Golf holiday 6 weeks after new baby arrives

[Kathleen995]

Hi all,

Some background - I've been with my partner for 10 years and he is very, very close to his friends. We have a 2 year old and I'm 8 months pregnant, due our second in 5 weeks. Our own relationship has largely fallen to the sidelines recently due to both being overwhelmed with work, my pregnancy, tiredness, money issues etc and we rarely go on date nights or really do anything at all romantic. My partner is a great coparent but it doesn't really feel like we're in a romantic relationship right now.

However, I feel that he makes sure to prioritise spending time with his friends as much as possible (side note, I don't really have that many local friends so I don't socialise anywhere near as often as him). This can be dinner/drinks ever couple of weeks, golf at the weekend and just generally spending 'quality' time with them which I feel we don't have. None of his close friendship group have any kids.

Before I became pregnant, he had booked a boys golf holiday abroad for a week in November. Our baby will be 6 weeks old when he goes. I have expressed my feelings on this, saying I think it's unreasonable for him to have not cancelled the holiday given our own relationship isn't in a great place, and I'll still be finding my feet with a two year old and a newborn. My mental health hasn't been great this pregnancy and I'm very anxious about how I'm going to cope with two kids. He argues that he needs to do things like this for his mental health, that it's really important for him to go, etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable to think that it's ridiculous he's actually going on a golf holiday for a week with a two year old and newborn at home, knowing that I'm anxious about what's to come and we have had conversations about how crap our own relationship is right now? Obviously I want him to do things that make him happy, but the timing is pretty awful and I can't help but feel like this kind of thing is a big reason for my own dissatisfaction in the relationship - that I never feel prioritised to the same extent as his friends?

Would he have been able to get a full refund on the holiday? If not then YABU about that. Can you not invite someone else to stay and help you?

Regarding your relationship then perhaps suggest one night a week/fortnight as date night where you take it in turns to organise what you eat/do.

I think carrying a baby and the toll it takes on your body means a total change to your life whereas a lot of men seem to think they're provided their sperm so can go back go life as it was before and feel hard done by of they can't.

Your OH needs to grow up!

You should also arrange something you can do at weekends and leave him with the two kids.

I think you’re focusing on this one trip rather than maybe what the actual issue it.

As the trip was booked pre-pregnancy I would just get family/friends to chip in to help while be is gone and let him go and have his week away. He will be all the better for having had that.

In general though you do need to speak to him about how you feel the relationship is in general, and how you can both work to improve things.

For what it’s worth though I also don’t think seeing friends once every 2 weeks is “more than enough”, it’s so important to have that time for yourself (both of you) for your mental healthy, both DH and I see our friends every week and are all the better partners and parents for having that time.

Nope. He's prioritising his fun time over the reality of being a parent. When do you get a week away from the kids? I highly doubt you do ...I have a 3yo and 9mo , honestly two is hard. My husband has been away a couple of times for work since having two, but only when he has to, never for pleasure always for work, only for 2 nights max, and not when they were 6 weeks! I think he first went away for a night when baby was 4mo. I haven't said he can't, it's just a given because we're both parents and I can't get away (breastfeeding) so he can't either.

What if you need a c-sec and don't recover easily? That's too much, and I'm actually furious for you.

I don’t know really. My husband went skiing with his friends a few weeks after my son’s birth. I had two other little ones as well. My bestie came over and stayed. I wasn’t too bothered TBH .

And tbh, everyone saying the trip was pre booked... so? If you had a pre booked girls holiday you wouldn't be able to go. Yeah he might lose some money, but you would if it was you in the scenario. You BOTH had a child.

A week's holiday abroad with the boys when your partner has expressed their concerns about caring for a 6-week-old and toddler on their own.

What would you tell a friend if her partner did that to her? I'd be telling her to start making an exit plan because she is worth more than that.

I think he is telling you quite clearly where his priorities lie. He wants to live the life of a single man. He doesn't want the responsibility of being a parent
.
If he is telling you he feels resentful of you when you are carrying his child I think that makes him a poor bet as a safe and trustworthy and loving partner.

I'd straight up leave my husband if he went on a golfing holiday 6 weeks after I'd had his baby.
Idgaf what these women say on here.. I think they've forgotten what it's like having a newborn and how hard it can be
You might still not even be able to stand up if it's been a hard birth.
It makes me so angry. These men just impregnating you and swanning off.
I just had my 3rd and she's 6 months. My DH wanted to go on a long weekend with his mates and I went nuts about it. I've said a night out is fine and he can stay over... but no way in Hell is he leaving me for a long weekend with 3 young kids alone. He can say 'oh you can have the same' but I won't have the same because I'd never leave a 6 month old breastfed baby for a long weekend.
A night out yeah... but not a holiday.
And who would leave a 6 week old for a holiday? Not most women. So why do the dads get to?
He can fuck off imo.
I'm sorry to be full of rage but I'd genuinely rather be a single parent than put up with this nonsense because I'd be less resentful.

It's not so much the holiday IMO as it was booked before you became pregnant. And presumably he'd be back at work mon-fri that week. But it's his complete disregard to how you feel about the relationship and the lack of effort for date nights that would annoy me.

Would he be happy to have both kids next summer whilst you go away for a week? It has to be fair.

This comment reminds me of something someone said to me at work the other day. I got invited to an event at the weekend and I said I couldn't go as my husband was working away and they said 'just ask your mum to have the kids of a few hours'

My mum had Korsakoffs disease and lives 300 miles away. Doubt she'd be available.

Don't assume everyone has family who are willing and/ or able to support.

As one of the issues you mentioned was money troubles it seems incredibly selfish of him to spend money on a week long holiday just for himself when the money could have been used for a short family break.

He isn’t even apologetic about leaving you alone with 2 children as apparently his mental health is more important than that of the person having full caring responsibility for those children during that week,

I think there are conversations to be had, and unless he is willing to consider others more than himself the future looks less than optimistic.

On a practical note mothers often have amazing capabilities and you are likely to cope just fine without him for that week. It might be good practise in case you separate.

I am sorry you are upset at what should be such a happy time.

I'm sorry to hear that :( thankfully my mum is very supportive but even so, she doesn't live close by. I've always found the assumption mums will help out jarring. And why are people's dads never asked to help out, always the mums? Hope it's not something we'll continue when our kids (potentially) have their own kids.

Thank you. It does upset me that we should be really excited for the new baby and everything seems so fraught with arguments and stress and misery, tbh. I just feel very taken for granted and not made to feel special at all. I don't enjoy pregnancy and have had quite poor mental health during both pregnancies, I also just feel like a blob and undesirable and I feel like my partner does little to make me feel wanted, or even seen.

The money has been a factor in this too - he earns more than me (by about 15k) but we split the mortgage, bills and nursery costs evenly so I think I feel it more disproportionately than he does and have hardly any money left for myself by the end of the month (which he knows.) However he will be paying for everything while I'm on SMP so that sort of evens it out.

He is a very good co-parent and I feel like in general we split the childcare very evenly, but our relationship just feels platonic at best, incompatible at worst. The lack of effort for date nights etc (and putting basically zero effort into my birthday, in the middle of all this) is definitely the crux of the issue, and the golf holiday just feels like insult to injury at this point :(

I wouldn't have been happy with this, remember with toddlers there can be sleep regression following a new baby. It was a two man job for a few months for us at that age, as they tag teamed, and also I just found it really really hard going from one,where you can focus on their needs, nap etc, to two. Other people find it fine but I really needed someone there.

Seeing friends is important but

• so is prioritising your family when they really need you
• he can see them without going on a golf holiday
• he can find other ways to prioritise his mental health without dumping his wife in the shit with a newborn ans toddler when she is still recovering from birth
• he can't prioritise his mental health at the expense of yours. Would he really be ok with looking after a toddler and newborn while you went on holiday? Really?

Having young kids is hard and relentless and your social life suffers for a while but you get it back later. That's a pretty much established fact

I don't think the holiday is the issue here I think there is more going on this has just brought everything into a clearer perspective.

The holiday was booked pre pregnancy so it's not an intentional thing. Just bad timing. Can only assume it wasn't planned.

The bigger issue is your relationship. It doesn't sound like he's making that his priority. He has time and money for friends but not for you or his family. You say money is tight but yet he's out with friends, do you have joint accounts or does he have more free cash etc?

I think you both need to sit down together and talk. This needs to be a very open discussion, not a blame game. To me it sounds like he had very different viewpoints to you. Be clear about what you need from him but don't be demanding. Maybe golf at the weekends and one night out. Plan family nights the rest of the time or date nights when you can get a babysitter. If he can't give you what you need then the bigger question is, is the relationship working. Also be prepared for answers you might not like.

Get yourself out to baby and toddler groups and try to make new friends.

For me the holiday would just be something I would accept and let go of. If I needed help then I would either get a parent/friend/relative to stay or go stay with them. I think though going forward things need to change for everything to work. It might be worth speaking to your midwife about how you're feeling. Speak to close friends and family too.

He booked a holiday before you knew you were pregnant so let's not assume that he did it on purpose. I think making him cancel the holiday is not really going to improve your relationship. You can't make someone care.
No, you shouldn't be making sacrifices to support his priorities. It would be lovely if he prioritised the family but he just doesn't. I honestly don't think forbidding him from going on holiday is going to result in the outcome you want.
You need to decide whether the relationship is workable together. Have a calm discussion and clearly set how you want this "priorotising" to look like. I.e. family time two weekends a months, then each of you having one weekend to spend with own friends while the other is doing childcare. Or whatever...
If it is workable and you both agree - great. If it isn't then you might just have to accept that the relationship has run its course.

I ended up divorced after 9 years OP due to a guy like this who expected to go to football every weekend, 2 or 3 evenings a week at pub with mates etc , basically expected to carry on with life exactly as before - plenty of friends and hobby's whilst actually got into a frump if I had the odd evening out every few months and seemed to think it was 'a favour' -

As it was booked before you were pregnant not much you can do unless it's not paid for or he's prepared to just forgo it- I would let it go- however I would look at the other aspects and set boundaries of what you think is fair including time for yourself -

Very selfish on his behalf, what did he think would happen when he had kids. Sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me, putting his own needs before his wife and family

Why invite mum rather than dad?

My husband had a holiday booked and fully paid for, we then found out our daughter would be coming home and he would be away on her ninth week home. He immediately cancelled his holiday, not only did he think it wasn’t appropriate to leave me with both children on my own, as a parent he didn’t want to miss an entire week of his daughters life at such a young age.

Does your midwife know how much you’re struggling?

The holiday wouldn't bother me as it was booked before you were pregnant.

But his attitude and the fact that he doesn't prioritise you and your relationship is a big problem imo. He needs to realise he's not single and childfree like his mates - he has a family now and that has to come first, especially when his children are so small.

A week away is absolutely ridiculous at that time. I think part of the problem is that none of his close friends have children so their lives are continuing unaffected.

Small children do make life different, there is less time and energy and money for the things you used to do. But assuming he made an active choice to be a father he should not be complaining. It's not forever. A golfing holiday with his buddies is not a necessity.

I think he should have cancelled when you realised how young your baby was going to be when he was meant to be away!

That's assuming baby comes on time too, you could be 2 weeks overdue and have a c section so not even able to drive when he's away, never mind the exhaustion and pain from giving birth.

Spending time with friends is a good thing but this clearly isn't the right time.

Do you have any family who could stay with you to help out?

"doesn't feel he gets to spend anywhere near as much time as he would like to with friends/exercising/doing things for himself"

Boo hoo, did you get your tiny violin out?
Welcome to parenting!

Tell him when you get divorced he will have all week and EOW to do whatever he likes!

Just a heads up to all the people who say "get your mum to come & help", the OP's mum could be:

Dead
An alcoholic
In prison
Living in a different country
Have a full time job
Be a carer for elderly parents
Have their own DC to care for
Not want to spend a week caring for a newborn and toddler

All of which would render them unable, unsuitable or unwilling to come and help.

Why oh why is the default setting always to find the nearest woman to care for the kids when the child (in this situation) has two parents??

OP, your DP should have cancelled his holiday when he realised how close it was to your due date. He should also be putting more effort into his relationship with you than with his friends.

You and the kids should be his priority and you're clearly, very sadly not.