To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

It’s not that other mums can’t cope it’s that for many children remaining in their routine and structure after the birth of a second child is the best thing for that child.

If children have bonded and have relationships with the nursery caregivers and other children then pulling them away from that can be sad and difficult.

Also when parents return from mat leave they will have to find another nursery placement for that child and they’re like hens teeth in many areas so giving up that placement would be unwise.

Cant you see that there are a million other scenarios other than that you’re a super mum and everybody else is incapable of coping?

Agree but also some parents can't cope and that's ok too.

Not all parents are cut out for looking after young children all day every day and it's not a bad thing if they use childcare to help them through it.

A baby will not be able to do most of the above, denfinitely not at 6, 9 or 12 months (play doh, making cards, decorating cakes). It’s a specially said when a non-walker/crawler is propped up in a corner when the older kids are playing outside (something I saw during an open day). Closer to 2, yes I’m sure they would enjoy doing those activities. I don’t know where the 3 months came from, my child was in nursery for approx 1 year although she was at home a lot of the time with constant illnesses. Yes there was an app and they did update me but as I say, there is only so much you can do to fill the time. And to be honest, young kids should have some time to chill which is difficult in a loud room full of babies/toddlers.

Can you not see how yet again you might be making mums/people who don’t use nursery for second maternity leave like they’re not enough/doing their child a disservice by keeping them home? Why is it ok to say it’s sad/difficult to pull them out but not the other way round? This is what I mean about everyone peddling this narrative about how kids are better off in nursery and if someone dares say otherwise, there a big outcry because someone might get offended.

Honestly I do also agree with this because if you don’t enjoy looking after your children full time then it can’t be good for them either, so in that case nursery might not be a bad thing.

I didn’t say that it was I said that it can be and this is the difference between you and I. You are 100% sure that your position is correct for every single family.

I am saying that for some families who choose nursery these might be some of the reasons why.

i have absolutely zero issue with people who don’t put their kids into nursery, in fact I envy immensely those who have the option.

What I don’t appreciate is being treated as inferior and told I am “damaging” my kids by people like you, for not having been privileged enough to have options you have.

You said "a few months". Now it's a year?

Mine went at 11 months. She did those things with support from the staff. She absolutely could stick her hand in paint and then onto a piece of paper, which was then turned into a card. She could hold things and make marks. She could dip cakes into icing and throw sprinkles.

I know she could do those things because she also did them at home with me.

It sounds like you had a bad experience with a nursery that you chose based on an Ofsted report instead of how the nursery is run. Ours recently got a Great rating from Ofsted, but it was set up by a group of parents who wanted to run a nursery based on what they wanted for their kids. I also spoke to friends and other local parents.

But because you had a poor experience doesn't mean that every nursery experience is bad.

Step outside your bubble for a second and consider the fact that if many people are telling you something is true, based on their own experiences, then maybe it actually could be true?

Just reminding you of the "a few months" that you've now turned into a year.

My parents were the only people who looked after my ds until he was 3.5 years, by which time he could communicate with me (asd+adhd so couldn’t speak really except to me).

I absolutely would not have left him with anyone else before then, and even then it was tricky (not an SEN setting etc).

Im a SW, it makes you paranoid. I can count the people I would trust him with on one hand.

This thread - though I didn’t read much beyond this judgemental, sanctimonious post - makes me feel sick. It’s great that others are pleased with their own choices, but how will we ever get anywhere as women when we treat one another so nastily?

@HJA87 seems bitter. I guess if you sent your own child to a crap nursery for a while because you judged it by an Ofsted rating and then felt you had no choice but to stay home with them, it leaves you resenting parents who made better choices

It was approx a year from start date to end date but there was a 3 month break in the middle due to travelling and also a lot of illnesses which means a 3rd of the sessions (if not more) were missed. So if we want to be completely accurate let’s say it was 9 months with breaks for sick days. Still don’t get how someone decided a few months means 3 months. Anyway, most of the parents seemed very happy with that nursery. It is considered one of the best and costs almost 3k per month full time. They did all the things mentioned on here (including card for every occasion, even celebrating pride month etc) but I can’t imagine a little baby enjoying to do that all day every day away from their parents. I have a young baby at home with me now and yes she might enjoy sticking her hand in paint but that’s not the main thing she wants to do, she mainly wants to be close to me. I also reached out to my eldest key person (who is also currently on mat leave) when I was trying to decide what to do after this mat leave and they have told me they would not be sending their new baby to nursery based on their experience working in nurseries (even though when she worked there, at pick up time, she was telling me what an amazing day my little one had 🙃). She did say that nursery was was the best out of the ones she worked at but still, she would never do it while they’re so young. They have another location for 2 years + and she said she would happily send her child there.

I don't get how someone decides "a few months", "a year" and "around 9 months" are the same thing but can't understand how someone might infer that "a few" means three, but there we go.

So you had a poor experience but can't accept that many of us have had great ones?

You can't imagine that an 11 month old might enjoy splattering paint around, even though I am telling you I've seen my child at that age have a brilliant time doing it?

Why is only your experience right?

These threads always end the same. That mums going to work are awful, don't care about their children. That nurseries are awful, damaging for children and that what is best for children is for them to be solely with their mums with no input from anyone else for the first few years of their lives.

I might be exaggerating but it's the general consensus. People have to do what is best for them. But for me and what is true, the concept of a mum solely being at home with baby is a relatively new one. Even John Bowlby who was one of the pioneers of attachment theory said it child-rearing wasn't for the job of a sole care giver and that they needed a lot of assistance. We're hard wired to not bring children up ourselves and to bring them up with the assistance of others. In hunter gathering tribes, babies were looked after by a range of caregivers up to 40% of the time.

We obviously don't live like these now so to me using nursery and paid childcare is a step on from this. It allows me a break from parenting to work and if need be time for myself. This allows me to be a parent because I'm not isolated, burnt or stressed from the demands of non-stop parenting.

If you can do this on your own then good for you. But women shouldn't be shamed or derided or told they are damaging their children when for centuries we've gone out to work and has help from others to look after children.

There's an article here with more information for those that are interested https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/21/it-felt-shameful-the-profound-loneliness-of-modern-motherhood

I think a good nursery is brilliant. My son spent two years at full time nursery from the age of 17 months. Before that he had been with a childminder from the age of 8 months. My daughter got a place at the nursery when she was 8 months old because being the sibling of a child already there bumped her up the waiting list. She has progressed much faster than her brother with all her milestones and is more confident. I think it's a very stimulating environment.

Both my children are very deeply attached to me, we did extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, the works.

I feel like we’re going in circles now with this thread. The truth is, what other people do with their children does not affect me, so if nursery is the right choice for you, great.

It seems like no one can start a thread about not being a fan of nursery without people immediately getting defensive and taking it as a personal attack.

Just as an aside, you will find many mums who are higher rate taxpayers with their kids in nurseries too! Professionals and business women like myself. But to go back to your point...if a child sees their mother only without a job and at home looking after them whilst their father goes out to work, they will tend to assume that is the norm. I would say it's becoming the exception not the norm and that's actually a good thing for women as a group. Equality requires men and women to be well as equal as possible. If men and women perform entirely separate functions in society...equality of the sexes will never happen!

People only get upset when you tell them that their choices are damaging their children. That's why people are upset with you.

People are upset with OP for suggesting that we prefer working to our children but say nursery is good for them cos we won't admit it.

People got over what OP said because she acknowledged that seeing other people's experiences made her realise hers isn't the only right way.

You avoid questions and keep telling people that nursery is bad for their children. So they keep telling you why you're wrong and citing their experiences. And because you can't keep your own story straight anyway.

My opinion is that nurseries as a general rule are not the optimal environment for very young children. You think they are/can be great. People are allowed to have their opinions so let’s just leave it at that. No need to get upset.

And if you'd worded it like that from the start, people would have been fine.

You told them that they were damaging their children. You told them it was wrong.

You'd be upset if someone just randomly started spouting that the choices you'd made for your family were wrong and had caused damage to your children. That's not an opinion. That's vitriol.

That would be me. I had ‘no choice’ because I wanted to be in a nice house, have nice holidays etc. I didn’t want to sacrifice those things and be miserable. I have always put my kids first for all of their needs, and most of their wants, never missed a sports day or a performance.

But martyrdom isn’t for me. Don’t know you from Adam and not bothered if you want to talk about me either. My kids are older now, happy, confident and healthy. DH and I are both high earners because I never stopped working other than mat leave.

😜

What???????

Like I said, children growing up happy, healthy and emotionally well adjusted is the important thing. When mum and dad both have good careers without the downsides of having years out of work and shot-to-pieces pensions - win win

If one parent feels they need to stay at home in order for their children to grow into happy well adjusted people- that's fine; no problem! Just don't extrapolate from that, that everyone else needs to. It just comes across as being pretty resentful really.

So your kid is about 5 minutes old and you’re on here lecturing people with far more parenting experience about the long term impact of childcare? WTF?! 😂 Although I’m sure you’ll now claim your eldest child is 23 or some BS!

I don’t know, I’m pretty happy with my choice to stay with them full time and I don’t think someone telling me that’s wrong would upset me. I hope and wish that you’ll feel more confident with your choice too as the time goes by.