Golf holiday 6 weeks after new baby arrives

[Kathleen995]

Hi all,

Some background - I've been with my partner for 10 years and he is very, very close to his friends. We have a 2 year old and I'm 8 months pregnant, due our second in 5 weeks. Our own relationship has largely fallen to the sidelines recently due to both being overwhelmed with work, my pregnancy, tiredness, money issues etc and we rarely go on date nights or really do anything at all romantic. My partner is a great coparent but it doesn't really feel like we're in a romantic relationship right now.

However, I feel that he makes sure to prioritise spending time with his friends as much as possible (side note, I don't really have that many local friends so I don't socialise anywhere near as often as him). This can be dinner/drinks ever couple of weeks, golf at the weekend and just generally spending 'quality' time with them which I feel we don't have. None of his close friendship group have any kids.

Before I became pregnant, he had booked a boys golf holiday abroad for a week in November. Our baby will be 6 weeks old when he goes. I have expressed my feelings on this, saying I think it's unreasonable for him to have not cancelled the holiday given our own relationship isn't in a great place, and I'll still be finding my feet with a two year old and a newborn. My mental health hasn't been great this pregnancy and I'm very anxious about how I'm going to cope with two kids. He argues that he needs to do things like this for his mental health, that it's really important for him to go, etc etc.

Am I being unreasonable to think that it's ridiculous he's actually going on a golf holiday for a week with a two year old and newborn at home, knowing that I'm anxious about what's to come and we have had conversations about how crap our own relationship is right now? Obviously I want him to do things that make him happy, but the timing is pretty awful and I can't help but feel like this kind of thing is a big reason for my own dissatisfaction in the relationship - that I never feel prioritised to the same extent as his friends?

Your boyfriend is pointless. He's meant to be enhancing your life and benefitting you. Do you own your own house or are you dependent on him? Without the legal protections of marriage this would be awful.

YANBU

Another guy who doesn’t see why his leisure time should be compromised by having a family. This selfish attitude of his does not bode well long term. You have no idea what state you will be in physically at 6 weeks. Start thinking about when you’re are going away for a week without him and the kids if you’re as petty as me. If you’re not, think about marriage counselling because if does sound like you need to work on your relationship. Best of luck and fingers crossed for an uncomplicated delivery!

I'm very easy going but I'd be fuming at this.

Cue a million MN cool wives telling you you’re BU and that the man needs his hobbies/socialising for his mental health/he may have a mental breakdown if he doesn’t golf and it’s your fault you don’t have any friends.

then if you’re the one who needs a break or have MH difficulties, he gets to dump everything on you because it’s oh so difficult being a ‘carer’ (WTF) and it’s your fault that you don’t have friends, or maybe your parents are dead and can’t help and that’s your fault too, so let the poor man socialise in his teenage stupid lads holiday.

if you need help, you need help. Your relationship and his family should be his priority. @Kathleen995

Exactly

What time alone?? They have a toddler!

Your post screams DH who doesn’t respect his wife. He is married to golf and his mates, not you.

He needs to do these things for his “mental health”… he’s happy for you to get pregnant with his kids and look after them solo whilst he runs off with his child free friends.

Not being funny OP but you’re not really selling him as a catch. He makes no effort in your relationship but prioritises everyone else but you and the kids.

You do realise you don’t need lots of friends to go out either? What is stopping you going out once a week to the cinema or dinner on your own, or to go see family or have your nails done etc.

Sounds like he was like this with the first kid so doubt it’ll change for the second.

I’d be interested to know what he would say if you told him you’ve booked a 4 day holiday the week after he returns. He’d probably give you a million excuses as to why he can’t look after a newborn and toddler on his own. Oh the hypocrisy

I'm betting OP wouldn't ever be able to take a weeks holiday alone whilst he parents his own children.

…or a working mum!!

OP hasn't mentioned a husband. I hope she owns her own property and isn't dependent on this crap, disinterested boyfriend.
I expect what's stopping her from day trips is the lack of money and this man being a failure of a parent. He doesn't sound like a man striving to excel at parenting.

My reply to him would be ok when is my holiday ? You book a break away and he will see you are not being unreasonable

ive put this up already but they dont change. Too set in their ways. Happened to a friend. They had 2 small kids and he still expected to golf etc at the weekends and go out drinking.

He was older and set in his ways. His friends children were all grown up. He didnt change. They divorced.
They have found other partners now. Children have grown up.

I know! I can imagine these comments in a book from the 1950’s about how to please your husband!

Brokeback Mountain - the golfing version

Are you on glue?

Im generally laid back about my husband going out/away but 6 weeks after i had given birth and had a toddler at home? Not a fucking chance.
All this bollocks about 'he didnt know when he booked', ok, but he knew 10 months before he was going on holiday, likely would have only paid a deposit and could have cancelled then.
What if you are 2 weeks late and need a c-section? Thats going to be amazing for you, him going away 4 weeks later.
He sounds like a dick. A week away by himself at any point before the kids are about 5 is fucking selfish, 3-4 nights, fine, but a week is too long. And yes, I know single mums do it all the time, bravo, but she isnt

Yes, exactly.
I was thinking these posters are blokes, that would make sense.

Do whatever you're comfortable with. By 6 weeks in, you'll be exhausted from the sleepless nights. How kind of your DP to offer to look after your 2yo and baby while you have a break and indulge in some fun activities with your friends.

If I were you, I'd give him a big hug and tell him how thoughtful he is to suggest that you'll be needing a well-deserved holiday by this point.

Maybe he can get his mum to come and stay with him to help?

I have to be honest and say I think he is being very inconsiderate of you in all of this.
He is only thinking of his own needs, his own mental health - what about yours?!
How would he react if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was you going away for a week and he was left with a baby and a toddler?
Of course it's good to have some time to be yourself with friends but I don't see him facilitating the same for you. And he's not considerate of your birthday etc either?
He sounds quite self centred, not necessarily in a malicious way, but he just isn't considering you at all, I'm sorry.
I understand the trip was booked before you fell pregnant, but there should be more consideration. Ensuring you're happy for him to go, shortening the trip as a compromise, getting family to help with the 2 year old etc.
I'd be interested to know what he said if you told him you were going away for a week a couple of weeks later, he'd likely be gobsmacked and wonder how he would cope!

Just point out that your mental health is struggling as much as his and that you also need to prioritise it, particularly post birth. As such you have booked the weekend after his golf trip for a mini break for yourself and he will be solo parenting the children that weekend. See how he likes it. And if he doesn’t then he needs to cancel his or start splitting r&r time with you equally.

I’d tell him that if he goes, not to bother coming back.

You have money worries but he can afford a lads week golfing abroad....

I think either parent going away for a week with a 6 week old baby is FAR too much unless it's completely unavoidable. I understand why he doesn't want to cancel but it would be very unreasonable not to. He obviously hasn't realised that having young kids means a huge cut back in social outings with friends, especially when you have a newborn. Probably doesn't help he is the only one of his friends with kids. I have 3 kids ages 7, 11 and 12 and neither my husband or I have been away with more than 3 nights and I still think going away for a week would be too much at this age.

^^This

He is not a good co-parent as he constantly puts his own needs first. Plus what parent wants to leave a 6 week old?

You should NOT be contributing 50/50 - no wonder he can afford nights out and holidays with his mates

You need to have a good long think about what is in this 'relationship' for you.

And how financially secure are you as you're not married?

Owned house? Jointly?