, is so when this incredibly expensive period ends, there are jobs to go back to, that people (by and large, women) can continue to climb up their career ladder. Employers don’t just go “oh you’re off for 3 years? See you when you’re back”. There isn’t a job to go back to.

And so what if they prefer a break? So what if they WANT to work ad WANT to climb the career ladder. You made the decision that you felt was right for your child, others do the same. Judgment is SO unnecessary

Is this a stealth working mums bashing thread?

God, how tedious.

I'm very happy for you that you don't need a second income to pay the mortgage/have grandparents on hand to provide childcare.

I was very privileged to not need to put DD into nursery until 2 1/2 and DS 21 months. However had I needed to go back to work full time then absolutely they would have gone in once my maternity ended. Yes staff are strangers initially but over time we got to all know each other and they are just humans at the end of the day.

I feel like this post is very judgemental towards people who have to go back to work full time. Would life be wonderful if we returned to the 1959's where women were expected to stay at home and raise the children whilst Albert earned the dosh to pay for everything.... Not

I see that you suffered abuse as a child, sorry to hear that. However speech is not the way of making abuse known.

I’m having a slight wobble about this now. My son has just turned 3 and can talk so that is reassuring but is still a bit hit or miss with the toilet training (despite trying since last year) and I’ve only ever left him with my mum. We don’t have any other family nearby so there’s never been anyone else for childcare. I now feel weird about just going and dropping him off at nursery next week when I don’t know who those people are at all 🙈 The concept of getting in the car and leaving him is just hitting me a bit! Would feel much better if he was confidently going to the toilet by himself.

A lot of my friends use a nursery for their little one’s from age 1 or just before and I’ve always been encouraging when speaking to them (they have no choice obviously) but inside I’ve been thinking there is no way I could do that. My cousin’s baby has started nursery and cried all day they said 😢 They were honest and told her this but I think that just makes it even harder. I take my hat off to people able to drop them off with strangers when they can’t talk properly

Makes sense, I’m interested too…

Don’t you think it’s a bit mad that this is how you feel about your kids - and there’s at least an argument that it’s a totally natural or rational way to feel - but you “don’t dare” to say it even to closest friends? Why not? Your feelings are valid too.

You chose what you wanted to do (stay at home with your kids) & you did that even if it meant making various compromises to facilitate it.
Other people want different things but please don’t pretend you didn’t want to stay at home but made some noble sacrifice as it was best for your children. It just makes you sound like a sanctimonious twit.

Not everyone has that privilege. I would have loved not going back to work until my little one started school but I had no choice and very little family support.