Golf holiday 6 weeks after new baby arrives

[Kathleen995]

Hi all,

Some background - I've been with my partner for 10 years and he is very, very close to his friends. We have a 2 year old and I'm 8 months pregnant, due our second in 5 weeks. Our own relationship has largely fallen to the sidelines recently due to both being overwhelmed with work, my pregnancy, tiredness, money issues etc and we rarely go on date nights or really do anything at all romantic. My partner is a great coparent but it doesn't really feel like we're in a romantic relationship right now.

However, I feel that he makes sure to prioritise spending time with his friends as much as possible (side note, I don't really have that many local friends so I don't socialise anywhere near as often as him). This can be dinner/drinks ever couple of weeks, golf at the weekend and just generally spending 'quality' time with them which I feel we don't have. None of his close friendship group have any kids.

Before I became pregnant, he had booked a boys golf holiday abroad for a week in November. Our baby will be 6 weeks old when he goes. I have expressed my feelings on this, saying I think it's unreasonable for him to have not cancelled the holiday given our own relationship isn't in a great place, and I'll still be finding my feet with a two year old and a newborn. My mental health hasn't been great this pregnancy and I'm very anxious about how I'm going to cope with two kids. He argues that he needs to do things like this for his mental health, that it's really important for him to go, etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable to think that it's ridiculous he's actually going on a golf holiday for a week with a two year old and newborn at home, knowing that I'm anxious about what's to come and we have had conversations about how crap our own relationship is right now? Obviously I want him to do things that make him happy, but the timing is pretty awful and I can't help but feel like this kind of thing is a big reason for my own dissatisfaction in the relationship - that I never feel prioritised to the same extent as his friends?

Invite your Mum to stay, and reap the benefit of a relaxed partner when he comes home, who’ll be grateful for your kindness, and book yourself some time to do something you want to do ? Whether that’s something with your friends, or you and your partner, or as a family of 4?

and while he’s away it’s okay to let things slide at home.

I’d be a bit unhappy with this also - not
the 1 week holiday, but the lack of prioritisation. Sounds like he’s acting like one of the lads still.

could you suggest you all take a family
holiday together instead?

How does he engage with your worries? My DP went away at this stage and it was totally fine because I was fine with it (doesn't mean you have to be and I was used to coping on my own as he was working away for long periods) but he was happy to say that he would see how it was going and decide closer to the time depending on how the birth had gone, if baby was well etc. I think you should focus on the relationship issues in general rather than this particular issue though I would want to check in with him about what would he do if things weren't going well at that time

I think if you can muster some family support while he's gone (and all being well with new baby, of course), then a holiday booked pre-pregnancy is probably fair game and should be endured if possible.

I would have far more issue with his ability to go out for regular drinks and dinner with friends, but no time for you.

I’m usually the biggest advocate for making plans with friends, keeping your social life post baby, taking individual holidays etc. but timing wise this is absolutely taking the piss and I hate the way he’s trying to manipulate you with the bullshit about ‘his mental health’. You must be heartbroken that even once you’ve spelled it out, he still doesn’t want to support you.

Strange assumption that your mum is available or that you'd want her there instead of the children's father! I don't know, it might be fine at six weeks but only you can know that. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing his plans so you've either got to hope he changes his mind himself or put pressure on him which may make an impression on him or not. If not, you've got conflict for the next two months

Does he have “poor mental health”? Only because you say he mentioned his mental health as a reason he “needs” to go. Honestly, that sounds like a piss poor reason to bugger off for a week to have a laugh with your mates while your partner Struggles on at home 6 weeks postpartum, with a toddler and a newborn. I would not be impressed if my husband tried this on me.

This ... and when he returns in a relaxed and happy mood insist that your little family sit down and book a week long family holiday just to suit the four of you in the next few months (consider inviting grandparent to be nearby for occasional child care)

Holiday wouldn't bother me because he's not mystic Meg.

But it would bother me if I wanted equal things (a week away) and he made a fuss.

Your own relationship issues are separate and you will need a chat about this moving forward. But it's perfectly normal for the early child years to put pressure on even the strongest relationships.

Use the time he's away and kids are asleep to research groups in your area and find your hobby.

YANBU.

If he spent time and effort on your relationship, it wouldn't hurt so much that he wants to go away for a week when your baby is so young, and you'll have a toddler too. But he's clearly prioritising his social life over the relationship in day-to-day life, too. Have you asked him if he wants to have some date nights with you? Do you have babysitting options for your 2yo? Now is the time - before baby arrives - to put some time and effort into the relationship. It's going to be even harder after that.

If he's not willing to do some date nights now and improve the relationship before baby comes, I think you have bigger problems than the golf holiday, I'm afraid.

The holiday was booked before you knew about the baby? So I'm guessing unplanned? I'm on the fence, I think it's bad timing but it's already booked, i wouldn't make him cancel and it's 6 weeks not 6 days, my (now ex) h went on a business trip at day 6, not a critical one either

I wouldn't say he has poor mental health as such but he did say in a recent argument (over this) that he's the unhappiest he's ever been and doesn't feel he gets to spend anywhere near as much time as he would like to with friends/exercising/doing things for himself (welcome to parenthood with young kids - neither do I??). He said he feels resentful towards me for not always welcoming him spending time with them (I'd say he sees his friends at least every two weeks, whether it's dinner/drinks or golf, which I think isn't bad going but perhaps I'm wrong?)

I explained the reason I'm not always welcoming of it is because I can't remember the last time he organised a date night for us (I literally don't think he's ever booked a spontaneous dinner for us or organised a surprise weekend away etc - it's usually me who suggests dates and then organises them, which has become quite grating.) It was my birthday recently and he hadn't even booked a restaurant for lunch, I had to call on the morning and make a last minute booking which felt a bit shit.

Do either one of you live in the real world?

"My mental health hasn't been great this pregnancy and I'm very anxious about how I'm going to cope with two kids."

Have you spoken to your midwife or GP about your mental health? They might be able to refer you to a mental health midwife, and/or CBT, or some other support.

Also, I hate it when people bang on about "self-care", but it is (annoyingly) true that you need to do it. What can you do to improve your mental health? Personally I like doing yoga or going for a swim (pregnancy yoga classes are always lovely in my experience) but it could be anything. You say you don't have many friends, why not? Can you prioritise meeting up with a friend or having a video or phone call with someone?

"he's the unhappiest he's ever been and doesn't feel he gets to spend anywhere near as much time as he would like to with friends/exercising/doing things for himself"

Did he agree to having children? Assuming they were agreed and planned, he is being a selfish arse.

I think most parents miss having lots of time to do what we want, but it's what we signed up for isn't it?!

Time alone with baby can really good at that point. It’s true that if it was a business/work trip you probably would feel less bothered but it might be good for the relationship for him to have this time

He wants his life to be happy and carefree, while your life is that of a support human. Facilitating his needs and wants and making sure the home fires are burning and he has access to all the good family things. But he should have to do no additional work to support you.

It's common, sexist, and deeply depressing. He'll come round in a few years when the really hard work is done and parenting is much easier. Hopefully you won't have entirely fallen out of love with him by then. I would have.

It's not the holiday, I might have supported that. It's the fact that he cares more about himself and his friends than you and your relationship. He can organise a golf holiday but not a meal for your birthday...

Welcome to parenthood. I would tell him to choose if he wants to be single so he can spend tons of time with his mates and come & go as he pleases, or if he wants to have a family and partner. If he doesn't want to be present and involved then nobody is forcing him.

You know what he was like when you had kids with him. You can't change people like that.

Same thing happened to a friend. Married someone who was married to golf. All his friends had much older kids.
Weekends he was off playing golf.
Now they are divorced.

I assume you didn’t climb on top of yourself and get pregnant?

Sounds like he’s unhappy because he isn’t getting his own way regarding his friends because he made joint choices with you- starting a family. He sounds like a lousy partner and not much better as a father. I doubt he’s going to have an epiphany about that any time soon.

It really depends on the relationship dynamics, my husband wouldn't dream of going away without the family but that's because he only gets a few weeks a year and family time is important to him.
Having said that he doesn't really see his friends often so they would never be his priority.

Also we make decisions as a couple and discuss things so if I had expressed I would prefer him not to go especially with the relationship not being in the best place he would stay and focus on that not because I'd expect him to but because it would be important to him to work on the relationship and he'd prioritise that.

I agree with this. The lads holiday is shitty in itself purely due to the timing but it’s part of a much bigger problem that’s not going to be solved by OP calling her mother to come help for a week while the father to her young toddler and newborn has checked out of parenting so that he come home “relaxed and rested” to a wife who is anything but and a MIL who no doubt thinks he’s a selfish arse.

@ChunkyPanda some people don’t have a Mum, or their Mum is not supportive, or she is unwell. Why would you assume that she has a healthy available Mum when OP said nothing about it?

Try to show him exactly how much free time/socialising time he gets compared to you and ask him to justify why he should get so much more than you.
That helped make my husband see things a bit clearer, men definitely seem to struggle with the loss of their own time & freedom more than women and they don't see things in a 'fair' way in my experience, they will swear its all equal until you can show them the hard proof that it is in fact not.
This situation would irritate me to no end as well, prioritising friends over your relationship is an issue that needs resolving but its so hard when you're in the trenches of surviving raising young children.
Your baby could also be late and therefore be even younger when he travels, there could be health complications for you or baby, I wouldn't be comfortable at all with my partner travelling so soon after I had a baby as there's so much uncertainty in how you'll cope.

I would make a new male friend and invite him over for drinks in the evenings to keep you company while dh is away.
You mind find he changes his mind about the trip and wants to be at home instead.