Golf holiday 6 weeks after new baby arrives

[Kathleen995]

Hi all,

Some background - I've been with my partner for 10 years and he is very, very close to his friends. We have a 2 year old and I'm 8 months pregnant, due our second in 5 weeks. Our own relationship has largely fallen to the sidelines recently due to both being overwhelmed with work, my pregnancy, tiredness, money issues etc and we rarely go on date nights or really do anything at all romantic. My partner is a great coparent but it doesn't really feel like we're in a romantic relationship right now.

However, I feel that he makes sure to prioritise spending time with his friends as much as possible (side note, I don't really have that many local friends so I don't socialise anywhere near as often as him). This can be dinner/drinks ever couple of weeks, golf at the weekend and just generally spending 'quality' time with them which I feel we don't have. None of his close friendship group have any kids.

Before I became pregnant, he had booked a boys golf holiday abroad for a week in November. Our baby will be 6 weeks old when he goes. I have expressed my feelings on this, saying I think it's unreasonable for him to have not cancelled the holiday given our own relationship isn't in a great place, and I'll still be finding my feet with a two year old and a newborn. My mental health hasn't been great this pregnancy and I'm very anxious about how I'm going to cope with two kids. He argues that he needs to do things like this for his mental health, that it's really important for him to go, etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable to think that it's ridiculous he's actually going on a golf holiday for a week with a two year old and newborn at home, knowing that I'm anxious about what's to come and we have had conversations about how crap our own relationship is right now? Obviously I want him to do things that make him happy, but the timing is pretty awful and I can't help but feel like this kind of thing is a big reason for my own dissatisfaction in the relationship - that I never feel prioritised to the same extent as his friends?

You need to get him to ensure he has decent travel insurance in case he needs to cancel. Baby could be late, baby could be poorly or you could be poorly.

he booked it before you knew about pregnancy. Shame you can’t go with him as plenty of people travel with newborns.

the finances need to be looked at as it’s not fair that he has all this disposable income while you have nothing.

he will have no time when you do 50:50 custody if you separate.

it may be better to have the difficult conversations now about your relationship goals before the baby arrives.

now is a good time to make your social circle wider. If you haven’t already then join antenatal groups to make friends with people who have similar due dates. Look for local groups that do meet ups for parents with babies.

can you have someone on call to come over when he’s away? Start batch cooking and make the slow cooker your friend so you have easy meals.

if toddler doesn’t want to sleep then let them sleep in with you while he’s away. Pick your battles.

If he won't cancel something practical you can do to make this easier for you is booking a night nurse or pp doula to help you at this extremely difficult stage. And charge it to him, as part of the cost of his holiday, the prick.

I'd also be whatsapping him constantly with 24 hour updates of what I am doing with both of his children, so he can see what he's missing / what he has bloody done to you.

YANBU to be upset about this.

100% this. ⬆️

However, if there is genuinely no support available to you while he's away then that's a sticking point. And the bigger issue is the ongoing everyday prioritising of his friends over you.

Not a chance I would be happy with this.

What if you have the baby past your due date, have a c section, have complications, etc etc.

What a selfish prick.

The sad thing is, as I see it , is that he actually wants to do this given the timings. Might he change his mind when baby has arrived?

If he was a decent human/father he’d have cancelled without you even having to ask. What if baby is unwell, you’re unwell, baby has colic, your 2 year old becomes really jealous and difficult. 6 week pp he should be there as much as he possibly can.
He's shown you that you’re not his priority and men like this don’t tend to change. I don’t see this relationship lasting, not happily anyway. Tell him if he goes then not to bother coming back.

The issue is, you want him to want to be home with you. The reality is that he would rather be on holiday and will be a bloody nightmare if you make him stay home. It will be worse for you both if he doesn’t go: he’ll be ratty and reluctant and hold it over you, and you’ll be upset he isn’t the doting dad and husband you want him to be.

It’s a shit situation but in your shoes I’d let him go. It’s symptomatic of your relationship being rocky and this holiday might be the pressure valve you need to protect the relationship for the longer term.

Hes pretty selfish. I've never in my whole life (not saying it doesn't happening) heard of a mum going on a girls holiday 6 weeks after their baby has been born and leaving hubby at home with 2 kids. He's prioritizing his friendships and own wants over his relationship with you and his children, and spending money on himself, which sounds like its not a one off expense. What a prick.

I’m a little baffled as to why you are having a second child together.

Thought I’d update to say our baby was almost two weeks late. He’s now 3 weeks old and my partner leaves tomorrow for the golf trip. His parents are taking out two year old
while he’s away so Im not tearing my hair out. He has basically been single parenting our two year old since the baby arrived, while working full time, so he is being a great coparent but I still feel disappointed that he’s going.

It's quite an assumption that her mum would be available, willing and able to drop everything and stay for a week to facilitate a boys golf holiday!

OP what do his parents think of him going away?

He is leaving you alone with a 3 week old? It’s great that there is help in place for the toddler, but still. I know every baby is different and every recovery is different, but there is no way i could have dealt with this with my baby and my recovery.

That would be the end of the relationship with me. And DH and I go away without each other regularly.

Leaving you 3 weeks post birth is ridiculous when he knows you don't want him to go

Also don't let the fact he's being looking after your two year old be built up into something it's not.

Hes not been a "great co parent" - he's just been a parent.

I can feel the cognitive dissonance oozing out of you.

You desperately want to think of him as a good father while knowing in your bones that good fathers don't leave their newly sibling-ed toddler with their parents and their just-given-birth partner with a three WEEK old baby. To hit balls with sticks.

I'm sorry, That dissonance will start to make itself known soon. Anger, resentment, sadness, watch for them.

I think I just feel at this point, as someone said earlier, it seems like a very lose lose situation. Yes, I could’ve “forbid” him from going but then he’d end up resenting me as much as I resent him going. The root of the issue is that I don’t want him to want to go, but obviously I can’t change that. So is there a point to making him feel like shit on his holiday?

He keeps saying I should organise a girls trip next year but I’d rather prioritise a family holiday and don’t particularly want to leave my kids to go on a girls trip just to assuage his conscience.

I don’t know what his parents think of him going, I haven’t asked and they haven’t offered an opinion. My mum is being very balanced about it and sees it from both our perspectives. (My family all love my partner and he helps my mum out with a lot of DIY stuff around her house so she’s a particularly big fan.) My dad does however, like me, thinks it’s ridiculous he’s going…

I think some men are so selfish it’s so annoying. My husband is selfish. Getting more so lately .
YANBU op

They really are. Most new mums wouldn't dream of being apart from their 3 week old baby...they couldn't bear it. Men really do just prioritise themselves in the main...

I’ve only read your posts op but for what it’s worth here’s what I would do in your shoes:

Once mat leave is over rearrange finances so you are both paying a fair amount in proportion to your wages, the current situation is very unfair.

However the relationship proceeds with two young children start to get your ducks in a row. He sounds incredibly unreliable and selfish, and while he has the power to turn this around and become a decent husband and father, make sure you are able to be independent.

Going away when your baby is so new is so beyond selfish it’s unreal. I’m sorry 💐