To ask if you couldn't imagine leaving your baby and then young dc with strangers?

[A2J]

As in nursery/childminder etc?
I was OK once they could talk but before that I couldn't have left them with anyone except very close friends (female) or family.

It probably stems from my own childhood although any abuse I experienced was when older. Weird friends of my parents.

Luckily I was bolshy and stuck up for myself. More than I can say for my parents.

Nursery fees = £1.5K a month
My wage = £2.5K a month

Nursery fees did take 60% of my wage. Pension, NI, student loan etc did take even more. But even with £300 left, that £300 can be our food bill for the month. It also builds my pension etc. And means I can continue to progress in my career.

When cost of living is so high, even £100 more for working and putting baby in nursery has to be done. That can be the difference to scraping by and getting into debt. It can be the savings that saves your ass if something happens.

What that means is that you can’t dedicate yourself to both your job and your children at the same time. If your child is at nursery 8 hours a day and you only see them briefly first thing in the morning and then for an hour or so before bedtime during the week then you will be missing out on a lot of their childhood. People will say it’s about the quality not quantity but doing a morning nursery rush and then quick dinner and bedtime routine is not really quality time. In my experience they also get ill all the time when at nursery so the little time you have left with them, they often don’t feel themselves. You either choose to spend the majority of your time at work or with children, you can’t have it both at the same time- that’s what is meant by that phrase.

Also to posters who say “what about the fathers”. There are many studies that show a mother plays a unique role when it comes to healthy attachment and for children below 3, it is more beneficial to have the mother as the primary caregiver.

How many times do you need to be told that for many people it’s not a choice.

How many times do you need to hear that the number 1 indicator of poor outcomes for children is poverty. If parents do not work and force their household in to poverty that is hugely more detrimental to the outcomes and development of that child than working parents.

You do not live in the real world and like many other people have asked, who is paying your bills for you to sit at home in judgement? Is it my taxes!?

Not all kids get ill a lot at nursery. Mine has had one illness in two years, and she'd likely have picked up one in two years even if not at nursery.

Also, if you don't believe in nursery, what's your experience?

No, we are both higher rate tax payers and get zero help from the government. We put in way more than we take out. My taxes pay for all those children who are in nursery when they don’t have to be- for example when the mother is on maternity leave with the next baby.

I said earlier up the thread that my eldest went to nursery for a few months while I went back to work full time. Then I did my research.

Also we are not talking about those people who have absolutely no choice but a lot of people who claim they don’t have a choice, do. People don’t want to make any sacrifices these days. For example, we chose to stay in our 2 bed property for now so that I don’t have to go back to work once my mat leave is over or go back very part time.

This.
Your child is far less likely to be abused by someone known to the famijy than in a childcare setting. Unless you intend to not leave them with absolutely anyone?

I think most people can trust the child’s dad and or grandma (who are most likely to be the other people caring for the child) not to abuse the said child. If not, then those families have far bigger problems than whether a child should attend nursery or not.

@PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance hi what job do you do? I'm planning to go back to work but worried I won't have the freedom to do drops offs and pick ups.

Oh, so should I be choosing to downsize from my 2 bed property so I don't have to go to work? Or choosing to live in an area where my daughter will have to go to a much worse school than this area, despite it costing us more.

The sacrifices we have made are to ensure she gets the life she deserves. We also did a lot of research, and she's in an amazing nursery setting, which is part of developing her into the amazing little person she's becoming, and then beyond that.

You don't get to decide what the right approach is for all children because of three months nursery experience and some reading. You get to decide the right life for your family. I'll decide mine. OP can decide for hers. And every other parent on this thread can make the right call for their family.

You should stop being judgemental, though. Because you're not setting a good example to your children by acting like you're above other people.

And people who don't have grandparent support? You know, because of living a distance away or the fact they've lost their parents or their parents simply don't want to help?

Do you have any grasp on a reality outside of your own bubble?

Here here. I absolutely agree @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

i chose to move to a better area so that when my kid goes to school she goes to a good school and gets a good education.

This meant I had to go back to work and she had to go to nursery. I’d make the same decision 10 times over.

everyone makes the best decisions for their family and the outright snobbery on this thread of people sitting on their high horses thinking they are superior to others is outrageous.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos "
And people who don't have grandparent support? You know, because of living a distance away or the fact they've lost their parents or their parents simply don't want to help?

Do you have any grasp on a reality outside of your own bubble?"

I completely agree.

Or the grandparents are still working so have their own full time jobs. I had my child in my early thirties and the grandparents were all early 60s and still working.

Also health - one grandparent is disabled so would struggle with a large amount of childcare of a young child. The odd evening would be fine or when they are older and don't need as much running after but not the earlier years.

You’re not a higher rate tax payer if you’re not working….

I’ve not quit my job yet- I’m on maternity leave (as mentioned above).

This isn't a study, it's a conservative therapist giving her opinion.
https://momjd.wordpress.com/2017/10/24/choosing-to-be-here-a-post-in-which-i-explain-why-i-quit-reading-erica-komisars-book-being-there/

Based on evidence, she didn’t just make it up

Pre 3 years old I never sent my dcs to nursery:crèche as in my direct experience they aren’t good settings in Ireland or uk. People working there are often quite young , way too underpaid which I think is the biggest issue in childcare.
HOWEVER, some ,in fact a lot of parents have to work and don’t have any family support. You are extremely lucky when you casually mention “only leave them with family “. I’m 14 years a parent and my family have never, even for 5 mins looked after any of my dcs🤷‍♀️ Not working meant we had significantly less money than now and when you say “ oh don’t give me the have to work rw fees thing , emmm op many jobs you can’t take off years and years and go back to work that easily. I’m back at work now mine are all in primary and honestly it’s v hard. My job is demanding, there’s a hell of a lot more to balance than when they were small. I actually think now is a very difficult time to parent , the col and especially for those who have zero family support

The problem is that, for the fear of upsetting parents, people peddle the myth that nursery is good for babies. Everyone repeats the same phrases about babies “thriving” at nursery, making friends and loving messy play when al
those things are just not a thing until closer to 2/3. This is damaging to children as a lot of parents make the decision to send them to nursery based on that false belief where perhaps they would actually prefer and have the option to stay at home. This is common when on maternity leave with the second child for example.

How dare you accuse me and all of the other parents on here of damaging our children. How fucking dare you.

Nurser was brilliant for DT’s - they thrived and learnt English - we don’t speak it at home. Nothing damaging when you choose a great nursery. They went full time from six months old

I said it’s damaging to children to spread the false belief or at least not always true. Some parents might be willing and able to stay with their children at home but don’t because they are told that it’s best to send them to nursery.. and some children might be better off staying with the parent at home. Where not sending the child to nursery would result in poverty then yes, they are most likely better off at nursery. Maybe I also shouldn’t have used the word damaging-“not optimal” is more accurate here.

Oh stop spouting crap. Nursery is not damaging to children.